HolyJuan

Doug Eats: Deluxe Grass Jelly Dessert - What is that which is not solid and not liquid but gives gas?

Last week, the team planned a fun lunch at the local Chinese all you can eat. Sadly, Ann got a fever and I could not join in the fun. Lucky for me, Jenn and Stephanie stopped next door at the Chinese grocery and picked me up some food for me to try out. Seeing as Erik is still dead from the Erik Eats a few months ago, it was my turn to step up.

Stephanie and Jenn with gifts of food.

Today on ~~Erik Eats~~ Doug Eats... Deluxe Grass Jelly Dessert

I'm not sure what it says on the can, but I assume that it explains how physics and gravity are both suspended within the confines of the can.

The top of the can has a lid with a folded up spoon on the inside. F'ing cool!

Transformers! More than meets the eye!

Bourarachutchchingcunchingchun!! (That is the transforming noise.)

Jen tests the spoon to see if it works and to remove any germs with her anti-bacterial saliva.

The top of the can has instructions on how to open it.

I follow them very carefully and mind my hand in the process.

Wait... my teeth are pretty grimy. I'm going to head to my dentist's office and get them cleaned and whitened. I'll be right back.

Much better!

Here is what opening the can reveals:

Holy shit! This looks like a collection of every gall stone removed in June of 1972.

We dump some of this on a plate to get a better look at the components.

We separate into the four food groups: ass, gunk, brown gel and goo

Instead of throwing this into the trash and running like a little girl down the hall and into the bathroom, I try it.

I love Stephanie's reaction in this one.

Wow. It is very hard to pallet the combination of solids and gels. There is a slight sweet taste, but only a man who eats sand for lunch could call this dessert.

Doug says...

I have to call this stuff a choking hazard.

HOLY SHIT! IT'S ERIK! BACK FROM THE DEAD!

Upon hearing my statement that the Deluxe Grass Jelly Dessert is a choking hazard, Erik wants to do a scientific study. He uses a tool of the trade, a choking detector.

This Safety 1st device lets the user know if something is a choking hazard. If the item fits in the device, it is a choking hazard. Erik fills it with this faux Newtonian Fluid.

Down the hatch!

Well. Not a choking hazard, but it does work as a great substitute for syrup of ipecac.

Next Week: Seven Days of Erik Eats!!

Creepy Face

Greg and I were playing around with Mr. Potato Head parts. He took this photo of me. I think I've scarred him. Again.

Cologne - all the words (Piano Orchestra Version)

Great song. Funny video. I wrote out the lyrics and I am sharing them with you. Feel free to take a word from the lyrics and use it in your daily conversations.

Here in Cologne
I know said it wrong
I walked you to the train
And back across alone
To my hotel room
And ordered me some food
And now I’m wondering
why the floor
has suddenly
become a moving target
4
3
2
1
I’m letting you go
I
will
let
go
if you will let go
4
3
2

Says here an astronaut
put on a pair of diapers
and drove 18 hours
to kill her boyfriend
And in my hotel room
I’m wondering
If you read that story, too
And if we both might
be having
the same
imaginary conversation
4
3
2
1
I’m letting you go
I
will
let
go
if you will let go
4
3
2
Ohhhhhhh
Weightless as I close my eyes
Ohhhhh
The ceiling opens in disguise

Such a painful trip
to find out this is it
and as I go to sleep
You’ll be waking up
4
3
2
1
I’m letting you go
I
will
let
go
If you will let go
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Bum
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaah

Top Five Reasons to Hate Top Five Lists

1. The number one reason to hate top five lists is when the author puts the number one item first in the list. List should always count down to the number one item to build, at least, the suggestion of suspense.

2. List creators always feel

the need to include at least one photo in the list to attract readers. Lots of times, the photo has nothing to do with the list.

3. List authors tend to use their pulpit to spit out their opinion, rather than the known truth. There are several absolutes in the List universe and some of them are that Highlander 2 is the worst movie ever made, jazz sucks and Swedish Fish are the best candy in the world. When an author inserts their opinion, the list falls apart.

4. The very obvious inclusion is that author usually includes one long shot item, one that is intentionally meant to piss off the readers and get a knee jerk reaction. It usually involves scouring the internet for some obscure reference and then pretending that everyone should know it. Of course, this one is obvious.

5. The author usually has only one or two good ideas and they are forced to flesh out the list with additional bullshit items. When a list only is 5 “things” instead of 10 “things” you really know the author is stretching it out.

6. The additional bonus item. Meant to add a touch of cleverness to the list. It doesn’t work.

The xkcd version of the comic "Oh I'm a girl? That's kinda cool."

Original "Oh I'm a girl" comic here: http://i40.tinypic.com/fwh9h4.jpg

xkcd lives here: http://xkcd.com/

Regina Spektor - Us

Regina Spektor - US
Uploaded by reginaspektor

I am mentally unstable. My two current crushes are on a cartoon character and Regina Spektor. I randomly found her while listening to Ben Folds. Love her voice. The video is fun too. I think my wife is going to leave me if I keep this up.

Ten Interesting Cell Phone Facts You Probably Didn't Know

1. The most common texted word is not a word, but rather the letter “r”.

2. Most cell phones contain about $9 of gold in the circuitry. $ .02 if you go through Cash4Gold.

3. The scientific name for phantom cell phone ring vibration is “lexdosia.”

4. 2 is the most used cell phone number for texting. 0 is the least.

5. If you think your cell phone volume is lowering over time, check the holes that cover the speaker. Most phones have almost a full ounce of ear wax and dirt build up. Soak phone overnight in warm water to ensure that the wax buildup isn’t your biggest problem anymore.

6. Cell phone antennas went obsolete when the cell providers switched from an AM frequency to an FM frequency.

7. Cell phone companies spent about 4 million dollars in the 1980s to develop three additional musical notes so that each number would have its own unique sound.

8. 37% of all photos that men send via cell phone are of poop that they send to their buddies.

9. 85% of cell phone users liked their previous cell phone better.

10. Whatever you do, do not call this number: 614-429-4365.

Kleptomaniacs Anonymous

Greg and Dad sans Dad: Jesus Floats above Hell

Greg is in Kindergarten. Watching that kid learn how to read is one of the most exhilarating experience of my life. Being there as he starts to "get it" and realizing that he'll be smarter than me in less than three years is wild.

Then he brings this home (a few months ago) and completely freaks me out:

Upon looking at the drawing, you can see Jesus prostrate, floating above the fires of Hell. And he's got a smile on his face. Underneath all that is some text in Greg's handwriting. At first glance the words seem to sound out, "Pay By the Fire." This is a technique in Kindergarten they call "inventive spelling." They let the students write sentences, sounding out the words and writing how they think they should be spelled. As backwards as that sounds, it seems like it has been working.

As for Greg and this drawing, we spent $12,000 on therapy and $25,000 on an exorcist. Finally we asked Greg what the drawing was about and he said that he liked playing soccer by the fire. "Play by the fire?" Yes, play by the fire. Now we are spending $300 at the local OU branch campus to teach the boy perspective drawing.

Other Mother Crush Continues

I went and saw Coraline for the 27th time tonight. The theater had me escorted out between my 3rd and 4th viewing when I bought a large tub of popcorn, dumped it out and filled it with butter flavored oil. I guess it wasn't the oil that bothered them, but when I requested a hole saw and a rubbermaid glove, they freaked out.

Here is an obviously stolen photo of other mother.

I'm gonna buy Miss Sally the chicken oven mitt for her birthday, but it will really be a gift for me.

I am my Uncle

My father's side of the family is a bit of a mystery. I wish I knew more about them.

I do remember my father speaking of his brother and that he was an author. To use my father's words, my uncle wrote smut. I was always curious what that meant. Was it that he wrote with foul language or that the subject material was dirty or immoral?

Either way, I think I have become my uncle.

Very sad, very real dream

Stop reading this now. It will depress you. Unless you like to be depressed, then read on.

I had a dream last night of such sadness that I fear to write it down in case this causes me to repeat it. Of course, writing things down tends to wring thoughts out of my brain, so maybe I will forget.

When I woke, I was glad, but it was still dark.

The dream started like this: Greg and I are at home, getting ready to head out for school. Miss Sally has all ready left for the day with Ann. They are at her work.

In the living room, we put our jackets on and head to the front door. We never go out the front door, but I guess I needed to see that it went pitch black dark and all the stars had come out.

In a moment I knew that the sun had gone dark. Greg thought it was cool. I did not.

Inside we turned the TV on and the reporters were in a panic. The sun was dark and everyone was going to die very soon. The phones still worked and Miss Sally called to say that she was going to try and make it home. Greg asked if it was a stay at home day.

On the TV, time seemed to fast forward and the reporter had calmed down. It would be getting very cold soon and most services would be going out. He suggested that we gather together with our loved ones and wait to die.

Miss Sally had not come home before I woke up.

When I woke, I was glad, but it was still dark.

How did the Hoax Oscar list do?

Earlier this week, a "leaked" list of 2009 Oscar winners made a few laps around the internet. Here are the results of how well they predicted.

Psychic Support Group

Annie Laughs - Greg is Serious

Protest

My Boss is Smarter than Me

I filled out a vacation form at work and turned it into my boss. He was well aware of my intentions to go out tonight and edited the form accordingly.

HolyJuan's How To: Make coffee at work

We have free coffee at work. While I appreciate the sentiment, the instant coffee concentrate mixed with tepid water doesn't quite cut it. Luckily, Erik told me about a simple plastic device that will brew a single cup of coffee without the need for a large machine that would probably start a fire when I forget to turn it off.

Here's what you will need:

-individual coffee filter holder plastic funnel thingy
-no. 2 coffee filter (unbleached)
-coffee
-coffee cup (huge size)
-cold water and a time machine or hot water
-level
-Tupperware container

Insert filter into filter holder. It will never exactly conform to the holder so just live with it.

Fill filter with coffee. Use the amount as instructed on the side of the can:

Then add three times that amount:

I like a huge cup of coffee and as you can see the filter holder is too small to fit over the rim of the cup.

I'm noticing that the cup is dirty from my previous cup of coffee I drank last week. Let me take that to the photoshop sink and wash it out:

Take the level and put it over the huge cup. Because the level is unlevel, you'll need to set the opposite end on the empty Tupperware container.

Set your filter, filled with coffee grounds, on the level over the huge coffee cup:

Go back in time four minutes and boil a large cup of water in the microwave for four minutes. Ensure you use Styrofoam to boil your water as the fluorocarbons give the coffee a nice cancery flavor.

Pour the hot water into the filter and make sure it goes though the hole in the level and into the cup. Now is about the time you find out if your level has a hole in it or not.

Mine has a hole in it and the cup below is filling up:

Oh shit! GO back in time again and make sure your cup is big enough to hold all the hot water you just dumped in the filter holder. *BZAP* I'm back and my cup is big enough. You might not be able to dump all the hot water in the filter at once so be patient and watch how the hot water and coffee grounds interact. What images to you see in the grounds? A wave? A woman's face? THE DEVIL?

Relax...Enjoy!

Funny comments from my Jesus Fish article

Awhile back ago, I wrote about Avoiding the Jesus Fish. My personal opinion is that people who advertise with a Jesus Fish are two bit scammers, working on the hearts, rather than the minds of consumers. Maybe a good advertising ploy, but I assume Jesus would frown upon it.

It’s an old article, but some poor woman happened upon it and found the need to comment. I found the need to argue with her using made up facts and lies. She took the bait and our conversation is as follows:

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why the attack on plumbers, or any other business owner. My husband is a plumber and we are both Christians. No, his logo doesn't have a fish, but a "Knight" with a small cross on the sheild, representing the armour of faith. Most wouldn't even know the reason for the logo but it's what was chosen to represent HIMSELF, not to scam for business. As Christians, we are told by Jesus that if we don't publicly profess Him to others then He will not profess us to our Heavenly Father. Again, it's just something we choose to do, like others that choose to wear an "I'm with stupid" tee shirt or wear their pants down to their knees. It has nothing to do with using religion to gain business favors. If you have good service, you don't need it anyway, do you? Give the guys a break!!

Doug said...

See mam, that's the problem. If you do have good service, you don't need to trick people in by using a false God symbol. (No where in the Bible is the Shield with a cross on it mentioned, heathen.) If you husband provided good service, he wouldn't need it.

But I tracked down you husband's business and the Better Business Bureau had a few things to say:
1. over charging
2. shoddy craftsmanship
3. kicked a dog at owner's house
4. sleeping on the job
5. huge butt crack reveal

Mam, your husband should have three Jesus fishes and eight shields with a cross, a Jewish star and stack of Quran in his ads just to make sure you get all the business you can.

Good day friend!

Anonymous said...

While the Bible doesn't directly mention a "shield with a cross on it," the 6th chapter of Ephesians mentions putting on the whole armor of God, and one piece of this armor is faith, represented by a shield. Of course, this is symbolic, and so is the empty cross in Christianity. Makes sense to me, since the anonymous poster said earlier that the reason that emblem is used in her husbands logo is to represent the armor of faith.

Doug said...

NO! In the Latin translation of the Bible (I assume you are using the Americanized version) it says in Ephesians 6-12 "Thou shall make of thy SOUL armor of thy Lord." This does not mean a physical logo that you slap on a so-so Plumber's ad in the yellow pages.

You are defiling the Lord with your Pegan symbol. If Jesus were here, he would kick over your yellow pages ad in the Temple along with the tables of doves.

You sicken me.

Anonymous said...

Why in the world are you using the Latin Vulgate as your source when the original letter to the Ephesians was written in Greek...? Most Protestant Christian churches disregard the Latin Vulgate as canon.

The original Greek letter places these two words adjacent to each other: thyreos, which can be translated as a reference to a shield, and pistis, which references "faith."

The verse in question is also Ephesians 6:16, not Ephesians 6:12, or for that matter, 6:11 which sounds more like what you were referring to.

I'm sorry I sicken you. And I sincerely apologize for whatever harm any person has done to you to make you feel a personal vendetta against Christians. But you need to understand that not all Christians are the same, and generalizing Christians does nothing to help any situation. It only makes everything worse, just as Christians generalizing Atheists makes everything worse.

I understand that not all Atheists are snobby condescending Christian hating people who are trying to "extinguish" the world of religion. I hope you understand that not all Christians are Bible-beating fundamentalists who are out to further their own agenda and shove their beliefs down our throats.

Doug said...

Wow, you couldn't be more incorrect. You should check the Hermosis Guanta Codex for help with translation. Most scholars agree to the pistis meaning faith, but thyreos is a derivation of thyrscis, which loosely means a large separation of body or "A big shit." I think basically what they are trying to say is that anyone who would profess their faith along with an advertisement for their work buries their faith in excrement. You should study your bible history. This is an outrage.

Anonymous said...

Lol that was actually pretty funny. But seeing as you're just messing with me now, there's no need to continue. See ya!

Doug said...

Thanks for playing.

Reddit Twitter Fail

Not a complete fail, but a funny coincidence.

xkcd minus xkcd - Pep Tal

via - http://xkcd.com/544/

Old Pedo License Plate - Advertising Child Molestor or Aged Foot Doctor?

PRO TIP: Do not search for the term "old pedo" on-line.

All paper products removed from bathroom prank

Some signs were recently posted in the bathrooms at work outlining some additional resource saving measures:

SIGN POSTED AT URINAL

A COPY OF THE SIGN

You know that someday, it will come down to something similar (like the three shells in the bathrooms from Demolition Man.)

Gun Show

Baking Soda Busted

A Chops/HolyJuan collaboration.

FEED THE GIRL: On Men and Parallel Parking

FEED THE GIRL: On Men and Parallel Parking

One of my favorite Australian actress/models is feeling the torment of wanting the ever so desirable imperfect love in this take what you can get world. See if you can give her some advice.

HolyJuan's First and Only Ever Caption Contest

Please enter your caption for the following photo in the comments section below. The winner gets a free HolyJuan framed business card. Good luck!

Tweet-Up Chivalry

We had a Tweet-up in downtown Columbus at COSI a few weeks ago. A Tweet-up is basically a social gathering of networking internet folk who use Twitter. It was fun to meet people in real life and I got to crack wise and make an ass out of myself.

As the night was wrapping up, I had the opportunity to chat with Erie who works in the Ohio Attorney General's office. She was very cool and I wanted to make sure that I had her name so that I could follow her on Twitter. I had my camera and went to take a photo of her nametag. I realized that I was about to get a picture of her womanly front part protrusion and, giving into modesty, visually blocked her female, chest area protuberance with my hand.

I didn't think anything of it at the time, but now that I look at the photo, I must assume that she thinks I am a complete idiot.

But you have got to give it to me that I didn't say boob once in this entire article.

You can follow me on Twitter at @holyjuan.