ORIGINAL AD
FIXED
Some other of her ads HERE.
Zombie. Not Zombie
There is a "beauty doctor" in Westerville, OH that advertises in the free local rag. I enjoy her pencil sketches of what miracles she can perform. This week's ad needed a little bit of help:
ORIGINAL AD
FIXED
Some other of her ads HERE.
ORIGINAL AD
FIXED
Some other of her ads HERE.
Scientists open portal into McCain/Palin parallel universe
ATHENS, OH (HJ) – Extremely conservative scientists Dr. Handons and Dr. Remerick were dismayed earlier today after their successful opening of a portal between our universe and a parallel universe did not go as planned.
Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”
The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.
Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”
Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”
Dr. Rick Handons and Dr. Arc Remerick have been studying Acton Spheres over the past six years and have figured out a way to open gateways between our universe and parallel universes. “We first created the portals for the sake of science, but once Obama got elected, we decided to find the parallel dimension where McCain/Palin won the election, so that we could pack our bags and get the hell out of here.”
The conservative scientists’ hard work paid off when a suitable parallel universe was located. “We were able to listen to radio broadcasts from a split in an Acton Sphere that was located near the target dimension. Basically, we listened for a lot of bitching about Obama losing.” The next three months were spent working on the technology which would allow the creation of a large, stable opening between worlds.
Earlier today, with bags packed, Handons and Remerick fully opened the portal and prepared to pass through. To their dismay, at the moment the gateway opened, their counterparts in the parallel universe stepped through and into our universe, followed by a hoard of others attempting to escape their dimension. “You don’t want to go in there,” stated the alternate Dr. Remerick, “it’s completely fucked up.”
Though disappointed, the scientists have not given up hope. “The four of us are now working together to find a dimension that we can all agree on. The Remericks are seeking a Giuliani/Thompson universe while we are looking for the Paul/Ruwart dimension.”
American Girl Relieved That She Doesn’t Have The Force
HOLLAND OH (HJ) - High school senior Cheryl Heft of Toledo, Ohio was saddened, but relieved to find out that she did not have the mystical power of “The Force” while touring in Italy.
Cheryl spoke
to us from her hotel in Florence, Italy where she and her classmates were spending the evening. Her class was on the fifth day of their overseas European trip when they made a stop at the historic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Pisa, Italy. “My friend Elisa had just posed in front of the Leaning Tower and then it was my turn. As I put my hand up, I, you know, felt a like a weird sensation. Elisa said, ‘Oh my gawd’ and I turned to look at the tower was straight! At first I thought it had to be some kind of a binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power.” What Cheryl actually felt was a very strong aftershock that rocked the western coast of Italy. This 4.6 magnitude earthquake tipped the Leaning Tower back up and perpendicular to the ground.
“At first, my classmates were like, ‘You have the Force!’ Then they were pissed ‘cause I had straightened the tower. They were like, ‘Push it back over!’” Cheryl attempted to use the Force to push the tower back over, but failed. “I tried, but my friend said there is no try.”
Back at the hotel, Cheryl was relieved to hear that it was an earthquake that had caused the tower to straighten. She was even more relieved to hear that, due to another aftershock, the tower was back into its leaning position. “I’d hate to have it re-named ‘The Not Leaning Tower of Cheryl.'”
Cheryl spoke
to us from her hotel in Florence, Italy where she and her classmates were spending the evening. Her class was on the fifth day of their overseas European trip when they made a stop at the historic Leaning Tower of Pisa in Pisa, Italy. “My friend Elisa had just posed in front of the Leaning Tower and then it was my turn. As I put my hand up, I, you know, felt a like a weird sensation. Elisa said, ‘Oh my gawd’ and I turned to look at the tower was straight! At first I thought it had to be some kind of a binding, metaphysical and ubiquitous power.” What Cheryl actually felt was a very strong aftershock that rocked the western coast of Italy. This 4.6 magnitude earthquake tipped the Leaning Tower back up and perpendicular to the ground. “At first, my classmates were like, ‘You have the Force!’ Then they were pissed ‘cause I had straightened the tower. They were like, ‘Push it back over!’” Cheryl attempted to use the Force to push the tower back over, but failed. “I tried, but my friend said there is no try.”
Back at the hotel, Cheryl was relieved to hear that it was an earthquake that had caused the tower to straighten. She was even more relieved to hear that, due to another aftershock, the tower was back into its leaning position. “I’d hate to have it re-named ‘The Not Leaning Tower of Cheryl.'”
HolyJuan: Award Winner
A little bit ago (seven months), I won an award for an article I wrote about Hollywood running out of 555 numbers. The award is Pageant of the Transmundane and I won for week 19 of last year. Here is my badge of awardedness:
I rejected the cash award that was not offered, so we both fared well on that front.
I rejected the cash award that was not offered, so we both fared well on that front.
Invisible Sandwich Tastes Bad
We caught this guy in mid-bite of his invisible sandwich. Maybe the mayo was bad?
Former President Bush Pretty Much Doing What He Was a Year Ago
CRAWFORD, TX (HJ) – The first three months out of office are being called a success by former President George W. Bush. “I’d pretty much call my retirement a slam dunk so far,” remarked the former President from Crawford, Texas. Former President Bush allowed us to sit with him for a moment while he whittled on the front porch of his ranch. “I’m thinking that my approval rating has gone up at least.”
Many Americans are wondering what the former President is up to these days and his
schedule or priorities haven’t seemed to change that much. “I really don’t notice that I’m not President anymore. There’s really not a lot of difference in my days. I did some paperwork. Spoke on the phone. Messed around with the electronic etch-a-sketch. I think we are going to have ribs for dinner.”
Former President George W. Bush was very clear that there were some things about the Presidency that he did not miss, “The meetings… whoa boy there were a bunch of them. I have just recently begun to learn to listen when people are talking. Eight years of tuning out sticks with you.”
The former President was not completely forthcoming when asked about how President Barack Obama was doing so far. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Things at the White House always seemed to run on auto-pilot anyways.”
When asked about the future President Bush said that he hoped he would still be invited to throw out the first pitch at baseball games. He was also a bit unsure of the role of the Secret Service, “I thought the guys in suits would leave after I left office, but they are still around. They’re still good for fetching ice tea.”
Many Americans are wondering what the former President is up to these days and his
schedule or priorities haven’t seemed to change that much. “I really don’t notice that I’m not President anymore. There’s really not a lot of difference in my days. I did some paperwork. Spoke on the phone. Messed around with the electronic etch-a-sketch. I think we are going to have ribs for dinner.”Former President George W. Bush was very clear that there were some things about the Presidency that he did not miss, “The meetings… whoa boy there were a bunch of them. I have just recently begun to learn to listen when people are talking. Eight years of tuning out sticks with you.”
The former President was not completely forthcoming when asked about how President Barack Obama was doing so far. “I’m sure he’s doing just fine. Things at the White House always seemed to run on auto-pilot anyways.”
When asked about the future President Bush said that he hoped he would still be invited to throw out the first pitch at baseball games. He was also a bit unsure of the role of the Secret Service, “I thought the guys in suits would leave after I left office, but they are still around. They’re still good for fetching ice tea.”
Man beat with hammer after playing video game
By Donna Willis
Web Content Coordinator
Source
COLUMBUS, Ohio—A man said he was beaten with a hammer after playing a video game at someone’s house.
NBC 4 reported with the FAST FACTS.
CPD officers were call to Mount Camel Medical Center East on a report of a beating at about 8:45 p.m. Tuesday.
Officers spoke with 30-year-old victim Derrick Simmons.
Simmons said he was playing a video game at a residence.
When Simmons chose to leave, one of the individuals at the residence struck him in the head with a hammer multiple times, according to the victim.
Simmons transported himself to the hospital and was treated for a fractured cheek bone and head contusions.
CPD continued to investigate the alleged assault. An artist rendition of the attacker is shown below:
Web Content Coordinator
Source
COLUMBUS, Ohio—A man said he was beaten with a hammer after playing a video game at someone’s house.
NBC 4 reported with the FAST FACTS.
CPD officers were call to Mount Camel Medical Center East on a report of a beating at about 8:45 p.m. Tuesday.
Officers spoke with 30-year-old victim Derrick Simmons.
Simmons said he was playing a video game at a residence.
When Simmons chose to leave, one of the individuals at the residence struck him in the head with a hammer multiple times, according to the victim.
Simmons transported himself to the hospital and was treated for a fractured cheek bone and head contusions.
CPD continued to investigate the alleged assault. An artist rendition of the attacker is shown below:
Chair for sale in Chicago
The best part about Chicago is that you can find some really great deals on furniture! While in Chicago, I was surfing on Craig's List and found the following computer chair:
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/fuo/1101522530.html
The description:
A wonderful post modern, computer chair. NOT FROM IKEA.
I will part with this chair for $2000 or higher.
You cannot pick this chair up. I must drop it off at your location.
Note: you may not sit in the chair until you buy it. I will sit in the chair for you and tell you how it feels.
Right arm suggests the confluent state of the economy. The left arm represents the whole of the ego.
Free paper towels with purchase.
Cash only. No questions.
Photos:
I'm hoping the seller will drive it down to Columbus.
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/fuo/1101522530.html
The description:
A wonderful post modern, computer chair. NOT FROM IKEA.
I will part with this chair for $2000 or higher.
You cannot pick this chair up. I must drop it off at your location.
Note: you may not sit in the chair until you buy it. I will sit in the chair for you and tell you how it feels.
Right arm suggests the confluent state of the economy. The left arm represents the whole of the ego.
Free paper towels with purchase.
Cash only. No questions.
Photos:
I'm hoping the seller will drive it down to Columbus.
Made up internet statistics up 78%
COLUMBUS-(HJ) Made up internet statistics are up a staggering 78% over the past six months, reported researchers from The Ohio University School of Internet Studies. Professor Mars Alex has seen a steady rise since the initial 22% decline of fictional statistics subsequent the elections. “Usually we notice a 10% – 15% drop in made up statistics, but 33% 
of the researchers took 50% of the case studies and determined the increase. We’re 99% sure this is for real.”
Polling during elections makes up for most the discrepancies, though polls from opposing sides tend to cancel each other out. This year, fictional statistics have had a 180% turn around. “We expected to see less fake statistics with the new administration, but they’ve continued the recent trend. Internet Scientists were disappointed at the new GOP “budget” that had no statistics whatsoever. “It’s tough to make up fake numbers when the budget doesn’t have any numbers at all.” Republicans promisied 100% more numbers and a much greater percentage of fabricated statistics in their Budget 2.0.
Reasons for the increase of made up statistics are, of course, blamed on the economy. Professor Alex suggests, “No matter what the economy's doing, we’re right most the time, give or take 35%.”
of the researchers took 50% of the case studies and determined the increase. We’re 99% sure this is for real.”Polling during elections makes up for most the discrepancies, though polls from opposing sides tend to cancel each other out. This year, fictional statistics have had a 180% turn around. “We expected to see less fake statistics with the new administration, but they’ve continued the recent trend. Internet Scientists were disappointed at the new GOP “budget” that had no statistics whatsoever. “It’s tough to make up fake numbers when the budget doesn’t have any numbers at all.” Republicans promisied 100% more numbers and a much greater percentage of fabricated statistics in their Budget 2.0.
Reasons for the increase of made up statistics are, of course, blamed on the economy. Professor Alex suggests, “No matter what the economy's doing, we’re right most the time, give or take 35%.”
The Official Kit Peery Bike Shirt
My newest t-shirt design at Skreened.com is a tribute to my friend Kit:
Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/kit-peery-s-bike-shirt.
Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/kit-peery-s-bike-shirt.
The old man note
While in Chicago this weekend, Eric shared with us a story about this note:
Eric was seeking a parking spot in downtown Chicago. When he found one, he stopped and attempted to back up. The guy behind him didn't like the way he hit his brakes and pulled up next to Eric to exchange words. Eric said the dude was probably in his 50s. Eric may have called him a motherfucker and finished parking.
When he came out to his car he found this note. (I smeared out Eric's license plate number which was written at the top.) It looks like it was written by a 70 year old man telling you to get off his yard.
I think the part that ticked off Eric the most was being called "Suburb Boy."
Eric was seeking a parking spot in downtown Chicago. When he found one, he stopped and attempted to back up. The guy behind him didn't like the way he hit his brakes and pulled up next to Eric to exchange words. Eric said the dude was probably in his 50s. Eric may have called him a motherfucker and finished parking.
When he came out to his car he found this note. (I smeared out Eric's license plate number which was written at the top.) It looks like it was written by a 70 year old man telling you to get off his yard.
I think the part that ticked off Eric the most was being called "Suburb Boy."
Kit Paints
I think the lesson here is never leave Kit alone with a can of paint and a brush.
Oh. And when Kit asks about the bike shirt, just say, "Yeah, I saw it in a shop in the Loop."
Oh. And when Kit asks about the bike shirt, just say, "Yeah, I saw it in a shop in the Loop."
Ask HolyJuan: Who's hotter - Chelsea or Bristol?
Dear HolyJuan,
Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?
Signed,
Sr. Blanco
P.S. Could you expand the question to include which mother - daughter combo would make the best WWE tag team?
Dear Senior Blanco,
Brilliant question, sir!
I hate to do this to you, but I’ll answer the postscript first then get into the real meat of this question.
I would fear nothing more than getting into a ring with Chelsea and Momma Bear Clinton. The Sarah Palin/Bristol Palin team talks tough and definitely has the rough edges that most women in Alaska develop through a combination of angst and loathing. But I think that the fight would consist mainly of Chelsea attempting to pull her mother off the bleeding, shredded remains of the Palins. Cutsey doesn’t cut it in Washington nor the squared circle.
Now, on to my forte:
Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?
Bristol Palin
Chelsea Clinton
I think we need to look at my definition of “hot.” Hot does not just encompass looks or figure. You’ve also got to look at personality, intelligence, beliefs and spirituality.
Ha, I’m fucking with you. Hot is all about looks and a rocking body and how drunk she would have to be to have sex with me. Let’s look at a chart:
All right then. Now let’s look at a photo of John getting punched in the face by my son.
You may ask, “What are you getting at?” The answer is simply that trying to decide which one of them is hotter is as nonsensical as the chart, but as clear as a punch in the face. Bristol Palin is better looking and has a tighter bod, but probably now has a flabbity vagina from the constant pounding by sea men (har dee har har) and squeezing out that child didn’t do much for her figure or her sanity. Chelsea was not pretty when she was Bristol’s age, but I think she has really blossomed (i.e. straightened her hair) and could be considered to be good looking. I am unsure of her promiscuity though her father is Bill Clinton so my assumptions must lean towards the slutty end of the scale. I think with a few drinks in me (and a few more in her) I'd bang her.
So the answer, Mr. Blanco, if you are still reading, is that Bristol Palin is hotter. She is good looking, likes to drink, has huge milk engorged boobies and we know she’s had sex at least once and we can also assume that for three years prior, attempted to retain her virginity by having anal sex.
Bristol Palin for the win!
Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?
Signed,
Sr. Blanco
P.S. Could you expand the question to include which mother - daughter combo would make the best WWE tag team?
Dear Senior Blanco,
Brilliant question, sir!
I hate to do this to you, but I’ll answer the postscript first then get into the real meat of this question.
I would fear nothing more than getting into a ring with Chelsea and Momma Bear Clinton. The Sarah Palin/Bristol Palin team talks tough and definitely has the rough edges that most women in Alaska develop through a combination of angst and loathing. But I think that the fight would consist mainly of Chelsea attempting to pull her mother off the bleeding, shredded remains of the Palins. Cutsey doesn’t cut it in Washington nor the squared circle.
Now, on to my forte:
Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?
Bristol Palin
Chelsea Clinton
I think we need to look at my definition of “hot.” Hot does not just encompass looks or figure. You’ve also got to look at personality, intelligence, beliefs and spirituality.
Ha, I’m fucking with you. Hot is all about looks and a rocking body and how drunk she would have to be to have sex with me. Let’s look at a chart:
All right then. Now let’s look at a photo of John getting punched in the face by my son.
You may ask, “What are you getting at?” The answer is simply that trying to decide which one of them is hotter is as nonsensical as the chart, but as clear as a punch in the face. Bristol Palin is better looking and has a tighter bod, but probably now has a flabbity vagina from the constant pounding by sea men (har dee har har) and squeezing out that child didn’t do much for her figure or her sanity. Chelsea was not pretty when she was Bristol’s age, but I think she has really blossomed (i.e. straightened her hair) and could be considered to be good looking. I am unsure of her promiscuity though her father is Bill Clinton so my assumptions must lean towards the slutty end of the scale. I think with a few drinks in me (and a few more in her) I'd bang her.
So the answer, Mr. Blanco, if you are still reading, is that Bristol Palin is hotter. She is good looking, likes to drink, has huge milk engorged boobies and we know she’s had sex at least once and we can also assume that for three years prior, attempted to retain her virginity by having anal sex.
Bristol Palin for the win!
How big is the hole in your bumper?
Freckled Jenn made a slight spacial error and backed her car into her husband's jeep. It left a hole in her bumper. I asked her how big the hole was. She said it was $800 big. I was curious as to how big $800 was so I did some scientific studies by filling the hole with mathematically proven, standard sized objects.
The following items:
2' long 2"x4" board
mostly empty Kroger Brand mouth wash
empty pack of beef jerky
mostly empty 16 oz Gatorade Bottle (Frost Flavor)
...fit nicely into the hole.
That's how big an $800 hole is. I left the objects in there so that Jenn would also know how big the hole was.
As it turns out, the back of Bobby's pick up truck is also $800 big because Jenn threw my measuring devices in the back of Bobby's truck.
Author's note: It seems that because Bobby was unaware of the $800 worth of measuring devices in his truck bed, he failed to secure them. There is now $400 worth of measuring devices along 315N somewhere between 70 and Lane Ave.
If you happen to see them, feel free to contact me for their return.
The following items:
2' long 2"x4" board
mostly empty Kroger Brand mouth wash
empty pack of beef jerky
mostly empty 16 oz Gatorade Bottle (Frost Flavor)
...fit nicely into the hole.
That's how big an $800 hole is. I left the objects in there so that Jenn would also know how big the hole was.
As it turns out, the back of Bobby's pick up truck is also $800 big because Jenn threw my measuring devices in the back of Bobby's truck.
Author's note: It seems that because Bobby was unaware of the $800 worth of measuring devices in his truck bed, he failed to secure them. There is now $400 worth of measuring devices along 315N somewhere between 70 and Lane Ave.
If you happen to see them, feel free to contact me for their return.
My Scrabble score
You'd never know it, but I love Scrabble. Here's my Scrabble name score:
Pholph's Scrabble Generator        My Scrabble© Score is: 21. What is your score? Get it here. |
I found your wrench
Several of these concrete benches line the driveway in front of my office. If you lost a wrench, I think I have found it.
The concrete around the wrench is starting to chip away. I'm sure that just the tips were visible in the recent past.
The concrete around the wrench is starting to chip away. I'm sure that just the tips were visible in the recent past.
Jesus... that's morbid (explained)
I have received a surprising number of e-mails concerning the "Jesus... that's morbid" cartoon asking me what the fuck is going on with it. Here is the comic in question:
And here is an explanation:
He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!
And here is an explanation:
He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!
Staff Pick o' the Month at Skreened
Daniel at Skreened picked my "I am a genus" t-shirt as one of his favorites this month.
Someday, I might actually sell a freaking shirt. Well, a second shirt. (Thanks, Jenn!)
Someday, I might actually sell a freaking shirt. Well, a second shirt. (Thanks, Jenn!)
A treesome
The tree in the middle looks to be the male. He also looks to be circumcised.
Image from American Bushman.
Image from American Bushman.
Michelle is with us is spirit and in cardboard
Michelle is in New York, but she also hangs with us in Columbus.
You can read Michelle over at Subway Seat for 3.
The complete set of photos from this night out can be found on Flickr.
You can read Michelle over at Subway Seat for 3.
The complete set of photos from this night out can be found on Flickr.
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