Hormel Pepperoni: Hot & Spicy & Smaller by Almost Half.

I love pepperoni. I usually buy Hormel, even though it can be a little more expensive. Last shopping trip, I bought 2/$6.00. In an attempt to spice things up, I purchased the Hot & Spicy flavor. From the photo below, you can see the packages are exactly the same except for where I had torn the top off the Hot & Spicy variety.

Once I got in the bag, I immediately noticed that something was not right. The bag seemed half empty. I looked at the size on the bag:

5oz (note the easy to read black on red)

I pulled the other bag out and looked at it:

8oz!

I was getting screwed out of 3oz because of flavoring? It's a different between $.60 and ounce and $.38 an ounce. I just don't get it. It would be like getting charged double for Salt and Vinegar potato chips over regular potato chips just because it is a different flavor.

The packaging is completely misleading. It's exactly the same size! I will not make the same mistake next time.

Shame on you Hormel!

Local Teacher Admonished for Crucifix in Classroom

Columbus OH (HJ) – Cassandra Schwartzinski, a second grade teacher at Elm Elementary in Worthington, Ohio, was given a formal reprimand for going against school district’s policy of displaying religious items in the class room. Schwartzinski claims that the cross had been hanging on the wall for years and no one made any comment about it.


School officials declined to comment about Schwartzinski’s recent conversion of all the classroom seats into pews or her math teachings by adding and subtracting the Ten Commandments.







photo credit: perspicacious from www.flickr.com

For Gaston

I would like to take a moment to say goodbye to Gaston.

Gaston and I are on opposite ends of the political system.

Gaston and I have different opinions about social issues.

Gaston and I have different opinions about economic issues.

Gaston and I have very little in common.

But yet, Gaston and I are friends and I think we forgive each other for our beliefs.

I will miss you, friend.

Good luck.

(Your wife is HOT!)

Raw Food Diet

(A snippet from a much larger story)

Back in 2001, when Allen and I were out in LA recording the audio for the Big Yummy, we got to know an audio engineer who was also a testicular cancer survivor. They guy swore that part of his health regimen was a raw diet. My engineering friend would sit at the board and eat 10 -12 small meals a day. It was uncooked stuff, pureed in a Cuisinart and stored in small Tupperware containers. He’d pull a container out of the refrigerator, open the lid, lick the lid, and either drink or spoon the contents into his mouth, somehow avoiding getting any in his scraggly beard. The uncooked paste was usually green or orange, but I saw a red one and hoped it was not blood.

On one occasion, he did have some solid food that looked red like beets. They were cubed and he popped them in his mouth like chocolates. I accused, “Hey, aren’t beets cooked and processed? You are cheating.”

And he followed up with, “No, this is beef.”

“Raw meat?”

“Yeah! I get it from a butcher that I trust. It’s delicious. Would you like to try some?”

I held back a weirded out spasm and I replied, “No thanks. Do you eat raw chicken?”

“No. That’s gross.”

Well, at least we got that all figured out. Another bit of information he shared was that the food he ate was so raw and easily digestible and absorbed by his body, that he rarely had bowel movements. That’s right. No poop. And then I started to think about how a once a month poop would look... like a small, really black, deflated balloon.

Ask HolyJuan -How do I get out of the Republican Party

Hello Holy Juan
Can you help me quit the republican party?
I want to get out but don't know how or where to.
Thank you
Lewis from California
Best regards

Dear Lewis from California,

You are fucked.

Signed,
HolyJuan

PS OK, so once you finished getting fucked, here is what you do:

There is only one way out of the Republican Party. And no, it’s not out the back door, because they have classes for that condition that will have your men’s restroom, foot tapping shenanigans corrected immediately and next thing you know you’ll have a trophy wife in once hand and a prepared speech in the other.

You must go Beck. Go uber Beck. Beyond Beck. I need you to go Beck Beck.

I need you to start cutting people off in mid-speech and tell them that all sentences should contain a noun, a verb and a Reagan.

I want you to buy shoes made of raw seal meat.

I need you to start calling Palin a Commie bastard.

I need you to buy two copies of the Audio Bible on iTunes, just so that you can listen to them simultaneously and pretend God is speaking to you from a baseball stadium.

I need you to buy 25 karat gold because 99.9% pure 24 karat gold ain’t pure enough and could contain .1% fascist. (Beck can help you find someone to sell you gold.)

I need you to buy six tons of emergency rations and a generator that runs on the tears of men that cry for the loss of our freedoms.

I need you to dig up a founding father and have man sex with his maggoty mouth parts so that the worms that ate his flesh become part of yours.

I need you to buy a chalkboard. But a chalkboard with spell check.

And what you will find is that slowly… slowly… all the Republicans will come to you. They know a leader when they see one. They don’t just blindly follow anyone. You will be their God!

Then you will be the Lewis Party. And your minions will cry your name and gouge their eyes out.

With no more Republicans in the Republican party, the party will dissolve. And you will no longer be a Republican.

“And even my mother of whose flesh bore me will find the tip of the Sword at her throat with my boot on her chest if ever she speaks against ME.” – Lewis, founder of the Lewis Party

Creationists Find Missing Link; Declare Evolution Extinct

HOUSTON TX (HJ) - For years, Scientific Evolutionists and Religious Creationists have battled over whose theory/story is correct about where all living creatures on Earth came from. The scientists point to theory, fossilized evidence and actual living species that are evolving right before our eyes. The Creationists point to the Bible and the missing link.

But today the Creationists announced their solution to the whole debate. Earlier this afternoon, Texan Creationist, Mark Thomas James Ruddard announced what the Creationists finally came up with. Here is the text of his speech:

“As you know, we have fought for years and years over the basis for life on Earth. While the non-believers dug into our Earth’s 4000 year old dirt looking for bones, we looked to the heavens. While the heathens tried to say the earth was billions of years old, we looked at the fossilized remains of dinosaur feet next to human feet. The only thing these laugh-a-billies could come up with is a theory that we all started as apes and then just got the idea to all of a sudden to make airplanes and talk on phones. (Laughter) I am here to say that our scholars have figured it out. And answer to all the questions…

“In the days when Jesus rode dinosaurs, not all men were as pious and good as our Christ. In fact, these men, which we would consider today as being Stone Age Hippies, would sometimes engage in acts of lewdness with the dinosaurs. Of this unforgivable mating, a unfathomable creature emerged. The creature that your “Scientists” call Neanderthal. This creature was not of God and was shunned. Then, this Child of Hippies would have more relations with dinosaurs and those children are the apes and moneys of the world today. We also believe that the Cave Hippies spread a Stone Age type AIDS around which killed off all the dinosaurs. The end.”

Court Ordered Free WiFi to Squatter

COLUMBUS (HJ) - Abe Strawn of Columbus, Ohio thought that he was doing his neighbors a favor. Soon after he had high speed cable internet installed, he set up a wireless router and named it FREEWIFI. For the computer savvy, a wifi connection means a free connection to the internet. He kept this up for about nine months until he had his credit card compromised. “The credit card company suggested I look for ways to protect myself. One of those ways was to shut off my open wi-fi. So I did.”

That’s when his other problems started. A day later, there was a knock on his door. One of his neighbors came to ask him about the wi-fi. Abe said that most of the neighbors knew he had the free internet connection. When Mr. Strawn explained the situation, the neighbor took offense and became upset. Mr. Strawn explained, “I think the neighbor thought I was accusing him of stealing the credit card number. I wasn’t. They tracked it down to a local restaurant. But as he raged on, he just seemed pissed about the internet being disconnected.”

A week later, Abe received an order of specific performance from the Franklin County Court. The order said that he was to immediately open up his internet connection to the neighbors. When Mr. Strawn did not re-open the wifi connection within a week, he got a visit from two police officers. “When they showed up, they thought I was stealing cable. I showed them the order and explained what it was and they thought it was completely stupid. “ The police officers left without tazing anyone.

As it turns out, Ohio allows for wifi squatters to claim rights to a broadcast connection if it has been given out for free for over six months. Once a half-year has passed, there is an assumed right to internet access and the wifi provider must file for a release of service a month in advance to halt the connection.

Mr. Strawn has filed to be released, but in the meantime, he is required to continue sharing his internet connection. When he complained about security, he was told that he had to offer password access to the encrypted connection. “That’s where I got back at the only neighbor that asked for the connection. I made the connection WHOSUCKSCOCK and his password is MYMOMDOES. He has to type that in each time.”

Palin Plans Pregnancy for 2012 Presidential Run

ANCHORAGE, AK (HJ) - Sources say that Sarah Palin has a major trick up her sleeve for her 2012 Presidential run, though the sleeve isn’t exactly where this trick is up. Insiders close to Palin say that not only is she going to run in the 2012 race for President, but that she will also plan a pregnancy to coincide with the race and to have pregnancy milestones occur during key points in the process.

Our sources have confirmed that the Palin 2012 team has come up with the following “no way can we lose this one” schedule:

Conception: December 31, 2011 (some kind of tax dodge)

Announcement of Pregnancy: January 15th, 2012 (right before the first Republican primary)

First Ultrasound (BONUS: revealing of “Jesus Face Shadow” in the image): February 6th (the day before Super Tuesday)

Revelation That Doctors Say She Should Abort for Health Reasons and She Says NO!: March 15th (The middle of the Primaries)

Sex of the Child Revealed… Surprise! It’s Twins: May 8th (the last of the Republican debates and final votes needed for Primary win)

Names of the Children Released: September 11th (Naming the boy Freedom Chief and the girl Tower1 Tower2)

Blurry Photo of Palin’s Distended Belly Released: September 24th (Day before 1st Presidential Debate- debate is called off because of media hype)

Birth of the Twins: October 14th (The day of the scheduled 2nd debate – debate is called off)

Three Weeks of Seclusion: October 15th though November 4th (During this time, Palin only responds to Twitter and FOX News interviews.)

First Appearance with Children in Public: November 5th (The day before the election. She announces that one child has a Brain Cloud and the other is African American.)

When we questioned how the Palin's Election Team would hit all these milestone on the date specified, the source only offered up that many of these would be planned in advance and that the necessary arrangements would be made to induce the results needed. When asked about the rigors of pregnancy and the campaign trail, the source laughed and explained that Palin would not actually be pregnant, but rather she would have a surrogate carry the children and she would wear the appropriate costume to fake pregnancy. We questioned if Palin could actually pull off faking a pregnancy and the source smiled and said, “Yeah, she’s pretty good at it.”

PHOTO BY: Therealbs2002

Jesus Accidentally Reveals that the World is Round

GALILEE (HJ) - Jesus accidentally let it slip to the apostles that the world was round today during an informal breakfast. The crew had spent in the night in Samaria in preparation for a speaking engagement later that next day. Jesus was really hitting home the message of telling people about God by “spreading the Word of his Father around the globe.” Matthew spoke up and corrected Jesus by suggesting, “Don’t you mean the edges of the earth, your holiness?” “Excuse me?” Jesus asked quietly. Lebbaeus followed up with, “You said ‘around’ and ‘globe’ as if the Earth wasn’t flat.” Jesus raged, “Of course I meant the edges of the earth. I’m the fucking Son of God who is all-knowing. I meant around the flat globe.”

An unknown source close to Jesus believes that the Son of God knows a lot more than he is letting out, but that the encumbrance of knowing the whole story would crumple the minds of his followers. “Jesus once mentioned that Herod’s policies were pre-Cambrian. We assume that all this will be revealed to us at the proper time.” (Editor’s Note: This source was paid in silver for his account.)

After breaking their fast and gathering up the white wine and red dye packs, James was overheard speaking to Nathanial, “The earth is round? Surely he doesn't expect us to take such a preposterous concept on faith alone, does HE?!"

During the trip to the next gig, Jesus apologized and said the stresses of the upcoming crucifixion and three day confinement in the dark tomb were wearing on him. “If we don’t nail this finale, Dad’s gonna be pissed.” He held up two fingers, “Without me, it’ll just be Jews and Muslims and they could form a long lasting peace.” He held up the third, “A third branch will ensure millennia of strife and endless worship.”

At the speaking engagement, while the team prepared the false bottom baskets, James, son of Zebedee, questioned his brother John about the slip. John let it slide and said, “Everyone knows the world is flat. You know Jesus. He’s got a lot on his mind.”

Tiger Woods Apology Speech (revised)

Good morning and thank you for joining me. I have a few things I would like to say:

I am rich. Filthy, stinking rich. When I take a shit, interest rates change. I am rich.

I am a man. Men have penises. We like to stick them in women as much as possible. I am a man.

I am famous. No one on Earth doesn’t know who I am. Most people want to be like me. I am famous.

Because of these things, I want to and can fuck anyone I want, at any time I want. I fucked some girl ten minutes ago in the hallway and might again on the way out. I will continue to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want. I do not care what you think. If you came here looking for me to apologize for something, forget it. I will never apologize for desiring women, dating women, fucking women and then paying women large sum of money to keep them quiet. Mostly quiet.

Yes, I am married and I made a commitment to my wife. But I am too rich, too famous and too manly to be contained by one woman. My wife now understands this. I realize that this may have upset my wife, so to compensate, we have a swear jar at home that we have converted to an infidelity jar. Every time I bang some hot woman, I put a quarter million in the jar. Currently the jar has a GDP greater than Finland and I am expecting it will continue to grow.

To sum up: rich, man, famous, fuck, GDP, no apologies.

Thank you and good day.

The Working Broken Furnace

Last winter we went up to Grandma Susie’s for a visit. Upon walking in we noted that the temperature in the house was about 64 degrees. We casually mentioned this and Susie was at her wit’s end. She had the furnace guy out two times already and every time he arrived he'd go down stairs, come back up and report that the furnace was working fine. But as soon as he left, the furnace would stop working. I immediately went down stairs and the furnace was working. I went back up and reported this to Susie and she shook her head in disbelief. She claimed that she was cursed because when she went down the furnace would stop working. About ten minutes later I decided to go back down and see if it was still on. It was not. I toggled switches and checked the lines and reset the reset button. Nothing. Once again the furnace dude was called.

Being a guy, I went back downstairs several times before the furnace dude arrived to see if the system had kicked back on. It had not. When the furnace guy arrived, he said hello, went down stairs and came right back up. “The furnace is on.” I went down and checked… it was on.

The furnace dude left us with a business card with a psychiatrist’s phone number scribbled on the back.

Fifteen minutes later I was down in the basement looking at a furnace that wasn’t working.

We left a few hours later with the furnace still not working.

We heard back from Susie the next day. The furnace company was so sick of her calling that they sent out Furnace Dude Numero Uno to take a look at her situation. He showed up, went down stairs and the furnace was working. He then pulled up a chair and sat down in front of the furnace and waited for the tea kettle to start boiling.

And five minutes later it did. The furnace sputtered out. He could not get it to re-start.

Because this furnace dude was The Furnace Dude, he went back to Fire 101 which states that you need three things for fire: fuel, oxygen and ignition. Fuel and ignition were present and accounted for. He went to check on oxygen.

Jump back in time six months previous and Susie was having an issue with wasps on her patio. They had a nest in a pipe that was coming out of the house. She took out the nest with some Raid and removed the soggy remnants with a broom handle. To keep the wasps from returning, she put a stocking over the hole. And then she forgot about it.

Furnace Dude removed the stocking from the air intake and the furnace happily took a deep breath of air and ignited. After that it stayed on. Done and done.

But wait… what about the sporadic lighting? Why was the furnace always on when the original furnace guy or I were in the basement? As a clever boy, I realized that every time the front door was opened, it would allow for what ever vacuum had formed in the furnace’s guts to be released. As it was trying to suck air in from the blocked exterior pipe, it was also pulling in whatever surrounding air inside the house that it could. When the front door was opened, the resulting change in pressure allowed just enough air in for the furnace to ignite just long enough for the furnace dude to think Susie was just enough batshit crazy.

The moral of this story is nestled somewhere in between “experience requires patience” and “Susie is always right except in reguards to pest control,” but I don’t know where.

"Blue Laws" Anger Local Man, Plans to Ban Wednesday Services

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) - Bruce M. Targe of Hilliard, OH recently tried to buy some wine at his local Gas n’ Sip convenience store. “The wife and I were headed out of town to our cabin and we were stocking up for the week.” He was surprised to find that he could not buy wine on Sundays until 1:00pm due to Ohio’s “Blue Laws” that restrict alcohol sales because of antiquated religious standards.
Instead of complaining about it, Mr. Targe decided to take action. He is currently collecting signatures to put forth legislation on what he has christened, “Orange Laws.” In short, Orange Laws would restrict religious services on Wednesdays between 4:30pm and 11:59pm. Mr. Targe explains, “You talk to any religious person and they’ll say that Blue Laws are not that much of an inconvenience. Well, Wednesday night is my bowling night and the mega-church up the road has services at the same time. There’s traffic all up and down the road on the way there and coming back is just as bad when they let out.” By restricting church during that time with an “Orange Law,” Mr. Targe can free up his commute to bowling and show the religious what it is like to be inconvenienced.

So far Mr. Targe has collected about 278 signatures. He got the idea for Orange Laws for all those dads who were missing bowling night. He smirked, “Hey dads, “orange” you glad you don’t have to go to church?”

Upon hearing of the possible legislation, Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” stated that new “Orange Laws” are a serious issue. Pastor Phelps stated, “This is a serious issue. Our Church meets on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Pizza Night Day and Sunday. We do not think we could move our Wednesday service to Saturday as our congregation is usually churched out by then and needs a day of rest before we power though all day Sunday services.”

Pastor Phelps has started his own “Anti-Orange Laws” petition and has gathered 18 signatures. They plan to sell wine and cheese gift baskets to raise money for a continued campaign.

Facebook Gold Membership

Do you have a Facebook Gold Membership?

The process for getting one is pretty simple and soon your friends will be asking for details on how they can become Facebook Gold Members.

Take the photo above and save it to your computer. Upload it to your Facebook account. Make it your profile photo. Now add an Status Update that suggests, "I've just signed up for a Facebook Gold Membership! They have a "Dislike" button for Gold Members!"

Ta da! You are now a Gold Member.

When friends ask questions, use these replies:

"Status Update visible to Gold Account Members only."
"Gold Account beta update in progress. Please be patient!"
"Automatic Reply: This service unavailable for non-Gold members."

Even better, take that photo and make 20 copies and upload it as an album. Then start tagging your friends in random places in the photo. When they go to look at the photo, they will think they are missing out on something.

Special thanks to reddit.com!

(Holy shit... people are getting pissed off! Being exclusive is tough.)

How to get ink off my privates?

I thought I would ask the question for Todd P. of Alaska.


You can answer here.

Do the Hard Thing First

Dad always said, "Do the hard thing first." If you do that hard homework first, the rest will be cake. If you tackle the hard yard work first, it’s all down hill after that.

Today I didn’t and I am very happy that I did not.

When I brought the kids home last night, there was about 5” of snow in the driveway. I was able to get the van up and into the garage, but the Civic would have trouble getting up without issue. So I shoveled.

We got an additional 5” after I shoveled and the city plows did a great job both clearing the roads and piling up an 18” wall of snow at the end of my driveway.

Thinking about father’s words, I got the shovel and headed to the end of the driveway. After two shovelfuls, I realized that while this might not be an Augean stable effort, it was going to take a bit of time and energy. In lieu of getting my iPod, I went up to the garage and got out the radio. And while I was at the top of the driveway, I took the easy way out and started there where there was only newly fallen snow.

It took me about 30 minutes to get to the bottom of the driveway and I once again heard my father’s words. I was dreading the huge clumps of compacted ice and snow and now wished that I would have heeded…

Just then a Westerville city maintenance truck with a small plow on the front came up the street. I gave a friendly wave as he drove past with his plow in the air. He waved back and slowed down so that he could do a three point turn in the road. He lowered his plow and I moved back out of the way as he cleared the end of the drive. In ten seconds and two pushes, he was done.

Turns out I did do the hard thing first.

Thanks, dad.

Jesus' Shadow

Scams, Natural General Health Remedies, snake oil and other lies

Hello to all the folks out there looking for information on scams or “Natural General Health Remedies” or snake oil or mynaturalremediesnow or placebos or my natural remedies now.

You see, while nature holds many medical mysteries and secrets, it takes years of scientific research to determine if a substance is helpful to humans. Many products out on the market today work off peoples’ fears and hopes for a quick cure. These natural products or homeopathic cures are complete bunk. If you think a glass of water can hold the memory of some poison and then build up your resistance, then I have a bridge made of iocane powder I’d like to sell you.

Here is a list of words:
Natural General Health Remedies
Scam
Natural General Health Remedies
Snake oil
Natural General Health Remedies
Idiots
Natural General Health Remedies
Unhealthy

Thank you,

HolyJuan

Dave is coming back for a visit

Dave is coming back to Columbus for a visit and we will be at Skully's on the 18th. Come join us for fun and frivolity.



This is Dave and I in July of 2008. We snuck off to Detroit to go check out an exhibit and accidentally made it to a Detroit baseball game. We had a lot of fun that day. If I realized how much I would miss him I assume that we would have snuck off more often. Now it costs a few hundred bucks just to spend a day together, but seeing how it is him paying for it, it is totally worth it.

Come out and meet up with us if you get a chance. E-mail me for info: holyjuan@gmail.com.

Meshell is coming to town!

Yeah! Meshell is coming back into town!

She's way better than Dave!

I posted you first!

Someone is unhappy with Pete Colburn

(Author's note: The petecolburn.com website owner left some messages below in the comments. This was exactly as Ender had suggested!)

I keep an eye on my site traffic and I noticed there was a link coming into my site from www.petecolburn.info. I went to check out his site to see if Pete had anything interesting going on. When the link popped up, I thought I did something wrong, because instead of a new site popping up, my web site appeared. At the top of the page was www.petecolburn.info, but the page was my How To Steal Your Best Friend's Girlfriend article.

Screenshot of www.petecolburn.info

I immediately thought something fishy was going on, so I contacted my buddy Ender who knows a bit about computers. I asked him if he thought something malicious was going on or if this guy was stealing my content.

Here is his reply:

There's three pertinent details here:

1.) The domain in question points to your domain, but isn't a rigged scraping of your domain (ie, all the links actually point to HolyJuan.com)

2.) The domain is question is registered anonymously.

3.) The domain in question points towards only one of your articles, to wit, an article on stealing girlfriends.

I'm 99.9% certain that somebody's making a point to Mr. Pete Colburn of God-knows-where, USA. If I'm wrong, and they're trying to claim your content as theirs, they're incompetent.

So while we are not 100% sure, it sounds like a certain Mr. Pete Colburn might have stolen his buddy's girlfriend and said buddy is unhappy enough about it to buy a web site and stick me in the middle of it.

That should teach him. And me.

iTouch to iPad Upgrade Part 2

iTouch to iPad Upgrade

Guaranteed Worst Guarantee Ever

Behold! The ECObulb. With an AMAZING Guarantee.




The bulb is guaranteed to last UP TO seven years. So let me get this straight... if the bulb burns out on the first day, the guarantee is correct. If the bulb lasts seven years and one day, I'll get my money back?

Thanks for the tip, @soprasetta!

Motivational BS Seminar Spam is Good for Something

I'm not sure if you get these types of seminar spam in your mail box. I get one or two a week. Seminars that are held on a daily basis across the State of Ohio in the best Best Westerns they have to offer.

Over the holidays these damn things filled half of my mail box. So I, being the eco-friendly employee that I am, shoved them all in Josh's mailbox on top of his gathering pile of spam.

When Josh came back from the holidays, it took him a minute to realize that all that paper wasn't his. So he shoved them back in my box.

And then it was on.

We volleyed back and forth for a day or two, crumbling and folding and tearing the adverts. Some might observe, "Isn't the recycling bin right next to the mailboxes?" Yes it is and that's not the f*cking point.

A few days later I had two friends with nametags in my mailbox:

You will note who is on top and who is on bottom:

Upping the ante, I patiently awaited for new ammo to arrive. When it did, I took the mailings to the shredder, shredded them and stuffed the shreddings in his mailbox. I left some dangling out for effect. Josh caught on very quickly when he saw some of my accidental leavings by the shredder. Ever cut into confetti, those obnoxious mailings are easy to pick out from a distance.

A few days later, Josh inquired if I wanted to borrow a book that he had been reading. I accepted the book from across the cubicle. He noted that there were several sections that he had thought I might find interesting.

I did find them very interesting.

I knew I had to take it up a notch. There was a new unwritten rule that the Spaminar mailings could not just be stuck in the other's mailbox. It had to either be freely taken or deposited in the mailbox by other means.

So when more Spaminar mailings appeared in my box from the company, I took them and stuffed the mailings into an envelope.

On the front, I put a fictitious address in Lancaster, OH. I put Josh's name as the sender with a little note requesting return service.

I put a stamp on it and dropped it in the mailbox.

Days passed. I waited.

Then our Prodigal Post came home.


Here's' Josh after retrieving the mail.


That photo was taken right before Josh realized that I had actually sent the letter out and had the post office boomerang it. He thought I had just stuck it in an envelope and faked the front. Once he realize the length I went to, he was a bit more impressed.

Here's the front. I was sad there were not any "RETURN TO SENDER" stamps on this.


I can't wait to see what Josh comes up with next. I have one up my sleeve, but I need a refrigerator box. Let me know if you have one I can borrow.

Christmas with Allen and Lacey

Lacey was in town for the holidays and Caroline, Allen and I got together for a drink. Caroline wisely bailed before photographic evidence could be gathered.


Good times. Good times.

What I do at work

So, if you are wondering what I do at work, here is a glimpse into my workday via my desk:

Breast Milk Donation

Woo Hooooooo! Level 21 on Galaga!

Press 1 for Facebook idiocy

Gutter cleaning... weather permitting

I have gutters on my house that are almost out of reach of my current ladder. When I say almost, I mean that if I put my ladder up at a very steep angle and then stand on the sticker that says, “Do not stand on this rung,” I can reach way up high and get the tips of my fingers in the gutter. That being said, I do not try to clean my gutters anymore. My trees have easy access to my gutters and fill them with leafy goodness. Last year I had my gutters cleaned and the guy did not do a very good job. What he didn't leave strewn all over my yard, he left in the gutters. Two months later, ice filled my gutters and water backed up into my house.

This year I contacted a local guy (whom I shall refer to as GutterDude.) GutterDude seemed to have his shit together and I sent him an e-mail:

On Nov 28, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hello GutterDude,
Can you please let us know about getting a gutter cleaning quote for: (my address) Westerville, OH 43081

Thank you,
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Saturday, November 28, 2009 10:30 PM
To: Doug Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote

Doug,
The cost to clean your gutters will be $145.00. We are about a week out.
Thanks for your inquiring
GutterDude

--------------------------------------------------------------
On Nov 29, 2009, Doug wrote:
Hi GutterDude,
That sounds reasonable. Does this include cleaning up any of the fun stuff you find in our gutters? In the past, we've had an issue with people doing a so-so job of removing debris from the gutters and then leaving said stuff strewn all over the yard.

If your quote includes removal of all the debris in the gutters, then please let me know how we can go ahead and schedule you to come out. We can put a check under to doormat or drop it in the mail. Let us know how you would like to proceed.

Thanks!
Doug

--------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Sunday, November 29, 2009 11:14 AM
To: Doug
Price includes removal of all debris from the gutters and none left on the lawn.
We will leave an invoice in the door. We are about a week out.
GutterDude

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December crept up and I got busy around the house and at work. I was outside hanging the Christmas lights when I noticed the leaves in the gutters still. I went in and the next morning I sent GutterDude an e-mail:

Sent: Friday, December 18, 2009 8:27 AM
To: 'GutterDude' Subject: RE: gutter cleaning quote

Hello GutterDude,
Did we slip off your schedule? I understood you were a week out, but that was three weeks ago.
Can you let me know if you are able to clean our gutters?

Thank you,
Doug

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GutterDude did not get back to me and I realized that I had not given him a good request, so I tried again:

On Dec 19, 2009, at 10:07 AM, Doug wrote:
GutterDude,

I would appreciate some communication concerning the cleaning of our gutters at (Myhouse) in Westerville. Please either let me know when you will be here or let me know that you are canceling and that I need to find another vendor to take care of cleaning out our gutters.
Please let me know within 48 hours.

Doug

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To: Doug Sent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 3:44 PM
Subject: Re: gutter cleaning quote

Doug
You are still on the list. We should be out this week weather permitting. Thank you for your patience.
GuttterDude

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That next week the snow began to fall and GutterDude did not arrive. As it was Christmas, I forgot about the gutters and moved on with other things. Soon January arrived and I went to take down the Christmas lights. There had been about four weeks of snow and below freezing weather which I assume was not permitting. But the weather was changing and there were expected highs in the 40s that next week… perfect for ice dams. I decided to write GutterDude one last time:

On Jan 14, 2010, at 10:21 PM, Doug wrote:

Hello GutterDude,
Please allow me to re-introduce myself. My name is Doug and I contacted you on November 28th (that was back in 2009) to see about getting my gutters cleaned. You gave me a very good price and said you were a week out.

When you didn't show up for two weeks, I contacted you again and you said you would be out that week, weather permitting.

Now I look upon my house and I see clogged gutters filled with leaves and ice. It's quite beautiful at sunrise.

Tomorrow it will begin to warm up and the snow from my roof will melt and begin to head down to the gutter. I assume the conversation will go a little like this:

Melted Snow: "Hi gutter!"

Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm."

Melted Snow: "What's that?"

Gutter: "Hmm mmmmm mmm mmm!"

Melted Snow: "Oh! You can't talk because you are filled with ice and leaves!"

Gutter: "Hmm."

Melted Snow: "Well, I can't go down you and I've got to go somewhere. Where will I go?"

Doug's Drywall: "Hey! You can come down me!"

So, GutterDude... for the last time... when will you come to my house and clean out my gutters? When you say weather permitting, does that mean April? Either tell me that you will have a person here in the afternoon tomorrow or Saturday or tell me that you cannot clean my gutters.

Again: Tell me that you will have someone here on Friday January 14th, 2010 or Saturday January 15th, 2010 **OR** tell me that you have failed and will be unable to clean my gutters.

Thank you,
Doug

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Dear Doug,

We do appreciate your patience. It looks like we should be able to do it Monday if not before
GutterDude

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On Monday I stayed home from work and waited.

At 10:30am, the GutterDude truck pulled up and knocked on my door. And as much as I am a dick on the internet, I had a nice, quick chit chat with the guy and left him get to work. GutterDude unleafinated my gutters, cleaned up the debris in the yard and left me with an invoice and a thank you.

And my thanks to him is that I’m calling him GutterDude and not his real company’s name.

Rock on, GutterDude. Weather permitting.

Try using the "whole" quote

Sarah Palin sent out a Tweet yesterday asking her followers to remember Martin Luther King Jr. I can see how Palin, who has been under a lifetime of racial scrutiny for her accent, could believe in the hope behind MLK Jr.'s message.

Also in her Tweet, she (kind of) quotes MLK Jr. (see the fixed Tweet at www.FixingPalin.com)


Palin says, " "Faith is taking 1st step even when u don't see the staircase"-MLKjr"

Now, beyond the crappy Tweeting, there is something very wrong with this quote. The real quote is, "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." (My emphasis on whole.)

Without "whole" the two quotes are completely different. King is suggesting that you understand your path, but not exactly where it might lead and that you must trust in others or a higher power after those first few steps. Palin is suggesting blind faith. It's the difference between walking down a dark set of stairs with a lantern and only being able to see as far as the circle of light glows *OR* running through a dark house with a blindfold on, hoping that everything will work out because of God's will.

I do not think Palin understands the difference, otherwise she would remember the whole quote and write it as such. To Palin, it doesn't matter. Faith is faith, blind or not.

Here are some other quotes that I assume Sarah Palin could Tweet and fuck up:

"The only thing we have to fear is fear, it's elf."

"4 score and 7 years ago, my four dads brought 4th, upon these awesome United States of America, with Liberty and JUSTICE 4 all."

"Mr. Gorbycough, all in all it's just another brick in the tear down this wall!"

"Dec. 7, 1941—a day which will live in for me"

"Jesus swept."

SCAM! SCAN OF WESTERN UNION

Hi Scammer! Just wanted you to know that I now have your IP address.

I'll be reporting it to the London Authorities.

Good day dumbass!

If you get an e-mail from Katie Beiter kataa0821@yahoo.com it is a scam. AVOID.

If you are given this address: Route 66, 325 Kentish Town Road, London, NW5 2T, United Kingdom it is a scam. AVOID.
If you are given this address: 98 Finchley Road, London, NW3 5EL
United Kingdom AVOID

Adam and Eve's copy of The Dark Side of the Moon (revisited)

I posted this earlier.


Very few people go it. I am too obscure. Here is the copy of The Dark Side of the Moon that Noah would have had after the whole ark thing.

Interviewing for Vanna's Job

During this time of tragedy, Sarah Palin wants you to donate... to her PAC

Sarah Palin made a plea to all her Twitter followers to donate by going to her Facebook page and clicking on some links:


But when you go to her Facebook page:


There are only two areas where DONATE can be seen:




I have to assume that Sarah wants you to donate to some relief effort and that she would never send her followers to her page to donate to her PAC (Political Action Committee.) But, I would assume that any semi-intelligent individual would post the links FIRST and then advertise on Twitter that people go and click on them.

Idiot.

I like FixingPalin's translation better:


(UPDATE) Two hours after her original Twitter post, Sarah Palin posted a message on Facebook saying, "To assist those in need, consider sending a $10 donation to the Red Cross by texting 'Haiti' to 90999." That's a bit under the 140 character limit of Twitter and she could have just said that in the first place.

Bobby is Measured

I think I promised Bobby that I wouldn't publish this. I also think promises have a 18 month shelf life.

Lotion

A video from around 2003. Dave and I helped to host the talent show and we created video filler material. This was one of the bits.



And I was thin in this video.

Forecast = SNOW!

The real purpose of airport screening

Very Creepy Coloring Book

We took Greg and Ann to see the neighborhood Santa. He handed out these coloring books as gifts. Starting with the cover, they are extremely creepy:

Front cover: Young gay cowboy seeks similar. Pew, pew pew!


The Ass Bandit makes his escape!


The chipmunk and rabbit will haunt my dreams tonight. It looks like the chipmunk is drawing in the book to hide the boy's groin from our view. THANK YOU CHIPMUNK.


OK. Not horrific. But that umbrella has a sharp point and someone could get hurt.


This kid is obviously drunk on fermented, giant olive. I think he drew this coloring book.

Limbaugh Diagnosis: Heart is Actually a Bile Creating, Dark Mass

Honolulu (HJ) -- Tests that were performed on Rush Limbaugh after he was admitted to a Hawaii hospital for chest pains "found absolutely nothing wrong," the conservative talk show host said Friday. As a matter of fact, doctors found absolutely nothing that resembled a heart. Senior cardiologist Dr. Mark Hudson explained, “While we believe the pain was caused by an arterial spasm, the arteries in Limbaugh do not come from a “heart,” but rather a large, dark mass that resembles a secondary liver. It is lumpy with some fleshy out-shoots that mimic non-functionality of the appendix.”

Limbaugh said his ordeal started Wednesday afternoon, when he began experiencing pain in his upper left chest "like I've never experienced before."

Dr. Hudson shared, “Once in the hospital, we performed an angiogram that revealed no evidence of arterial or coronary disease. We believe this is due to the large amount of bitter bile that is created by the secondary liver.” Dr. Hudson continued, “We believe that this bile is created in Limbaugh’s “heart” and transported throughout his body in a similar fashion as blood is delivered in humans. The bile is then transported to the lungs where it is mixed with an intake of oxygen and then the waste bile is expelled out the mouth.”

The cause of his pain -- which he called "real" -- has not been determined. It is possible that during Rush’s vacation, there was a build-up of bile that could not be released in the normal fashion during his radio program.

He was discharged from the hospital Friday, bile spewing from his mouth as always. "The treatment I received here was the best that the world has to offer," he said. "I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system. It is working just fine. You should all fly to Hawaii and get your treatment here. I can also suggest some great pharmacies in New York, Florida, California and several other states."

Limbaugh's radio show is broadcast on more than 600 stations and is heard by more than 13.5 million listeners each week.

It took a year...

Wisdom from a friend

I sent a buddy of mine a link to a video of Mike Rowe speaking at TED. His reply (which I have slightly edited) was unexpected, but appreciated.

I say I am a (occupation) a lot. That is my job, but in reality I do very little of that. I am a defender, an advocate, cheerleader, a motivator, a negotiator, a diplomat, a lobbyist and all of these things, make me a leader. I do all of these things in support of those who do the work. Mike is a great speaker. Most people don't pay attention to the fact that the people that grease the wheels of the world, are those that have the gift of oration. I would venture to bet that almost all great things and a whole lot of bad deeds, were born of a great speech. And, even more likely, a small quiet conversation around the water cooler. No product was ever sold or mission ever accomplished simply buying the item, but buying the seller. Wow, all that and not one sarcastic comment or joke, sorry.


Thanks for that.

The Known Universe and Muse

Someone set "The Known Universe" video to music from Muse. Greg drew this picture right after watching it. I like the flag on the moon.