Things to do at Skully's UPDATE with photos

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s. I’ve got part of the list below and I wanted to share with you how we did that night.

A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

How’d we do? We only played once and it took about 45 minutes for me to win. I think I guessed New Order.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)

Damon was not there that night.

- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)

Here he is:


- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)

Here is the Old Man


- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)

These two were dressed more 80's punk, but I think the judges will let this one slide.


- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)

Here they are! I don't think they are full time, only part time. Didn’t get the photo of them making out, but believe me! Smoochie smoochie!



- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)

This guy was pretty close. Two beers and a headband? He did a pretty classy job of being "That Guy."


- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)

Did not see him/her. Sorry.

- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

Hello Kitty Girl


C. Where’s is Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

Here is “Doug in ten five years.” (He's the one on the left, asshole.)



D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

I called Acton at some point, but I didn’t hold the phone up in the air.

BONUS! Here was another part of the article about how to prepare/what to do at Skully’s:

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

Stick Empty Beer in Back Pocket



Stick Empty Beer under the Stage


Empty Beer Other


I like Other better

BONUS PHOTOS

Terminator Guy and Old Man in the same photo!


Dave standing next to the main stage make out couple


Old man dancing with Goth Girl (look for her at the bottom of the photo) with Dave and other dude giving the thumbs up.


Here is my boss Erik dancing with Michelle.


And here, my friends, is a heart-breaking photo of Jenn, Dave, Doug and Meshell. Dave is moving to Maine next month. Meshell is heading to New York City. Skully's will never, ever be the same.


Last call.

The Kramer Triplets do the O-H-I-O

Triplets? Yeah, I know, there's four of them. I had to take Jenn and shop her in as that fourth letter.

Time Travel Photo Fix

I got this e-mail from a reader:

Hello HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me out. A few weeks ago, I took this photo at my daughter's seventh birthday. To my embarrassment, the 7 is backwards in the photo.

Anyway you can fix this for me?

Thanks,

Tina

Here is the photo in question.


Dear Tina,

I think I can help you. Sadly, my pirated version of CorelDRAW is locked up and I cannot shop it for you.

BUT! My time machine is working. I'll just go back in time to a right before the photo is taken and turn it for you. Hold on just a minute...

OK, I'm back! Sorry that took so long. I stuck a round a few extra days and took a little vacation in the past. While there, I went all the way back to June to fix a little drunken incident at a party in Chicago. I'm sure no one will mind. Here is the photo!



Take care!

HolyJuan

Margot and the Nuclear So and So's on Conan O'Brien

Love this band. I also love the Back Piano.

Ask HolyJuan: Itch that Needs a Scratch

Dear HolyJuan,

I’m hoping you can help me out with a relationship issue.

I just recently got out of a long term relationship and am playing the field. I have recently started to date a guy, but it is not serious yet. I do not think I am ready to jump back into a heavy relationship, but I also have an itch that needs a scratch.

Is it OK to have sex with this new guy I’m dating or would you suggest something else?

Thanks,

Cindy

PS And no, the itch is not an STD… it means I want to get laid.


Dear Cindy,

Hey, is that itch you have crabs? (I know, but I had to say it anyways.)

Listen Cindy, you sound like a nice girl, especially when you say you want to get laid. But I think you are heading down the same path of your previous relationship. If you are dating a guy and then work into sex, you form a bond and that leads to exclusive dating and next thing you know you are picking out flowers and a photographer.

You want sexual relief without the relationship? Here are a few options:

1. Go Gay
Maybe what you need is an experimental weekend to curb your enthusiasm. I suggest getting all dressed up, hitting a club you do not often frequent, picking out a girl that is just slightly hotter than you and buying her a drink. This doesn’t work for guys, but somehow works for girls. Dance with her. Make the first move. Make out a bit to “tease the boys.” Then whisper those oh so lovely words, “Let’s go back to your place.” Jump, chomp and the deed is done. Do not take her back to your place, because if she is a true lesbian, she might try to move in the next day.

2. Go Old
Find a nice, older guy (say 38 years old) and let him buy you stuff and bang you. Old guys are good at that. They also last forever in the sack, due to the medicine they take to get it up. By banging a geezer, you get free stuff, you get laid and the guy will probably die of old age before you fall in love with him. If he starts pawing on you and wanting to have a deeper relationship, threaten to tell his wife and boil his kids’ rabbit.

3. Find a Friend
Nothing is better than friends who have non-committal sex. This way, you all ready have the relationship thing out of the way. You pretty much know your friend and can predict the outcomes. And also your friend probably all ready wants to nail you because guys cannot be friends with girls without wanting to have sex with them. So look around and if you see a guy that is a friend, I highly suggest you have sex with him.

Some people are born into their careers

I'm guessing his middle name is Ken.

Jesus Takes a Shower

Please scroll down to see all three panels.

Obama Withdraws Clinton Secretary of State Offer

CHICAGO, IL – Speaking to a crowd of reporters this evening near President Elect Barack Obama’s office, Robert Gibbs announced that Obama was recanting his appointment of the Secretary of State position to Hillary Clinton. “We are disappointed to announce that due to a clerical error we must withdraw the offer of the position.”

All this week, Washington has been abuzz with the prospect of once opponent Clinton becoming one of the highest regarded positions in the new administration. Obama has repeatedly waved off speculation about the appointment by saying, “I do not believe this to be a very big deal.”

But earlier today during a Q&A session with the President Elect, it seemed that reporters pressing for more information about the Secretary of State appointment caused Obama a bit of pause and he called Robert Gibbs over for a private meeting. Hours after the meeting, Gibbs made the announcement that the position is still open. “It seems that when President Elect Obama was asked to think about what role he wanted Hillary to take on in his administration, he wrote down the position on a piece of paper and handed it off to an aide. The aide misunderstood what was written on the paper and we apologize for the confusion it might have caused.”

Our sources were able to dig the discarded piece of paper from the Presidential Elect Official Recycling Bin. The contents of the note are shown below.

Reddit Thumbnail Photo Fail

The Reddit thumbnail photo system needs some massaging.

Bedroom Political Systems

Morning Math

A Clintonista Apologizes

A few months ago, I had an internet tussle with a Clintonista. (If you are not aware, a Clintonista is like a pitbull without lipstick.) You can see the comments here: http://clintonista.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/what-hillary-clintons-impressive-pennsylvania-win-means/#comments

During our little debate, this Clintonista said that she would offer up an apology if Obama won the election.

Well, as you can guess, I have not heard from her.

So instead, I've written the apology letter for her:

Dear HolyJuan,

As I promised, here is my apology.

I am sorry for criticizing you when it turned out that you were right and I was wrong.

I am sorry for turning my back on the Democratic Party.

I am sorry for any hurt feelings I may have caused any Obama supporters by blindly supporting McCain when Hillary was defeated in the primaries.

I am sorry that I doubted Barack Obama. My love for Hillary Clinton was absolute and I had to blame someone for her loss.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Obama for throwing Clinton a bone and making Hillary Secretary of State.

HolyJuan, you might not be the most handsome man in the world, but I respect you and your opinion and maybe someday I will earn your respect.

Your (hopefully someday) friend,

A Clintonista


Wow! Very nice.

Here is my reply:

Dear A Clintonista,

You can take your stinking apology and shove it. The election is over and I could care less about you and your horrific opinions.

Good Day,

HolyJuan

PS I will still read your site everyday!! I love it!

True Confession

I sometimes listen to Radio Disney when the kids are not in the car.

X is for X-Ray - M is for Mutation

Greg and I were going over a reading worksheet from his kindergarten class. I noticed that the hand in the x-ray photo looked odd.


Luckily they are only teaching him to read and not about biology.

(Hint: Count the fingers.)

Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s

It is not very hard to believe that Skully's Music Diner has been hosting the ghost of Mean Mr. Mustards in the form of Ladies 80's Night since 2001. We started going to Ladies 80’s night on Thursdays in the 2nd year and have been pretty faithful ever since. It used to be that we’d go twice a month. Then once a month. Then once every two months. Now it's twice a year. But we still go.

Dave and Freckled Jenn and I always try to go together. Sometimes other friends will go. Sometimes it’s just Dave and I. Sometime I go alone, but that is another tale.

Here is our Thursday night routine:

0. Dress
I wrote all the stuff below first and realized I left out “dress” so I stuffed it up here as “0.” I hope you don’t mind. Skully’s is for dancing and that means comfortable shoes. I suggest Converse or a pair of sneakers that you don’t mind have spilled beer on the top and unknown sticky stuff on the bottom. You don’t have to wear 80’s clothes, but it doesn’t hurt. I usually wear something Homestar Runner.

1. Pre-drinks
Meet somewhere else and have some warm up beers. Sometimes we play darts. Sometimes we eat a snack. Sometimes we just vent and drink. Usually we try to find a bar that is close to the Short North so that we can convince our friends to join us once the short venture over.

2. Hem and Haw
Sometimes we aren’t exactly sure if we are going to go to Skully’s. We attempt to trick ourselves into thinking that we have families and jobs and that we shouldn't be out until early morning. Then we give in. We usually wait until about 11:00pm to head over. Midnight can come creeping up pretty quickly and we’ll stare across the table / down the bar from each other and ask, “Well? Do you want to go?” Sometimes one of us will just say, “Let’s go,” and we do. Sadly, sometimes we do just go home. But not this Thursday.

3. Park
There are several very close and secret places to park, but I’m not about to give those away. I suggest having Two-sack drive you so that you don’t have to drive yourself home.

4. Meet
Wait for everyone to arrive by the front bar. First one in buys a round of Miller Lite, the Skully’s beer of choice. When you get a tab, you need to give them your credit card and license. Don't act like a chump and question them on this.  They give you a number that you show them every time you order a drink (which better be a lot.)

5. Scout
Check out the lay of the land in the front. See anyone you know? No you don’t, because they are at home with their spouses and kids. Walk to the back and see what kind of a night it is going to be. If it is 10:00pm and not crowded, do not fret.

6. Location Location Location
We have a spot on the dance floor. Our spot is to the left of the stage, five feet back and ten feet in from the wall. It’s close to a trash can and near to the patio exit. We also have an excellent view of the stage area where the magic happens.

7. Dance
I have two dances: hands up and hands down. I also spin a lot, especially during “If You Leave" by OMD or “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure.

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

9. Dance More and if not, Smoke
Keep dancing. When a crappy song comes on, walk out back and take a breather on the patio. The patio is good for smoking and people watching. I do a little of both.

10. Rinse and Repeat
Keep going until they kick you out around 2:15am. If you have a meeting the next day, it’s best to leave early at 2:10am so you can get some sleep. I have learned, to my utter sorrow, that I can no longer function the next day after a Skully’s night.

While you are at Skully’s on 80’s ladies night, there are several things that we do to pass the time. Some are obnoxious. Some are just plain stupid. We love them all.

A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)
- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)
- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)
- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)
- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)
- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)
- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)
- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

C. Where’s the Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

Don’t miss out. See you at Skully’s, this Thursday night around 11 or midnight. We’ll be in our spot.

Palin Preparing to Run for President in 2009

PROLIFIA, ALASKA- On an unusually warm day in Alaska, Governor Sarah Palin announced that she will be running for the office of the President of the United States. In 2009. Governor Palin thanked the crowd of over 350 and also thanked God for the pleasant weather, “It’s good to see the Lord is with us today. I’m not sure where He was last Tuesday, but who am I to question His ways?”

Governor Palin spoke very briefly about the failed McCain campaign and that there was not a lot of time to “mess around” which is why she is seeking the office for 2009. “We cannot waste any time while Barack Hussein Obama shoves these United States of America down the crapper. This is why I will be running for President of the United States in 2009.”

Attempts to share with Governor Palin that the election will not be held until 2012 were met with mild amusement from the Governor, “The McCain people tried to tell me the same thing, but we are gonna push on forward and never wave the white flag of surrender.”

The Ex-Vice Presidential candidate shook hands with the crowd and signed autographs. Governor Palin then descended upon a thrift shop where she purchased $15.25 worth of clothes. “Enough for the whole campaign!” The thrifty Governor Palin requested that her fans re-use the 2008 campaign signs, “Just cross out McCain and turn the 8 into a 9. We use that trick when filling our travel vouchers at the Governor’s mansion.”

When asked about a running partner and she quickly replied, “You media types can’t trick me this time! We’ve decided not to reveal my running mate until three days before the election so that we can ride the surge in the polls through the voting day stuff.”

How to Fake an Orgasm

Faking an orgasm is a necessity in any relationship. Sometimes you need to get to sleep, get to work or get the babysitter home. Most people are used to the "Yes, yes yes!!" fake orgasm and can see right through it. You need something a little more creative. In the midst of inconclusive passion, use one of these tactics to wrap things up and get on with watching the Daily Show.

1. The Silent Stop
Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”

2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.

3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.

4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.

5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.

McCain's an underdog to the end

GOP confident in scheme to dupe Dems with election day switch

COLUMBUS, OH – There were rounds of high fives and chest bumps at an undisclosed Republican office this Monday night. They were celebrating a successful viral attack on local Democrats. Mr. R (not his real name) was beaming with pride, “We got word from the HQ that we were to do everything possible to get McCain elected. We think we pretty much nailed it.”

Mr. R reported that his next door neighbor, Mr. C (not his real name) heard about a subversive act in other cities to trick Democrats into voting on the wrong day. They decided to try it and in Mr. C’s words, “It worked like a charm!” The two posted signs all over the neighborhood stating that there were too many people voting and that the voting would be split up over two days. We found hundreds of these signs over the Columbus area.



Monday morning had Mr. R and Mr. C wearing camouflage and hiding in the bushes, counting hundreds of Obama supporters heading to the polls. They laughed as they passed the binoculars back and forth all morning. “We don’t feel bad for anyone that is stupid enough not actually vote on Election Day. We’ll be laughing it up tomorrow night when the polls close at midnight.”

I skiped school to see Sarah

George Bush's updated list of Presidential Pardons

Porn Star Parking (SFW)

We saw this handicapped parking space at a local restaurant yesterday.

Thanks to Conny, we now know what it is for.

Thanks to Keegan for the photo.

Turn about is fair play for McCain

Empty, originally uploaded by berik.

You may have heard the rumor that Obama kicked three reporters off his campaign jet to make room for a few other media types. The three he kicked off came from newspapers who endorsed McCain.

McCain announced that he, too, was going to remove all the reporters from his campaign jet that came from media outlets that endorsed Obama.

You can see the results.

The Crunchie

A crunchie is a collection of congealed, random deep fryer particles that gather together over several rounds of fast food fries, fish bits, nuggets or cheese sticks and somehow gain buoyancy and are set free once they are big enough to get stuck in the small metal openings of the wire basket.

This crunchie managed to make it past Quality Control person #13 at the local Arby's.



The penny is not there to help you determine the size of the crunchie, but rather to make you think about which would be healthier to swallow.

Anyone got any photographic evidence of a larger crunchie or should I send this photo off to Guinness World Records?

Screenshot of John McCain's 1/2 hour infomercial

Palin's Plan

Jesus Votes

Sarah Palin chooses “Joe the Plumber” as her Vice Vice President

ST. LOUIS, Missouri (HJN) – In an unprecedented turn of events, Governor Sarah Palin has announced that “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher will be running as her Vice Vice President in the 2008 Election. The announcement came shortly after her three hour deposition to the state Personnel Board, which is looking into whether she unfairly fired Alaska's public safety director this summer.

Surrounded by her family and the Wurzelbacher family, Governor Palin made the announcement at a planned, impromptu press conference, “I think that any true American would be just as proud as all get out to have “Joe the Plumber” as their Vice Vice President."

When questioned about the role of the Vice Vice President, Governor Palin was keen to reply, “Cleaning up Washington is gonna take a lot of work and elbow grease. While John is off killing the terrorists and while I am running the Senate and the House, and my VVP “Joe the Plumber” will be in DC, unclogging the pipes of democracy.”

A press release later announced in detail some more of his official roles:
Captain of the Post Office
Leader of Highway Making
National Park Lumberjack Boss
Coast Guard Person Man
Todd Palin #1 Drinking Buddy East of the Mississippi

“Joe The Plumber” was a bit taken back by all the attention, “It all happened kind of fast. I was working on my 03’ taxes when a bunch of really nice guys in suits came in and asked me sports trivia questions for about an hour. Sarah said it sounded rough and that her vetting only lasted half as long.”

Directly after the press conference, Governor Palin was overheard discussing the Vice Vice President position with a reporter who was questioning the validity of a Vice President creating the role of Vice Vice President. She happily replied, “Listen silly goose, if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past eight years, it’s that the Vice President can pretty much do what ever they want.”

HolyJuan's YankFest Marathon Weekend and a new site partner!

Hello Loyal Readers,

As you all know, this weekend’s “HolyJuan's YankFest Marathon” will be a mastabatorial frenzy of self gratification. During this 48 hour self-manipulating tug and toss, we hope to get at least 80 readers to unleash their inner seed(s). I saw that KY stock went up 15% on the news of this impending, self wankifying event.

While every male is covering his belly in creamy man-onnaise and all the girls are writhing in self glory, I’d like to let you know that we have a new site partner. WELCOME ABOARD TABUP.COM!!

I’m not sure what tabup.com is, but the guy e-mailed me and asked if I could promote his product. I’m guessing he blindly searched the internet and found my site and sent me an e-mail without really doing any site research.

The e-mail he sent said that his product will “strengthen group interaction” so I’m guessing that it will help when two or more of you are enjoying each other’s loins.

So, while you are all giving yourself a raise this weekend, think about me and think about tabup.com –

I’d also like you all to remember not to randomly send out e-mails asking to be promoted on a site that you don’t read.

Why does the white man always have to keep the black man down?

Man annoyed that his Ron Paul 2008 yard sign has not been stolen

WESTERVILLE, OH - This election has not been working out as planned for John Laughlin of Westerville, Ohio. “I voted for Paul in the primaries. When that didn’t stick, we started a write-in campaign for Ron. My yard sign has been proudly displayed for thirty two weeks now and I haven’t had one theft yet. It’s a bit discouraging”

The sign is displayed prominently in Laughlin’s yard on a busy side street. He guided me through some of his defenses. “I spent $150 on motion detectors and $75 on extra cable for my webcam.” His plan to capture possible thieves in the act has gone unexecuted. “I’ve got the sign pulled up so that getting it out of the ground would not take much effort.”

While Obama and McCain supporters in the neighborhood point fingers at each other concerning a recent string of sign thefts, Mr. Laughlin shakes his head. “I thought I would be out here every day chasing off Freedom Naysayers. Instead, these other two clowns get all the sign theft press. Hell, even the Peterson's 'Elect Nader' sign got knocked over at least once."

Like any Ron Paul supporter, Mr. Laughlin is very positive, “There’s always 2012! I just have to edit the existing 2012 signs I had made up to get rid of the ‘Re-Elect’ to just read ‘Elect.’”

Miss Sally and Doug - Halloween 2008

I got a call from Miss Sally on Friday. I was in a meeting, so I let it go to voice mail. A minute later, she called back. As you know, this is couples' secret code for "THIS IS IMPORTANT" so I made my leave and ducked into the hallway to answer the call.

"I'm at Target and I am looking at costumes."

It was an important call!

"What did you find?"

"Costumes from 'The Learning Channel.'"

I asked, "You mean like lion and tiger Learning Channel costumes?"

"No. From the Miami Ink line. Tattooed chick and dude costumes."

"Buy them. Buy them now."

So here we are:

Miss Sally and Doug with a slightly concerned Anne.




Greg is excited that mom and dad are free thinkers.




The prim and proper Miss Sally downs her Jell-o shot with a fork.



I stood too close to the fire and my tattoo shirt permanently melted on to my skin.

New Corporate Branding

Our company is trying some new Branding and changing our work attire is one method of creating a new look and feel.

I was asked to try out the new uniform. I think it looks awesome.


The colors represent sincerity, allegiance and fortitude.


The shirt also keeps my bra flab minimized while increasing the girth of my pipes.

Elementary School Teaching American Children English… With a British Accent!

LANCASTER, OH - Tallmadge Elementary in Lancaster, Ohio is a very normal Midwestern grade school: there's a flag pole, kids running around on the playground, a cafeteria that smells a little like Johnny-Marzetti and a whole generation of children learning the Queen's English. And when I say Queen's English, I mean with the British accent, right-o!

Harken Stackmore is the 3rd grade English teacher and teaches the children Received Pronunciation or as you and I might call it, British Accent English. (Read Mr. Stackmore's quotes with a British accent for full effect.) "The children are marvelous pupils and have accepted learning proper English not only in a grammatical sense, but with a British flair as well." When asked why teach and enforce a British accent, Mr. Stackmore was very clear, "A British accent sounds more intelligent that the standard American accent. These Midwesterns run their e's and o's together and add extra syllables where none should exist. I'm not only making them smarter… I'm making them sound smarter."

Principal Harvey Rogers agrees with Harken Stackmore, "When I watch an infomercial on the T.V., I tend to think the British people sound smarter. I'm more likely to buy from one or vote on American Idol for whoever the British person says to." When the program started, Principal Rogers was a bit doubtful, "I didn't think it was gonna work, but when I heard a nine year old girl talking in an accent about her 'pleats and whatnot' I was sold."

Local parents are still a little unsure. Marion Rents' son, Bill, is in the fourth grade and into his second year of British English, "Bill says stuff and I can't understand him sometimes. Of course, before the class, he said a lot of stuff I didn't understand much neither." Her husband was a little less critical, "He sounds like a military officer from the movies. I think it's cool." Bill did not have much to say except, "I like it. I like it a lot."

Mr. Stackmore teaches his style of Queen's English in three parts. He explained, "Part one involves re-learning pronunciation of the alphabet. This is accomplished by watching the film 'Mary Poppins' over and again. Part two is sub-divided into common British phrases and learning how to be embarrassed easily. Part three is comprised of slang, cockney insults and talking about how much better we British are than the rest of the world."

While Mr. Stackmore continues his classes and guiding the other teachers on British pronunciation and gestures, he hopes that someday his methods will spread throughout Ohio and the United States, "The colonies could use a good verbal scrubbing. And I've got the oratory brush to do it. Look, I have no choice but to acknowledge Britain's diminished status in the world. But, I'm trying to do my part for Queen and country. While we Brits can no longer say 'The Sun Never Sets on the British Empire,' I'm hoping that we can at least say that 'The Sun Never Sets on the British Accent.' Cheerio, Governor."

Guess who is running for President?

You knew is was going to happen...

Click here to see the video!

Special thanks to Dustin Heveron.

Fake News Stories to be Made Illegal

Washington(AP) Another casualty of the financial crisis might be that the Untied States Congress has lost its funny bone. A bill introduced yesterday by Rex Bauman (D) Ohio would make fake news stories illegal and punishable by a fine of $1,000 with up to six months in prison. Representative Bauman stated, “These false news stories are as dangerous as rumor and vicious as libel. Recently, I was fooled into believing that Blackwater security forces were kicking people out of their homes in Chicago. A few angry phone calls later, I found out that this was just a fake new story. This is just wrong.”

Some online publications like The Onion and BBSpot thrive on satirical news stories. Lewis Holloway from The Onion stated that, “No one could ever think this shit was real. That was until about three years ago when the actual news started catching up with our articles from five years ago.” Lewis brought out a number of articles that his publication created in the past that have now become reality. May 2000 “Fuck It, Let’s Invade Iraq” and December 2004 “Black Dude says, ‘Shit, If This A-hole Can Be President, Why Can’t I?’”

Many people assume that the news that they read on the internet is true or at least grounded in fact. The Pew Research Center finished a study that found most people believe just about anything when a credible news source like Associated Press or The Pew Research Center is mentioned. “It’s a vicious cycle. News stories about fake news stories are then parodied and no one knows where the truth begins and satire ends. Pretty soon, quotes are not being associated with an actual person and nothing you read can be trusted.”

By this journalist’s account, there are currently two fake news stories on CNN alone with three on MSNBC, two on CSPAN and one hundred and eighty two on The Fox News Network. Representative Bauman summed it up quite nicely when he said, “I’m pretty sure that I’ll be quoted in some fake news story in the next week or two and no one will know the better.”

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