July 30th is Annual Update You Laminated List Day

I think everyone is aware that July 30th is the Annual Update Your Laminated List Day!

As you all know, a laminated list is the three famous people with whom your spouse/significant other will allow you to have sex with, if ever the opportunity presents itself. If you happen to run into one of your three famous people and they are drunk enough to let you jump in the sack / couch / Robert Downey Jr.'s limo with you, then you have permission to have guilt free sex with any one of the three people on that list.

This year, I have done an almost complete revamp of my list.  I tried to avoid being extremely creepy, so this list is just mostly creepy.

1.  Christina Ricci (Not sure she will ever leave the list)

2.  Milana Vayntrub (She’s the AT&T girl and my crushy crush.)

3.  Kat Dennings (I think she would break me in the sack.)

Let's hear what your three picks are!

Father's Day Gift Tips

What NOT TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Soap on a Rope (unless he’s in jail)
2. The DNA test (let’s just keep that between Mom and the Fed-Ex guy)
3. Anything with the word “soy” in it.
4. Used scaffolding
5. Beer in amounts more than 39 ounces
6. Rocking chair
7. Old Spice
8. Elvis anything
9. Chalk or anything that is written on with chalk
10. Lie detector

What TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Carbide
2. Link to website on how to delete internet history/cookies.
3. A tie (it’s back in this year)
4. Bacon, 10 pounds (raw or cooked)
5. Anything that starts with Nintendo, has Station in the middle or ends with Box.
6. Salted anything
7. Bribe money
8. Boxed wine
9. Dashboard hula girl
10. “How to Pass a Lie Detector Test” book/pamphlet

I Feel a Disturbance Incest Force

The Secret Meanings of Road Signs

You've seen these road/traffic signs, but do you know what they really mean?


Short Cut
Many of us know this as “No Through Trucks,” but it really means “This is a short-cut to somewhere else.” Truckers know the quickest routes from point A to point B and neighborhoods get mad when trucks short-cut through their streets. The neighbors will clamor for the city to erect signs that politely ask the trucks not to come through, but at the same time give everyone else a clear marking for a short-cut. Thanks, suckers!



Crash Into Me
This is a directional warning sign. It tells you that there is imminent danger on one side of the sign and safety on the other. But which side is which? The safe side is the one where the black and yellow stripes point down. (In this case, the safe side is the left side. I think.) By the time you do the visual math in your head it is going to be too late. It’s best to play it safe and ram you car straight into the sign. Sure, your car is totaled, but it beats falling off a cliff. There is also no guarantee that the road worker dude installed the sign correctly. Until they start putting arrows on these signs, play it safe and ram it.



Snakes Following Your Car
This one is obvious, but I had to include it.



Left Hand Turn with Attitude
A U-turn is just an extended left hand turn. If you take the same precautions with a U-turn as a left hand turn, plus the additional lookout for traffic turning into you, U-turns should not be outlawed. In Ohio they are illegal, but only when you get caught. I would suggest the you explain to the officer pulling you over that you were making a left hand turn and got carried away. Ohio cops are pretty jovial.



Deer Jumping Over Your Car
My problem with this sign is that it fools you into thinking that the deer is jumping over the road and harmlessly over your car. I can see why any average driver would think that with the scale of this sign. Let’s take the car from the “Snakes Following Your Car” sign and put it on the “Deer Jumping Over Your Car” sign.

See! Right over the top. They need to make the sign with the deer standing in the middle of the road, staring dumbly straight at you, which is exactly what you see right before you hit a deer.



Please, Please, Please Go This Slow
If you see a yellow speed limit sign, it is just a speed suggestion. Some worry wart at the Division of Transportation will sleep soundly tonight, knowing that his road will be suggestively safer due to his request that you please go slower. I suggest going the posted speed limit and as you lose control of your car, aim for the little yellow sign.



Please Let Me In / Get Out of My Way
Yield is the only sign that has two completely different meanings depending on what angle you are looking at it from. If I am the one yielding, it means that I need to speed up to engage the traffic and slip into the stream of cars that will kindly allow me to merge into the happy community of commuters. On the other hand, if you are yielding to me, this sign means that you need to come to a complete stop to gain entry into MY lane. You are my bitch. Get behind me. Don’t try to speed up and sneak in because I can LEGALLY run you off the road.



Don’t Be Polite
This looks like a normal four-way stop sign. It is actually the lurking place of people who think they are being nice. If you are the first one at a four-way stop sign, you get to go through the intersection first. If two people show up at the exact same time, the person to the right of you goes first (and you might be the person on the right so get moving.) If four people show up at the same time, it's every man for himself. But sometimes, you’ll be the second one to an intersection, and Mr. Nice Guy will want to let you go first. If you think you are being a good neighbor by letting someone go in front of you, you are mucking up the whole system. STOP IT. These “do-gooders” are just asking for an accident, waving their hand and smiling. Your job is to sit and wait for them to comply with the rules of the four way stop. Soon, they will begin to frown and wave their hand frantically. Finally, in disgust, they will peel out and shake their fist as they go by. I hate do-gooders.



You Are Lost
If you see this sign, you are lost. Immediately turn around and consult your iPhone directions. Again.

Universe Egg

We tried mixing all the colors of the dyes to make black and we got this instead.

Very Lucky

I wrote a play for MadLab's 3 in 30: Lucky show. In the end, the director and I decided to cut out the mime parts. It was too distracting from the two actors and really didn't add anything to the show.  Some of the lines were modified as well because part of the mime's job was to constantly have harder and harder death scenes to act out.

Here is the script. Sorry about the formatting:

At RISE:                                                        

ACE sits in a chair facing stage right.  An empty seat is in front of him and also behind him.  A COP walks in with MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS and sits him facing away from ACE.

COP

Sit here and wait until you are called.

The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS does a “tip of the hat and a bow” to the COP. The COP shakes his head and walks off.

DR. DUNN walks in wearing a suit jacket.

DR. DUNN

Hello Mr. Clover. I'm Paul Dunn. I work for the county as a… helper.

ACE

You mean psychologist?

DR. DUNN

That sounds so formal, Mr. Clover.  If you want formality, you can call me Dr. Dunn.

ACE

Hello Dr. Dunn. Please, call me Ace.

DR. DUNN

You know, Ace, it usually it takes about six hours to get a doctor over here to the station. But I had one client get sick and another escape so my entire morning was open.

ACE

Yes. Lucky me.

DR. DUNN

It gave me time to take a nice relaxing walk in the park all alone to gather my thoughts.

ACE

It’s good to be alone sometimes…

DR. DUNN

So, I'm here because you have refused to get a lawyer, you won’t answer any questions and yet you aren’t requesting to leave. They think you are traumatized. They want to know if you are capable of even answering questions.

ACE

So basically they want to know if I’m crazy.

DR. DUNN

Well, to be honest, yes.

ACE

Do I get to look at the ink splotches? I love those tests.

DR. DUNN

No. We are just going to talk. I'll write down some notes. Then I'll talk to the judge and see if we can't.. oh crap...my favorite pen is broken... AND LEAKING! All over my papers!

(Dr. Dunn stands up and wipes ink from his hands and reveals an ink splotch on the paper.)

ACE

I see a knife stuck in someone’s back.

DR. DUNN

What?

ACE

The ink blot test... on your paper.. a knife. In someone’s back.

DR. DUNN

Oh, I see it now.

ACE

Here, you can borrow my pen.

DR. DUNN

Thanks. Wow, that’s a weird looking pen. So, why won't you get a lawyer?

ACE

I don't need one.

DR. DUNN

You could be in some very big trouble here.  You were found standing over that bleeding woman. She's in a coma and it’s not looking good.

ACE

I called 911. That’s more than just standing over her.

DR. DUNN

There were no other witnesses. You seem guilty because you won’t talk.

ACE

In the end, they’ll find me innocent. They want me here for questions and I don’t need to answer them just yet. I’ll talk soon enough. I’m sure things will turn in my favor. They always do. I’m very lucky.

DR. DUNN

Being lucky means capitalizing on random opportunities. Nothing more.

ACE

Not for me.

DR. DUNN

What do you mean?

ACE

I’m lucky.  Good things happen to me.

DR. DUNN

You’re not lucky right now.

ACE

My luck will turn.

DR. DUNN

Some people are good observers. Lucky people find a $20 bill on the ground because they notice it when so-called unlucky person doesn’t.

ACE

No. It’s more than that. I’ve been lucky my whole life… but the people around me… they’ve been unlucky. It’s as if my luck is only based on the misfortune of others.

 DR. DUNN

(writing and speaking to himself)

Over-inflated sense of ego…

ACE

It’s not that. It’s… it’s luck! The worst kind of lucky.

DR. DUNN

It’s coincidence.

(When ACE speaks about the individual scenarios, the MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS

acts them out.)

ACE

I used to think that. When I was 8, I wanted the neighbor’s bike. He had an accident when the brakes failed and was paralyzed. His parents gave me the bike.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS Hit by car pantomime.)

DR. DUNN

That’s more unfortunate for him than it was lucky for you.

ACE

At 12, I was the worst kid on the baseball team. We made it to the playoffs and both teams’ Gatorade made everyone but me sick. The coach had no choice but to put me in. The pitcher couldn’t throw strikes. I got hit by a pitch and the puking runner on third threw up all the way home for the winning run.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS Sick, baseball, puking pantomime.)

DR. DUNN

That’s just gross.

ACE

At 16 I wanted a car. I found $5000 in the street. No one claimed the money, but later we found out it was dropped when a man was shoved into traffic while leaving the bank.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS counting money, pushed in traffic pantomime.)

DR. DUNN

Everyone gets lucky.  Look, I found this gold coin I found in the park this morning.

ACE

I’m different.

DR. DUNN

Ace… do you know about Indian rain dances?

ACE

Sure. Indians dance and then it rains.

DR. DUNN

Sure. But did you know that they work 100% of the time?

ACE

Now that’s impossible. Dancing doesn’t make it rain.

DR. DUNN

The way a rain dance works is that they dance until it does rain. It’s got to rain some time. They just dance until it does. When it does, they give credit to the dancing.

ACE

What’s that have to do with me?

DR. DUNN

You probably wish for 100 things a day. When something does happen for you, you forget the 99 other wishes and remember the one.  You just keep wishing for things and when something does randomly fall in your lap, you blame luck.

ACE

I don’t sit around wishing all day. As a matter of fact, I spend a lot of time trying not to wish for anything so that the people around me aren’t hurt. I only wish when I really need to use it. When I feel like my back is against a wall.

DR. DUNN

So now you are a superhero with superpowers?

ACE

At 23, I was poor, out of work airplane mechanic and in love with a woman who was in love with my best friend.  I loved her with all my heart. One day I wished we could be together. He was killed in an industrial accident when he fell down a set of stairs, was impaled on a set of decorative spears and then fell in a pit of acid.  She collected from a huge lawsuit and I was there to help her through her grief.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS falls down stairs, is impaled by spears and falls in acid. Then, man giving woman hug pantomime.)

DR. DUNN

That’s a complete and horrible coincidence.

ACE

If I wish for something hard enough, I’ll get it.

DR. DUNN

Still… it could all be random chance. Couldn’t  it?

ACE

Her parents didn’t bless our relationship. They said they would do everything they could to keep us apart.  I wished they could see things in a different way. As luck would have it, they died in a small plane crash and we were able to marry.

(MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS Horrible plane crash pantomime.)

DR. DUNN

You are beginning to scare me.

ACE

And now, in a hospital across town, she is dying.  She needs a full liver, kidney and heart transplant.  We have the money to pay for it, but not the organs.

  DR. DUNN

I’m sorry to hear that.

ACE

Worse yet, she has a very rare blood type.

DR. DUNN

It seems your luck has now completely run out.

ACE

Well. You see… this morning I made a wish.

DR. DUNN

What are you saying?

ACE

I wished that my wife would get better. That she would be able to get the transplant.

DR. DUNN

The stabbed woman?

ACE

The woman who was stabbed… If I’m very lucky, she’ll die and be a donor with my wife’s extremely rare blood type.

DR. DUNN

That’s impossible.

ACE

It’s highly improbable.

DR. DUNN

You… you murdered her!

ACE

It was some other guy. As a matter of fact, from a distance, he looked a lot like you.

DR. DUNN

What?

ACE

Yes. Someone with your looks. Now as I recall, now as the trauma has dissipated,  I seem to remember him stabbing her in the neck. Maybe with a pen.

DR. DUNN

They won’t believe you. I have an alibi… I was…

ACE

As luck you would have it, you were walking in the park alone this morning. With no witnesses. Except an off duty mime that saw you from afar…

DR. DUNN

No!

ACE

And I’m guessing that woman was a rare coin collector and that she is missing a rare gold coin.

DR. DUNN

You are insane! That’s crazy.

ACE

Is it?

The COP walks it and speaks to the MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS

                                                                        COP

Alright, pal. Time to look at photos and see if you can pick out the man you saw stab the woman.

The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS beings pointing to the two other men and miming a stabbing motion.

COP

That’s him?

The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS nods and the COP walks over to the two.

COP

That pen! It matches the wound on her neck!

DR. DUNN

It’s not mine! It’s his!

(The cop reaches in DR. DUNN’s jacket pocket.)

COP

The missing gold coin. You’re coming with me, murderer.

(The COP drags him off. The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS follows making hanging pantomimes.)

DR. DUNN

No! It was him. He set this all up. He did it. He’s the one! He’s….. he’s….

ACE

Very lucky.

THE END

Pick Five Music Videos You Would Send to the Universe

My co-worker posed a question the other day.  He asked, “If you had the opportunity to send five music videos into the cosmos in the hopes that some alien civilization would find and be able to watch them, what videos would they be?”

We spoke for a few minutes and set up some guidelines. The videos, in our opinion, would have to be ones that would give the alien race an overall sense of what music videos are, how they are and why MTV doesn't play them anymore. The popularity of the song or the artist(s) would not matter, just the video.

And somehow, it wasn't hard to pick.  I had about ten and then just had to narrow it down.

I'll list mine first with a little commentary. If Jeffrey has any comments, I can add those later. Feel free to drop your top five in the comments and your reasons why they should be sent into space.

Worlds Apart – Journey 

Worlds Apart is the quintessential music video. Full band playing invisible instruments. Lip syncing. Real emotion that is faked. Then real instruments. A girl who seems not to notice them. A wharf. This is the Rosetta Stone of music videos. 

Wires - RED FANG

This video is very instructional as it gives a step by step course on how to make a video. And they break shit because that is what rock is all about.

Sledgehammer – Peter Gabriel 

Sledgehammer takes the Worlds Apart Rosetta Stone and smashes it in front of the Golden Calf of the music industry. This is the best video ever.

Psycho Killer (From the Film “Stop Making Sense) - The Talking Heads 

David Byrne does not need to have his video shot into space, because he is God and can do it himself.  He'll get to it once the Earth is destroyed and he finds himself seeking entertainment on another ethereal plane. 

Jerk It – Thunderheist 

thunderheist - jerk it from thatgo on Vimeo.

I have my reasons for liking this video.  You can read about them here.

Here are Jeffrey's videos. Not a bad collection to send our alien friends to be. 

Take on Me- aha

Thriller-Michael Jackson

Hot for Teacher- Van Halen

Fat- Weird Al 

OK, so to understand this one, the Aliens would need to know that this is a parody, so we are allowing a 4.5th video to go along and that would be:

Bad- Michael Jackson

Gin and Juice-Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre

The Things I Love

Some day, I will be dead. I'm not sure if I will ever leave behind a legacy. I'm just a guy. But if you are still reading this or if you are one of my kids or my grandkids, you might wonder, "What kind of person was Doug?" Hopefully, this collection of links will let you know the things I liked or the things that moved me.  Maybe you will walk away with more questions. Maybe that is a good thing. Here is a list of things I loved:

Sarah Brightman & Andrea Bocelli sing "Time to Say Goodbye."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl9WMIPzd6w&feature=kp

Susan Boyle sings "I Dreamed A Dream."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk




This is a project that I will attempt to keep up with. Each time I add something, I'll add the date below.

2014.2.14

Melt Bar and Grilled: A Review

Miss Sally and I heard testimonials from several people about a new restaurant in Columbus called Melt: Bar andGrilled so we decided to check it out. 

We went on Saturday night around 9:00 p.m. and the place was hopping.  The hostess said the wait would be about 90 minutes and she had us dig through a pumpkin head for a name tag.  I got one that said, “Shut the front door.” We were to stick the nametag in a very visible place as the hostess would be around later to find us when our seat came up. She said that the bar was full service, so that if we could find seats, we could eat there. So we went up to the bar to get beers.

The decor was nice. Fun light fixtures. TVs at the bar. Pop culture icons drawn on the walls. The place was packed, but they seemed to handle the crowds and we got beers quickly. Their beer menu is impressive, though we they did list the Blonde Bombshell Ale as a hefeweizen, so that was an interesting surprise on the first drink.  It was good enough that we didn't send it back.

After about 15 minutes, two seats at the bar did open up and we ordered. The menus are stuck to the back of album covers so they are giant squares that don’t live well on a bar, but the folks at the bar are quick to distribute them and as quick to spirit them away.  The menu offered some great looking deep fried snacks and the soups looked awesome.  We decided to skip the food foreplay and get sandwiches. In the end, I think what the chef that developed menu did was take the menu from another restaurant and then add thick slices of bread and cheese.  While there are some classic sandwiches like the Monte Crisco and the Cheeses Steak, I really wonder if there isn’t any meal in the world that you just can’t cram between two slabs of bread with cheese and call it a melt. I’m not complaining. I’m just waiting for the Big Mac Melt which is a Big Mac with Pepper jack between two wedges of sourdough.

In the end, I got bacon egg and cheese, called the Wake & Bacon and Miss Sally got the Purple Parma which is eggplant parmesan between two Stonehenge sized slices of bread.

My sandwich was exactly as expected with plenty of bacon and eggs cooked to order. The cheese seemed a bit processed as it was more sauce that it was gooey cheese, but it was still delicious. If you ever order this sandwich, substitute the “American Cheese” for something else.  Miss Sally's sandwich was a tank of eggplant.  Two generous slices of deep fried eggplant with parmesan and hint of marinara.  It was about 3" tall and impossible to eat as a sandwich.  The eggplant was cooked perfectly, which is difficult at times for some restaurants, but two slices was over doing it.  Add to that that the bread is 3/4" thick on both ends and she wound up eating it with a fork and knife.  She was hoping for a bit more gooey cheese and marinara.   In the end, it was a bit dry as the bread and breading absorbed any moisture. Pro-Tip: Ask for extra marinara on the side and eat it open faced.

The fries were tasty and they were the kind that went well with malt vinegar, which they had on the bar.  I did get the tail end of a batch of fries so I had a lot of bits and pieces of fried tips in my order. That didn't matter because I only was able to dig into to about half the fires before I tapped out.

There was bread pudding on the menu, but we were overwhelmed with food and unable to order it. Forgive me.

We got to-go boxes and used a fork lift to lower the left overs into the containers. I heated up my sandwich this morning and it still tasted great outside of the American goo on it.

We made it out with three beers and two sandwiches for about $35, which is a great deal.

We were completely bothered by their cutesy name tag business.  There was constantly someone walking through the bar yelling out, “I’m looking for Groovy Baby” or “Is there a Green Ranger” or “Where’s Waldo?”  Most people were not paying attention and because they weren’t calling out real names, it was a huge disconnect. I’m sure the people that work there absolutely hate this.

Overall, it was a nice experience. The food was decent, the beer list was impressive and the service was snappy, helpful and polite. I highly recommend that you check the place out at least once. I think the menu is just deep enough that you can wade in and find something you’ll like. Just don’t be afraid to custom order or make substitutions. 

Melt Bar and Grilled has four locations in the Cleveland area and one in Columbus.

The List of Things I Have Not Said On Facebook

Just like you, I am on Facebook. And also just like you, I have stupid friends who leave inane status updates that I would love to reply to and cannot because we probably wouldn't be friends anymore. Maybe that would be a good thing. Here is a list of things I have not said on Facebook in reply to my friends:

I am too short to ride your emotional roller coaster.

Your cause sucks.

No. You are nothing like any of the characters from Disney.

Your diet is a pyramid scheme.

Please fight with your husband at home.

You just ran eight miles? My ass you did.

Of course you want a drink… you are an alcoholic.

Just get a new cat.

Now there are 24 more things about you I didn't want to know.

Fucking read snopes.com before you post that shit. Idiot!

Your job does suck and your boss reads your FB page.

Yes, you are that guy.

Thanks! I was going to look outside to see that the weather was shitty, but now I’ll find something else to do.

I thought you were a racist before and now I know. Thanks for the clarification.

You are not 18 anymore. Nor are you 26 or even 35. Just quit it.

You have no idea what feckless means.

I am thankful that the 30 days of this are up.

Holy crap, I think I can see your tits in that photo.

That tattoo looks like complete shit.

Third time's a charm, dumbass.

White Elephant parties explained

White Elephant gift exchanges can add a spark to your holiday party. Though as the host, be prepared to throw away 150 pounds of worthless crap that your guests leave behind. (Who wants to lug home a broken scanner/copier/fax with unused magenta ink cartridge?)

Shorty and Kim recently hosted a holiday party and their White Elephant exchange went very well. We had a wide range of packages, boxes and burlap sacks that filled the spectrum of textbook White Elephant gifts. I thought it would be a public service to utilize photos from the party to demonstrate the different types of gifts you will see at a White Elephant.

The Re-Gift
The simplest form of White Elephant is the re-gift. This is a present that was given to you by someone who thought you might actually need or want it. Be sure to wipe the dust off the box before you wrap it.


{S’Mores Maker – Comes with everything you need to make s’mores except marshmallows, graham crackers, chocolate and fire.}

The Re-re-gift
A classic! This is a gift that is given with the intention of having it re-gifted at a later date. The gift is usually campy and has a light on the inside of it. If you give a re-re-gift and see it sitting on your friend’s bookshelf, you have failed. If you receive the same re-re-gift back again ten years later at another White Elephant party, you have succeeded.


{Purse Lamp with Faux Fur}

The Closet Gift
Most White Elephant gifts are selected ten minutes before the giver leaves for the party. The Closet Gift is pulled from the bottom junk closet and shoved in a gift bag right before the party starts. The Closet Gift does not come in a box and is thrown in a gift bag or it is wrapped as is. This usually leads to a lot of guessing to the wrapped contents during the selection process. “Hmmmm, I wonder what is inside the gift that is Alvin with a hula-hoop shaped?” If you go to enough White Elephant parties, you can get your spring cleaning done months in advance.


{Hula Hooping Alvin with looping, audio track}

Dog Turd
This little known but enticing gift is exactly what you think it is. Be sure to put the poop in a plastic bag with the date you collected it. Labeling the breed on the bag is optional. It is customary to add a few of your unused senior pictures in the box along with the dogshit.


{Dog Turds}

Fruit Cake
Surprisingly, fruit cake is the closest evidence we have to proving the existence of God. At any given White Elephant party, someone will bring a fruit cake. But somehow, against all odds, only one person brings THE fruit cake. Usually God will come to you in a dream and request that you bring the fruit cake. It is an honor. For years, atheists have been trying to bring additional fruit cakes to nay say, but somehow these bogus fruit cakes are “accidentally” left at home or “somehow” forgotten in the car. It has been recorded that Calista Flockhart was converted to Christianity at a White Elephant party in 1992 when our Lord came to her in a dream, in the form of a sandwich, to give her the task of bringing the fruitcake.

It is customary to also give a humorous hand painted holiday sign along with the fruit cake. Almighty God, we beseech thee, Amen.


{Fruit Cake and Humorous Hand Painted Holiday Sign}

Not Useless Yet
Sometimes you have valuable items at home that will expire at year’s end. Why not share the last dying gasps of a gift’s life with a friend? Calendars are a great Not Useless Yet gift. Condoms that are about to expire are also desirable. Frozen foods and canned items are acceptable. DO NOT GIVE COUPONS, ASSHOLE.


{"365 Days of Duct Tape Fixes Calendar"}

Grab Bag
This gift is similar to the Closet Gift except that it is several smaller items tossed together. Visibly used items are the key here. You’ll want to stop at the Quicky-Mart on the way over to top off the selection of items. It’s also best to wrap the items inside a burlap sack. Burlap is the new cotton.


{Candles, Whoopie Cushion, Several varieties of mints, brass candle holder basket- All wrapped up in a burlap bag (not in photo.}

Fiber Optics
This one is sure to get traded back and forth at the party! The Fiber Optic gift is the hardest to part with, but reaps the greatest reward. The multicolored changing lights. The rush to find an outlet to plug it in. The secondary rush to find the switch to turn off the lights. The 15 minutes it takes to figure out how to take a clear photo of the fucking thing! Brilliant!


{Fiber Optic Rotating Glass Penguin Sculpture}

The Odds Beater
You don’t know that you’ve given an Odds Beater gift until it is opened. You thought it was a Closet Gift or a Re-Gift, but what you don’t realize is the receiver of this gift was at Wal-Mart just that afternoon, thinking about buying said item. There is usually a bit of jumping up and down and “Oh my Gods!” Do not mention that you thought it was a piece of shit. Try this line, “Oh I was hoping that you were going to pick mine!”


{6.5” 120 Watt (peak) dual speakers}

At the end of the night, I ended up with a DVD copy of “Badder Santa” (the unrated version) and Miss Sally received an educational “You’re it. Get Fit!” DVD. We’ve got the makings for a Grab Bag for next year’s party.