Republican Party to America: “We quit.”
As a Republican, I find myself wondering what the hell is going on. It is true my Republican affiliation has been increasingly fading and the closest fragment of the party I can hang my hat on is with the Log Cabin Republicans. (It’s tough to be an atheist, pro-choice Republican.)
I see you other Republicans. Hands clasped behind your backs. Innocently whistling skyward. Walking slowly backwards away from George Bush and the inevitable nominee, John McCain. You are giving up. Senators. Talking heads. The pundits, or as they will be called in the coming weeks, “punt-its,” have already dropped back 14 and a half yards and are praying for a Hillary nomination. Dust off the 1996 Playbook boys and change the date on the cover!
Oh sure, when it’s our troops fighting overseas we shake our fists and rant, “No Retreat!” But when we can’t find a Republican candidate that isn’t a Faux-Moderate or a Fundamentalist Kook, we start waving the white flag and digging four year trenches. It’s much easier to bring out Limbaugh’s re-runs, hope the Democrats screw up and hand us the elections in 2010 and 2012.
There are several reasons Republicans want to give up now. First off, we can see how our current silly candidates are caught in a winless battle with themselves. Everyone is playing nice because they realize that McCain is so fragile and it is way too easy to beat up on for his political past and present. Huckabee’s a douche. Even Ron Paul, who doesn’t have sheep’s chance in West Virginia, is a better Republican pick than McCain. I can’t wait for the Democrats’ commercials which will be filled with McCain’s own fatalistic quotes about jobs never coming back, War and a Middle East military presence lasting for 100 - 1000 years. You’ve heard the radio personalities say they’d rather vote for Hillary than McCain… how insane is that?
Second, Bush has utterly and completely left a mentally and fiscally, tattered and torn America behind and the person who attempts to change it is not going to make a lot of friends. So why should we take it on the chin when we’ve got the Dems to do it for us? Until we learn to confront Bush on his some of his ignorant policies and overspending, we are never going to get out from under his greasy, dead-eye determination shadow.
And finally, with the lackluster candidate and without a banner to stand behind, Republican turnout in November will be meager at best. Why even try? At most we are hoping for a Hillary nomination to bring out the Clinton-Hate vote. If Obama gets the nod, just stay in your trench and head for the safety of the internet.
Once the Dems finally pick a candidate (and quit hoping that they will start in-fighting,) McCain will fall apart. I’ll watch from the sidelines as McCain recants, re-remembers and sticks his lip out. All he has to stand behind now is War and Life and that just doesn’t cut it anymore.
If it comes down to Hillary vs McCain… I guess I, too, will be staying at home in my trench because I am a weak spine, denied entry to the Log Cabin Republicans, pro-choice, disenfranchised and disillusioned Republican. And if the opportunity arises, once I flip the switch to vote for Obama, I won’t even be that anymore.
I see you other Republicans. Hands clasped behind your backs. Innocently whistling skyward. Walking slowly backwards away from George Bush and the inevitable nominee, John McCain. You are giving up. Senators. Talking heads. The pundits, or as they will be called in the coming weeks, “punt-its,” have already dropped back 14 and a half yards and are praying for a Hillary nomination. Dust off the 1996 Playbook boys and change the date on the cover!
Oh sure, when it’s our troops fighting overseas we shake our fists and rant, “No Retreat!” But when we can’t find a Republican candidate that isn’t a Faux-Moderate or a Fundamentalist Kook, we start waving the white flag and digging four year trenches. It’s much easier to bring out Limbaugh’s re-runs, hope the Democrats screw up and hand us the elections in 2010 and 2012.
There are several reasons Republicans want to give up now. First off, we can see how our current silly candidates are caught in a winless battle with themselves. Everyone is playing nice because they realize that McCain is so fragile and it is way too easy to beat up on for his political past and present. Huckabee’s a douche. Even Ron Paul, who doesn’t have sheep’s chance in West Virginia, is a better Republican pick than McCain. I can’t wait for the Democrats’ commercials which will be filled with McCain’s own fatalistic quotes about jobs never coming back, War and a Middle East military presence lasting for 100 - 1000 years. You’ve heard the radio personalities say they’d rather vote for Hillary than McCain… how insane is that?
Second, Bush has utterly and completely left a mentally and fiscally, tattered and torn America behind and the person who attempts to change it is not going to make a lot of friends. So why should we take it on the chin when we’ve got the Dems to do it for us? Until we learn to confront Bush on his some of his ignorant policies and overspending, we are never going to get out from under his greasy, dead-eye determination shadow.
And finally, with the lackluster candidate and without a banner to stand behind, Republican turnout in November will be meager at best. Why even try? At most we are hoping for a Hillary nomination to bring out the Clinton-Hate vote. If Obama gets the nod, just stay in your trench and head for the safety of the internet.
Once the Dems finally pick a candidate (and quit hoping that they will start in-fighting,) McCain will fall apart. I’ll watch from the sidelines as McCain recants, re-remembers and sticks his lip out. All he has to stand behind now is War and Life and that just doesn’t cut it anymore.
If it comes down to Hillary vs McCain… I guess I, too, will be staying at home in my trench because I am a weak spine, denied entry to the Log Cabin Republicans, pro-choice, disenfranchised and disillusioned Republican. And if the opportunity arises, once I flip the switch to vote for Obama, I won’t even be that anymore.
Pat Robertson calls for Primary votes of tornado dead not be counted
VIRGINIA BEACH
Later in the broadcast, during a Primary Day discussion, Robertson claimed that the voters in
“I know this is painful for the families to hear, but if you voted for anyone other than a Christian, you have accepted God’s wrath, and that's the way it is, period.”
Later in the broadcast, Robertson clarified his position stating that while the votes of the deceased should count now, “…it will be very hard for them to vote in the election in November.”
How to write a “Let’s Get a Drink Letter”
Getting your lame ass friends out to get a drink can be a real problem. As I am an expert in this, let me help you to convince your friends to go out and grab a beer with you and possibly end up at the nudie bar.
Dear (insert friends’ names individually or use a small penis referenced general greeting to all),
I Introduction: Say hello to friends with a short passage about how things are going and how much work is a pain. Continue with discussing the weather and how Spring is in the air. Transition to paragraph two with a suggestion of how getting together would be a fine idea.
II The pitch: Sell the "drinking with friends tonight" idea. Ask when was the last time you saw each other and describe about the time when XXX got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Cuba with a 14 year old prostitute. Question their loyalty to work and suggest that puking at the 10:00am daily meeting is perfectly normal. Finish the paragraph with telling everyone that you plan to meet at (no later than 3:00pm) on (any day of week as long as there is one hour notice) at (insert local bar with Tavern or House in the name.) Suggest they bring a hot, unmarried friend who has a drinking problem and can't remember the name Doug or how bad he is in the sack.
III Sell! Sell! Sell! : Guilt them into submission by telling them that (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) will be joining the festivities. If they don't know who (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) is, fuck them. Make those cock sucking, sons of bitches regret that they ever crossed your path if they don't show up and I don't give a fucking shit if American Idol is on boo hoo fucking hoo.
IV Relax: Remind them again of the time and the place. Tell them that Doug will actually be there on time. Lie to them again by saying that Doug will buy the first round.
V Summation: Make up some lie about (single guy friend) finally getting engaged so that they really want to show up and see if it is true or not. Thank them for their time and tell them how you can't wait to see them tomorrow night.
Salutation:
Your name with nickname in "quotations"
Fake cell phone number just so they can't call to tell you they aren't coming (use the 555 in the phone number just to cheese them off.)
PS Quirky statement about something you forgot to say above but then by saying it, brings the whole letter to a close.
PSS Funnier statement about the PS above but with additional information about Greg's limited manhood girth.
Dear (insert friends’ names individually or use a small penis referenced general greeting to all),
I Introduction: Say hello to friends with a short passage about how things are going and how much work is a pain. Continue with discussing the weather and how Spring is in the air. Transition to paragraph two with a suggestion of how getting together would be a fine idea.
II The pitch: Sell the "drinking with friends tonight" idea. Ask when was the last time you saw each other and describe about the time when XXX got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Cuba with a 14 year old prostitute. Question their loyalty to work and suggest that puking at the 10:00am daily meeting is perfectly normal. Finish the paragraph with telling everyone that you plan to meet at (no later than 3:00pm) on (any day of week as long as there is one hour notice) at (insert local bar with Tavern or House in the name.) Suggest they bring a hot, unmarried friend who has a drinking problem and can't remember the name Doug or how bad he is in the sack.
III Sell! Sell! Sell! : Guilt them into submission by telling them that (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) will be joining the festivities. If they don't know who (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) is, fuck them. Make those cock sucking, sons of bitches regret that they ever crossed your path if they don't show up and I don't give a fucking shit if American Idol is on boo hoo fucking hoo.
IV Relax: Remind them again of the time and the place. Tell them that Doug will actually be there on time. Lie to them again by saying that Doug will buy the first round.
V Summation: Make up some lie about (single guy friend) finally getting engaged so that they really want to show up and see if it is true or not. Thank them for their time and tell them how you can't wait to see them tomorrow night.
Salutation:
Your name with nickname in "quotations"
Fake cell phone number just so they can't call to tell you they aren't coming (use the 555 in the phone number just to cheese them off.)
PS Quirky statement about something you forgot to say above but then by saying it, brings the whole letter to a close.
PSS Funnier statement about the PS above but with additional information about Greg's limited manhood girth.
Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend
Dear HolyJuan,
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
Every Burger: Yum of delicious taste testing
We head out once a month to the local Chinese buffet for lunch. Right next door to the buffet is a conveniently located Chinese grocery store that sells stuff like wax berries, dried ginger and Every Burger. Today, we will test the Every Burger on the unsuspecting Erik, who was unable to make it to lunch.
Every Burger Box (front)
This looks harmless… and it looks like whatever is in there, there are two of them.
Every Burger Box (back)
Looks like we have been tricked as this is a product of Japan. Oh well. The first two ingredients are flour and sugar, we believe our hero is safe. But wait? What's this?
Rapeseed Oil? Gross. Good thing it is only mildly toxic to humans.
Upon opening the box we find two foil sealed packets and some kind of warning on the flap.
I had my good friend Arata Isozaki translate the text on the flap.
Opening the foil reveals… eight, cute little burgers!
This photo illustrates the smallness of the burger and the largeness of the hair on Erik’s arm which migrated down from his scalp.
Erik eats the burger and to his delight…
IT’S DELICIOUS!
They taste like Kit-Kats with a slightly gritty, but inoffensive, texture.
Thanks Erik! And thank you to the Mid-Ohio Poison Control and Stomach Pumping Facility.
NEXT WEEK: Taint Berries
Every Burger Box (front)
This looks harmless… and it looks like whatever is in there, there are two of them.
Every Burger Box (back)
Looks like we have been tricked as this is a product of Japan. Oh well. The first two ingredients are flour and sugar, we believe our hero is safe. But wait? What's this?
Rapeseed Oil? Gross. Good thing it is only mildly toxic to humans.
Upon opening the box we find two foil sealed packets and some kind of warning on the flap.
I had my good friend Arata Isozaki translate the text on the flap.
Opening the foil reveals… eight, cute little burgers!
This photo illustrates the smallness of the burger and the largeness of the hair on Erik’s arm which migrated down from his scalp.
Erik eats the burger and to his delight…
IT’S DELICIOUS!
They taste like Kit-Kats with a slightly gritty, but inoffensive, texture.
Thanks Erik! And thank you to the Mid-Ohio Poison Control and Stomach Pumping Facility.
NEXT WEEK: Taint Berries
Venus al la Orange
I took this photo in 1993 in Valencia Spain. Someone stuck two oranges on top this statue.
Let me tell you first hand that the oranges directly from the trees in Valencia taste like crap.
My conversation with i_heart_erie
This series of comments was to irresistible not to put into an article. This stems from a “news” piece I posted about Ohio legislators voting to change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Ohio. A reader named “i_heart_erie” was a bit taken aback by the story. The following is our exchange verbatim from the comments section.
i_heart_erie said...
First off, I know this is a bunch of crap! Lets really think this through... 1. Lake Erie is all that Erie has, don't take that away from us. If it wasn't for the lake, noone would know where the hell Erie was. B. What would the 4 Erie counties call themselves? Would they all change their names? Would there be an Ohio county in NY, PA, OH and MI? Now that doesn't make much sense... and III. Why would Ohio want to lay claim to a body of water that has given the major towns and cities that not only feed off of its water supply but take a refreshing dip in it during the hot, humid dog days of summer a 70% higher cancer rate than the rest of the nation. OK O-H-I-O, if you are stupid enough to consider spelling your state a great cheer for a god awful university, I guess you are stupid enough to believe this is ever going to happen!
Doug said...
Erie, PA is the armpit of Pennsylvania. If you guys didn't have that one gas station there, no one would even bother to stop.
So quit your bitching. You sound like some whiny sorority girl from Indiana University.
i_heart_erie said...
Erie is not an armpit, it is the 4th largest city in Pennsylvania. And you should know about armpits coming from Lancaster, OH.
Just for your information, I was not a sorority girl. But you do sound like one of those dip-shits who joined a frat just for those special circle jerk masturbation parties where you all are trying to jizz on the same piece of the house mom's homemade bread.
Doug said...
Being the 4th largest city in Pennslyvania is like being the fourth least retarded kid in school.
Hey, at least I can claim that I could go to a school within 100 miles of my hometown. I didn't need to take the greyhound bus 850 miles to find somewhere that would accept me.
And I would never call you house mom's homemade bread... those stories from your college past are safe with all 225 guys.
i_heart_erie said...
Look here buddy... I got accepted into 9 different colleges. I did not even apply to any Ohio schools because the education that you find there only rivals those retard junior colleges that you find next to big schools in other states.
Also, you might want to check your math because last time I drove it, IU was only 465 miles away from Erie. You might want to grab a calculator next time you are doing math... but wait thats right normal mathematical rules don't apply to you since you are from an area that contains so much incestually caused brain damage that the local schools had to change the text books so that 2+2 can actually equal 6.
I will take credit for the 225 guys only if you take the credit for the 657 men putting their wangs in your poopshoot so violently that you left college with an outstretched asshole and huge, saggy, wrinkled balls (that one is for you Juan)!
Doug said...
Erie, you turd pile vaginal cramp. The reason it was 850 miles for you is that you would get two-thirds way there and remember that you forgot to fill up with gas and so you would drive back home to get gas.
And so what if I take it in the ass? It kept you mom employed for the first 14 years of her life, don't mock it.
And when you say accepted into nine schools, that's because you kept looping around the board in the game of LIFE.
So fill that fucking 6 seater plastic car with the pink and blue pegs you stretched out vagina, food stamp spending biatch... cause it only costs an extra $20 to get a conveyor belt installed in your womb, just like every other ten cent whore in Erie.
{I have not heard back from erie since.}
i_heart_erie said...
First off, I know this is a bunch of crap! Lets really think this through... 1. Lake Erie is all that Erie has, don't take that away from us. If it wasn't for the lake, noone would know where the hell Erie was. B. What would the 4 Erie counties call themselves? Would they all change their names? Would there be an Ohio county in NY, PA, OH and MI? Now that doesn't make much sense... and III. Why would Ohio want to lay claim to a body of water that has given the major towns and cities that not only feed off of its water supply but take a refreshing dip in it during the hot, humid dog days of summer a 70% higher cancer rate than the rest of the nation. OK O-H-I-O, if you are stupid enough to consider spelling your state a great cheer for a god awful university, I guess you are stupid enough to believe this is ever going to happen!
Doug said...
Erie, PA is the armpit of Pennsylvania. If you guys didn't have that one gas station there, no one would even bother to stop.
So quit your bitching. You sound like some whiny sorority girl from Indiana University.
i_heart_erie said...
Erie is not an armpit, it is the 4th largest city in Pennsylvania. And you should know about armpits coming from Lancaster, OH.
Just for your information, I was not a sorority girl. But you do sound like one of those dip-shits who joined a frat just for those special circle jerk masturbation parties where you all are trying to jizz on the same piece of the house mom's homemade bread.
Doug said...
Being the 4th largest city in Pennslyvania is like being the fourth least retarded kid in school.
Hey, at least I can claim that I could go to a school within 100 miles of my hometown. I didn't need to take the greyhound bus 850 miles to find somewhere that would accept me.
And I would never call you house mom's homemade bread... those stories from your college past are safe with all 225 guys.
i_heart_erie said...
Look here buddy... I got accepted into 9 different colleges. I did not even apply to any Ohio schools because the education that you find there only rivals those retard junior colleges that you find next to big schools in other states.
Also, you might want to check your math because last time I drove it, IU was only 465 miles away from Erie. You might want to grab a calculator next time you are doing math... but wait thats right normal mathematical rules don't apply to you since you are from an area that contains so much incestually caused brain damage that the local schools had to change the text books so that 2+2 can actually equal 6.
I will take credit for the 225 guys only if you take the credit for the 657 men putting their wangs in your poopshoot so violently that you left college with an outstretched asshole and huge, saggy, wrinkled balls (that one is for you Juan)!
Doug said...
Erie, you turd pile vaginal cramp. The reason it was 850 miles for you is that you would get two-thirds way there and remember that you forgot to fill up with gas and so you would drive back home to get gas.
And so what if I take it in the ass? It kept you mom employed for the first 14 years of her life, don't mock it.
And when you say accepted into nine schools, that's because you kept looping around the board in the game of LIFE.
So fill that fucking 6 seater plastic car with the pink and blue pegs you stretched out vagina, food stamp spending biatch... cause it only costs an extra $20 to get a conveyor belt installed in your womb, just like every other ten cent whore in Erie.
{I have not heard back from erie since.}
The 2008 Presidential Candidates: What will they look like in four years?
We've all seen how the Presidency can age someone. Here is a fast forward look as to what the Presidential Candidates might look like four years into the future.
Mitt Romney
John Edwards
Rudy Giuliani
John McCain
Barack Obama
Mike Huckabee
Ron Paul
Hillary Clinton
{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.
Mitt Romney
John Edwards
Rudy Giuliani
John McCain
Barack Obama
Mike Huckabee
Ron Paul
Hillary Clinton
{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.
The Perfect Museum Exhibit
In a recent survey, we asked a bunch of people what they thought archeology was. They said dinosaurs. So from our vast experience of people and what people like, we designed the perfect science museum exhibit based on what people like. And people like the following:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:
Anne's Plant
Here is Anne's plant:
While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.
I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.
While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.
I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.
Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus
Dear HolyJuan
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.
I need your help.
Thanks!
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?
I think we have found our culprit.
Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.
After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.
By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.
In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.
Otherwise, you’ll be fine.
Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.
Greg and Dad - Dick Cheney's Heart
{Greg and Dad is a cartoon segment of HolyJuan where Greg (aged 4 years)draws a cartoon and dad adds the caption.}
HolyJuan’s Predictions for 2008
OK, so none of my predictions for 2007 came true except for the “3. Bird Flu will not have an effect on the world’s population… this year,” prediction.
Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.
1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.
2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.
3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.
4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.
5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.
6. Calculator watches will come back in style.
7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.
8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.
9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.
10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.
Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.
1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.
2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.
3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.
4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.
5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.
6. Calculator watches will come back in style.
7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.
8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.
9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.
10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.
Giant Chicken or Taloned Beast Footprints on Mars
I'm not sure why everyone is so excited about the Bigfoot on Mars when in the same photo there are clear and undeniable chicken or "taloned beast" prints on the ground. NASA is slacking on the Photoshopping of their photos to cover up life on Mars.
I love it
Rich Silverstein of the celebrated advertising firm of Goodby and Silverstein may take the cake for the most audacious effort to win over a potential client when he pitched Isuzu Motors. Silverstein printed up flyers and had them placed in the windshields of Isuzu all over
The Art of Innovation
Tom Kelley
Beautiful...
mad max haiku
I use StatCounter to track my hits and to help me stalk the eight people who come to my site. StatCounter will also let me see what word searches people use to get here. Someone did a search on Google for “mad max haiku driving” and found my site.
So I thought I would help them out next time they do the search.
Alone with your car
Gasoline non-existent
Chainsaw guns are not
So I thought I would help them out next time they do the search.
Alone with your car
Gasoline non-existent
Chainsaw guns are not
Jung Personality Test Results - AHOL
I took a Jung Typology “personality test” and as it turns out they sum your life up in four letters. Here’s mine:
AHOL - "Egotistical Bastard". Extroverted, self-intellectual with a preference for telling others what their opinion is. A self loving hater and a destroyer of relationships. Fortunately, they only encompass only 0.02% of total population.
To outsiders, AHOLs may appear to project an aura of "egotistical bastardness", of complete self-confidence. This incredibly over the top self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for complicated arrogance by idiots, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most AHOLs start building right after the loss of virginity. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and AHOLs can have several (they know everything you do not)-- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, which they can’t because you are a complete mess. AHOLs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know, which is nothing.
AHOLs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest as long as they get something out of it. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is other people holding them back. You, especially.
AHOLs are known as the "Mind Fuck" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of cock blockedness and ruthless despair. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this though a verbal beat down; AHOLs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. In other words, you are dumb and you should get the fuck out of his way.
Probably the strongest AHOL assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to make others feel like complete idiots. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated verbal taunts, sketches of private parts and e-mails of a highly improper nature.
Is your Gay product guaranteed?
Don't be fooled by non-Gay products! Fill your mouth with the Safe, Sanitary and Sterilized Gay product. If it's not guaranteed... it's not Gay!
Contemporary Insantiy: Renovated, Invigorated and as Fresh as a Walk Down a Dirt Lane in Spring with Your Mom as Curtains Billow in the Background
Brandon is back from his eight week internship in Lagula, Uganda and the first thing he did (right after getting the twenty or so Bot Flies removed from his flesh) was to get his site Contemporary Insanity back up and running.
I highly suggest you go check it out. (And look up Bot Fly while you are at it so you can get COMPLETELY grossed out.)
If you remember, Contemporary Insanity was the first site to have full video of Jon Stewart's CNN Crossfire Appearance and will be the first site to have coverage of the 2010 Psychic and Mindreaders Convention building collapse.
I highly suggest you go check it out. (And look up Bot Fly while you are at it so you can get COMPLETELY grossed out.)
If you remember, Contemporary Insanity was the first site to have full video of Jon Stewart's CNN Crossfire Appearance and will be the first site to have coverage of the 2010 Psychic and Mindreaders Convention building collapse.
Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food
Dear Holy Juan~
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.
I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.
~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com
Dear ~Marcie,
The correct answer is Swedish Fish.
And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.
I hope this helps!
Your friend,
HolyJuan
Styling - With Mr. T
Mr. T shows us why most history books skip the years 1984 - 1987.
I also like at the end when Mr. T threatens the fashion designers with cannibalism.
Ask HolyJuan: Buttered Bun Etiquette
Dear Holy Juan~
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?
I eagerly await your answer.
Thanks!
~Marcie
Dear ~Marcie,
Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!
Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.
Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.
You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.
If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.
Now, run!!
That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.
And yes, you are welcome.
{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}
How to ruin your life
So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”
Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:
114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop
Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!
Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?
It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”
And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.
/gquit
Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.
You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.
Step nine: Get married
Obvious.
Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!
Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.
Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)
So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.
Note to self: buy Twizzlers.
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”
Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:
114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop
Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!
Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?
It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”
And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.
/gquit
Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.
You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.
Step nine: Get married
Obvious.
Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!
Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.
Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)
So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.
Note to self: buy Twizzlers.
The Church of Scientology Sued for Copyright Infringement
LOS ANGELES- By now, you probably have seen the slightly creepy, nine minute video of Tom Cruise discussing his infinite love of the Church of Scientology with the theme from Mission: Impossible looping every eight seconds 
in the background. As the video spread across the internet, the distraught Church of Scientology sent out several cease and desist letters claiming copyright infringement. A day after its release, it was taken down from YouTube and several other sites also stopped hosting the video. The litigious religious cult almost was able to cull the hype.
Apparently this has backfired. Not only has the mainstream media picked up the story and shown the video in its own endless loop, but Danny Elfman, who composed the music to Mission: Impossible, is also claiming copyright infringement for his music being used without his permission. That horrible, looping in the background of the video is copyrighted and Mr. Elfman has stated through his lawyer that permission to use the music was never granted. Mr. Elfman’s lawyer filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court this afternoon.
The Church of Scientology has not commented on the lawsuit. Danny Elfman's only comment was that he is in no way shape or form related to Jenna Elfman and requested that the media and blogosphere to please stop asking.
in the background. As the video spread across the internet, the distraught Church of Scientology sent out several cease and desist letters claiming copyright infringement. A day after its release, it was taken down from YouTube and several other sites also stopped hosting the video. The litigious religious cult almost was able to cull the hype.Apparently this has backfired. Not only has the mainstream media picked up the story and shown the video in its own endless loop, but Danny Elfman, who composed the music to Mission: Impossible, is also claiming copyright infringement for his music being used without his permission. That horrible, looping in the background of the video is copyrighted and Mr. Elfman has stated through his lawyer that permission to use the music was never granted. Mr. Elfman’s lawyer filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court this afternoon.
The Church of Scientology has not commented on the lawsuit. Danny Elfman's only comment was that he is in no way shape or form related to Jenna Elfman and requested that the media and blogosphere to please stop asking.
Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night
Dear HolyJuan,
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: Repeat last weeks answer and 1 Million Dollars
Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Try not to laugh
This is a game show from Japan. I'm not sure what the rules are but I DARE YOU not to laugh.
How they tow cars in Paris
When John and I were in Paris, we saw this:
The "tow truck" came along, the driver opened the illegally parked car with a Slim Jim, rolled down both windows, ran a chain through, hooked it to the crane, and then set the smaller car on top the other two he had on the flatbed.
The "tow truck" came along, the driver opened the illegally parked car with a Slim Jim, rolled down both windows, ran a chain through, hooked it to the crane, and then set the smaller car on top the other two he had on the flatbed.
*Figures sold separately
For $3,200 with $650 shipping, you'd think they could throw in a Han Solo or even a Storm Trooper. How 'bout a freakin Jawa?
If your interested, you can buy it here at FAO Schwarz:
Scambaiting again... (updated 1/10/08)
Scambaiting is the act of deceiving a scam artist. These guys are crooks and the more time I spend with them, the less there is for them to steal from old ladies. This time around, I’ve got a Mr. Koffi Allen who wants to share millions with me. Sadly, I am a bed ridden accident victim named Handsy Galore. (That sounds like a James Bond gay evil guy name.) Also look for my lawyer friend Dee Sknuts towards the end.
The e-mail is in order from top to bottom. Anything in {brackets} is my commentary. I edited down the first e-mail to save you a few agonizing minutes. {Each correspondence is broken up by a line.}
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From: koffiallen39@hotmail.fr
Subject: Revelational Claim.
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:43:56 +0300
Revelational Claim. Hello, I humbly appologise with every due respect for any embarrassment my action in contacting you might cause you. Owing to the fact that we do not know each other before. This is because of this ample opportunity before me to which I will never want us to loose. But for the fact that I cannot do it alone, I therefore wish to contact you for it. My name is (Mr. Koffi Allen) a citizen of this country{BLAH BLAH BLAH} Bear in mind that we have only but a limited time to get this deal acomplished. No room for delays.
Sincerely yours
Mr. Koffi Allen.
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From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 1:43 AM
To: koffiallenali@yahoo.de
Hello Mr. Koffi Allen,
Please to let me help you. I have freinds and bac up cashe to pay and such,
Signed,
Handsy Galore
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Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 10:31:45 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Friend ,
Thanks for your mail. I am a family man with three children. I am assuring you 100% risk free in this business in as long as you follow up my direction and instructions. As an insider here in the bank I shall be passing every necessary information to you accordingly for the smooth running and success of this transaction. I have done all the underground work for the success of this transaction.
As soon as I hear from you with the requested information below, I will be sending you an Application Letter Of Claim (ALOC) which you will be forwarding to the bank as the legitimate Next Of Kin to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq, so as to lay claims over the funds. Thereafter I shall be backing you up with every necessary information the bank may require of you in other to clarify your claim. However you will also bear in mind that on no account should you let the bank know that I am invlove in this very transaction. Ofcourse you should know that our success in this transaction depends on its confidentiality, therefore do keep this deal to yourself alone.
Feel free to contact me on phone for more discussion with this number 00226 7683 0414
I need the following information from you for us to proceed:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. OCCUPATION
3 POSITION
4. ADDRESS
5. AGE
6. TELEPHONE NUMBER
7. MARITAL STATUS
I wait to hear from you as soon as possible. Endeavour to respond to me through this very email id for an easy assessment of your mail.
Mr. Koffi Allen.
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From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 8:22 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Mr koffiali,
You return e-mail is thanks. Sorry for my typing is bad. I am bound in bed with head injery from car accident. Not my fault and the insurance money good. I could use more money and a freind.
Here is the answers:
I am Handsy Galore
I do not have job (car crash)
I do not have postion (car crash)
I live Friendship Villiage, a care home
5800 Forest Hills Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio 43231
Phone: (614) 890-xxxx
I am 39 years of age
My wife is dead from the crash, but i still consider self married to her soul
Please to not be afraid to type me even though I am injured. I could use a friend. Let me know to help with your situation.
I am soory but i cannot travel in my condition. As long as coorespondence is all that necessary, that is good.
Your new friend,
Handsy
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Dear Friend
Thanks so much for your mail and especially for needed information which you has forwarded to me.Sorry for such a fatal accident which you had. I know you will be better with my presence over there and as soon as you gradually follow up my advice everything will be successful. However considering the fact that I really would need this deal to be concluded in the nearest time possible, I am sending to you immediately ALOC. Application letter of Claim so that you can forward it to the bank immediately. Once you sends this letter to the bank using the bank's email account then try and let me know pls, so that I can be monitoring the movement of everything from here.
Thanks and remain blessed.
Mr. Koffi Allen
{This is a copy of the letter I am spose to send out… I do send it out and copy Mr. Allen.}
Below is the letter.
Attn: Dr.Richardson Compaore.
Director Foreign Remittance Dept.
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
Tel: 226 7066 0088
Email: boaremitdept3@excite.com
LETTER OF CLAIM
My name is Handsy Galore , I am writing to notify your bank the deposited fund of Fourty Seven Million United States Dollars deposited ($47,000,000.00) in your custody by my business associate Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq of blessed memory from Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia. The said fund was deposited on account No. 011976421134, retening no. 91002211.
I as the Next of Kin and business associate to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq is hereby putting claim over the said fund and required that this funds be transferred to my bank account which I will be forwarding to your bank on the approval of my application and readiness of the transfer of the my inheritance fund to my account. I will be very much happy if this my notification claim letter will be given an urgent attention and let me know the necessary requirements for the release of my inheritance fund to me without any delay.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours Faithfully.
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{The “bank” replies.}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
SIR,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS BANK HAVE RECEIVED YOUR APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM FOR THE ONWARD TRANSFER OF THE FUND FOURTY SEVEN MILLION U.S DOLLARS ($47,000.000.00) UNITED STATES DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN OUR BANK BY DR. YASSER TAYMULLAH MUWAFFAQ.
BASED ON THE RELATIONSHIP THAT EXISTED BETWEEN THE BANK'S BOARD OF DIRECTOR'S AND THE LATE CLIENT, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK DO WISHES TO SEND OUR CONDOLENCE MESSAGE TO YOU ON THE DEATH OF YOUR PARTNER. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE. DO ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY. WE HAD WAITED FOR HIS NEXT OF KIN EVER SINCE HIS DEATH, TO SAY WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS DEATH.
CONSQUENTLY, BASED ON PERSONAL RECOGNITION OF YOUR PARTNER WHO HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF OUR MOST RECOGNISED CUSTOMER THEN, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK SHALL BE HAVING A BRIEF MEETING IN THIS REGARD, THE OUTCOME OF THIS MEETING SHALL BE FACILITATED TO YOU IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS. ONCE AGAIN WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS UNTIMELY DEMISE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
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{Two hours flew by!}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR,
AFTER OUR MEETING IN REGARDS TO YOUR REQUEST FOR THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS ($47,000,000.00)FOURTY SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS, WE HEREIN ADVICE YOUR KIND SELF TO FORWARD THE APPROPRIATE ANSWERS TO THE GIVEN QUESTIONS TO OUR OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST VITAL MEANS THROUGH WHICH THE LEGITIMACY OF YOUR APPLICATION CAN BE PROVEN OTHERWISE. TO THAT NOTE, WE SHALL THEREBY COMMENCE FORTHWITH FOR THE APPROVAL OF YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER AFTERWARDS.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
{Here is the form.}
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{I reply to Mr. Allen}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Mon 12/24/07 8:54 AM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Security scan upon download Trend Micro ® logo
Attachments: BANK OF A...doc (48.2 KB)
Mr. Allen,
To not believe the money amount of 47 million! That is a lot of money.
The bank is sent me a form to fill out. Can you help me to fill the spaces?
How is weather is your country? We have snow and ice today. I can see frost on the window from bed. I sad I can not play in the snow.
When will you be in Ohio to visit me? I could use a visit.
Handsy
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Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail. I want to advice that you should take this business just as your own personal business because this is all I have depended on since all my service in this bank. Again, you should note that the bank might be carrying its private or personnal investigations by using the International investigative section which is a sub-section of the security department of the bank and as such any mail or any fax that you might receive from any individual relating transaction of this nature please and please, DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY WITHOUT FIRST CONTACTING ME, this is to avoide making mistakes because the security department of the bank is at alert. Pls do let me know immediately if your account can carry this amount without any problems?. Yes it is exactly $47Million. I shall be making my visit to ohio by the 2nd week of january 2008. The weather here is kind of normal, in the sense it is not as hot as it use to be. A little bit warm during the day while cold in the night. I think using a visit in the letter of invitation is very much ok by me.
Again my dear, I want you to know that once this funds is been transferred to your bank account I and my family shall be coming to meet with you in your country but I will first be visiting you alone, afterwards I shall go back to pick my family alongside with me once after we finalise the sharing of the money according to our agreed percentage terms. I have not even disclosed this matter to my wife. I intend to keep it secret until we finalise it, then it would be a surprise package to her and my children. Please my dear, I will want you to send a letter of invitation to me before this week ends so that I can quickly apply for my visa, because there is no much time left. I will take my leave immediately the money is been wired to your account. Since I am in the bank I will know when the money is transferred and I will resign my appointment immediately, and take off. I have already written my resignation letter, waiting only to submit it. I have already told the manager that I may be resigning my appointment very soon and he wanted to know why and I told him it is a personal family problems that prompted my resignation. After all my years of pain and sleepless nights, thinking on how best to carry out this task and now it is about becoming a success. You will never know how excited I am until we meet face to face.
Thanks and remain blessed my brother as I wait for your response urgently.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
Bellow are the ansewrs, forward it to the bank immediately.
1,Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq
2,Saudi Arabia Nationality.
3,Next Of Kin
4,68 years.
5, January 2002,He Died in a plane crash.
6,Self Employed,Import and Exports.
7,Yes.
8,YASSER INTERNATIONALE SARL IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.Registratioin No.11 B/F 000000081.
9,Fixed Deposit account.
10, Acc No : 011976421134, REF NO: 0.111555.000.
11,Yes.
12,Abeer Fawziya Muwaffaq.
13,Yes.
14,Three, Alia, Azeeza and Yasser, 2 girls and one boy.
15,1001 Avenue Du Azimmo,Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
State also your full name,addresse and occupation here as the bank demandded.
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{I was busy during the holidays and Mr. Allen is getting feisty.}
Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2007 11:52:26 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Handsy,
I have been seriously worried because I never heard from you for the past 2 days. You and I know the urgency which this very deal calls for. We do not need to entertain any atom of delay in this project. I would need to hear from you urgently. Have you sent the answers to the bank's question to them?
I shall expecting your mail asap.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
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{I looked up the real bank fax number on line and decide to give Mr. Allen a scare.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:25 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Mr. Allen,
It has being sent! I had my caretakr print the sheet. Hours it took me to fill it out as my hand is not steady.
I faxed it to the bank faxing machine.
The fax number on the sheet was not working so my caretaker was able to look up the bank on the internet and got a differnt number of faxing. 226 50308874 is what he said. I got a confirmation.
I will let you know as soon as the bank contancts me.
I cannot meet you at the airport so I will hoping that you can call me once you arrive in Ohio. Ask the front desk for my name!
Handsy
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{He’s pissed.}
Dear Friend,
In this very deal, you do not have to do things without my knowledge. If we must excute this deal together, then do exactly that which I asked you to, so as to avoid mistakes ok. Now send the document to the bank by email attachment. You should understand that this country is a french country and the department handling this matter is the foriegn remittance department of the bank. It is not the affairs of the entire bank, there is a particular department responsible for things of this nature.
As you may understand I am working with one of the bank's branch and not the headquater office. This very transaction is been masterminded by the same branch because that is where the late depositor made the deposit of his funds. My dear pls I plead with you not to contradict matters by doing things your own way. I contacted you for this deal and for that before anything do let me know.
Lastly go ahead and resend the answers by email attachment ok. I will be waiting to receive from you.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
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RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:17 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I are to be so sorry for this mystake whick I ave created. I was able to send my helper home and he has scanned the documnt so that it can be transfered via e-mail attchment.
I am soory I did not flow your directins exctly. I know this is a lot of meonye and very imortant.
I will send the e-mail to the back as an attachment as requested.
Plese to make your forginess as I want this to go smooth.
I have freiend in the taxi busineess that can help you when you come into Columbus in two weeks. Go to the taxi stand and ask for Johnny Two Sack. He is the leader of the taxi drivers and if you mention Handsy, he will give you a dicounted fare.
The e-mail to the bank with attchment to foolow.
Your friend,
Handsy
{Here is the attachment. Please note the handwriting. I wrote this upside down and left handed to make it as illegible as possible. Click to enlarge.}
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{Some how the "Bank" was able to read my gibberish handwriting and sent a message with some attachments. In the first one, they mention that I need to cough up $7,000 to reactivate the account.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 12/29/07 4:51 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
Attachments: BOA APPLI...doc (54.1 KB), BOA FUNDS...doc (51.5 KB)
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR
YOU ARE ADVICED HEREIN TO CHECK THE BOTH ATTACHED FILES AND CAREFULLY FOLLOW UP THE CONTAINED INFORMATION FOR YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
BOA Funds Reactivation Letter
.jpg)
BOA Funds Reactivation Application
.jpg)
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{I forward Mr. Allen the good news with a touch of bad news about my finances. I also include a photo of myself.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Sun 12/30/07 5:46 PM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
THis is grate news friend! A leeter was sent from the Bank and they acceptd mine applicaton.
The bad news is that they need $7,000. I have about $5000. CAn you paid for the other $2000? I can pay you back once I get the monies from the bank.
I am very much waiting to see you. Do you have a photo to sent to me? I have atthed mine.
Your best friend,
Handsy
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{Mr. Allen is very understanding about my money issues.}
From Mr. Koffi Allen From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 5:21 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Friend,
Thanks so much for your mail and thanks for sending across to me the bank's mail as well. Well I have heard what you said and that is why I have quickly auction out my car in other to raise the $2000 you asked me to provide. I have already sent my mother inlaw in the person of Mrs. Reine Atam to the bank with the $2000 and she called me 5 minutes ago that she has made this payment to the bank. Now after sending the balance of $5000 to the bank write to them to confirm to them that you are the one that sent your partner here in Burkina Faso in the person of Mrs Reine Atam with the $2000 to them. I told the woman to tell the bank that you are the one that sent her with the money, while I asked her to tell the bank that you will be paying the balance fews hrs later.
My dear you go ahead and send the balance to the bank immediately so that the bank will receive the full payment today. As you know tomorrow will be public holiday here. Do this now and get me informed. Pls I want to let you know that you should not under any circumstances tell the western union argent why you are sending the money. If you were asked for what purpose you are sending the money, tell them that you are sending the money to your cousin in Burkina Faso. The reason is because I do not want any one both here or over there to know anything related this very deal. Pls try to protect my interest as you can see everything is fast coming to a successful end. Therefore do not under any circumstances disclose the secret of this very deal to any one no matter what, until we archieve our aim. Am still working in the bank remember.
I saw your photo. It seems you had been sick before. Am sorry for that. I guess you are ok now. I hope to meet you sound and hearthy on my arrival soonest.
I am attaching my photo and that of my family as well.
Thanks and remain blessed as we hope to celebrate our victory in couple of days.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
{Wait a minute.. he said he had three children! I assume they sold the child to get the $2000.}
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BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 8:34 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT MRS. REINE ATAM HAS PAID THE SUM OF $2000.00 ON YOUR BEHALF 4 HOURS AGO. WE ARE WAITING HEREIN FOR THE BALANCE OF THE $5000.00 FROM YOUR KIND SELF AS SHE MADE US TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE BALANCE WILL BE PAID BY YOUR KINDSELF AT THE SAME TIME. ONCE THIS IS DONE WE SHALL COMMENCE FORTHWITH ON THE RE-ACTIVATION OF YOUR ACCOUNT.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
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{I really hate to disappoint my faithful readers, but this scam needed to come to a close. So sadly, this is a letter to Mr. Allen from Handsy's attorney, Dee Sknuts.
Dear Mr. Allen,
My name is Ms. Sknuts and I represent Mr. Handsy Galore.
It is with the saddest of news that I must tell you that Handsy Galore died on Monday December 31st of 2007. He slipped on a bed pan and received what the doctors call a triple concussion. They tried everything to save his life, including a taint transplant, but alas... he is dead.
As the executor of his will, I am put with the task of working through his finances. He was in the process of completing a transaction for you, but because he did not make it to the bank in time, I am unable to continue the process and must follow the rule of law.
I have attached the headline from the local newspaper. Handsy was a hero and we will all miss him. We are glad he had such a good friend in you.
Thank you for your time and best of luck.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{OK, so I lied... I kept going, now with Handsy dead, the lawyer, Dee Sknuts is getting into the game. Koffi ignored the first letter from the lawyer and sent this concerned e-mail.}
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 3:47 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Brother,
How are you today?. Honestly I had been seriously disturbed because today is friday and yet I never heard from you. What is going on. I mean what is delaying this payment. You know I have paid 2000dollars already and you should not in any wise keep the bank waiting for the balance. The bank has been assured that the balance would be provided by you at the same time otherwise the bank would not have collected the 2000dollars from my mother inlaw. They do not accept part payment on account re-activation. They accepted this because Mrs Reine Atam assured them that the balance will be sent to them at the same time. Why are you keeping this delays. What is happening? Am confused for your silence. Pls do not let the bank wait for you any further because it will not be healthy enough. If you had been paid the balance of the 5000dollars before now, then we should have been expecting the arrival of this funds into your bank account by now. My dear I am having sleepless nights over this matter and I really needs you to act now, since we have no time to waste further. I should have applied for my visa by now but I cant do this until this funds is been transferred to your bank account. I have already written my resignation letter but I cant submit it either until this funds is been wired into your bank account. I hope you understand the state I am at the present.
Thanks for your understanding as I expect goodnews immediately.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
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{I sent back a "form letter" response.}
From: Dee Sknuts
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 7:51 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
**Automated return**
Please contact Ms. Sknuts for any issues concerning the late Mr. Galsore's estate at deesknuts@gmail.com.
Thank you.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
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{I then sent this letter directly to the "bank" from Dee Sknuts. Note the "lawyer" talk.}
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 8:14 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To whom it may concern,
My name is Dee Sknuts and I am a lawyer in the United States of America. My client, Handsy Galore, recently passed away and is unable to complete this transaction. I am handling his accounts and transactions.
There is a second party, of which I cannot name due to client privilege, who was interested in assisting with this transaction completion. Because this person was a friend of Mr. Handsy Galore, I would be interested in assisting them with the collection of the monies due.
Is there a writ of corpus or style of vag that could be accomplished so that this second party could collect the funds due to Mr. Handsy? I am capable of releasing Mr. Handsy's funds to assist the unnamed party as long as this second person can rename nameless.
Please forward any other e-mails to my work address at xxxx@gmail.com as this address will be deleted soon. If you can e-mail me a letter which states that Mr. Handsy's "habeus corpus" can be forwarded, then I can assist in completing this transaction.
IF YOU KNOW OF THE SECOND PARTY, DO NOT CONTACT THEM AS THIS WILL BE AGAINST MY PERSONAL CODE OF LIABILITY.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The bank replies to the lawyer.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 3:55 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
WE ARE AT THE VERGE OF TRANSFERRING THE FUNDS INTO THE DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT OF MR. HANDSY GALORE AND NOW HIS SUDDEN DEATH. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE OF YOUR PARTNER MR. HANDSY GALORE. HOWEVER WE HAVE NOTHING WHATSOVER TO DEAL WITH ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT IF YOU PROVES TO US THAT HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS AUTHORISED YOU TO RECEIVE HIS FUNDS ON HIS BEHALF IN CASES OF DEATH LIKE THIS, THEN WE SHALL BE MAKING THE TRANSFER INTO YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT AS YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FORWARD SAME TO US WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. BEAR IN MIND THAT THE BALANCE AMOUNT OF $5,000.00 MUST BE PAID IN OTHER TO RE-ACTIVATE THE ACCOUNT BEFORE THE TRANSFER.
BE REMINDED HEREIN THAT WE SHALL NOT BE ENTERTAINING ANY OTHERS ON THE CONTRATRY. TO THAT EFFECT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FOLLOW CAREFULLY THE ABOVE INSTRUCTION AS ANYTHING ELSE ON THE CONTRARY SHALL NOT
BE CONDOLDED. WE MAY NOT RESPOND TO ANY OTHER MAIL THAT IS NOT IN LINE WITH OUR INSTRUCTION ABOVE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
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{The lawyer sends Koffi a letter about re-paying the 2K plus a finders fee.}
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 8:28 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Sir,
I spoke to the bank and in respect to your and your family, I did not mention your name.
I will tell you this. This money was due to Mr. Handsy and Mr. Handsy alone and it seems unlawful that you were attempting to take a cut of this.
You have proven your faith by putting down $2,000 dollars of your own money. In that, my law firm is willing to pay you back the $2,000 as well as a $1,000 "finders fee."
We cannot send a check, but we can do a wire transfer. Please forward your information to xxx@gmail.com and we will reimburse you for your troubles.
Please do not interfere in our business and we will not tell the bank of your bad intentions.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 1/07/08 4:09 AM
Dear Friend
If you wish to give me the $2000 then send it to me through western union money transfer. Send it with my name. Mr. Koffi Allen. This is Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso. Do this and let me know. If you cant sent send through western union then forget it pls.
Thanks
Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Attention Mr. Koffi Allen,
We cannot not do a money order. We can only do a wire transfer.
We find it odd that you would give up $2,000.00 so easily. Are you so rich that you do not need the money? Please explain yourself.
We are still waiting for some paperwork to be processed to access the 14 million dollars you so kindly found for Mr. Galore. We would like to reward you, but if you are not interested in the money, we will not pursue to get it to you via wire transfer. If you are under scrutiny we can forward the money to another bank account under a different name.
Thank you for your time,
Dee Sknuts
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{I got pissed that Koffi did not reply to my letter so I decide to rat him out to the"bank.}
Sent: Wed 1/09/08 9:39 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sirs,
I must bring it to your attention that one of your bank employees is attempting to trick you. His name is Koffi Allen and he has been attempting to steal money from my late client Mr. Handsy Galore.
Mr. Allen secretly contacted Mr. Galore and offered to split monies with him.
I believe that Mr. Allen is going to try this again with some of your other customers.
Please check into this fellow as I believe his will attempt to disrupt our transaction.
I hate to tell you this, but in the face of honesty, it is a necessity.
Dee Sknuts
Representing Handsy Galore
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 3:03 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To:
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE THIS GREAT INFORMATION. WE SHALL HAVE MR. KOFFI ALLEN THOROUGHLY INVESTIGATED AND ONCE YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST WERE PROVEN TO BE CORRECT THEN HE SHALL BE PENALISED WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. IF YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM WERE PROVEN TO BE TRUE THEN I FEEL SO SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE AFTER BEEN DISMISSED FROM THE BANK, HE SHALL SERVE FOR ANOTHER 2 YEARS IN JAIL. QUITE UNFORTUNATE I MUST SAY FOR A MAN OF HIS CALIBRE TO GET HIMSELF MESSED UP THIS WAY. TOO BAD. I DO HAVE REASONS TO BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE HIS ACTIONS AND WORKING ZEAL HAS CHANGED RECENTLY BUT UNTIL WE HAVE CONCRETE EVIDENCE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
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{The lawyer thanks the bank and starts to set up a chance for the lawyer to cash in.}
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 11:26 AM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
I am glad to see that this is going to be taken care of. Anyone who would cheat and steal must go to jail, don't you agree.
In other news, Mr. Galore's family is NOT interested in attempting to retrieve the funds which are due to Mr. Handsy Galore. I tried to speak to them about coming up with the $5000 dollars, but they are too interested in splitting up his remaining funds.
It's too bad we could not work something out. As his lawyer, it would not be legal for me to take over the account. Unless you are willing to keep this and the paperwork private, we sadly must end this discussion.
Yours,
Dee Sknuts
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{The lawyer sticks it to Koffi.}
RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:43 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I'll have you know that I made the bank aware of your treachery and they are going to start an investigation.
Now all the money will be mine and I will not have to split it with you!! In fact, I was able to come up with the money without the help of Mr. Handsy's family and I will be taking the money for my OWN! I told them this was a scam and they believed it. Now the money is MINE!
This is what you get!
Don't bother forwarding this message on to the bank as they will not believe you anymore after your treachery. Please tell your wife I said hello!!
Your friend,
Dee
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{The lawyer warns the bank about Koffi and pretends it was Koffi that started it all.}
RE: BANK OF AFRICA
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:47 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sir,
I have an understanding that Mr. Koffi Allen is going to try and disparage me. I do not know how he found out I was the one who turned him into you, but I assume he is going to start to make false lies and half truths about me and my credentials.
PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM.
I have the money gathered for the account. Please let me know if we can do a wire transfer.
Thank you for your understanding,
Dee Sknuts
{I'm sure there will be more to come. Stay RSS'd.}
The e-mail is in order from top to bottom. Anything in {brackets} is my commentary. I edited down the first e-mail to save you a few agonizing minutes. {Each correspondence is broken up by a line.}
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From: koffiallen39@hotmail.fr
Subject: Revelational Claim.
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:43:56 +0300
Revelational Claim. Hello, I humbly appologise with every due respect for any embarrassment my action in contacting you might cause you. Owing to the fact that we do not know each other before. This is because of this ample opportunity before me to which I will never want us to loose. But for the fact that I cannot do it alone, I therefore wish to contact you for it. My name is (Mr. Koffi Allen) a citizen of this country{BLAH BLAH BLAH} Bear in mind that we have only but a limited time to get this deal acomplished. No room for delays.
Sincerely yours
Mr. Koffi Allen.
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From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 1:43 AM
To: koffiallenali@yahoo.de
Hello Mr. Koffi Allen,
Please to let me help you. I have freinds and bac up cashe to pay and such,
Signed,
Handsy Galore
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Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 10:31:45 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Friend ,
Thanks for your mail. I am a family man with three children. I am assuring you 100% risk free in this business in as long as you follow up my direction and instructions. As an insider here in the bank I shall be passing every necessary information to you accordingly for the smooth running and success of this transaction. I have done all the underground work for the success of this transaction.
As soon as I hear from you with the requested information below, I will be sending you an Application Letter Of Claim (ALOC) which you will be forwarding to the bank as the legitimate Next Of Kin to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq, so as to lay claims over the funds. Thereafter I shall be backing you up with every necessary information the bank may require of you in other to clarify your claim. However you will also bear in mind that on no account should you let the bank know that I am invlove in this very transaction. Ofcourse you should know that our success in this transaction depends on its confidentiality, therefore do keep this deal to yourself alone.
Feel free to contact me on phone for more discussion with this number 00226 7683 0414
I need the following information from you for us to proceed:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. OCCUPATION
3 POSITION
4. ADDRESS
5. AGE
6. TELEPHONE NUMBER
7. MARITAL STATUS
I wait to hear from you as soon as possible. Endeavour to respond to me through this very email id for an easy assessment of your mail.
Mr. Koffi Allen.
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From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/21/07 8:22 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Mr koffiali,
You return e-mail is thanks. Sorry for my typing is bad. I am bound in bed with head injery from car accident. Not my fault and the insurance money good. I could use more money and a freind.
Here is the answers:
I am Handsy Galore
I do not have job (car crash)
I do not have postion (car crash)
I live Friendship Villiage, a care home
5800 Forest Hills Boulevard
Columbus, Ohio 43231
Phone: (614) 890-xxxx
I am 39 years of age
My wife is dead from the crash, but i still consider self married to her soul
Please to not be afraid to type me even though I am injured. I could use a friend. Let me know to help with your situation.
I am soory but i cannot travel in my condition. As long as coorespondence is all that necessary, that is good.
Your new friend,
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Friend
Thanks so much for your mail and especially for needed information which you has forwarded to me.Sorry for such a fatal accident which you had. I know you will be better with my presence over there and as soon as you gradually follow up my advice everything will be successful. However considering the fact that I really would need this deal to be concluded in the nearest time possible, I am sending to you immediately ALOC. Application letter of Claim so that you can forward it to the bank immediately. Once you sends this letter to the bank using the bank's email account then try and let me know pls, so that I can be monitoring the movement of everything from here.
Thanks and remain blessed.
Mr. Koffi Allen
{This is a copy of the letter I am spose to send out… I do send it out and copy Mr. Allen.}
Below is the letter.
Attn: Dr.Richardson Compaore.
Director Foreign Remittance Dept.
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
Tel: 226 7066 0088
Email: boaremitdept3@excite.com
LETTER OF CLAIM
My name is Handsy Galore , I am writing to notify your bank the deposited fund of Fourty Seven Million United States Dollars deposited ($47,000,000.00) in your custody by my business associate Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq of blessed memory from Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia. The said fund was deposited on account No. 011976421134, retening no. 91002211.
I as the Next of Kin and business associate to Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq is hereby putting claim over the said fund and required that this funds be transferred to my bank account which I will be forwarding to your bank on the approval of my application and readiness of the transfer of the my inheritance fund to my account. I will be very much happy if this my notification claim letter will be given an urgent attention and let me know the necessary requirements for the release of my inheritance fund to me without any delay.
Thanks for your co-operation.
Yours Faithfully.
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{The “bank” replies.}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
SIR,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT THIS BANK HAVE RECEIVED YOUR APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM FOR THE ONWARD TRANSFER OF THE FUND FOURTY SEVEN MILLION U.S DOLLARS ($47,000.000.00) UNITED STATES DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN OUR BANK BY DR. YASSER TAYMULLAH MUWAFFAQ.
BASED ON THE RELATIONSHIP THAT EXISTED BETWEEN THE BANK'S BOARD OF DIRECTOR'S AND THE LATE CLIENT, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK DO WISHES TO SEND OUR CONDOLENCE MESSAGE TO YOU ON THE DEATH OF YOUR PARTNER. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE. DO ACCEPT OUR SYMPATHY. WE HAD WAITED FOR HIS NEXT OF KIN EVER SINCE HIS DEATH, TO SAY WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS DEATH.
CONSQUENTLY, BASED ON PERSONAL RECOGNITION OF YOUR PARTNER WHO HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF OUR MOST RECOGNISED CUSTOMER THEN, WE THE BOARD OF THE DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK SHALL BE HAVING A BRIEF MEETING IN THIS REGARD, THE OUTCOME OF THIS MEETING SHALL BE FACILITATED TO YOU IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS. ONCE AGAIN WE ARE SORRY FOR HIS UNTIMELY DEMISE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
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{Two hours flew by!}
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR,
AFTER OUR MEETING IN REGARDS TO YOUR REQUEST FOR THE IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF THE FUNDS ($47,000,000.00)FOURTY SEVEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS, WE HEREIN ADVICE YOUR KIND SELF TO FORWARD THE APPROPRIATE ANSWERS TO THE GIVEN QUESTIONS TO OUR OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST VITAL MEANS THROUGH WHICH THE LEGITIMACY OF YOUR APPLICATION CAN BE PROVEN OTHERWISE. TO THAT NOTE, WE SHALL THEREBY COMMENCE FORTHWITH FOR THE APPROVAL OF YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER AFTERWARDS.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
{Here is the form.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I reply to Mr. Allen}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Mon 12/24/07 8:54 AM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Security scan upon download Trend Micro ® logo
Attachments: BANK OF A...doc (48.2 KB)
Mr. Allen,
To not believe the money amount of 47 million! That is a lot of money.
The bank is sent me a form to fill out. Can you help me to fill the spaces?
How is weather is your country? We have snow and ice today. I can see frost on the window from bed. I sad I can not play in the snow.
When will you be in Ohio to visit me? I could use a visit.
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail. I want to advice that you should take this business just as your own personal business because this is all I have depended on since all my service in this bank. Again, you should note that the bank might be carrying its private or personnal investigations by using the International investigative section which is a sub-section of the security department of the bank and as such any mail or any fax that you might receive from any individual relating transaction of this nature please and please, DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY WITHOUT FIRST CONTACTING ME, this is to avoide making mistakes because the security department of the bank is at alert. Pls do let me know immediately if your account can carry this amount without any problems?. Yes it is exactly $47Million. I shall be making my visit to ohio by the 2nd week of january 2008. The weather here is kind of normal, in the sense it is not as hot as it use to be. A little bit warm during the day while cold in the night. I think using a visit in the letter of invitation is very much ok by me.
Again my dear, I want you to know that once this funds is been transferred to your bank account I and my family shall be coming to meet with you in your country but I will first be visiting you alone, afterwards I shall go back to pick my family alongside with me once after we finalise the sharing of the money according to our agreed percentage terms. I have not even disclosed this matter to my wife. I intend to keep it secret until we finalise it, then it would be a surprise package to her and my children. Please my dear, I will want you to send a letter of invitation to me before this week ends so that I can quickly apply for my visa, because there is no much time left. I will take my leave immediately the money is been wired to your account. Since I am in the bank I will know when the money is transferred and I will resign my appointment immediately, and take off. I have already written my resignation letter, waiting only to submit it. I have already told the manager that I may be resigning my appointment very soon and he wanted to know why and I told him it is a personal family problems that prompted my resignation. After all my years of pain and sleepless nights, thinking on how best to carry out this task and now it is about becoming a success. You will never know how excited I am until we meet face to face.
Thanks and remain blessed my brother as I wait for your response urgently.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
Bellow are the ansewrs, forward it to the bank immediately.
1,Dr. Yasser Taymullah Muwaffaq
2,Saudi Arabia Nationality.
3,Next Of Kin
4,68 years.
5, January 2002,He Died in a plane crash.
6,Self Employed,Import and Exports.
7,Yes.
8,YASSER INTERNATIONALE SARL IMPORT AND EXPORT COMPANY
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA-FASO.Registratioin No.11 B/F 000000081.
9,Fixed Deposit account.
10, Acc No : 011976421134, REF NO: 0.111555.000.
11,Yes.
12,Abeer Fawziya Muwaffaq.
13,Yes.
14,Three, Alia, Azeeza and Yasser, 2 girls and one boy.
15,1001 Avenue Du Azimmo,Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.
State also your full name,addresse and occupation here as the bank demandded.
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{I was busy during the holidays and Mr. Allen is getting feisty.}
Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2007 11:52:26 +0100
From: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
Subject: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
To: Handsy Galore
Dear Handsy,
I have been seriously worried because I never heard from you for the past 2 days. You and I know the urgency which this very deal calls for. We do not need to entertain any atom of delay in this project. I would need to hear from you urgently. Have you sent the answers to the bank's question to them?
I shall expecting your mail asap.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
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{I looked up the real bank fax number on line and decide to give Mr. Allen a scare.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:25 AM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Mr. Allen,
It has being sent! I had my caretakr print the sheet. Hours it took me to fill it out as my hand is not steady.
I faxed it to the bank faxing machine.
The fax number on the sheet was not working so my caretaker was able to look up the bank on the internet and got a differnt number of faxing. 226 50308874 is what he said. I got a confirmation.
I will let you know as soon as the bank contancts me.
I cannot meet you at the airport so I will hoping that you can call me once you arrive in Ohio. Ask the front desk for my name!
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{He’s pissed.}
Dear Friend,
In this very deal, you do not have to do things without my knowledge. If we must excute this deal together, then do exactly that which I asked you to, so as to avoid mistakes ok. Now send the document to the bank by email attachment. You should understand that this country is a french country and the department handling this matter is the foriegn remittance department of the bank. It is not the affairs of the entire bank, there is a particular department responsible for things of this nature.
As you may understand I am working with one of the bank's branch and not the headquater office. This very transaction is been masterminded by the same branch because that is where the late depositor made the deposit of his funds. My dear pls I plead with you not to contradict matters by doing things your own way. I contacted you for this deal and for that before anything do let me know.
Lastly go ahead and resend the answers by email attachment ok. I will be waiting to receive from you.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Fri 12/28/07 8:17 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I are to be so sorry for this mystake whick I ave created. I was able to send my helper home and he has scanned the documnt so that it can be transfered via e-mail attchment.
I am soory I did not flow your directins exctly. I know this is a lot of meonye and very imortant.
I will send the e-mail to the back as an attachment as requested.
Plese to make your forginess as I want this to go smooth.
I have freiend in the taxi busineess that can help you when you come into Columbus in two weeks. Go to the taxi stand and ask for Johnny Two Sack. He is the leader of the taxi drivers and if you mention Handsy, he will give you a dicounted fare.
The e-mail to the bank with attchment to foolow.
Your friend,
Handsy
{Here is the attachment. Please note the handwriting. I wrote this upside down and left handed to make it as illegible as possible. Click to enlarge.}
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{Some how the "Bank" was able to read my gibberish handwriting and sent a message with some attachments. In the first one, they mention that I need to cough up $7,000 to reactivate the account.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 12/29/07 4:51 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
Attachments: BOA APPLI...doc (54.1 KB), BOA FUNDS...doc (51.5 KB)
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
SIR
YOU ARE ADVICED HEREIN TO CHECK THE BOTH ATTACHED FILES AND CAREFULLY FOLLOW UP THE CONTAINED INFORMATION FOR YOUR FUNDS TRANSFER.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION
DR. RICHARDSON COMPAORE
HELM OF AFFAIRS
FORIEGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA
OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.
BOA Funds Reactivation Letter
.jpg)
BOA Funds Reactivation Application
.jpg)
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{I forward Mr. Allen the good news with a touch of bad news about my finances. I also include a photo of myself.}
From: Handsy Galore
Sent: Sun 12/30/07 5:46 PM
To: allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr
THis is grate news friend! A leeter was sent from the Bank and they acceptd mine applicaton.
The bad news is that they need $7,000. I have about $5000. CAn you paid for the other $2000? I can pay you back once I get the monies from the bank.
I am very much waiting to see you. Do you have a photo to sent to me? I have atthed mine.
Your best friend,
Handsy
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{Mr. Allen is very understanding about my money issues.}
From Mr. Koffi Allen From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 5:21 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Friend,
Thanks so much for your mail and thanks for sending across to me the bank's mail as well. Well I have heard what you said and that is why I have quickly auction out my car in other to raise the $2000 you asked me to provide. I have already sent my mother inlaw in the person of Mrs. Reine Atam to the bank with the $2000 and she called me 5 minutes ago that she has made this payment to the bank. Now after sending the balance of $5000 to the bank write to them to confirm to them that you are the one that sent your partner here in Burkina Faso in the person of Mrs Reine Atam with the $2000 to them. I told the woman to tell the bank that you are the one that sent her with the money, while I asked her to tell the bank that you will be paying the balance fews hrs later.
My dear you go ahead and send the balance to the bank immediately so that the bank will receive the full payment today. As you know tomorrow will be public holiday here. Do this now and get me informed. Pls I want to let you know that you should not under any circumstances tell the western union argent why you are sending the money. If you were asked for what purpose you are sending the money, tell them that you are sending the money to your cousin in Burkina Faso. The reason is because I do not want any one both here or over there to know anything related this very deal. Pls try to protect my interest as you can see everything is fast coming to a successful end. Therefore do not under any circumstances disclose the secret of this very deal to any one no matter what, until we archieve our aim. Am still working in the bank remember.
I saw your photo. It seems you had been sick before. Am sorry for that. I guess you are ok now. I hope to meet you sound and hearthy on my arrival soonest.
I am attaching my photo and that of my family as well.
Thanks and remain blessed as we hope to celebrate our victory in couple of days.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
{Wait a minute.. he said he had three children! I assume they sold the child to get the $2000.}
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Mon 12/31/07 8:34 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To: Handsy Galore
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT MRS. REINE ATAM HAS PAID THE SUM OF $2000.00 ON YOUR BEHALF 4 HOURS AGO. WE ARE WAITING HEREIN FOR THE BALANCE OF THE $5000.00 FROM YOUR KIND SELF AS SHE MADE US TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE BALANCE WILL BE PAID BY YOUR KINDSELF AT THE SAME TIME. ONCE THIS IS DONE WE SHALL COMMENCE FORTHWITH ON THE RE-ACTIVATION OF YOUR ACCOUNT.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
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{I really hate to disappoint my faithful readers, but this scam needed to come to a close. So sadly, this is a letter to Mr. Allen from Handsy's attorney, Dee Sknuts.
Dear Mr. Allen,
My name is Ms. Sknuts and I represent Mr. Handsy Galore.
It is with the saddest of news that I must tell you that Handsy Galore died on Monday December 31st of 2007. He slipped on a bed pan and received what the doctors call a triple concussion. They tried everything to save his life, including a taint transplant, but alas... he is dead.
As the executor of his will, I am put with the task of working through his finances. He was in the process of completing a transaction for you, but because he did not make it to the bank in time, I am unable to continue the process and must follow the rule of law.
I have attached the headline from the local newspaper. Handsy was a hero and we will all miss him. We are glad he had such a good friend in you.
Thank you for your time and best of luck.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{OK, so I lied... I kept going, now with Handsy dead, the lawyer, Dee Sknuts is getting into the game. Koffi ignored the first letter from the lawyer and sent this concerned e-mail.}
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 3:47 AM
To: Handsy Galore
Dearest Brother,
How are you today?. Honestly I had been seriously disturbed because today is friday and yet I never heard from you. What is going on. I mean what is delaying this payment. You know I have paid 2000dollars already and you should not in any wise keep the bank waiting for the balance. The bank has been assured that the balance would be provided by you at the same time otherwise the bank would not have collected the 2000dollars from my mother inlaw. They do not accept part payment on account re-activation. They accepted this because Mrs Reine Atam assured them that the balance will be sent to them at the same time. Why are you keeping this delays. What is happening? Am confused for your silence. Pls do not let the bank wait for you any further because it will not be healthy enough. If you had been paid the balance of the 5000dollars before now, then we should have been expecting the arrival of this funds into your bank account by now. My dear I am having sleepless nights over this matter and I really needs you to act now, since we have no time to waste further. I should have applied for my visa by now but I cant do this until this funds is been transferred to your bank account. I have already written my resignation letter but I cant submit it either until this funds is been wired into your bank account. I hope you understand the state I am at the present.
Thanks for your understanding as I expect goodnews immediately.
Yours Mr. Koffi Allen.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I sent back a "form letter" response.}
From: Dee Sknuts
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 7:51 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
**Automated return**
Please contact Ms. Sknuts for any issues concerning the late Mr. Galsore's estate at deesknuts@gmail.com.
Thank you.
Dee Sknuts
Deewey, Cheetum and Howe Law Firm
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{I then sent this letter directly to the "bank" from Dee Sknuts. Note the "lawyer" talk.}
Sent: Fri 1/04/08 8:14 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To whom it may concern,
My name is Dee Sknuts and I am a lawyer in the United States of America. My client, Handsy Galore, recently passed away and is unable to complete this transaction. I am handling his accounts and transactions.
There is a second party, of which I cannot name due to client privilege, who was interested in assisting with this transaction completion. Because this person was a friend of Mr. Handsy Galore, I would be interested in assisting them with the collection of the monies due.
Is there a writ of corpus or style of vag that could be accomplished so that this second party could collect the funds due to Mr. Handsy? I am capable of releasing Mr. Handsy's funds to assist the unnamed party as long as this second person can rename nameless.
Please forward any other e-mails to my work address at xxxx@gmail.com as this address will be deleted soon. If you can e-mail me a letter which states that Mr. Handsy's "habeus corpus" can be forwarded, then I can assist in completing this transaction.
IF YOU KNOW OF THE SECOND PARTY, DO NOT CONTACT THEM AS THIS WILL BE AGAINST MY PERSONAL CODE OF LIABILITY.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The bank replies to the lawyer.}
BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 3:55 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
WE ARE AT THE VERGE OF TRANSFERRING THE FUNDS INTO THE DESIGNATED BANK ACCOUNT OF MR. HANDSY GALORE AND NOW HIS SUDDEN DEATH. WE SYMPATHISE WITH YOU FOR THIS GREAT LOSE OF YOUR PARTNER MR. HANDSY GALORE. HOWEVER WE HAVE NOTHING WHATSOVER TO DEAL WITH ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT IF YOU PROVES TO US THAT HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS AUTHORISED YOU TO RECEIVE HIS FUNDS ON HIS BEHALF IN CASES OF DEATH LIKE THIS, THEN WE SHALL BE MAKING THE TRANSFER INTO YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT AS YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FORWARD SAME TO US WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. BEAR IN MIND THAT THE BALANCE AMOUNT OF $5,000.00 MUST BE PAID IN OTHER TO RE-ACTIVATE THE ACCOUNT BEFORE THE TRANSFER.
BE REMINDED HEREIN THAT WE SHALL NOT BE ENTERTAINING ANY OTHERS ON THE CONTRATRY. TO THAT EFFECT YOU ARE EXPECTED TO FOLLOW CAREFULLY THE ABOVE INSTRUCTION AS ANYTHING ELSE ON THE CONTRARY SHALL NOT
BE CONDOLDED. WE MAY NOT RESPOND TO ANY OTHER MAIL THAT IS NOT IN LINE WITH OUR INSTRUCTION ABOVE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
{The lawyer sends Koffi a letter about re-paying the 2K plus a finders fee.}
Sent: Sat 1/05/08 8:28 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Dear Sir,
I spoke to the bank and in respect to your and your family, I did not mention your name.
I will tell you this. This money was due to Mr. Handsy and Mr. Handsy alone and it seems unlawful that you were attempting to take a cut of this.
You have proven your faith by putting down $2,000 dollars of your own money. In that, my law firm is willing to pay you back the $2,000 as well as a $1,000 "finders fee."
We cannot send a check, but we can do a wire transfer. Please forward your information to xxx@gmail.com and we will reimburse you for your troubles.
Please do not interfere in our business and we will not tell the bank of your bad intentions.
Thank you,
Dee Sknuts
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
Sent: Mon 1/07/08 4:09 AM
Dear Friend
If you wish to give me the $2000 then send it to me through western union money transfer. Send it with my name. Mr. Koffi Allen. This is Ouagadougou the capital city of Burkina Faso. Do this and let me know. If you cant sent send through western union then forget it pls.
Thanks
Mr. Koffi Allen
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Attention Mr. Koffi Allen,
We cannot not do a money order. We can only do a wire transfer.
We find it odd that you would give up $2,000.00 so easily. Are you so rich that you do not need the money? Please explain yourself.
We are still waiting for some paperwork to be processed to access the 14 million dollars you so kindly found for Mr. Galore. We would like to reward you, but if you are not interested in the money, we will not pursue to get it to you via wire transfer. If you are under scrutiny we can forward the money to another bank account under a different name.
Thank you for your time,
Dee Sknuts
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{I got pissed that Koffi did not reply to my letter so I decide to rat him out to the"bank.}
Sent: Wed 1/09/08 9:39 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sirs,
I must bring it to your attention that one of your bank employees is attempting to trick you. His name is Koffi Allen and he has been attempting to steal money from my late client Mr. Handsy Galore.
Mr. Allen secretly contacted Mr. Galore and offered to split monies with him.
I believe that Mr. Allen is going to try this again with some of your other customers.
Please check into this fellow as I believe his will attempt to disrupt our transaction.
I hate to tell you this, but in the face of honesty, it is a necessity.
Dee Sknuts
Representing Handsy Galore
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BANK OF AFRICA
From: Remit (boaremitdept3@excite.com)
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 3:03 AM
Reply-to: boaremitdept3@excite.com
To:
ATTN: MR. HANDSY GALORE
WE REALLY DO APPRECIATE THIS GREAT INFORMATION. WE SHALL HAVE MR. KOFFI ALLEN THOROUGHLY INVESTIGATED AND ONCE YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST WERE PROVEN TO BE CORRECT THEN HE SHALL BE PENALISED WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT. IF YOUR ACCUSATIONS AGAINST HIM WERE PROVEN TO BE TRUE THEN I FEEL SO SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE AFTER BEEN DISMISSED FROM THE BANK, HE SHALL SERVE FOR ANOTHER 2 YEARS IN JAIL. QUITE UNFORTUNATE I MUST SAY FOR A MAN OF HIS CALIBRE TO GET HIMSELF MESSED UP THIS WAY. TOO BAD. I DO HAVE REASONS TO BELIEVE YOU BECAUSE HIS ACTIONS AND WORKING ZEAL HAS CHANGED RECENTLY BUT UNTIL WE HAVE CONCRETE EVIDENCE.
THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
DR RICHARDSON COMPAORE
THE OVERALL DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS FOREIGN
REMITTANCE DIVISION BANK OF AFRICAN (BOA) HQ. BURKINA FASO ZONE.
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO
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{The lawyer thanks the bank and starts to set up a chance for the lawyer to cash in.}
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 11:26 AM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
I am glad to see that this is going to be taken care of. Anyone who would cheat and steal must go to jail, don't you agree.
In other news, Mr. Galore's family is NOT interested in attempting to retrieve the funds which are due to Mr. Handsy Galore. I tried to speak to them about coming up with the $5000 dollars, but they are too interested in splitting up his remaining funds.
It's too bad we could not work something out. As his lawyer, it would not be legal for me to take over the account. Unless you are willing to keep this and the paperwork private, we sadly must end this discussion.
Yours,
Dee Sknuts
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{The lawyer sticks it to Koffi.}
RE: From Mr. Koffi Allen.
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:43 PM
To: Koffi Allen (allenkoffiali@yahoo.fr)
I'll have you know that I made the bank aware of your treachery and they are going to start an investigation.
Now all the money will be mine and I will not have to split it with you!! In fact, I was able to come up with the money without the help of Mr. Handsy's family and I will be taking the money for my OWN! I told them this was a scam and they believed it. Now the money is MINE!
This is what you get!
Don't bother forwarding this message on to the bank as they will not believe you anymore after your treachery. Please tell your wife I said hello!!
Your friend,
Dee
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{The lawyer warns the bank about Koffi and pretends it was Koffi that started it all.}
RE: BANK OF AFRICA
From: Dee
Sent: Thu 1/10/08 7:47 PM
To: boaremitdept3@excite.com
Dear Sir,
I have an understanding that Mr. Koffi Allen is going to try and disparage me. I do not know how he found out I was the one who turned him into you, but I assume he is going to start to make false lies and half truths about me and my credentials.
PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM.
I have the money gathered for the account. Please let me know if we can do a wire transfer.
Thank you for your understanding,
Dee Sknuts
{I'm sure there will be more to come. Stay RSS'd.}
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