Erik and Doug go to Stu's 2009

The last time Erik and Doug went to Stu's it was 2006. We had unbelievable amounts of fun. There is something about going to Stu's that is almost magical. I cannot believe that it has taken us three years to go back. I'll illustrate with words and photos.

About six months ago, I asked Erik to go to Stu's with me. He said he was busy. I asked him to check his calendar. He said he would be free in August. So we set a date in September. We left work at 2:17pm on Thursday. Suggested arrival time was 5:17pm. We stopped once for gas and Swedish Fish. After exactly three hours, we arrived at Stu's place at 5:17pm. He met us at the end of his drive with his son, Oscar. Oscar is about 16 months old and a bundle of fun. We grabbed our bags, headed inside and sat down for a few beers.


Ann-Marie on the stairs with Erik and Stu below.


We had just searched the toy chest for Ann-Marie's missing wallet.


Ann-Marie with Oscar. Stu and Annmarie are expecting again in a few months.

In Indianapolis, you cannot buy beer cold. You have to buy it warm and either drink it warm or wait 45 minutes for it to cool down. Stu mentioned that in high school, his buddies would "roll beers" in a pan over a hot stove to cool them down quicker. It sounded just plausible enough to be bullshit, so we tried it out.

Test materials.


The rolling technique.


Scientific equipment.

We realized that unless we had a control, this experiment would be for naught, so we ended up drinking half cold beers (or half warm beers if you are British).

As we drank, we discussed what opportunities we had for the evening. Basically we were going to head to the Broad Ripple area and drink. That sounded like a plan. Stu mentioned that we would be taking bikes as to avoid drinking and driving. So we went down to his garage, selected three bikes (mine was called "The Mule") and we headed out.


Stu's bike for the evening. Made up of parts from four other bikes.


Three men and three bikes. It's hard to tell from this photo, but Erik's pedals were so close to the ground that they scraped when he turned.


Heading to town.


A photo for the insurance company to prove the bikes were actually there.

We started things off at the Broad Ripple Tavern. We initially pissed off the bartender when I offhandedly said "son of a bitch" until we realized he was fucking with us. We sat at the bar and ate wings and drank cheap beer. We called Shorty to apologize that we forgot to stop by and pick him up.


Stu talks with Shorty.


Doug and Stu. Stu's hat was obtained by trading hats with a prison sanitation worker.

In the back of the bar they had a Golden Tee 2009 on a huge screen. We waited for the two pros to finish up and I solidly beat Stu (who claimed he hadn't played in a while) and Erik (who claimed he had masturbator's wrist).


Cute waitress.

We were now completely loaded with beer and should have walked around the strip, but instead we got on our bikes and circled around for five minutes before Stu had us pull up to the back of some building. He said, "The Bikes are here!" and walked right in the back door. Erik followed. I followed.

That back door belonged (I found out later) to the Vogue Nightclub. A well known concert venue in Indianapolis. As I pulled in, Stu was putting his bike against the wall. Erik and I followed suit. There was a huge crowd of people in the place. It felt like they were in between acts. The guy at the back door politely asked us what the fuck we were doing. Stu said that we were told we could put our bikes back there and that they would be kept safe. The guy asked where our wristbands were. Stu said that we didn't need wristbands because we were with the band. The guy asked us who told us this. Stu turned to Erik and said, "What was the guy's name." Erik replied, "George." We were told that we would have to leave. And we did.


Our bikes in the back door of the Vogue Nightclub.


The bouncer wasn't having any of our bullshit story.

We grabbed our bikes and headed out, realizing that maybe we should have had a better story. Stu suggested that he could have used my HolyJuan business card to say he was a reporter. Because we didn't think we were ever going back, we told Stu that that sounded like a great idea.

Stu took us down some back alleys and we parked our bikes outside a, literally, back alley bar.

Back alley bar insurance photo.

There were a few very nice ladies coming out who took our photo.

Erik, Doug and Stu. I'm bending down so that Erik and Stu don't feel so short.

Inside this bar, we were greeted with an angry mob of people watching the IU game as they barely scraped by Eastern Kentucky. We were also greeted with a girl wearing a bra, so we sat down. There was some promotion going on that night and for some reason this chick had her shirt off to win a shirt. She did win the shirt and put it on, only to remove her pants. We hoped it was going to get very interesting, but that's about where it stopped. Stu bought $20 worth of pull tabs and we won $2.


Note that the girl on the far left barstool is not wearing pants. It was uncomfortable more than it was hot.


Douglas brand addiction.

We left the back alley bar and Stu took us back west again, this time to the front door of the Vogue Nightclub. Stu wanted to try the business card idea. Before he did that, we stopped and got photos of the bratwurst girl on Erik's bike.

Wait... is that a girl's bike?

Stu, once again, rode his bike in the door, this time in front. Erik stood by the door while I rode off in circles waiting for him to get kicked out. For a minute, it seemed like he might have succeeded, but soon he appeared, rejected, but not dejected.

Stu then took us off on a tour of the neighborhood he grew up in. We stopped at some tennis courts and rode around in circles for a few minutes. At one point, Erik and Stu dismounted to pee. A group of people walked by in the distance on one girl yelled, "Go suck dick in some other park!"

We left this park and during the next part of the ride, Stu's pant leg got caught in his chain. In trying to pull it out, he managed to tear the pants all the way up the seam.


Torn!


Underwear or nutsack?

The bike that I was riding, The Mule, had 15 gears but only one of them worked. I'm assuming it was 11th, because I had to pedal 170 times to Erik's 1. This meant that I was great on hills, but slow on the straight away. After the pant rippage, Stu and Erik took off and I was left in the dust. I actually lost them for a few minutes and caught up with them only after hearing their laughing in the distance. I followed their voices and suddenly I was entering a stadium with a track which was currently being raced around by Stu and Erik. Erik won.

Stu showed us some places he had graffiti-ed as a kid and then took us back to the bars. We stopped in a very popular place called the Mine Shaft, but there were way too many hipsters, so we went to Average Joe's, the bar next door.


Whole lot of hipsters with a whole lot of keys that don't open shit.

Average Joe's had an open front so we parked out bikes in front of the open front and ended up sitting in the open air portion right on the street. We planned on watching the bikes get stolen.

The next two hours were spent with Stu greeting and saying hello to everyone walking by us.

Hey!

How are you doing?

Looking good!

Hey pal!


Howdoyoudo?

And oddly enough, everyone either ignored us or were very pleasant in their response back.

Also in the bar were two ladies who did not run off as soon as we entered. We chatted them up a bit and we actually able to get them on Erik's bike for a photo op.


Lady friends.


Ladies with Erik on the bike. They feel special!

At some point, two of the people Stu said hello two walked by again and were very chatty. They were your run of the mill homeless punk teenagers who were having the time of their lives. Earlier when we saw them, they were carrying a stack of pizza boxes and said they had got them for free out of the dumpster. When they stopped by again, they were pizza-less, but Stu inquired about the pizzas. The homeless guys were a bit put off by the current status of the pizza as they left them lying in the street. Stu said he would give them $5 if they would get a box. They reiterated that the pizza was on the street. Stu reiterated that he didn't care and would give them $5 for pizza that even homeless people wouldn't eat.

They ran off.

They returned a few minutes later with a box, filled with a lot of pizza.

Homeless Pizza Delivery Service

Before the homeless guys took off with thier cash, we made sure to get a photo of them on the bike with Erik. While the homeless guys thought this was awesome, the chicks sitting behind us were put off that they were about as special as the two homeless dudes.


Oh my f'ing god that's disgusting!


DON'T DO IT!

Lucky for all of us, the bouncer told Erik that outside food was not allowed and Erik took the box away.


Sorry.


Happiest dudes in the world.

We ended up pawning our girls off to two other guys who had been standing in line for the Mine Shaft. I said, "Why stand in line when there are two ladies right here?" And the two dudes checked them out, shrugged, came in our bar and swept these girls off their feet.

Our job done, we headed home back to Stu's. By now the beers were actually cold and we sat on his porch and re-lived the the nights events and past nights long gone.

In the end, this trip matched all the others. Drunkenness. Spontaneity. Laughs. Random shit. I'm not sure if you have a Stu in your life, but I highly suggest you get one.

I hope that we do not wait three years to do this again.

Thanks, Stu.

Josh is a big winner

Josh and Sarah invited us out to Scioto Downs for some local ponies racing entertainment.

I lost $40.

Josh walked off with $200+ by the end of the night. Here was his big $166 winner on a $4 bet:


The big winner himself:

Tire Change

A few weeks ago, I was leaving work to go fight a parking ticket (I won) when I noticed my rear, driver's side tire was flat. In a panic, I borrowed Erik's car and drove over to my hearing.

As I was filled with "beat the system" bravado back at the office, I mentioned to Josh that I was a pretty good tire changer. He did not doubt me. I said that I could change a tire in about three minutes. Now he doubted me. He said seven minutes, six on a good day. Erik agreed. Sopressata agreed to take photos.

We set about to finding out if it was a good day or not.

The rules were that the clock started when I stuck my key in the trunk and it would stop when everything was in the trunk and the lid was shut.

On my mark:

By the way, that is a sucker stick and not a Virginia Slim.


And he's off...


Remember to loosen the bolts while the tire is still on the ground.


Luckily the bald spot is on the back of my head where I don't notice it.


Hand tighten the nuts.


Done!

I finished in 2 minutes and 47 seconds. It was a good day.

Greg and the Crocodile: Then and Now

2006


2009

The President's Speech to School Children

I have obtained the Presidential speech to school children that people have been talking about. See if you see anything wrong with it. Let me know in the comments:

Thank you, Ms. Mostoller, and thanks for allowing me to visit your classroom to talk to you and all these students, and millions more in classrooms all across the country.

You know, long before I became President I was a parent. I remember the times that my kids came up with a really tough question or a difficult decision. I tried my best never to shut them down with a quick ``no.'' I would simply say those three magic words that made that problem disappear: ``Ask your Mother.''

Let me tell you why I've made the trip up from the White House to Alice Deal Junior High. I'm not here to teach a lesson. You already have a very good teacher. I'm not here to tell you what to do or what to think. Maybe you're accustomed to adults talking about you and at you; well, today, I'm here to talk to you and challenge you. Education matters, and what you do today, and what you don't do can change your future.

Every day, we hear more bad news about our schools. Maybe you saw today's headline, I don't know if you had a chance to look at it, about the release of the new National Goals Report. Get the camera to come in and take a look at this for a moment. In math, for instance, this national report card shows that, nationwide, five of six eighth graders don't know the math they need to move up to the ninth grade.

In spite of troubling statistics like this one, I don't see this report, however, as just bad news, and I'll tell you why. This report tells us a lot about what you know and what you don't know. It gives us something to build on. It shows us our strengths and the weaknesses that we've go to correct. It sets forth a challenge to all of us: Work harder, learn more, revolutionize American education.

I know you've heard about stanines and percentiles, surveys and statistics, but here's what all that fancy talk really means: Education means the difference between a good future and a lousy one. Reports don't give us the right to make excuses. Our scores will tell us where we are and where we need to go.

I mentioned earlier the bad news we hear about schools today. But what we don't hear enough about are the success stories. You know, all over America, thousands of schools do succeed, even against tough odds, even against all odds. Kids from all over the District of Columbia petition to get into Alice Deal School here because parents know this school works. It works because of teachers like the one standing over here, Ms. Mostoller, who decided at the age of 25 -- maybe you all know this, but a lot of people around the country don't -- she decided at the age of 25 that she wanted to teach. She was standing in a supermarket checkout line when she saw a magazine ad about college. She went back to school, worked her way through in 7 years, waiting tables to pay tuition. She made it, and so can you.

This school here works because of students like the ones with me today, students like Rachel Rusch -- where's Rachel? Right there, okay -- a member of Alice Deal's award-winning ``Math Counts'' team. Rachel, you tell me if I'm wrong, but you and six other students in this class alone have taken part in the Johns Hopkins Talent Search. They took the college entrance exams on an experimental basis last year as seventh graders. Even in junior high, some of them scored well enough to get into college right now. So, let's just put it on the line. You've got the brains. Now, put them to work -- certainly, not for me, but for you.

Progress starts when we ask more of ourselves, our schools and, yes, you, our students. We made a start nationally now by setting six National Education Goals to meet the challenges of the 21st century. By the year 2020, at least 9 in every 10 students should graduate from high school. We should be first in the world in math and science. We need to regularly test student's abilities. Every American child should start school ready to learn; every American adult should be literate; and every American school should be safe and drug-free. Reaching those goals is the aim of a strategy that we call America 2020, a crusade for excellence in American education, school by school, community by community.

But what does all this mean, you might say, what is he doing, what does this all mean for the students right here in this room? Fast-forward -- 5 years from now. Unless things change, between now and 2014 as many as one in four of today's eighth graders will not graduate with their class. In some cities, the dropout rate is twice that high or higher. Imagine: Out of a total of nearly 3 million of your fellow classmates nationwide, an army of more than half a million dropouts.

I ask every student watching today: Look around you. Count four students. Start with yourself. No one dreams of becoming a dropout, but far too many do. Which one of you won't make it through school?

The fact is, every one of you can. Let's make a pact then right here. Let's work to see that 5 years from now, you and your friends will be more than sad statistics. Give yourself a decent shot at your dreams. Stay in school. Get that diploma.

Let's go back to the future. In the fall of 2014, 5 years from now, nearly half of today's eighth graders who get their diplomas will enter the working world. More than half the graduates will stay in school and become the college class of the year 2018.

The question each student watching today should ask is: Where will I be, where will I be 5 years from now? Will I be holding down a good job and maybe working toward a better one, or will I be out of school and out of work? Will I be on a college campus, or out running the streets?

Think about that tonight when you're at a kitchen table doing some homework; while your parents are meeting your teachers like so many millions do this year at back-to-school nights all across our great country.

I'm asking you to put two and two together: Make the connection between the homework you do tonight, the test you take tomorrow, and where you'll be 5, 15, even 50 years from now. You see, the real world doesn't begin somewhere else, some time way down there in the distant future. The real world starts right here. What you do here will have consequences for your whole lives.

Let me tell you something, many of you may find very hard to believe this. You're in control. You're thinking: How can the President say that about kids like us when we don't even have our driver's license? But think about it, and you'll see what I mean.

Think about drugs. You see films. You hear police experts and tough speakers from the outside. You get stern lectures from everyone: movie stars, athletes, teachers, parents, friends. But you know and I know that all the drug prevention programs, all the pledges, all the preaching in the world won't pull you through that critical moment when someone offers drugs. At that moment, everything comes down to you. Yes or no, you've got to choose, and the answer will change your life. Your parents won't make the decision. Your teachers won't make the decision. Your friends won't make the decision. It's up to you. It takes guts to take control.

A sound body and a sound mind, they go together, as my friend, and he is a friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger says. He's crossing the Nation talking with students about the importance of fitness. And real fitness means no drugs.

Studies show a decline in drug use, and that's good, that's encouraging, I think. And every student who draws the line against drugs really deserves credit for that. But drugs and violence continue to threaten every school, every small town and suburb in America. And as students, you have a right to be physically safe at school. You should never have to worry that a quarrel in the hallway will lead to gunfire in the playground. Fear should never follow you into the classroom.

If you have to take the long way home after school so you don't cross paths with the gang hanging on the corner, if outsiders roam the halls of your school hassling kids, hassling students, you must take control. Go to your teacher, or go to your principal, or go to your parents, as difficult as it may be, go to the school board if you have to. Demand discipline. If good people chicken out, bad people take control. Together, we can -- I really believe this -- we can drive the drugs and guns and senseless violence out of our schools.

When it comes to your own education, what I'm saying is take control. Don't say school is boring and blame it on your teachers. Make your teachers work hard. Tell them you want a first-class education. Tell them that you're here to learn.

Block out the kids who think it's not cool to be smart. I can't understand for the life of me what's so great about being stupid. If someone goofs off today, are they cool? Are they still cool years from now when they're stuck in a dead-end job? Don't let peer pressure stand between you and your dreams.

Take control -- challenge yourself. Only you know how hard you work. Maybe you can fake, maybe, just maybe you can fake your way into a job, but you won't keep it for long if you don't have the know-how to get the job done. Maybe you can cram the week before that marking period ends, and turn that C into a B. But you can't con your way past the SAT and into college. If you don't work hard, who gets hurt? If you cheat, who pays the price? If you cut corners, if you hunt for the easy A, who comes up short? Easy answer to that one: You do.

You're in control, but you are not alone. People want you to succeed. They want to help you succeed. Here at Deal, teachers like your outstanding teacher standing here with us today, Ms. Mostoller, from your principal, Mr. Moss, to your custodian, Mr. Francis. Right now in classrooms across this country, in the communities you call home, when things get tough, when answers are hard to come by, there's a teacher, a parent, a friend or family member ready to help you. They want to see you make it.

If you take school seriously, you won't have to settle for a job, just any job. You'll have a career. If you make it your business to learn, one day you'll be a better parent. You may not think about it now, but one day your children will want to look up at you and say, ``I've got the smartest Mom and Dad in the world.'' Don't disappoint them.

Let me leave you with a simple message: Every time you walk through that classroom door, make it your mission to get a good education. Don't do it just because your parents, or even the President, tells you. Do it for yourselves. Do it for your future. And while you're at it, help a little brother or sister to learn, or maybe even Mom or Dad. Let me know how you're doing. Write me a letter -- and I'm serious about this one -- write me a letter about ways you can help us achieve our goals. I think you know the address.

Now we're going to walk over to the school auditorium to say hello to the rest of the student body. To all the students across the country who watched us here in this great classroom today, may I simply say thank you and good luck to you this school year.

And now, Ms. Mostoller, if you'll kindly lead the way. Thank you all very much. Nice to be with you.

(Author's note: I forgot to mention, this speech was by George H.W. Bush speaking to school children on October 1, 1991. It was carried live on CNN and PBS. OK, I changed some of the dates so it wouldn't be so obvious, but you get my point.)

No more Scammer pride

I remember the good old days when a Nigerian Scammer would try to tug at your heartstrings or set up an elaborate story about government coups and international intrigue. There would be codes and Lottery Number results with lawyers to contact and Justices of Ministry stamps of approval.

Then I got this e-mail:


They're just not trying anymore.

Sarah and Josh's Reception: The Photo Booth

Sarah and Josh had their wedding reception this past Saturday. We all had a lot of fun and people we amazed to meet my wife.

Sarah and Josh decided to rent a photo booth for the evening so that guests could take photos of themselves and then put them into a scrapbook. To help advertise the booth, Sarah had our friend Meshell designed a poster:



As I am completely unobservant, it took me about an hour to figure out that the characters on the poster were actually caricatures.

Now, can you find me?



Yes, that's me. Passed out in the booth, probably forty-five minutes into the event.

Just for reference, here's Miss Sally and I:


I won't show you the Acton photos.

How to cut a sandwich

There are many ways to cut a sandwich. Here's several styles by different kinds of parents:

In Half


In Half Triangles


The Bitchy Kid Cut


Stock Broker's Kid


Bear Market Stock Broker's Kid


NRA Member


Lazy Parent


Really Lazy Parent


Emo Kid


My Kid's

Like Father, Like Son

Greg is in first grade and one of the activities for his first day of school was to draw his teacher:


Not bad. I often dreamed of my teacher with a snazzy skirt and no top on, but I never took the time to draw it.

That's my boy!

Editorial Fail

I'm pissed.

Some intern from Texas wrote an editorial in our local paper about how Ohio sucks and how great Texas is. I know Ohio sucks, but you can't come marching into my town and shit in my coffee. So I decided to write a letter to this jerk and let him know how I feel. I made the letter really nice!

Nice, right? Almost makes you feel warm inside.

That would be all well and good, except the secret to Ohio pride is that I inserted a secret message as to how I really feel about this guy. The problem is that the editorial staff decided to edit my letter, just slightly to make it fit their format, which ruined my message. Check out the first letter of each sentence. Here's a cheat:


It spells out: TOUCHEBAI

They changed my first letter D (from Dear into To) and they changed the last sentence from a G (I started it out "Good Luck").

DOUCHBAG

That's the secret to Ohio pride, asshole. Don't come up here to go to my school and then dump on my state, douchebag. I mean, touchebai.

The Baconizer

HolyJuan Eats: Dirty Franks

I ran into Freckled Jenn at work and mentioned how I wanted to test out Dirty Franks. She had some errands to run and was itchin' for some wiener, so we hopped in her Jeep and drove over to 3rd Ave in Downtown Columbus.

Here's Jenn!


Dirty Franks looks like what would have happened if Mel's Diner were run by Hipsters in the late 1980's. The place was pretty full when we sat down. We had our drinks within a minute and we perused the menu with glee. Dirty Franks specializes in unique hot dog toppings. You might think the combinations of toppings were drawn out of a hat in a Whole Foods store. Actually, they are quite tasty!

I ordered:
Chicago (with a beef brat for .75 extra) = Fresh tomatoes, diced onions, Vienna Sport Peppers, pickle relish, dill pickle, yellow mustard, & a dash of celery salt

True Love Always = Cream cheese & green olives

Fresh cut fries (which I doused with vinegar)


Freckled Jenn ordered:
True Love Always = Cream cheese & green olives

Ohioana = Spicy corn relish (sweet corn, pickle relish & jalapeño blend) and a dash of celery salt



Wow! It was fabulous. I ordered the True Love Always because I am a big fan of cream cheese and olive. It tasted great with a hot dog. I would have liked for my olives to have pimentos, but otherwise, good stuff! The Chicago was very good, but the toppings are thick sliced and even I had trouble fitting it all in my mouth (but I did).

The fries were great and even better with the malt vinegar. I was able to chug three glasses of diet Coke while I was there.

CLEAN PLATE CLUB!


My meal with drink was around $10.

Jenn said their adult beverages are great. She suggests the 2 Tickets to Paradise = Lime Slush, Cherry Slush, pineapple, Malibu Rum & citrus rum. I saw no less than 143 Pabst Blue Ribbon advertisements in the place. They also have funnel cakes.

I highly suggest you check them out!

Does this mean the internet will be down?

Top Ten Worst Diets Ever

They say dieting is good, but not if you are on one of the following diets. I'm no doctor, but I can tell you that this list is most definitely the top ten worst diets ever.

The Cardboard and Butter Diet

This is an extremely high fiber, high saturated fat diet. The butter helps the cardboard to go down. Helpful hint: buy an extra plunger.

Tapeworm Diet
With this diet, you ingest one pill which contains a tapeworm. Over time, you lose weight. And energy. When you are at the desired weight, take a second pill which, hopefully, kills the tapeworm.

Deserted Island Diet
With this diet, you only eat foods you would find on a deserted diet: sand, shell fish, seaweed and driftwood. It works for the people on Survivor... why not you?

Salt Diet
Eat anything and everything you want, as long as it is salt. Try Salt Pancakes or Salt Soup or Crunchy Sea Salt Nuggets with Salt Sauce. In a few days, if you can still see the scale, you'll notice significant weight loss.

U-Z Diet
In this diet, you only eat foods that begin with the letters U and Z. Watch the weight disappear after eating Ziti glazed with Ugli Fruit and unleavened bread with sliced zucchini every day for a week.

Sprinting Diet
With this diet, you can only eat while doing wind sprints. As soon as you stop running, you must stop eating. NOTE: Thanksgiving stinks on this diet and gravy can cause 2nd degree burns.

Boxing Glove Diet

This diet is easy: you can eat anything you want as long as you are wearing boxing gloves. Just try and open the fridge or drive to the fast food restaurant. Corn on the cob is really tough. Pudding is not so bad if you have a big vat of it.

Burnt Diet
This is another of the "eat anything you want" diets. All you have to do is burn the food item until it is charred black, though and through. I do this already with most my cooking.

Backyard Diet
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but they also make for a great diet. Eat only what you find in your yard. Gardens do not count, but weeds do. If you live in an apartment, go out to eat at the park. No digging through the trash cans.

Overeat Diet
This diet is akin to catching your child smoking a cigar and locking them in a closet until they smoke a whole box. With the Overeat Diet, you attempt to stuff yourself with fatty and high calorie foods to make yourself sick of eating. Do this for eight or nine weeks straight and weight loss will be inevitable when you can't move to feed yourself.

We miss Meshell

Meshell was in town a few weeks ago. We miss her a bunch, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do.


Check her out at: http://subwayseatfor3.blogspot.com/

Top Ten Worst Diets Ever

I did a writing assignment for a site called Associated Content. Read it and I get a penny!

Click here to read!.

Stick People Sex

WOW! really likes its customers (even the ones that are jerks)

On Monday, I wrote an article called “I played chicken with WOW! and something amazing happened” detailing how I tried to trick WOW! to lower my cable bill by threatening to cancel. Low and behold, my game of chicken failed and I ended up going through with the whole phone conversation and canceling my service. As I was too much of a chicken to go crawling back, I signed up for AT&T cable/internet and thought that was that.

The next day I got an e-mail via my holyjuan@gmail.com address from someone at WOW!, a guy named William Wright, who had read my article and wanted to see if there was anything WOW! could do to retain me as a customer. There was an 800 number for me to call. I assumed that this was a run of the mill follow up to any post on the internet and didn’t pay it much attention. I was more curious to talk to him about how they harvest information from the internet and learned about my post in the first place. I replied to his e-mail and said I would forward the AT&T information and see if they could match it.

Later that night, my wife checked the voice mail and handed me the phone, saying it was WOW! trying to get us back. We had predicted that a sales person would call and I rewound the message. It was a guy named Bill Wright looking to get us back with WOW!. Bill Wright? That seemed familiar… I went back to my e-mail. Same guy. Except this time I looked closer and saw that he was the CEO Customer Advocate! I called the 800 number, expecting to get the switchboard, but it was his personal number. He had taken the effort to track down my real name and number. I left a message, explaining that I was just one of those jerks from the internet. I left my cell phone number and hung up.

The next day William sent me an e-mail saying that Larry from the Saves Department would be giving me a call. Larry called when I was in a meeting and I called him back once I was finished. I shared my story with Larry about the canceling and the post on the internet. We talked about WOW!’s competitors and what AT&T was offering. In the end he made me a very nice offer and I took him up on it. We said our goodbyes and I e-mailed William to say Larry was awesome and thanks for the special attention.

So what have I learned? I was completely surprised by the customer service I got from WOW! I’ve always liked my service from WOW!, but was amazed at the level of attention I received. I was astonished that they took the time to track down the real me (it’s not that hard, but still). And I felt like a douche for trying to get my bill lowered, not having the balls to fess up to my real intentions and then having a bunch of attention dumped on me when I was trying to be sneaky in the first place.

I’m not really sure I learned my lesson, because in the end, for all my douchery, I did get my bill lowered. But at least, for once, I was shown that there is a company that really, really wants to keep their customers happy.

And I am happy.

Why, Thank You and Why Thank You

I hate people. Not you, of course. I like you. Just everyone else.

On the local talk radio, the topic of the day was rude people. A fired-up caller (oddly not a “long time listener/first time caller” which I thought everybody had to say on talk radio) had two stories to share. One was a general observation that people don’t say thank you anymore when you open the door for them. The second was a long winded story about how he found a wallet at a hotel, took it to the front desk, got the wallet owner’s room number, went to the room to return it and the man grabbed the wallet and shut the door without saying anything.

This is why I hate people. People should never do anything nice in life expecting to be rewarded for it. I think hard work should be rewarded. I think innovation should be rewarded. But don’t expect to get your ego massaged just because you think you are doing something nice.

Do the right thing because it is the right thing.

The caller on the radio was obviously a turd. Opening doors and expecting thanks is one thing. Going out of your way to try and weasel thanks/ a reward is ever turdier. I’m not sure why the hotel would have given the caller the wallet owner’s room number. That has got to be against some policy. What I didn’t mention was that the caller had gone through the wallet (I would have too), and was bitching because there was a lot of money in it and he wasn’t offered a reward.

You know this caller is a douche. A good person (you or me) would have dropped the wallet off at the front desk and went on their way. This guy was fishing for a thanks or a couple bucks as a reward. He should have cut out the middle man and taken the money, which I’m sure is what actually happened and the guy made the rest of the story up. No hotel would give out a room number to a total stranger.

I see these types at the four-way stop. The ones that smile and try to wave you through, when they should have gone first. I just sit there and stare right at them. They wave, franticly trying to be nicer. And I stare. Then they throw up their arms in disgust and tear through the intersection, pissed off. I love it.

Now, before you start sounding off the hypocrite alarm, I have in the past stressed that people MUST say thanks and send thank you notes. This is still true. If someone opens the door for you, say “Thanks!” If someone finds your wallet, explain that that is all the money you have in the world and that you cannot give a reward, but if there is anything you can do, you will. It is customary and polite.

But don’t ever give into these “Thank You” whores who force you into a Thank You situation. The nice guy that opens the door when you are 50 feet away. The nice guy at the four way stop. The nice guy that explains to everyone that he is doing something nice. Just use this secret code as you pass by them, “Why thank you”. No comma. You can add the question mark in your inflection when you get really good at it.

I played chicken with WOW! and something amazing happened

Miss Sally and I decided to get rid of our WOW! Internet Provider land line. The phone had not been working for about a week and neither of us noticed. When I figured out what was wrong and plugged it in correctly, we only had one message from seven days previous. The only thing I use it for is to call my cell phone when I’ve lost it.

Since we were giving up the land line, we started checking prices with other companies. AT&T and RoadRunner have been flooding our mailbox with offers. What we decided was that I would play hardball with WOW! and get our monthly fee lowered. Everyone knows that the service providers bend over to keep you on board, so I thought it would be a simple game of chicken where I would say, “I want out” and they would say, “Are you sure” and I would say, “Yes” and they would weep and the supervisor would come one the phone and BEG for me to get cable, internet and phone for $99/month. Suckers!

I called WOW! and spoke with a very polite dude. We exchanged my account information. Then I told him I wanted to cancel my service. He said, are you canceling or switching? I said we were switching to AT&T. Polite Dude was very concerned because he did not want us to lose our phone number. He entered in his system that AT&T would be our next service provider and they would handle handing it off. I passed the first test. He was checking to see if I was serious and I was.

Next Polite Dude went to the next part of his script and asked me when I would like to cancel. Right now? Tomorrow? I did not hesitate! I thought this was the point where he would start begging and he threw me a curve ball. I lied and said that our new service was starting at the end of the month so I would want to cancel then. Polite Dude suggested a few dates and times for our equipment to be collected and I picked one.

I had passed the second test! Now was about the time when Polite Dude would get to the part of the script where he talks me into staying with WOW!. Questions about pricing and service. How WOW! could do one better. How I was a Valued Customer.

Instead he thanks me for the call and that the service dude would be at my house to pick up the modem and cable box and that I should call back if there were any issues. WOW! would transfer the number to AT&T when the time came.

I said thanks and good-bye and paused. I waited for the, "Just one second, valued customer!", but Polite Dude said bye and hung up.

There was no groveling. No bending over. No supervisor. Amazing.

So, I went to the AT&T U-verse website and signed up for Cable and Internet in about ten minutes.

U-Verse is about $50 a month cheaper without the phone with a $250 cash back bonus and 2nd receiver. Now I need to go around and change all my WOW! contact e-mails to my Gmail account. A pain in the ass, but worth the savings.

So in the end, we both won and we both lost. But neither of us flinched, and that’s what really matters. Nice job WOW!. I’m ticked you didn’t roll over, but I commend you for that!

Jerks.

{Author's note: You must check out the follow up story: http://www.holyjuan.com/2009/08/wow-really-likes-its-customers.html}

A good three person card game

The Whistler at Work

Flotation Device

Greg Interviews Ann

Douchebag

I was in Lancaster this weekend to catch up with some friends. We went to a bar that a high school friend owns. While we were hanging out at the bar, a group of kids came in. I assumed that they were of age, because I can't tell anymore.

One of the dudes was a complete douchbag. How do I know this? For one, he looked like a douchebag... askew hat, stupid necklace, ironic shirt, fucking rich kid. Secondly, he acted like a douchbag... mistreating the bartender, running into people, aloof to the point of nausea.

Sadly, I wanted to punch the guy in the mouth.

Well, I must not have been the only one, because about twenty minutes later, there was a ruckus in the back of the bar and an employee yelled, "Call the cops!"

Word worked its way to the front of the bar that someone had got punched in the mouth. I said, "It was probably the douchebag." And it was. His friends started walking him out of the bar, but he went back to the back.

Cops showed up and went to the back of the bar. We assume they interviewed some people and low and behold, they came walking to the front of the bar with the douchebag. They weren't forcing him to move, but were telling him to get a move on outside. He was stalling and saying that he didn't want to leave. The cops had enough and dragged his ass out. The cuffed him and placed him in the cop car.

Cop came back in to show the bartender his fake ID. She said the front was a very good forgery, but that the bartender should look at the back of the license for some other telltale marks.

In the end, I felt bad for the kid... just kidding. We laughed our asses off.

Jackson Pollock Venn Diagram