Ask HolyJuan: Who's hotter - Chelsea or Bristol?

Dear HolyJuan,

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?

Signed,
Sr. Blanco

P.S. Could you expand the question to include which mother - daughter combo would make the best WWE tag team?

Dear Senior Blanco,

Brilliant question, sir!

I hate to do this to you, but I’ll answer the postscript first then get into the real meat of this question.

I would fear nothing more than getting into a ring with Chelsea and Momma Bear Clinton. The Sarah Palin/Bristol Palin team talks tough and definitely has the rough edges that most women in Alaska develop through a combination of angst and loathing. But I think that the fight would consist mainly of Chelsea attempting to pull her mother off the bleeding, shredded remains of the Palins. Cutsey doesn’t cut it in Washington nor the squared circle.

Now, on to my forte:

Who's hotter, Chelsea Clinton or Bristol Palin?

Bristol Palin


Chelsea Clinton


I think we need to look at my definition of “hot.” Hot does not just encompass looks or figure. You’ve also got to look at personality, intelligence, beliefs and spirituality.

Ha, I’m fucking with you. Hot is all about looks and a rocking body and how drunk she would have to be to have sex with me. Let’s look at a chart:


All right then. Now let’s look at a photo of John getting punched in the face by my son.


You may ask, “What are you getting at?” The answer is simply that trying to decide which one of them is hotter is as nonsensical as the chart, but as clear as a punch in the face. Bristol Palin is better looking and has a tighter bod, but probably now has a flabbity vagina from the constant pounding by sea men (har dee har har) and squeezing out that child didn’t do much for her figure or her sanity. Chelsea was not pretty when she was Bristol’s age, but I think she has really blossomed (i.e. straightened her hair) and could be considered to be good looking. I am unsure of her promiscuity though her father is Bill Clinton so my assumptions must lean towards the slutty end of the scale. I think with a few drinks in me (and a few more in her) I'd bang her.

So the answer, Mr. Blanco, if you are still reading, is that Bristol Palin is hotter. She is good looking, likes to drink, has huge milk engorged boobies and we know she’s had sex at least once and we can also assume that for three years prior, attempted to retain her virginity by having anal sex.

Bristol Palin for the win!

How big is the hole in your bumper?

Freckled Jenn made a slight spacial error and backed her car into her husband's jeep. It left a hole in her bumper. I asked her how big the hole was. She said it was $800 big. I was curious as to how big $800 was so I did some scientific studies by filling the hole with mathematically proven, standard sized objects.


The following items:
2' long 2"x4" board
mostly empty Kroger Brand mouth wash
empty pack of beef jerky
mostly empty 16 oz Gatorade Bottle (Frost Flavor)
...fit nicely into the hole.



That's how big an $800 hole is. I left the objects in there so that Jenn would also know how big the hole was.

As it turns out, the back of Bobby's pick up truck is also $800 big because Jenn threw my measuring devices in the back of Bobby's truck.



Author's note: It seems that because Bobby was unaware of the $800 worth of measuring devices in his truck bed, he failed to secure them. There is now $400 worth of measuring devices along 315N somewhere between 70 and Lane Ave.

If you happen to see them, feel free to contact me for their return.

My Scrabble score

You'd never know it, but I love Scrabble. Here's my Scrabble name score:

Pholph's Scrabble Generator My Scrabble© Score is: 21. What is your score? Get it here.

I found your wrench

Several of these concrete benches line the driveway in front of my office. If you lost a wrench, I think I have found it.



The concrete around the wrench is starting to chip away. I'm sure that just the tips were visible in the recent past.

They will never miss it

(Click to enlarge)


Original artwork from http://www.pagetutor.com/trillion/index.html

Jesus... that's morbid (explained)

I have received a surprising number of e-mails concerning the "Jesus... that's morbid" cartoon asking me what the fuck is going on with it. Here is the comic in question:


And here is an explanation:


He's wearing a cross, people. That's morbid!

Staff Pick o' the Month at Skreened

Daniel at Skreened picked my "I am a genus" t-shirt as one of his favorites this month.

Someday, I might actually sell a freaking shirt. Well, a second shirt. (Thanks, Jenn!)

A treesome

The tree in the middle looks to be the male. He also looks to be circumcised.

Image from American Bushman.

Michelle is with us is spirit and in cardboard

Michelle is in New York, but she also hangs with us in Columbus.








You can read Michelle over at Subway Seat for 3.

The complete set of photos from this night out can be found on Flickr.

Instant Network

Photo via http://www.spiegel.de/netzwelt/tech/0,1518,grossbild-1445713-609718,00.html

Cheese, Egg and Pancake Sandwich

Greg was hooked on the McGriddle and we couldn't afford his habit. A month in the St. Bernice of the Heathen Springs Rehab got the toxins out of his system, but the boy still craves the carbs and cholesterol.

So now we make the Cheese, Egg and Pancake sandwich. It's cheap, easy and takes less than three minutes.

You'll need:

2 Frozen Pancakes (or one bagel)
Egg
cheese
bowl (soufflé cup for bagels)
non-stick spray

Stack the frozen pancakes and microwave for 55 seconds.


While they are nuking, spray the bowl with non-stick spray. Add one egg in the bowl.


Beat the egg until it reveals the secret hideout.


Remove the pancakes from the microwave. I separate them so they begin to cool.


Nuke the egg for 20 seconds. It will still be a bit runny.


Add a godawful amount of cheese.


Cook for 20 - 25 seconds until the cheese is melted.


Use fork to help slide the melty goodness on to the pancake.


I leave the pancakes apart until Greg saddles up to eat it, otherwise the top pancake traps the heat on the inside and it remains too hot to eat for way too long.

Greg Eats


BONUS!

You can also make an egg and cheese bagel using the same method. Instead of a bowl, use a soufflé dish or otherwise the egg will spillover out the sides of the bagel.


Follow all the same steps except you might want to toast your bagel. The cheese may take a bit longer to melt in the more narrow confines of the soufflé dish.


Pro-Tip: Put 1/2 the bagel insides down on the inside the soufflé dish and turn upside down instead of trying to pull the egg and cheese goodness out.


Flip!


Top it and admire your work.


HolyJuan Eats


SUPER BONUS
Watch the nuclear abomination that is formed when egg, cheese and microwaves meet.

Signtific Lab

Turning Pink Slips into HOPE

LORAIN OH – Many hard working Americans are faced with possible job loss during these tough economic times and it is very easy for the recently dismissed to lose hope. Neild Mortgage, in Lorain, Ohio, has been laying off staff over the past few months and owner Orlando Neild decided to put a positive spin on the pink slip. “During the election, I was made hopeful by Obama’s campaign posters. The colors and letters make me feel good no matter what the message.” When Orlando was faced with having to lay off some of his staff, he decided to deliver the negative message with a positive attitude. His idea was to deliver the bad news with a message of HOPE.


“I feel that if you are going to deliver bad news, you might as well do it in a pretty way. Make it so that they can turn an unhappy event into lemonade.”


Orlando paid a graphic design firm over $45,000 dollars to design the pink slips and to come up with a “Feel Better in 2010” message. Orlando helped with the design, “I said ‘Keep the blue on the right. That is more positive.’ And in these minus times, we all need the positive.” Mr. Nield also helped with writing the positive messages and ensured that each employee was personally escorted out of the building by two Career Enhancers/Security Guards.

Jesus... that's morbid

No More Snow in 2009 for Columbus, OH

Central Ohio got hit by a nice sized snow and ice storm at the end of January. Schools were closed and everybody curled up in front of the fires for two days. A few days later, the local newscasters were discussing some computerized forecast outlooks that were calling for two feet of snow. The only issue was that these forecasts were ten days out. I don’t know a whole lot about weather, but I do know that even the best forecaster is only good on his/her guesses about five days out at best. Ten days is insane to be reporting the possibility of a snowstorm and getting the general public all in a tizzy.

So the next day at work, on or about February 2nd, I made the prediction that Columbus would not get another snow for the rest of winter. Erik poked me with a stick and made me define “snow.” My definition was anything greater than ¼” in 24 hours.

Well, that two feet of snow never materialized. And since that time, we have been predicted to have slush and fluffy snow and ice… but so far, my prediction has stood up.

I explained my bet to a local forecaster on Twitter and he said my luck was up as we were going to get 1/2” of slush the next day and 1” of fluffy snow the day after.

Well, he was completely wrong and my stupid prediction was still on.

Face and name of said forecaster hidden to protect his identity.

Yesterday, it was 70 degrees, which worries me because we always seem to get that late March early April snow here in central Ohio. But I might be in the clear.

So to add a bit of muscle to the prediction, here’s my up: No More Snow in 2009. I predict that Central Ohio, specifically Columbus, OH will not get another snow greater that ¼” within a 24 hour period for the rest of 2009. Obviously this includes November and December of 2009 as well.

There. I said it.

So when we get 36” of snow on April 7th, you’ll have me to blame.

I am a genus.

My newest t-shirt design at Skreened.com:



Check it out at http://skreened.com/holyjuan/genus.

How Tagalongs Girl Scout Cookies Nutrition Facts should be listed

After eating a whole box of Tagalongs today, I thought it best to edit the Nutrition Facts as they should be listed.