Banzi slide is small or GREG IS HUGE

Greg had a great day at baseball, winning the coveted game ball. Afterwards we went to Toy R Us so that he could use his money to buy some Gogo Crazy Bones. While there, Miss Sally asked us to get a Slip-n-Slide.

Instead of going with a well known, brand name, I went with the Banzi 16' Soak N Splash with Body Board (sale price $6.99.)


I knew this was a good buy because the kids on the front of the box were having an awesome time.

At home in the backyard, something was amiss. I unfolded the slide and immediatley found that the end with the water collection splash enabler was much smaller than expected. The box showed a kid sliding into a small baby pool sized basin. This was much smaller.

Here is the slide in action with the box for reference. This was take number 122 to get the photo just right.


Greg is HUGE!

You can see the Greg's hand reaches all the way to the back when his shoulders are at the edge of the pool area. A total misrepresentation. That's something I would expect when paying $4.99 but NOT $6.99!

I wanted to see if it was possible to get the shot on the box, so I got down very low and got the box angle.


I then added Greg.


Out of Focus Virtual Greg looks like he is having an awesome time.

Subway's 1st Grade Assignment

My son, Greg, brought home his visualization assignment from 1st grade. He did pretty good:


Accidentally stuck to his assignment was his classmate Subway's assignment:


Now I understand.

Towel Day is May 25th

Help to honor the life of Douglas Adams by celebrating Towel Day.

Here are some things you can do with your towel:

carry small stuff

drag bigger stuff

drape it over stuff too big to drag

don it

wrap it around your head

hide contraband

detain people with contraband

hide your shame

shame your hide

table cloth

somewhere to put sand when you are at the beach

emergency coffee filter

flag

gag

rag

makeshift bra

loin cloth

makeshift bra and loin cloth combo

sling

hands-on science museum speed of sound demonstration

And if you run out of ideas, you can use it to lay on in a field at night, stare up at the stars and thank Douglas Adams for making the Universe a much better place to be insignificant in.

Please feel free to add your own towel ideas in the comments.

Super Desserts

Love this: Funeral

Super Desserts - Funeral from Ohio Sessions on Vimeo.

What are you still doing here? Go listen to more of their stuff! http://superdesserts.bandcamp.com/album/banjo-forever.

Get on it before they decide to break up and build a barn.

Silky

I'm not sure you remember this, but at one time in your life, you were a virgin. And then all of a sudden, you weren't. For girls, I assume it was traumatic and disappointing. Quick and forgettable. Maybe it was painful or is some rare cases, flowery and orgasmic. For guys, it's all exactly the same experience.

For a number of years, I traveled with a science museum exhibit. I was in Syracuse for four months and I met Mike. Mike was the first guy I met on the road that was about my age and had his shit together. He showed me the town and we had an occasional drink occasionally.

Conversation usually turned to girls. And sex.

Mike said that there is only one way to describe how it feels when a boy puts his pee pee inside a girl. Especially that first time. He said it and it didn't sound dirty and it didn't sound bad. It sounded just like I remember it.

Silky.

We laughed because it was true. Later on, we'd be in the middle of a conversation and someone would say, "silky." Normally you would stretch it out: sillllky. It was great to drop it into conversation when there were three or four people in the room. We'd always laugh and then we'd pause because in our minds we would go back to that time. Silky.

My stay was too short and soon I was packing up to leave. Without my knowledge, Mike took a piece of packing tape and slapped it on the side of my traveling filing cabinet. On it he wrote, "Silky." As we were loading the trucks I saw the tape and laughed out loud. I'm sure, because it feels so good to say it, I said out loud, "Silky." And then I paused to think.

Months later my time as exhibit manager was up and I handed the exhibit over to Dave. I trained him for a few days and left the exhibit for the last time.

Dave would call from time to time with questions. One day his question was why the word "silky" was written on the side of the filing cabinet. Telling him was hilarious.

Tonight as I was chatting with Dave via IM, I asked him what story I should write about.

"Silky."

And now I stop and pause to think...

Best Photo from the Surprise Birthday Party

Love you Jenn and Two-Sack for pulling this one off:

Sarah Palin Begins to Interview Potential Presidential Candidates to Run with in 2012

COLUMBUS (HJ) - Many guessed that Ex-Governor Sarah Palin would run in 2012, but all that was speculation until today. Sarah Palin announced this morning that she will begin her Vice Presidential run for the White House in 2012 by interviewing prospective Presidential running mates. Mrs. Palin stated in her press conference, “The American voting heroes are demanding new change and I plan to bring that new change as a person running for the position of Vice President. I am interviewing some of the best and brightest people that proud flag hanging over this great land of ours for the President job.”

In this daring move, Sarah Palin plans on running as Vice President and she wishes to do so with the best potential Presidential candidate possible. “Freedom loving Americans want freedom to love in America and I plan on being the vice candidate that stands next to the candidate that can do that thing.” She will personally interview and question each potential Presidential candidate.

While the list of potential running mates is a secret, we were given a peek at the interview questions when we dug through the trash dumpster of the hotel where the press conference took place. On the crumpled pages, some of the more serious questions included: “What is your foreign policy?” and “What role do you think you will have in my administration?” Other questions towards the bottom of the list were, “What newspapers do you read?” and “Who is your favorite G.I. Joe character? (If they say Destro they are pre-fired.”)

This is the first time in American history where a person has decided to run for Vice President and not first seek the office of the President. We attempted to ask Sarah Palin about this strategic move, but we had not sent this question 48 hours in advance to her Strategic Media Force, so we were unable to get an answer.

Choose Your Major

Albino Squirrel

Tether

I assume that this is not the correct way to do this:

National Prayer Day

Are you a douche?

Are you a douche? Let's find out!

Question 1: Were you at the My Morning Jacket show in Columbus, OH on May 2nd?

Question 2: Did you shove and push your way through the crowd twenty minutes into the show to get closer to the stage?

Question 3: When asked to move did you smugly turn around and laugh.

THEN YOU ARE A DOUCHE.

Congratulations!

Bonus points to the chick in the Ohio State University jacket that literally shoved the fuckers sideways to help them move on.

(I highly suggest reading the comments below... Levi has a real good one.)

What happens inside a mobile document shredding truck?

My Top 10 (plus) Movies

I like movies. I have, as most of you do, a Top 10 list of favorite movies. The best part of a Top 10 List of Movies is making it and I had a lot of fun. Here they are:

HolyJuan's Top 10 Movies (In no particular order except #1)

Royal Tennenbaums
Fight Club
Princess Bride
Matrix
Die Hard
Big Fish
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Terminator 2
Aliens
12 Monkeys

While making the Top 10 List, I realized that there were too many good movies so I created a back-up list in case any of the original Top 10 fell out of favor. They are the Supplementary Top 10 List:

Gallipoli
Alien
Blade Runner
Leon
Brazil
Time Bandits
Vision Quest
Adventures of Baron Muncheusen
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
The Terminator

While creating the Top 10 and Top 10: The Sequel list, I also started creating the WORST FUCKING MOVIES EVER. They are in no particular order except that they all suck balls:

Matrix 2
Matrix 3
Highlander 2
Indiana Jones 4
The Postman
Battlefield Earth
Batman and Robin
Indiana Jones 5
Indiana Jones 6
Indiana Jones 8

(I assume Indiana Jones 7 will actually be good after Lucas dies from having a pile of money fall on him before he can fuck up the script.)

Ten things not to say to your IT guy

I'm not an IT person (you know, the desktop support guy, system admin or the computer dude,) but I have hired them, had them fix my mistakes and had them look dumbfounded at me on several occasions. From my experience, and what I've gleaned from our terse interactions, I've put together this list of things you should not say to them.

1.You're a chick?
Just from the title of this list alone, I'm in deep shit. Not all IT people are guys. When an IT chick shows up, don't mention it because she's heard it hundreds of times already. Just let her fix your mistakes and please don't ask her if she is into Manga.

2. I think I fixed it.
IT people don't care that you fucked something up. It's bound to happen. What they don't like is when you attempt to fix it after you tell them there is a problem. Especially if it is hardware related and they've dragged their ass all the way to your desk. Just pretend like you didn't fix it and ask them if they are with the Alliance or for the Horde.

3. Are you with the Alliance or for the Horde?
It's not the assumption that a computer person might play a MMORPG. They probably do. The issue here is that you are pretending that you care enough to know and to take that first step into their imaginary world. Unless you are willing to discuss the newest patch or the most recent guild politics, you should just keep your yap shut. Besides, they probably play Guild Wars.

4. So, is this all you do all day?
Bad question. This oozes with the assumption that they don't do anything all day. And sadly, the real question should be, "What don't you do all day," and the answer to that is "I don't get important stuff done because I'm spending my time re-installing Windows on your computer for the third time."

5. Can I bring my lap top in from home?
No.

6. Would you like to go on a date?
Office relationships never work out. It screws up your and your co-worker's production. When you inter-office date an IT person, it throws off the whole business. IT people need to be surly to get their jobs done. If they are happy, I'm not sure what would happen to the network. The only case of when dating the IT person will work is if you dump them and completely break their heart. Then the company is secure for months as they brood and work for 18 hours a day. If you only half break their heart, you are in "Say Anything" territory and nothing is creepier than an IT guy standing in your driveway with a laptop over his head playing an MP3 of "In Your Eyes."

7. Don't you think case mods are gay?
They are gay, but IT people need a creative outlet. Just say that you saw an interesting case that was a 1:73 scale model of the Farscape, Peacekeeper Pantak Class Vigilante.
When they stare at you for a moment and don't say anything, hold up this list and they will understand.

8. Bet you've seen some great photos and videos while digging through people's computers.
Yes they have, but not because they were nosing around like you are suggesting. Having a 120GB movie slowing things up requires investigation. So does any collection of 1,500 photos with the words wife, anal, teen or spycam in the filename. So, yes, they are digging through your photos and videos, but dammit, it's for the good of the company.

9. Did you see the Matrix?
Of course, asshole. Everybody did.

10. Do you have a blog?
Yes, they have a blog. But it's probably a pretty well laid out, informative page instead of this cookie-cutter crap. They probably talk about everything but work, though they might bring up you on occasion and how you almost broke their heart and that their mood is sad and they are listening to the "Say Anything" soundtrack.

Fake Dispatch

Fake Dispatch is a semi-irregular posting of all the fake news that Twitter has to offer. If you are tired of the real news posting fake news, then come to the Fake Dispatch to get your fill of the fake news posting fake news. I’m not going to lie to you: I’m going to lie to you.

If I send you a DM with "Thinking of you" in it, it means my Tweet was based on something you said.

If you are mentioned as a cub reporter, it is my way or RTing something you said.

I should have badges for this, but I don't.  I am pretty lazy.


Follow me at @Fake_Dispatch on Twitter!

@Fake_Dispatch… pissing off mostly everyone, one fake headline at a time.

You can contact me at FakeDispatch@gmail.com. I do not have a lawyer so you cannot sue me.

(@Fake_Dispatch is HolyJuan and HolyJuan is unapologetic.)

A page from Bush's memoir "Decision Points"

How to Write an Obituary for a Child

While I am usually irreverent, rude and cynical, I think I can help in putting together words that celebrate a child's life. I assume you are a parent writing this, but it could also be a relative or a close friend. I will keep it open for all. I don’t really know how to write an obituary, let alone how to write one for a child that has passed. But I know what I would write and how I would share the passing of a child.

A child’s death means so little time on Earth. Talk about the time you had with the child. A day. A month. A year. Two. Five. Ten years. About how the child made you smile or laugh. That time was too short, but family and friends should reflect about the loved ones in their life and make sure you let them know that you care for them.

A child’s death is about the loss of potential. That child had so much to live for and so many things they were going to do. Tell others they should take that unused potential to heart. They should think about what they have not done with their life and live it in the memory of the child. Do one thing and silently donate it to the memory of the child.

Talk about how the child looked. When they moved and jumped or picked flowers or looked out a window or looked you in the eyes. But especially how they were so peaceful as they slept. That nothing could touch them. Keep that memory of peace in your mind. Make sure they keep one of those memories alive.

And lastly, let people know that you will be thinking of the child every day for the rest of your life and that it would do nothing but make you happy if they mentioned the child from time to time. They are sad for you and do not want to hurt you. Explain that by sharing memories that you keep the child’s spirit alive.

So here is my example in which I will write about a fictitious child named Clayton.

Clayton passed on March 1, 20XX at the all too young age of four. We miss him greatly and our hearts are broken. Four years was not enough time for Clayton to share all the love in his heart. While his time was short, yours is still on going. Recognize this and share your love with others. Clayton had so many things he was going to accomplish. Every day he wanted to follow his sister to school. He could not wait to go and learn. Take part of Clayton’s potential with you and do something for him whether it be something small or something AMAZING. Do something for Clayton. In my mind I see Clayton digging in the sandbox and looking up every so often to see if I was looking at him. And then he would smile. I want you to remember him like this. Curious and aware. Smiling. There will never be a day that goes by that I do not think of my son. If you see me, sharing a memory will only help to remind me that Clayton’s memory lives on. Don’t be afraid to mention that you are thinking of Clayton, too. He had that effect on everyone. We miss you Clayton, with all our hearts, and you will never be forgotten.


I hope this helps.

Here is a link to some other stuff that people find important:
http://www.ehow.com/how_2120526_write-obituary-child.html

New and Improved... Egg?

This kind of weirds me out a bit. First off, it worries me when something like chicken eggs that have been around for a few thousand years are all of a sudden, "NEW!"


I also wonder what they are feeding the chickens to get them to produce eggs that have 5x as much Vitamin D. I assume that it is healthy, organic mushrooms which are naturally high in Vitamin D. Or they could be feeding them chicken which is also high in Vitamin D. I think I've got it:



The farmer takes five chickens and puts them in a pen. Over time, the chickens battle it out and eat each other. Once there is only one chicken left, it means that it has eaten all the other chickens (or chicken that ate the other chickens) and thus will have 5x the amount of Vitamin D in its system.

I like it. It's kind of like the Highlander of eggs. There can be only one.

God and Scientific Method

Nom

I am sad because one of the happiest things on the internet has stolen something from me.

Nom. You’ve read it, seen it in cartoons and on posters of cute animals eating. Usually it’s repeated a few times: nom nom nom nom.


(photo via lolpix.com)

You can’t throw an everything bagel on Twitter without hitting it two or three times.



But for years, Nom has meant something else to me and what seems like too few others.

In Stephen R Donaldson’s book “The One Tree,” a creature called a sandgorgon is introduced. Sandgorgons are creatures of unending rage. They are built for destruction and are fueled by eons of frenzied anger. Trapped in mystic, desert prison, sandgorgons can only be released from their confinement if they are summoned by someone calling their name. Once summoned, they must kill the person who said their name. This is witnessed when a warrior character is forced to say the name of a sandgorgon and then is pummeled to death. Once the summoner is killed, the sandgorgon is pulled back into its prison.

Later, in a move most tremendous, the main character who is stuck in a prison cell deep in the heart of a fortress, summons a sandgorgon with the name he heard earlier. The sandgorgon batters his way through the walls to confront the one who summoned him. A battle rages and our hero, using wild magic, is able to defeat the sandgorgon without killing him. The sandgorgon realizes that he is now free and bows to our hero with respect.

This sandgorgon’s name is Nom.

When the hero Thomas Covenant said that name, I got chills. It was so unexpected and brilliant. And now... it's been wasted. Nom nom nom.

The only good feeling I get when seeing people say “nom nom nom” is thinking about them being pulverized to squishy muck by a raging creature that disappears back into the nothing once the deed is done.

Delicious Urinal Mat

We recently got new urinal mats in the men's bathrooms at work. For the ladies who are unaware, urinal mats are flat, little plastic mats that sit in the bottom of the urinal to help prevent splashing, both from the flushing water and from guys with high pressure. I assume they also help to keep half eaten sub sandwiches and cigarettes from being flushed down as well. Sometimes there are urinal cakes that sit atop the mats. They help to hide the smell of asparagus and 6 hour old, processed beer.

Our company upped the ante recently and invested in urinal mats that are embedded with some kind of addictive, sweet smelling perfume. I actually really like this smell. I find myself going pee 8 - 10 times more a day than normal so that I can spend a few intoxicating minutes with this smell.

On top of it all, the urinal mat has a very pretty orange transparent color to it. I almost feel sad peeing on top of it. It almost looks and smells... edible. That's right. EDIBLE.

I assumed that everyone else in the office felt the same about the urinal mat, so I decided to post a warning to keep everyone from attempting to take a bite out of the mat.

THE URINAL


THE DELICIOUS LOOKING MAT


THE WARNING

Sadly, my warning failed. Here is a photo of the mat from this morning:


I hope they put the poison control number on speed dial before diving in.

A Chat Between Smiley and HolyJuan

My buddy Dave and I both use a program called Steam to access games on our PCs. Part of the Steam program is an instant messaging service so that you can coordinate setting up a game or chat in game.

Dave (SMILEY) was on-line and saw that I (HOLYJUAN) had Steam up and running this morning, so he decided to chat with me. The following exchange is our conversation:

SMILEY: Yo friend!
HOLYJUAN: FUCK OFF LOSER
SMILEY: Sorry I've been MIA -everythings coming to a head with school... will be
done in 2 weeks, but in theory, I'll also have time during the day to
work
SMILEY: going out tonight, but will play later
HOLYJUAN: bull
SMILEY: BTw, love the wolf's blood in the Palin article
HOLYJUAN: sweet noe seriously get away from me
SMILEY: Greg? Get off your Dad's computer
HOLYJUAN: who the fuck do u think ur talking to... im no greg
SMILEY: Annie?
SMILEY: There was one thing missing from your Palin Rider article...
SMILEY: ANAL SEX
HOLYJUAN: im sorry but i think the doug ur looking for left my house
about a week ago
SMILEY: was that some kind of brainwashing retreat when you went to Georgia?
HOLYJUAN: i dont know what ur talking about but im his nephew and i
live in Georgia and he is no longer her
SMILEY: Please log off of his account. Sorry to bother you.

Once I got his e-mail detailing this conversation, I got into Steam and changed my password. I had logged into Steam while I was in Georgia a week ago and neglected to erase my login.

The ANAL SEX bit is a joke between Dave and I. We try to drop it into conversations when the other one isn't expecting it. Really. We're not gay.

A Trade for Idiocracy

My friends have been raving about the movie Idiocracy for years and yet I have not taken the effort to acquire it.

Erik from Erik Eats suggested I trade something for it.

If you have the movie and would like to trade me for it, let me know what you would want in trade. I will not trade for cash, but I do have some old coins!

Here are some things I have that you might be interested in trading:
DVDs
Books
A large chuck of Galena
Original HolyJuan cartoons that can be signed by the author or I can write a famous person’s name on it
Or I can let you be a guest writer or write something for you

If you are in Columbus, we can arrange a swap. Otherwise we can arrange shipping. If you live in Las Vegas, I'll come pick it up.

Let me know in the comments or at holyjuan@gmail.com.

A Page from Sarah Palin's Rider

Sarah Palin's top secret rider was recently found in a trash can outside of California State University Stanislaus. A rider is part of a contract that specifies all the demands of a client. Here is a page from that rider:

Productivity

After being gone for a week, I found this little diagram in our work area:


I could be wrong, but what I think this chart is explaining is that the more that I am around, the more productivity increases... right?

Switcheroo Name

Here is how you play the game: switch the first letters of your first and last name (for me it would be Joly Haun.) The new name will fall into one of the five categories:

1. No Change
Sadly, the first letters of your first and last name are the same. No fun. Sorry Kris Kristofferson.

2. Foreign Exchange Student
Remember that kid in high school that smelled like cheese and was always staring at you? Don't be sad, there will always be the other foreign exchange student for you to take to the prom. This means you Lia Eastep and Josh Kessler.

3. Porn Star
While a very small percentage of the population falls into this category, you have made it big. Good job, Rick Dodsworth!

4. Nemesis of Conan the Barbarian
Sometimes your Switcheroo Name just sounds evil. An evil person that would want to kill Cimmerians with guttural sounds that could only be pronounced by Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. I’m looking at you Greg Allender and Stephanie Kuwasaki.

5. Norse God
Your regular name is boring, but your Switcheroo Name is GODLIKE! Usually you throw a couple of vowels in the first name and you will be messing in the matters of men and lying around eating manna. This means you John Acton.

Greg and the Sitting Missile

Found this while cleaning up some folders. Still funny today.

Sad Easter Bunny is Sad

Don't be sad Easter Bunny! Jesus is going to come back real soon! You'll see!

Photo courtesy of Meshell.

Yay! Pollen!

We went to Georgia to visit our relatives this past week. Great time! Our van got a heavy coating of Georgia's famous tree sperm. Our van is usually blue, but in this photo it has a beautiful yellow-green iridescence.


This might look like snow, but it a photo of all the dust falling from the trees.


It seems other guests to the state had a similar mindset as us.

E.T. in a lava lamp

We fired up Greg's lava lamp before bed and this emerged. It looks a lot alike an E.T. preserved in a jar:

With flash.

Without flash.

What is the rabbit measuring?

This scan is from Rosemary Wells' "Timothy Goes to School."


My son asked me, "What is the rabbit measuring?" I said, "Um, the table leg." He said, "The ruler is not straight." I just kept reading.

Reverse Psychology

Please DO NOT comment on this post about reverse psychology.

Thank you.

Just prop her up for the photo, then we can bury her

We order packing supplies from Uline. They are a good company and if you order enough, they give you free crap that you would never buy on your own, but since it's free it's AWESOME. I was looking through the most recent catalog when I came across this photo and thought to myself, "That woman is dead and they are propping her up for the photo." You be the judge:


I assume that she died a hour or so before the photo and the company knew that they needed more than one woman in the photo, so they kept her around long enough to get a few shots.

Good news is, Uline carries coffin sized crates!

Shower Curtain Practical Joke (NSFW)

(CAUTION: This post is not safe for work, small children and most of the Middle East.)

Kim and Shorty held their mostly annual Christmas party this year and John decided to liven up the event via a shower curtain he purchased on the internet.

He originally meant to buy the (you don't want to click on this link)FISTING SHOWER CURTAIN, but it was probably so wildly popular that it was sold out and he instead got the SMDB curtain.

John was giddy when he and Bekah arrived at the party. They sneaked up to the guest bathroom and were relieved when the guest bathroom shower curtain hooks would work with their gift. They hung it up and the upstairs was immediatley filled with a stinky, chemical vinyl smell. Or it was a scratch and sniff curtain.

Here is the curtain installed:


Miss Sally and Lynne enjoying the curtain:

I never noticed it before, but the black shirts make it look like Miss Sally and Lynne are groping each other!

It took about two hours for Kim and Shorty to figure out the curtain was up. I assume they kept it up for a few months becuase they enjoyed it so much.

Automobile Driving Pledge

Read this pledge. Agree to it by signing your name in the comments. Print out the Driving Pledge Membership Card. If you get pulled over, it won’t help you get out of a ticket, but it will give the officer a good laugh.

1. I pledge to follow all the driving laws of my state. When I am in your state, I’ll try to follow those, too.

2. I pledge not to drive like a douche, except in such situations that would conflict with Pledge 1.

3. I pledge to only be in the passing lane to pass a slower moving vehicle and that I will pass said slower vehicle at up to 33% over the speed limit so that I don’t slow down the people behind me. I also realize and accept that this violates Pledge 1.

4. I pledge to only break Pledge 1 when following Pledge 3 or Pledge 5.

5. I pledge to follow all these pledges, except for Pledge 4 when it conflicts with this one.

Did you see how Discovery Channel will pay for Palin's new show?

My Guess - Opera Mini

I tired to guess December 31, 2999 at 23:59:59 but it defaulted to January 19th, 2039 3:14:07. I wonder why that date is special.

Rejected

Sadly, GQ rejected me in 2009 for their next year's calendar. They finally sent my photo back:

It took me about half an hour to get down from there.

Math Problem is a Problem

Can anyone help me with this 1st grade level math problem?

How Long is Your Finger?

My co-worker, Levi, decided to not deal with the hassle of carrying around a 3 inch ruler, so he had one tattooed on his finger. I'm sure it is a great idea, but now in Levi's language there are only things that are less than 3" and more than 3".

Eating an Eagle

A man is brought before the judge. He was found by park rangers, in the middle of the forest, eating a bald eagle. The judge said, "Before I lock you up, I'll give you a chance to explain yourself."

The man fell to his knees on the floor. "Your honor! I had been lost in the woods for days. I was starving to death when I came upon an already dead eagle! I ate it to survive!

The judge believed the man and let him off. He called the man to the bench and whispered to him, "So I've always wondered... what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

The man thought and then answered, "Like a cross between a Passenger Pigeon and a Tasmanian Tiger."

Census Letter

Did you get the Census letter about the pamphlet about the postcard?

Getting it out of the way

Normally, my 1st grader has one word family word each week (words with the same ending like big, rig and dig.) This week he had two. I'm starting to think the teacher is trying to wrap it all up in one week.

Next week's word families: _hit and _unt.

Jobs for Recently Kicked Out of Iraq Blackwater Workers

Blackwater is in deep water. A number of months ago, Iraq denied the protection services company a renewal of their operating license. This left hundreds of highly trained protection services people angry and bored. The last thing anyone wants is for three or four Blackwater guys to wake up in the morning and say, “What do you want to do today?”

To assist Blackwater employees with their job search, I have come up with a couple ideas for jobs that they could take on that would utilize their kills.

Department of Motor Vehicles
Your first thought might be, “I didn’t think the DMV could get any worse,” but my reasoning is, “How come we didn’t do this years ago!” The number one problem in any DMV is that unprepared or rude customers can give the workers as much shit as they want. The workers at the DMV have been beaten down by life and instead of fighting back, they find some passive-aggressive way of “losing” your paperwork or rubbing Vaseline on the eye test machine. This all leads to people waiting longer in line. If Blackwater ran the DMV, there would be none of those shenanigans. Customers would walk in the DMV through a metal detector and be interrogated as to why they were there. Anyone with the incorrect paperwork would be turned away so that they do not waste the time of everyone in line behind them. You wouldn’t have to wait to get your photograph taken for your license because the sniper in the corner surveillance tower would have gotten 8 – 10 headshots of you thorough his scoped camera.

Oh yeah… and don’t try to ditch. BOOM.

Moving Company/Bank Asset Protection
We are all aware that mortgage loan companies are contracting with Blackwater Worldwide to assist in the eviction of people still living in foreclosed homes. Besides moving people out, Blackwater could be helpful in convincing people caught up in underwater mortgages to pay up. Blackwater would set up a base camp in the yard and monitor the homes to ensure that monies for mortgages are not being spent on unnecessary luxury items like cable, clothes, food and trips to the doctor. Blackwater escorts can ensure you get to your job, plus the two additional part time jobs, on a daily basis with a trip to the ATM at the end of the day to withdraw that day’s payment.

Toll Booth Operators
Get in line. Pay the toll. Move on. Don’t fuck around. Don’t ask for change. Anyone asking for directions or if they “left their wallet at home” would be pulled off to the side and taken care of.

Used Car Sales
With all the empty cars that Blackwater would harvest from toll booth operation, they would have the perfect set up to open a used car lot. What is wonderful about Blackwater running a car lot is that they can pretty much guarantee that you’ll be leaving the lot that day with a car. No more wasted time with people “just looking” or “price comparing.” When you come on the lot, Blackwater will know about it a few days before hand with their connections with the nationwide surveillance program. They will know what car you might be looking and why you need a car and that you are having marriage problems. Do not insult the Blackwater salesperson by asking for a test drive or you will be taken for a long ride on a short road. While the car they offer you might not be what you are looking for, it will come with armored paneling and bullet resistant glass. Each car will also come with bottle of cleaner that is great for removing protein based stains and you can keep the complimentary shell casings on the floor.

Dating Service
Beyond already knowing what you are doing via surveillance, Blackwater can be very helpful in explaining to you what kind of person you might fall in love with. As a matter of fact, they will guarantee a marriage with the first person you are matched with! Blackwater would take your name from List A and then match it with the first person in List B. That is your perfect match. Blackwater would set up the first date and their Chaperone Squad would see to it that you make it to List B person’s house on time, to the restaurant, the jewelry store and then to the Justice’s of the Peace office followed up by a fully transcribed and videotaped consummation of the marriage.

Best Buy Employees
COMPLETED – Store employees replaced with Blackwater Contractors in June of 2008.

What up, Stu!

Of all people, I ran into Stu at Circus during the Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos show. Time has been good to him, but obviously his vision is the only thing that has changed.

Margot and the Nuclear So and Sos in Columbus, OH March 2010

Margot came into Columbus on Thursday and I was happy. I bought two tickets and conned Dustin into going. We met at Skully's for pre-concert drinks and walked down to Circus around 9:00pm.

When we walked into Circus, I thought that a group of Amish carpenters had been hired to build a stage, but it turned out that it was the opening band.


It was hard to tell where the band ended and the crowd began as many of the members poured off the stage and stood in front. Interestingly enough, Erik Kang of Margot was one of the band members off the stage.

The band turned out to be Super Desserts and they have a very interesting sound. I loved the female vocals and the strings blended quite nicely.

I suggest you check out this video of their song Funeral. As a future commenter will post, it will have you "at work today humming "Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba" all day.

The second band was Dolson. I was taken aback by their set. When I was doing some pre-concert research, I went to their MySpace page and listened to a few of their songs. They sounded pretty mellow. I can dig mellow. But when they came out, they rocked.

It was a pleasant surprise, as I wanted to wait until the main act to weep. Check out their site and give them a listen, but I highly recommend catching them live.

The next group up was the Four Douchebags. Not a musical group, but rather four fucks in leather jackets. The photos speak for themselves.


Luckily they moved on before Margot got on stage.

Margot rolled on stage and something was amiss. I noticed that Emily Watkins' carved keyboard was not on stage. My initial thought was that it was in the shop and this taped together hunk of junk was the loaner. No problem. Until the anti-Emily Watkins sat down behind the board and began to play.

Also missing was the un-missable Casey Tennis. I was sad. I secretly hoped they had bad sushi earlier in the day, but a fan standing next to us said that four of the original members had left the band.

Crap. It's sad because the show rocked. Richard Edwards is an excellent musician and I dig his lyrics and I love his music, but the guy oozes prick. No, his prick doesn't ooze; I can just tell that they guy is probably pretty hard to get a long with. He seems like he knows what his music is and that you should not try and tell him otherwise.


Other band members literally take a back seat to Edwards.

I will continue to follow Margot where ever Richard takes them. And now I'm left wondering what Emily is up to and what barbed wire stuffed animals Casey is sticking in his pants.

BONUS PHOTOS:

Dustin uses his iPhone to figure out what Britney Spears song was playing in between sets.

The Fourth Douchebag cannot afford a leather jacket.

Cryptic words on Edwards' guitar.

I assume the gaffers tape was covering up something.

HolyJuan and Dustin. The average of our ages was the second oldest person at this show.