Taco Bell and White Castle Burrito

A few hours ago, Fake Dispatch was extremely hungry and posted the following:

When I got home, I decided, "Why the hell not?" I loaded Greg and Ann into the van and we headed to White Castle.

Thanks to my Reddit Secret Santa, I had a White Castle gift card.

$5.88 and a sack of 8 Sliders later, I ended up at Taco Bell. There I purchased a bean burrito, and chili cheese burrito (I'm sad they don't call it chilito anymore) and a beefy melt burrito.

At home we unloaded the bags.

And unloaded the contents.

I bought two extra White Castles for the kids to eat. Ann was not impressed by the smell.

Greg was in heaven!

I knew that I was going to need to stuff these Castles in the tortilla shells and I didn't know how well they would take the pressure. Instead I took some waxed paper and rolled the Castles up nice and tight.

I took the beefy melt burrito and revealed the OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S HIDEOUS!

Pro Tip: Don't ever open your Taco Bell.

I inserted the White Castles...

and folded it back up.

I cut it open to reveal the unnatural bond of burger and burrito.

And then I took a bite.

I'm not going to lie to you. It was delicious. It was DELICIOUS! The red sauce and the rice with the soft bread and oniony, steamy burger... it was really tasty.

Greg liked it, too.

Next was the chili cheese burrito.

Ann tried this one.

While she didn't like it, it, too, was really good!

Finally we tried the bean burrito.

Sadly, the bean burrito was not at all good. The fresh onions did not mix well with the steamed onions and there was an onion gang war in my belly.

Overall, White Castle and Taco Bell make an awesome combination. If you have some wax paper and a wife that only threatens to kick you out of the house for stinking up the place (wait until 3:00am) then I suggest you try it!

Can Birds See the Color Yellow?

Yes, Beth, birds can see the color yellow.  I'm just fucking with you.

Father's Day gift tips

What NOT TO GET your dad for Father’s Day

1. Soap on a Rope (unless he’s in jail)
2. The DNA test (let’s just keep that between Mom and the Fed-Ex guy)
3. Anything with the word “soy” in it.
4. Used scaffolding
5. Beer in amounts more than 39 ounces
6. Rocking chair
7. Old Spice
8. Elvis anything
9. Chalk or anything that is written on with chalk
10. Lie detector

What TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Carbide
2. Gift certificate to Scores or The Landing Strip
3. A tie (it’s back in this year)
4. Bacon, 1 pound (raw or cooked)
5. Anything that starts with Nintendo or ends with Box.
6. Anything salted
7. Bribe money
8. Fortified wine
9. Dashboard hula girl
10. “How to Pass a Lie Detector Test” book/pamphlet

O-blah-ma

A conversation on Facebook. He deleted his comments, but I knew he was going to so I took a screen shot.

Click image to see huge-like.

Who's In Charge Here?

I've worked in the museum business for a good chunk of time. For a while, I was a traveling exhibit manager, which meant I got to work with a lot of different kinds of technicians, temp laborers, electricians and union workers during the set up and installation of the exhibit. I know what it is like to be a punk kid asking people that have been on the job longer than I have been alive to get work done. Usually I just kill them with kindness. You need to have these people on your side as they can make your life a holy hell. Bring them doughnuts. Don't let them get away with murder, but manslaughter is OK.

So years later I was told this story and shat my pants.

We were bringing in an exhibit to a museum. The exhibit came with a set up coordinator. I had been taking care of the arrangements to bring the exhibit in and had been in constant contact with them. Our museum used the same crew of people for exhibit set up and tear down and they are awesome. There's one guy that runs all the workers and they are efficient, know the building, ask the right questions and get the job done.

When the exhibit arrived at the loading dock, our team of installers was waiting for instructions. The exhibit set up coordinator went down to the loading dock and walked into the group.

"Are you the set up crew?"
Yes, they answered.
"Who's in charge here?"
The man who always runs the crew said, "I guess that would be me."
And the coordinator said, "No. I'm in charge and don't you forget it."

Holy shit. That's the biggest douchebag move on record. Sure you make an impression, but come on.

Of course, in the back of my mind, whenever I go somewhere and am in charge of set up, I love to ask the question, "Who's in charge here?" The labor always wonders why I laugh after saying it.

Happy Birthday CD101

Our local radio station, CD101, is turning 21 years old. I can remember when they first came on the air. The are an awesome independent, alternative radio station. Thinking about this reminded my of my trip to Shreveport, Louisiana.

In 1994, I had a job that was going to have me living in Shreveport for four months. Coming from Columbus, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get my fix of alternative radio. I wasn't even sure that the South had alternative music.

It was a Sunday night and I was driving to Shreveport. About 40 miles outside of the city I was flipping through the radio stations when some 1994 alternative song came on. I couldn't believe it. I don't remember what song it was, but it was followed up by another alternative song. For the next half hour, great alternative song after song came on. Maybe the South wasn't so bad after all!

About five miles out side of Shreveport, the DJ came on and said, "Well, that wraps up another solid hour of alternative hits. We'll see you next week for Alternative Sundays!"

And then something Richard Marx came on.

Happy Birthday CD101!

Fake Dispatch in (614) Magazine

I have a Twitter account called Fake Dispatch. Fake Dispatch is actually more popular than HolyJuan and I need to get over that.

Recently, Fake Dispatch was interviewed in a local magazine called (614) Magazine.

Here it is! Click the photo to embiggen.

Quitting Outlook 2010

It's almost like they don't want you to open it.

I'm not sure what the answer is supposed to be...

...but I like Greg's a whole lot better.

Thanks For Not Being Dead Yet

(AUTHOR’S UPDATE:  Ray was alive when I wrote this. Since his death, I’ve felt bad about how I wrote it.  I think it was my way of dealing with his illness by being aloof. So, I decided to edit it. Then, I decided not to. Then I decided to do a little of both and add this little explanation at the top, but not change anything below. I think Ray appreciated it at the time, so we’ll leave it be.)

I’m not sure if there is anything called a Thanks For Not Being Dead Yet, but I’d like to start it.

Dear Ray,

Hey Ray! Thanks for not being dead yet. I’m sure you really would have little control over whether or not you were dead, but that is beside the point. You are not dead and I’d like to let you know that I am very happy that you are not.

I met Ray years ago and we I immediately clicked. And when I say clicked, I mean he immediately took advantage of the fact that I was an overconfident 23 year old dipshit.

When I was a traveling exhibit manager, Ray would come out on the road with me and help me set up and tear down exhibits. When we were in Boston tearing down an exhibit and loading it on the semi trucks, Ray told me, “Doug, go down stairs, follow this load plan and pretend like you know what you are doing.” So boldly I went down stairs and with four union guys and the semi driver standing around I said, “Let’s get this truck loaded!” The driver said, “What are we loading first?” With sweaty palms I looked at the load plan. I flipped it around in my hands and mumbled. Then I studdered. The driver said, “Hey, what’s that guy upstairs name?” I said, “Ray?” The driver said, “Go get Ray.”

I went upstairs and sheepishly said to Ray, “They want you down stairs.” Ray saw that I was beat and left without berating me. He called me down later to show me how the truck was packed and how to deal with asshole drivers and how to listen to union guys bitch and not to worry about it.

A week later, Ray and I were in Omaha setting up the Science of Sports exhibit. We were out to dinner with Martin and while ordering food, Ray ordered what I wanted to order. I changed my order because of the Food Poisoning Theory. Ray and Martin asked about the FPT and told them that if you are in a situation where you cannot afford to have everyone go down with an illness, you must order different food. Ray and Martin laughed. Four hours later Ray called me from his hotel room. He was doubled up with cramps and food poisoning. He blamed me. I can’t blame him.

When I think of Ray, I think of him in front of a lathe, turning a piece of metal or plastic, with the stringy bits curling off into a pile of the floor. I think of Ray with a Guinness and a story about living on a commune or something awesome that one of his kids has accomplished. Ray always has a solution to a problem. It might not be the one you want to hear, but it is probably the right one. Ray was always able to follow up any of my bullshit with a similar statement of bullshittery. Ray always listens to good music. Sometimes there are bongos and I can live with that. Ray has a great laugh. Whenever I needed a tool, I'd ask Ray for it. Ray would then ask me what I was trying to do and I would tell him. Ray would then hand me a completely different tool and show me how to use it. Ray would help you to hide a body or help you to find a body if you needed one to hide.

And I will never forget when Ray told me that he was happy that he and I were going to get to work together again.

Here’s to you Ray. Thanks for not being dead yet.

Beth and HolyJuan

Here's Beth and I at work.

Greg Nailed It

Greg pretty much nailed his Mother's Day card this year:

Karen and Calvin and Hobbes

Years and years ago, my little sister thought that it was important enough to cut out two Calvin and Hobbes comics and put them on poster board for me. I was in college at the time and thought it was nice of her.

Click. Get big.

Now years later, when I want to write something that rhymes, I find myself always writing to the last line of the poem in the first comic.

"Tomorrow's what I'm waiting for,
But I can wait a little more."

It's perfect.

And when my kids call for me to go outside, I can't help but think of the second comic when I feel the urge to tell them to let me finish my really important computer crap that won't mean squat years from now.

"In ten years they won't know I'm here,
as things like cars and boys appear,
But I'll have left them with a slight
Of love my sister did requite."

Thanks, sis.

Just so you know

I haven't changed much in 26 years.

The Cadpeepunny

Yesterday on Fake_Dispatch, I came up with an Easter idea so surgarly horrific that diabetics worldwide all simultaneousness wept when I posted the idea.

Miss Sally was at Target and I asked her to pick up the Cadpeepunny ingredients. She said they were all out of Cadbury Eggs. I said forget it and I forgot it.

This morning I went to do some shopping at Krogers. Because of Ohio's Blue Laws, I had to wait ten minutes until 10:00am to buy the wine for our Easter dinner at Grandma Susie's. While I was waiting, I roamed the isles and came upon their empty shelves of Easter candy. Not so empty that they didn't have mini Cadbury Eggs, Peeps and a hollow chocolate bunny.

Tonight I went to work.

I unwrapped the eggs.

Prepped the Peep Bunny.

Unkindly shoved the egg in.

Here is my very poor attempt and stuffing a peep with egg. He looks very pregnant.

Here's the bunny.

Cut off the bottom with a hot knife.

Stuffed it with pregnant bunny goodness.

And sealed the bottom back on.

Miss Sally reluctantly took photos of me taking a bite knowing that it would be hard for her to hold the camera AND inject me with insulin.

Delicious! I hope to make a billion dollars marketing these so that I can pay up all the money I will owe in legal bills to Cadbury and for liposuction.

Good Seasons Italian Dressing Cruet Kit SECRET

When we were growing up, our salads only knew two types of dressing: French and the make-it-yourself Good Seasons Italian. In purchasing the Good Seasons Italian Dressing packets, my father had the grocery store under his thumb for he knew the secret of the cruet!

On each of his four children’s thirteenth birthday, he would impart the secret of the Good Seasons Italian Dressing Cruet Kit to us. Now, I will share that secret with you.


Photo by Mike Hopkins

To get consumers hooked on their Italian Dressing packets, those crazy marketing folks over at Good Seasons packaged two packs of the dry dressing mix with a FREE cruet. I think “cruet” was second foreign word I learned right after “Irish Spring.” The cruet that came with the dressing had three convenient lines etched on it for easy construction of the Italian Dressing. First V for vinegar, then W for water and last O for oil. Fill each ingredient to its line (pour in the packet between the W and the O,) cap the lid and shake shake shake. In 1983, my brother was making the dressing and put the oil in first. The resulting explosion took off the east wing of our kitchen and Steve never heard the same out of his remaining ear.

The marketing folks assumed that you would by the cruet kit the first time and then buy the individual packets from then out. But they never calculated the my dad would figure out their little secret.

So back to my thirteenth birthday… after the cake and the gifts, dad took me into the kitchen and showed me the cruet kit and said, “When you buy the Italian dressing in the kit, they give you two packets of dressing and the cruet. If you buy the packets individually, THEY COST MORE PER PACK! When you buy the kit, you are getting the packets cheaper AND a free cruet.” It was then that I noticed the third shelf up in our dishware cabinet was filled with cruets. The everything drawer teemed with the plastic lids. Week by week and cruet by cruet, my father was slowly putting the Good Seasons people out of business.

Just the other day at Kroger’s, I took these photos. I’ll help with the math:
Cruet Kit


$2.79 or $1.395 per packet

Individual dressing packet


$1.59 per packet

A savings of $.195 per packet. I figure in my father’s lifetime, he has saved about $25,345. That’s almost enough to cover the by-pass surgery! He’s also got a basement full of cruets and no other glassware to be found in the house.

As for me? I have saved $1.17 because as soon as Miss Sally noticed what I was doing, she shut down the cruet purchases and made me spend the extra twenty cents to buy the packets individually sans cruet. Miss Sally runs a tight ship.

I can’t wait for my kids to turn thirteen.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
A lot of people find this site because they are searching for replacement lids or cruet kits. If I was smart, I would sell them from this site and make a billion dollars. But I am not smart. If you want to buy the kits on line, look here at Net Grocer.

If you want to complain about why Good Seasons is no longer in your local store, write and/or all here:
Kraft Foods Global, Inc.
Global Consumer Relations
1 Kraft Court
Glenview, IL 60025
1-877-535-5666

Good luck. Please tell them I said, "Howdy!"

Extra Alone

Annie's Lost Ladybug Magnifying Glass

Miss Sally, Greg, Annie and I went to a new park in Westerville. It's a pretty cool little park. There are a bunch of standard park slides, structures and swinging stuff, but there is also a lot of open ended play. From the road it looks like a very standard, plastic park, but once you start exploring, there's a bunch of stuff to do like jump on rocks and build dams and find frogs.

Annie brought along her ladybug magnifying glass. It was Greg's until he lost interest and then Annie adopted it. When we first arrived she was checking out dirt, which to her was pretty interesting.

We did a few activities. I noticed a water table and started taking photos while Miss Sally and the kids were climbing around on stuff. Annie found something that needed a closer look so she called forth for her magnifying glass. But it was nowhere to be found. We looked around the area and checked for little kids who might have accidentally picked it up. Nothing.

Annie forgot about the magnifying glass and we try not to mention it.

Today at work, I needed to take a few photos of some equipment. When I down loaded the photos, I saw the park photos I took. I decided to share the cool water table with my co-workers so I downloaded those photos.

As I was getting ready to crop them, I thought about the magnifying glass and started to look to see if I could see where Annie had set it down.

There it is! That tiny speck of blue and red!

Annie had set it down and I just barely could make it out in that image.

So let's look at the second photo of the water table.

That's a cool water table and...

"Enhance 34 to 36. Pan right and pull back. Stop. Enhance 34 to 46. Pull back. Wait a minute, go right, stop. Enhance 57 to 19."

A ha!

I couldn't believe it! I felt like this was CSI and I needed to make a GUI interface or something.

Before you start casting stones, I will say that this park was wacky enough that there could have been magnifying glasses sitting around for people to use. I bet she played with it and then set it down for someone else to find.

We'll have to got back and look for it. I bet it's still there.