HolyJuan

Answers to "Can you find seven things wrong"

Thank you to everyone who provided e-mails and comments concerning "The Seven Things Wrong" in the Dave photo.

As a reminder, here was the photo from a few days ago:

And here are the correct answers:

1. No fucking way any Briley went to Harvard. Unless it was to steal a mug.

2. VCR is not BETA. BETA is the official format of Maine.

3. Christmas tree was not previously used.

4. TV is black. All TVs in Maine are Black and White. Partial credit for "no gay porn playing."

5. Dave is wearing pants while decorating. No credit for "huge cock."

6. WWGWBD-OTRNTMF - What Would George W Bush Do- Oh That's Right Nuke The Mother Fuckers bracelet missing.

7. No ~~lobster~~ lobstah.

Thanks for playing! Let me know how wrong I was with these answers.

Local Man finds Unique Quarter

WESTERVILLE OH- David Ribley thought all he got was 35 cents in change at the gas station. Upon a closer look, he realized that he had received an unusual quarter. "I've been a collector for 14 years and haven't seen anything this amazing before. I'm not sure how this made it past the mint's quality control." Mr. Ribley allowed us to photograph the coin to share with our readers.

As you can see the quarter on the left is normal. The quarter on the right has been stamped upside down.

Mr. Ribley currently has no plans to sell the coin. "I call it the Upside Down George. For now I'm gonna keep it. This is too valuable to put a price on." When asked what he might sell it for he replied, "At least a hundo. Maybe two."

Twitter Challenge from maggiebaxter

Bailout Money Found: Living Under St. Louis Overpass

ST. LOUIS, MO – Show me the money! The people of the United States outcry for fiscal responsibility has reached the breaking point and Washington is attempting to track down where the Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) money has gone. Looking west,

they found some of it. Congressional Auditors located a portion of the 700 Billion dollars financial bailout money living under a dank, I-70 overpass east of St. Louis.

The money, dirty and disheveled, looked to have been there for about three weeks. There were urine stained bill wrappers and broken rubber bands cluttering the ground. Some of the bills had been folded down the middle for use at a Gentleman’s Club. There was an overriding odor of MD 20/20 and pennies. The money was unwilling to leave the overpass and unresponsive to our reporter's questions.

Back in Washington, we attempted to question several of the major banking institutions. Bank of America’s representative was unrepentive, “Do you know how much money goes in and out of our doors everyday? We can’t be expected to keep track of all of it.” When we described condition of the found money, Bank of America smirked and said that sounded a lot like Wells Fargo’s kind of stash.

Wells Fargo said it can't provide any details about any mishandled funds until it releases its fourth quarter statement, though the bank said it intends to check into the found money and what nudie bars the money might have patronized. J.P. Morgan Chase’s representative was unavailable while doing his own research off-shore.

The FBI has been aware of the found money and has put out a poster in the hopes of attracting some attention and developing some leads.

As for the bailout money found under the overpass, other destitute also living there said that the money has since moved on and was last seen hitchhiking south on Interstate 55.

The Difference Between Santa Claus and a Pedophile

The $10,000,000 Mayan Calendar Bet

The Mayan calendar ends on December 21st, 2012. There are many who claim that the world will end on that December 21st or the next business day.

I am here to make a wager with these so called apocalyptic soothsayers. If you are willing to stand behind your foresight or stand in front of your hind-sight, I will make the following bet with you:

If the world does not end on December 21st, 2012 (or the following business day), you will owe me $1 (one American dollar.)

If the world does end on December 21st, 2021 (or the following business day), I will pay you $10,000,000 (ten million American dollars.)

The following are acceptable apocalypses:

• Disease/Plague that wipes out 99.9% of the population
• Solar Winds that rape the Earth of its atmosphere and turn us into mutants
• Nuclear Winter population extinction (extended cold period caused by nuclear bombs)
• Nucular Winter population extinction (Nuclear Winter caused by George Bush)
• Biblical Proportion of Something
• Flood (no ark allowed)
• Impact event
• Shit Tornado (well worth the ten million my friend)
• Multi-Volcanic eruption
• Alien Invasion (enslavement will cancel the bet)
• Zombies

If you would like to take this bet, please contact me at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Things one can have while in college (revised)

I saw a chart on line that needed edited to conform to my reality.

Morning chat with Dave

Dave is in Maine. Even though they DO have phones there, it takes him so long to spin the rotary dial that we just chat on-line instead. Here was our conversation this morning. (Please don't tell Miss Sally about her gift. Or the other parts of this.)

8:48 AM - SMILEY: so are you wrapping gifts today or are you superdad?
8:48 AM - HOLYJUAN: neither
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: well, I could wrap sallys gift (ipod)
8:49 AM - SMILEY: nice...nano, shuffle, or old school
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: Nano, 8G
8:49 AM - SMILEY: color?
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: green
8:50 AM - SMILEY: cool...she'll love it.
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: I stole it from a 13 year old
8:50 AM - SMILEY: Antona gets a carton of smokes and a scarf this year
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: Can you get filtered? That heavy smoke bothers my eyes after sex.
8:51 AM - SMILEY: Merry Christmas
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: And a scarf that doesn’t knot so tightly
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: Doesn't knot? Is that a double negative?
8:52 AM - SMILEY: I'll see about the scarf...

Eric Hutchinson

Over Thanksgiving, Sally’s brother took us to see Eric Hutchinson at the Beachland Ballroom in Cleveland.

It was an awesome show.

Eric Hutchinson is a cool cat. A younger dude with two other guys in the band. He splits his time between the keyboard, guitar and cracking wise. His music is soul and a hint of pop. I would say he’s like Jack Johnson right after getting dumped and then punched in the head by Stevie Wonder, but I’m horrible with comparisons.

After the show, we were hanging out in the back bar. Eric stuck around and was hanging out with some of the locals. Somehow a cake appeared. I’m not sure if the bar got it for Eric or if Eric has cake in his rider. Either way, he offered us a piece. Cool cat.

Check out Eric at http://erichutchinson.com

Do me a favor and vote for him over at Yahoo for performer of the month.
http://music.yahoo.com/promo-29644410

Two Cool States

There are only two states that have not recorded a high temperature past the 100 degree Fahrenheit mark. One is easy to guess, the other not so much.

Alaska, of course.

Any guesses? (I guessed Maine and was wrong.) Before I reveal the answer, here is the chart on the highest temperatures recorded by state.

State high temperature records
State Temp Date
Alabama..........112 ..........Sept. 5, 1925
Alaska ..........100 ..........June 27, 1915
Arizona ..........128 .......... June 29, 1994
Arkansas ..........120 ..........Aug. 10, 1936
California ..........134 ..........July 10, 1913
Colorado ..........118 ..........July 11, 1888
Connecticut ..........106 ..........July 15, 1995
Delaware ..........110 ..........July 21, 1930
Florida ..........109 ..........June 29, 1931
Georgia ..........112 ..........July 24, 1952
Hawaii ..........100 ..........April 27,1931
Idaho ..........118 ..........July 28, 1934
Illinois ..........117 ..........July 14, 1954
Indiana ..........116.......... July 14, 1936
Iowa ..........118 ..........July 20, 1934
Kansas ..........121 ..........July 24, 1936
Kentucky ..........114 ..........July 28, 1930
Louisiana ..........114 ..........Aug. 10, 1936
Maine ..........105 ..........July 10, 1911
Maryland ..........109 ..........July 10, 1936
Massachusetts ..........107 ..........Aug. 2, 1975
Michigan ..........112 ..........July 13, 1936
Minnesota ..........114 ..........July 6, 1936
Mississippi ..........115 ..........July 29, 1930
Missouri ..........118 ..........July 14, 1954
Montana ..........117 ..........July 5, 1937
Nebraska ..........118 ..........July 24, 1936
Nevada ..........125 ..........June 29, 1994
New Hampshire ..........106 ..........July 4, 1911
New Jersey ..........110 ..........July 10, 1936
New Mexico ..........122 ..........June 27, 1994
New York ..........108 ..........July 22, 1926
North Carolina ..........110 ..........Aug. 21, 1983
North Dakota ..........121 ..........July 6, 1936
Ohio ..........113 ..........July 21, 1934
Oklahoma ..........120 ..........June 27, 1994
Oregon ..........119 ..........Aug. 10, 1898
Pennsylvania ..........111 ..........July 10, 1936
Rhode Island ..........104 ..........Aug. 2, 1975
South Carolina ..........111 ..........June 28, 1954
South Dakota ..........120 ..........July 15, 2006
Tennessee ..........113 ..........Aug. 9, 1930
Texas ..........120 ..........Aug. 12, 1936
Utah ..........117 ..........July 5, 1985
Vermont ..........105 ..........July 4, 1911
Virginia ..........110 ..........July 15, 1954
Washington ..........118 ..........Aug. 5, 1961
West Virginia ..........112 ..........July 10, 1936
Wisconsin ..........114 ..........July 13, 1936
Wyoming ..........116 ..........Aug. 8, 1983

That’s right! Alaska and Hawaii.

Hawaii is surrounded by the Pacific Ocean and cooling ocean breezes are enough to keep it from reaching the higher temperatures.

Source: U.S. National Climatic Data Center (last updated August 2006)

HolyJuan in Hungary

I drew a cartoon back in 06' about using World of Warcraft in job interviews. It looked like this:

A story about NOT using WoW in job interviews came out and my cartoon became a little popular around the world. A site in Hungary picked it up and translated it for all the Hungary people:

This just might be the greatest accomplishment of my life.

Frosty and the North Pole

Can you find seven things wrong with this photo?

Dave moved to Maine and here he is in his new house. Can you find seven things wrong with this photo? (click to enlarge)

Skully’s Sign Language

Skully’s is a very loud place and communication can be difficult. Yelling, “You are smoking hot!” to a chick can be easily misinterpreted as, “I have dog shit on my foot!”

To avoid confusion, we have developed a series of hand gestures to help you communicate during your time of need.

I can drink a lot more
A very common question at Skully's is, "You want another drink?" This is non-verbally communicated through one of several common gestures. The answer, though, should not be passed off with a simple "yes" head bob. Instead, try the following:

Hands to the sides and say, “I can drink…….”

(Pause for effect) Raise them above your head, “A LOT MORE!”

Back off Bitch!
Sometimes a woman cannot control herself and will attack you bodily on the dance floor. If she cannot hear you yell at her to back the fuck off, whip off your belt and give her this non-verbal signal to the head.

Punch to the Bald Head
Are you sick and tired of bald guys getting all the hot chicks? What I really hate is when two of them show up to the bar and exponentially scoop up all the hotties. When you finally grow weary of this, pop the following hand gesture on the hairless bastards to break things up.

I'm Married
Skully's is a dangerous place for a married man. Young, hot chicks can smell a keeper and they will thrust themselves upon you. When you find yourself in this situation below:

Pull back and point at the ring:

You might break the youngin's heart, but it's best to get it over quickly.

You might have to repeat this often throughout the night in different situations.

Two Many Witnesses
Sometimes you will meet a hot chick that wants to ride you around the dance floor like an 120v electric bull on 220v. Sadly, many of the friends you came to Skully's with would disapprove of your contact with said young lady. To share your disappointment with a colleague who understands your predicament, use the following series of hang gestures

Too

Many

Witnesses

Chicks I've Banged Tonight
Sometimes it's OK to brag. Hold up those fingers and let the people know how many worlds you've rocked that night.

Marry Me
At Skully's, anything can happy. Love flows like melting records at a World Harvest Church Music Burning. If the moment is right and the love in your heart cannot be contained, buy a $5 rose from the guy with the bucket of $1 roses, drop to one knee and profess your silent love.

I am the Happiest Man in the World Right Now
Hard to arrange. Difficult not to get beat by your wife once she sees it. Worth every second.

Laws You Don’t Know Yet

The 0th Law of Physics
This Law that states, “Every object in the universe at one time in its life, will end up in the back of Russ’ 1985 Nissan Maxima Wagon.” Simply put, whenever we got in a bind, we could find the solution somewhere in the back of Russ’ car. When we got lost in Cincinnati trying to find a toga party, there was a U of Cincinnati brochure with a small map that showed us where Kit lived. When I needed a pen, there was a stick with a burnt end that was good enough to write down seven numbers on the inside of a sugar cone wrapper that I also found back there. You could always depend on the 0th Law of Physics. There was always various amounts of change for parking meters or laundry. Or a random audio cable that could be used as a belt. And there was always usually a half pack of cigarettes. Some say the Russ sold that car. Others say he wrecked it. But I know that one day, that car appeared in its own backseat and ceased to exist in a puff of logic. Fortunately, this happened about ten minutes after he had traded it in.

Ray’s Law
This Law wasn’t named Ray’s Law until Ray fell prey to it. Before it was Ray’s Law it was, “Don’t Order Anything that Anyone Else Orders Law.” When ordering dinner at a restaurant, never order any meal that someone else orders. First off, it adds variation to the meal. It’s fun to look at other people’s food and make fun of their taste. But the main reason not to order the same meal is to avoid mass food poisoning. If the canned salmon is bad, you don’t want the whole table going down. If only one person eats it, then only one person can get sick. On a business trip to Omaha, NE, Ray and Martin and I were having dinner at a Cajun restaurant. Ray ordered what I was going to order (The Blackened Catfish) and I made a point of ordering something else. When I explained the DOAtAEO Law to him, he laughed. We ate and had a good time making fun of each other’s meals.

At 2:00am in the morning, Ray called my hotel room. He was blowing it out of both ends. He blamed me. I shrugged and re-named it Ray’s Law.

One Second Browser Window Close Law
This Law states that one second before you close your internet browser, someone will turn the corner into your cubicle or walk into your office. All they will notice is that you were on the internet and that you immediately closed the browser as they walked in the room. They will assume that you were looking at porn. You can not make any excuses as to why you closed the browser or say that you were not looking at porn as it will only make things worse. Just say it was the Browser One Second Law and they will understand. When they leave, go back to looking at your porn.

The Internet Oneupsman Law
This Law states that you know a Law that is funnier or better than one of mine. If so, leave it in the comments below or e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com and if it is good, I’ll add it to the list and give you credit.

John and Experimental Drugs

John was on a few experimental drugs to help him grow some additional hair.

The drugs didn't work, but the side effects sure did.

Backfired

I had to get a PPD or tuberculosis (TB) test done the other day. The tech said there would be a small prick as she shoved the needle sidewise into the subdermal layer. The goo she pumped into me would react to TB and begin to get red and fester if I was positive. When she withdrew the needle the injection site bled a bit more than she thought it would. She stuck on a band-aid, told me to come back in 48 – 72 hours, slapped me on the ass and I was on my way.

That was Wednesday.

I showed the injection site to my co-workers. There was a dark bruise where the needle had gone in. I said that was not a TB reaction and more from the needle. I told them they would know if it was a positive test. We looked at positive results on the internet. The positives ranged from a silver dollar sized discoloration to a fist sized, red, angry blotch. I wasn't worried.

Then came Thursday.

I didn’t have time to run into the doctor’s to get the injection site checked at the 48 hour mark so I decided to wait up until the 72 hour mark. Three of my co-workers were in a meeting and I decided to play a joke on them. I went to Steph and asked her for any makeup to create a false positive on my arm. She said she didn’t have any (or that she didn’t want her make-up on my arm,) but directed me towards the oil pastel “crayons” at the drawing table. I used some red, orange and brown to make a pancake sized blemish around the injection site. The pastels were hard so I needed to mark a dark line and then rub the area to spread it out convincingly. I showed my work to Steph. She shook her head and got the pastels back out and made my crappy attempt a lot more tuberculosisy. Then I waited.

When the boys got out of their meeting, they gathered around Clair’s desk. I walked up and reminded them of the injection. Then I pulled up my sleeve to reveal the "festering" site.

They were torn between shitting their pants and clenching their butt cheeks, did neither, and instead stared open jawed while slowly leaning backwards 5 degrees. I expressed my own disbelief and that I didn’t know what to do. We all asked questions that no one answered. I finally said, “This looks like I took pastels and drew on my arm.” They said it did. Then I said, “No, I mean it looks like I drew on my arm with several colors of pastels.”

Erik got it and so did Michael. I think Keegan figured it out around Friday.

We had a good laugh and I washed off the pastels. It took a good bit of scrubbing, but I got it cleaned up.

Then came Thursday night.

Miss Sally was working late and then went out for drinks with friends. I was at the computer when she came home around 11pm. While talking to her she grew alarmed and said, “What’s up with your arm?”

At the injection site, the smallish bruise had expanded out to about silver dollar size. I assumed it was from the rubbing on of the pastels and the scrubbing off of said pastels off.

“That looks like a positive result.” Sally would know. She and her team have to get tested every three years. She's seen a positive result before. I said, “It’s just the bruise.” But then I looked again. The bruise was there, but it had definitely spread out. And it started to look red. And slightly angry. Sally asked, “Did you get it checked?” No. “Are you going to?” Yes. Tomorrow.

And she went to bed.

I stayed up and looked up positive TB tests on the internet. They started to look a lot like mine. Then I looked at what I would have to go through the next six months on antibiotics. With no drinking alcohol. HolyJuan wept.

It took me a long time to fall asleep that night.

Friday morning.

I went to the doctors first thing before work. I checked in and went to the tech’s area. The girl who gave me the shot was there. She said she remembered me. I said that I remembered her and stuck out my arm. Her eyes shot open wide. “That’s a big bruise!”

A bruise? It’s not a positive result? “Nope, you are ok. I remember that you bled after I gave you the injection. That’s the biggest bruise I’ve ever seen from a TB test.” I assume that most people do not rub and scrub their TB test area while fucking around at work. I think I aggravated the bruise a bit. I wasn't about to tell the tech.

I put down my sleeve and smiled, “Yeah, it’s almost like I put marker on my arm.”

Yellow Pages and the Jesus Fish

If you are like me, you avoid companies that use the Jesus Fish to advertise. It seems very hypocritical.

Didn’t Jesus go nuts and beat the shit out of the money changers for exactly the same thing? Do these advertisers think that Christians are blind and will choose a plumber with a fish over a plumber with a one hour guarantee?

I decided to do some research in the Columbus yellow pages to see what I could find.

Plumbers Love Jesus

I don't know why, but plumbers use the Jesus Fish more than any other advertiser. Here are a few plumbing examples:

Fisting Jesus Lover- This guy is putting out multiple messages here:

These plumbers love Jesus so much, they have integrated him into their logos.

This guy has gone completely overboard.

This home inspector may love the Lord Jesus Christ, but it seems like Jesus Fish is chasing the guy. (The guy also looks pretty fem):

I had to include this photo because it freaks me out. There are certain rules about putting your photo in the yellow pages and this lady has broken at least six of them.

I am confused by these fishes.

This fish says "Since 1974." Does that mean that before 1974 they were Pagans? Or is this more Bible math that squeezes our history down into 5,000 years?

Stop Jesus? Stop using Jesus in advertising? I don't get it.

Where's the fish?

I was concerned because there were several places that I did not see Jesus Fish where I thought I should:

Carpenters
Come on. Jesus was a carpenter.

Churches
Gee Whiz! I thought there would be a Jesus Fish in every advert. But none. Zip. Seems that churches don’t feel the need to prostitute Jesus out to get their customers. (Well, at least not in the yellow pages.)

Sushi
There was not Jesus symbol here, so I added my own.

There's just no reason for an aquarium place to use the Jesus Fish. That's just over the top.

I’m not saying I agree, but this extermination company seems to advertise that they get rid of most common pests.

Top 10 Jobs for 2009

Obama Shrine Fabricator

Article Writer About How Shitty the Economy Is and Will Be

Forecloser

“Coldplay Stole My Song” Songwriter

Coldplay Lawyer

Purse Thief and/or Retiring Bank Executive

Stocks into Origami Artist

Palin for Prez ~~2010~~ 2012 T-shirt Maker

Bleeding Tears Jesus Statue Sculptor

SNL Critic

CRUSH!

You might be familiar with an experiment that involves heating a container with a small amount of water in it, capping it and then cooling it. The cooling causes a difference in pressure and the result is very fun to watch.

My friend Keegan decided to try this experiment with an oil drum. Here is the result:

He was pretty proud of this experiment and claimed that it was the largest type of experiment he had seen on the internet. That was until we found this one:

Not exactly the same experiment, but the result is amazing.

Heart of Stone

Anne and I used to resort to simplistic means of dealing with project management stress and anger through various hand symbols with taglines. My favorite is “COMMIT.” (Create two fists and bump them knuckles together twice in front of your chest. Commit is used when you have a decision to make and decide to do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing.) The one I am using today is “HEART OF STONE.” (Create one fist and place it thumb first on your heart. Heart of Stone is used when you remove emotion from the equation and continue moving forward. Make a stone of your heart.)

I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.

Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”

And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.

Penis Size Chart Updated! (SFW)

The "desirable penis size" chart was recently updated and all I can say is "Look out Ladies!"

I'll Miss Dave

Goodbye, Dave.

HolyJuan.com is not being sold!

I would like to squash any rumors about the sale of HolyJuan.com. In the past few weeks there have been leaks from several news sources that the site was going to be sold for anywhere between $15,000 to $50,000. I even read somewhere that the Marketing Logistics VP of Google called me to discuss a deal. I can tell you now without question that I may or may not have received a call from Google. Let me make this clear, there is NO TRUTH to the statement that it is possible that maybe or maybe not there was contact from Ralph Henry, VP of Internet Acquisitions at Microsoft as to the purchase or not, of HolyJuan.com. There is little or no or some truth in this half-truth, “The call with Yahoo that was not received did, in fact, never not happen during with the intent of sale or purchase, lie, of the web site holyjuan.com, false and such with maps.”

I’d like to let you all know that these are rumors and that HolyJuan would never sell out for less than $75,000.

Good day.

HJ

Goodbye Dave

Hello Friends and Debtors of Dave,

As many of you may already know, Dave will be leaving Ohio and traveling north and east to warmer and morally relaxed environs of Maine.

We invite you to join us in the celebration of Dave's friendship through a various combination of friendly conversation, drinks and dance. We will be gathering Thursday, December 4th at 7:00pm at Skully's Music Diner.

Thursday is Ladies 80's Night at Skully’s starting around 9:00pm, and they play 80's music that most of you can actually remember listening to on mix tapes. Any males showing up after 9:00pm will be required to pay Skully's $4 cover charge. Ladies are free on Thursdays. Somehow, Acton gets in for $2.00. Go figure.

Directions and Skully's menu can be found here: http://www.skullys.org/index.htm

On a similar note, Bobby's Heigel's band, The Hot Damn, will be performing at Skully's on Wednesday December 3rd at 9:00pm sharp. If you cannot make the Thursday event, please think about seeing Dave at the Wednesday concert.

Vote for Nag on the Lake

Nag on the Lake (I assume that is her first and last name) is up for some award. I'd like you to vote for her.

http://cdnba.wordpress.com/vote-2008/best-culturalentertainment-blog/

Look down the list until you see Nag on the Lake and click the dot thingy next to her name.

She has suggested, though not actually said via word, thought or e-mail, that she will give me one official Canadian Blow Job if I can get her in first place. I assume that once elected, she will drive down here to deliver, all though now that I think about it, I'll probably have to drive up there as it is a Canadian BJ and not the typical USA BJ which usually included the exchange of money.

Does anyone know what a Canadian Blow Job is?

Vote!

They didn’t get the joke

I recently got an e-mail from a startup blogger website requesting that I take the time to add a blogging term to their on-line blog reference guide or blogohpedia.

So I did. Here is my suggested word submission, “Weak-a-pedia”, for their on-line reference site:

I thought that I would not hear back anything from them or that I’d get a snide reply. Instead I got this:

And here it is on their site:

I don't think they got the joke.

I’m not advertising their site, but if you want to see a whole lot of very lame blog references, check them out here.