Photo via Jim Wilson/The New York Times
Who will McCain choose once Palin drops off the ticket?
I do not want to debate whether or not Governor Palin is going to drop off McCain’s ticket as Vice President… that is pretty much a given. As a matter of fact, I think McCain’s consultants preparing for it and are going to try to spin it for more media cycles.
But who will McCain pick next? He's got to out do himself again. Let’s look at the possibilities:
1. Hillary Clinton
Pros
-18 Million votes guaranteed!
-boobies
-she will unleash pent up vitriolic rage against Obama
Cons
-raving lunatic PUMAs and Clintonistas will simultaneously explode causing big mess
-might end up President if McCain dies
-Christian Conservatives would get caught in an infinite prayer feedback loop of praying to win and praying to lose.
2. Heath Ledger
Pros
-major Superstar
-wide appeal
-won’t say anything stupid
-cool accent
Cons
-dead
-even dead, can’t make McCain look younger or better
-Christian Conservatives don’t like guys that have sex with guys, even if it was just in a movie
3. Inanimate Carbon Rod
Pros
-Older than McCain thus making him look younger
-phallic
-Inanimate, which means it can’t fuck up
-TV star (young kids love it)
-easy to vet
Cons
-Rod is a gay name
-Christian Conservatives don’t like the periodic table
4. Hillary Clinton’s Pantsuit
Pros
-If you can’t get Hillary, it’s the next best thing
-won’t cry or eat your soul
-wash and wear
Cons
-Remnants of Bill on the back
-reversible
-Christian Conservatives don’t like female pants. It’s the devil’s stitchery.
5. The Statue of Liberty
Pros
-100% American (Although the French thing will come out later in the media.)
-Older than McCain but still slightly hot
-Good with dates, reads books, likes foreigners, knows her place and has a huge ass torch
Cons
-Freakishly tall
-hollow
-small boobs
Christian Conservatives don’t like unmarried women with careers
But who will McCain pick next? He's got to out do himself again. Let’s look at the possibilities:
1. Hillary Clinton
Pros
-18 Million votes guaranteed!
-boobies
-she will unleash pent up vitriolic rage against Obama
Cons
-raving lunatic PUMAs and Clintonistas will simultaneously explode causing big mess
-might end up President if McCain dies
-Christian Conservatives would get caught in an infinite prayer feedback loop of praying to win and praying to lose.
2. Heath Ledger
Pros
-major Superstar
-wide appeal
-won’t say anything stupid
-cool accent
Cons
-dead
-even dead, can’t make McCain look younger or better
-Christian Conservatives don’t like guys that have sex with guys, even if it was just in a movie
3. Inanimate Carbon Rod
Pros
-Older than McCain thus making him look younger
-phallic
-Inanimate, which means it can’t fuck up
-TV star (young kids love it)
-easy to vet
Cons
-Rod is a gay name
-Christian Conservatives don’t like the periodic table
4. Hillary Clinton’s Pantsuit
Pros
-If you can’t get Hillary, it’s the next best thing
-won’t cry or eat your soul
-wash and wear
Cons
-Remnants of Bill on the back
-reversible
-Christian Conservatives don’t like female pants. It’s the devil’s stitchery.
5. The Statue of Liberty
Pros
-100% American (Although the French thing will come out later in the media.)
-Older than McCain but still slightly hot
-Good with dates, reads books, likes foreigners, knows her place and has a huge ass torch
Cons
-Freakishly tall
-hollow
-small boobs
Christian Conservatives don’t like unmarried women with careers
HolyJuan at Skreened.com
I know that 50% of my fans (one of you) have been asking me about HolyJuan apparel. Until recently, the only clothing you could buy was a pair of boxers with the stain that roughly looked like toast.
Now, BEHOLD! You can find HolyJuan t-shirts at skreened.com. They are a Columbus t-shirt company and I hope to sell one shirt in the next six months.
So far I only have one design.
Let me know if you want something personalized. Jesus cartoon shirts are sure to be next.
Buy me.
Now, BEHOLD! You can find HolyJuan t-shirts at skreened.com. They are a Columbus t-shirt company and I hope to sell one shirt in the next six months.
So far I only have one design.
Let me know if you want something personalized. Jesus cartoon shirts are sure to be next.
Buy me.
Greg Draws
Greg drew the picture below at pre-school.
Obviously this is a drawing of a tree with partial greening (a by-product of high acidic soil), a cornfield with two stalks of corn (the rest sold for Ethanol) and a boy with rockets in his hands, flying above it all with poop shooting out of his butt.
It reminded me of weebls-stuff.com cartoon called A Walk in the Woods.
Greg has never seen this cartoon and I'm wondering if I will be thinking about it at his first parent/teacher conference in November.
Obviously this is a drawing of a tree with partial greening (a by-product of high acidic soil), a cornfield with two stalks of corn (the rest sold for Ethanol) and a boy with rockets in his hands, flying above it all with poop shooting out of his butt.
It reminded me of weebls-stuff.com cartoon called A Walk in the Woods.
Greg has never seen this cartoon and I'm wondering if I will be thinking about it at his first parent/teacher conference in November.
A story (ending) for Dustin
Dustin and I were communicating via e-mail when I said that once he became famous, he should consider me for a role in a film as the perverted married guy gym teacher (or something similar.)
He replied:
I was thinking of you more as the lovable Neo-Nazi captain that dies in the final scene amidst a mass of gunfire, explosions and Hooters girls...but I guess your idea could work, too.
So, here is that movie ending:
Capt. Juan VonDyke, crashed to the floor amidst the chicken bones and greasy napkins, landing hard on his empty ammo belt. The torrent stream of lead from the Guttensprigel slammed into the wood table, its glossy epoxy coating, which for years had deflected beer and magic markered napkins, splintered under the punishing accelerated mass of the overheating weapon. His legs had stopped working after the 10th shot of Southern Comfort, but seemed to want to return to duty as he began to pull himself across the floor.
Raine was also on the floor, her tray covering her head. She saw Capt. Juan VonDyke knocked sideways by the explosion and realized for the first time that she was in love with the lovable Neo-Nazi Captain with much love and stuff. Her love was short lived as she was blown to bits by a blowing up type weapon.
Bits of Raine rained down on VonDyke and a chunk of plastic hit him in the eye. With his good eye, he could see the Hooter’s name tag with the word Raine covered in blood. All the weeks he ordered those shitty wings and drank the piss warm, water down draft beer had done to waste. He stood up and screamed.
Deep in his chest, his waxy, grease coated heart broke.
He replied:
I was thinking of you more as the lovable Neo-Nazi captain that dies in the final scene amidst a mass of gunfire, explosions and Hooters girls...but I guess your idea could work, too.
So, here is that movie ending:
Capt. Juan VonDyke, crashed to the floor amidst the chicken bones and greasy napkins, landing hard on his empty ammo belt. The torrent stream of lead from the Guttensprigel slammed into the wood table, its glossy epoxy coating, which for years had deflected beer and magic markered napkins, splintered under the punishing accelerated mass of the overheating weapon. His legs had stopped working after the 10th shot of Southern Comfort, but seemed to want to return to duty as he began to pull himself across the floor.
Raine was also on the floor, her tray covering her head. She saw Capt. Juan VonDyke knocked sideways by the explosion and realized for the first time that she was in love with the lovable Neo-Nazi Captain with much love and stuff. Her love was short lived as she was blown to bits by a blowing up type weapon.
Bits of Raine rained down on VonDyke and a chunk of plastic hit him in the eye. With his good eye, he could see the Hooter’s name tag with the word Raine covered in blood. All the weeks he ordered those shitty wings and drank the piss warm, water down draft beer had done to waste. He stood up and screamed.
Deep in his chest, his waxy, grease coated heart broke.
The Turtle and the Universe
I read Stephen Whitt’s book “The Turtle and the Universe” because it seemed interesting, but mainly because I work with the guy and I thought I’d throw him a bone. Months ago, while attending a funeral, Steve and I spoke at length about the book writing process and the soon to be published book topic: turtles and science.I like science, but am not a big fan of turtles. They rank about 312th on my list of favorite animals between the
Wow. I was wrong.
This book is as wonderful as it is enlightening. Meant mainly for the middle school science crowd, this book really touched me. A science book!
Someone as simple as me would summarize the book like this: the universe went boom, some carbon when flying willy-nilly, the Earth got sucker punched by the moon, some stuff was bubbling on the sea floor, turtles cry as they abandon their kids on the beach and hopefully humans will get their act together and quit messing with our planet.
Steve, instead, weaves a story using easy to digest science with the heartwarming, if not harsh tale of the sea turtle's life. It is a story about our far away past and our very near future. And it is all brought together in a very understandable way.
It is refreshing to read a book that warns us against ourselves without being preachy. Or explains the origin of life without having to drag out a dictionary. It is a book about sea turtles and science, but that is the head fake; the story is really about you and me.
This book is turtles all the way down.
Please buy it. Read it to your nine year old. I’ve got mine on the shelf for Greg and Ann.
{Buy Steve's book on Amazon.com.}
Erik Eats: World Traveler seeks 7-11 Snack
Erik is hungry. By my calculations, he hasn’t eaten in about four months. Lucky for him, he could use the weight loss.
Erik’s crack team of Food Finders have been very busy flying around the world in search of the perfect food. This week’s adventure takes us to Egypt, the land of the seven headed snake that destroys all by shooting our streams of lava from its gaping maw.
This week’s food for Erik Eats is brought out in a traditional Al’Ecrut, the “Cask of Snack,” in which Egyptian Pharaohs were served a mystery food. Erik has donned a traditional Egyptian necklace or Fraca before opening his snack.
What could this Al’Ecrut hold?
Ah ha! Paprika Pringles!
(They look to be sitting atop a pair of ripped up boxers.)
Pringles were a native snack of Egypt before being brought to the United States in 1919 by refugees of the Egyptian/Cylesian War. Kal ed Mufurssa sold the recipe to Mr. Pringles for 2.3 million dollars. In today’s currency, that would be about $415.
It seems this half can of Pringles was purchased at the Cairo Airport for 30 Egyptian Dollars.
I tried to do the math and failed, so I headed to the internet.
Holy shit! Six bucks for a half can of Pringles? This had better be good.
A closer look at the can reveals that this isn’t just a snack, but rather a savoury snack!
Erik carefully opens the can.
Inside!
Wow. Not bad for a 15,900 mile journey and three cavity searches. (Josh went back for seconds and thirds.)
FUN FACT: Egyptian Pharaohs were buried with fresh potatoes that were held in place by large rocks. Over time, these potatoes dried out and flattened. Grave robbers used to eat these delicious snacks while making off with precious treasure. There were known to rub the potato snack under their arms to make them savoury.
(Is this the freaking Rosetta Stone or what?)
Erik takes a chip and begins to eat…
Wait a minute.. doesn’t Erik look a little bit like Xerxes from the 300 Movie?
No, I'm sorry. I was thinking about the Imhotep character from "The Mummy."
While Erik was being photoshopped, Josh tried the Pringles.
His explosion of excitement is evident.
Steph also tried them and elicited an equally explosive reaction.
Erik's decision about the Paprika Pringles?
Thumbs up, they are delicious!!
And the final test is, of course, checking out if the Pringles can make a duck mouth.
Kiss that mummy curse goodbye because this archeologist is only digging up flavor!
Next Week: A trip to Hapventten Sweeden has chocolate going in one end and chocolate syrup coming out the other.
Erik’s crack team of Food Finders have been very busy flying around the world in search of the perfect food. This week’s adventure takes us to Egypt, the land of the seven headed snake that destroys all by shooting our streams of lava from its gaping maw.
This week’s food for Erik Eats is brought out in a traditional Al’Ecrut, the “Cask of Snack,” in which Egyptian Pharaohs were served a mystery food. Erik has donned a traditional Egyptian necklace or Fraca before opening his snack.
What could this Al’Ecrut hold?
Ah ha! Paprika Pringles!
(They look to be sitting atop a pair of ripped up boxers.)
Pringles were a native snack of Egypt before being brought to the United States in 1919 by refugees of the Egyptian/Cylesian War. Kal ed Mufurssa sold the recipe to Mr. Pringles for 2.3 million dollars. In today’s currency, that would be about $415.
It seems this half can of Pringles was purchased at the Cairo Airport for 30 Egyptian Dollars.
I tried to do the math and failed, so I headed to the internet.
Holy shit! Six bucks for a half can of Pringles? This had better be good.
A closer look at the can reveals that this isn’t just a snack, but rather a savoury snack!
Erik carefully opens the can.
Inside!
Wow. Not bad for a 15,900 mile journey and three cavity searches. (Josh went back for seconds and thirds.)
FUN FACT: Egyptian Pharaohs were buried with fresh potatoes that were held in place by large rocks. Over time, these potatoes dried out and flattened. Grave robbers used to eat these delicious snacks while making off with precious treasure. There were known to rub the potato snack under their arms to make them savoury.
(Is this the freaking Rosetta Stone or what?)
Erik takes a chip and begins to eat…
Wait a minute.. doesn’t Erik look a little bit like Xerxes from the 300 Movie?
No, I'm sorry. I was thinking about the Imhotep character from "The Mummy."
While Erik was being photoshopped, Josh tried the Pringles.
His explosion of excitement is evident.
Steph also tried them and elicited an equally explosive reaction.
Erik's decision about the Paprika Pringles?
Thumbs up, they are delicious!!
And the final test is, of course, checking out if the Pringles can make a duck mouth.
Kiss that mummy curse goodbye because this archeologist is only digging up flavor!
Next Week: A trip to Hapventten Sweeden has chocolate going in one end and chocolate syrup coming out the other.
You won the bet
About eight months ago, I lost a bet to Conny because Ohio State could not put their money where my mouth was. As I am not a welsher on bets, (except the $100 “Hair Past Her Shoulders” bet with Red Head Jen and your long hair is totally worth the $100 so technically I DID pay) I got my $20 together and got it ready to give to Conny.
First I laid out the 20 one dollar bills and taped them together.
With a flip, my canvas was ready.
I added some insults that are very personal to Conny. I made them in the first person so the strippers he gives them to will know a little bit more about my good friend Conny.
My personal favorite:
Here is the complete list of insults:
I like little boys.
My birth certificate is an apology from the condom company.
I like Vista.
McCain is Dreamy
I don’t get “The Office.”
I like anal sex, just don’t choke me so hard.
Kazaam was hilarious.
I then took the canvas apart and stacked them so that his secrets would remain as such. I can imagine a young girl with the stage name "The Librarian" getting a piece of this puzzle and wondering what the mystery message was.
Congratulations Conny! You won the bet!
Double or nothing on the OSU v. OU game?
First I laid out the 20 one dollar bills and taped them together.
With a flip, my canvas was ready.
I added some insults that are very personal to Conny. I made them in the first person so the strippers he gives them to will know a little bit more about my good friend Conny.
My personal favorite:
Here is the complete list of insults:
I like little boys.
My birth certificate is an apology from the condom company.
I like Vista.
McCain is Dreamy
I don’t get “The Office.”
I like anal sex, just don’t choke me so hard.
Kazaam was hilarious.
I then took the canvas apart and stacked them so that his secrets would remain as such. I can imagine a young girl with the stage name "The Librarian" getting a piece of this puzzle and wondering what the mystery message was.
Congratulations Conny! You won the bet!
Double or nothing on the OSU v. OU game?
You're doing a great joerb
I bought the HomeStar Runner T-shirt three years ago for Greg. The smallest size was way too big for him then, so we packed it away.
Last week, I dug it out of the closet. It fits him perfectly.
Last week, I dug it out of the closet. It fits him perfectly.
Unbelievable, but I still believe
For a few days now, I’ve been thinking about the moment when Obama announces Hillary as his running mate. I think it could have happened. I think it would have been great for the ticket. I know there are as many Clintonistas that hate Obama as there are Obamites that hate Clinton. But I thought that everyone would get over themselves for the greater good (or at least to get rid of the greater evil.)
I was wrong.
Clinton is in debt. Her never ending campaign drained her coffer and left a few million IOUs in the bottom. CNN reported here that her campaign is in debt just under 24 MILLION dollars.
Clinton needs a cash tour de force from Obama’s supporters to knock down that debt. So you think she would provide 24 million dollars worth of campaigning and ask her constituents to do the same. I see Hillary slowly starting to hit the pavement for Obama so her supporters are following suit?
Not so. Here’s a quote from a Lynn Forrester, a highly regarded Clinton supporter, “(Obama) has provided her with a pittance compared to what the Clintons have given Obama,” prominent Clinton backer Lynn Forrester told the Times of London. “Her debt could have been cleared within 10 days. It’s ungracious.”
Wow. Unbelievable. Ungracious?
I’m one of those folks who believe that Clinton did strengthen Obama’s campaign up to a point. And at the time when Clinton should have dropped out of the campaign, she could have saved that 24 million. But instead she continued to campaign, ad nausem, and now there’s debt and bad feelings from rabid supporters that hold out one hand for a donation while flipping Obama off with the other.
People need to get over themselves.
I would still support an Obama/Hillary ticket. As a matter of fact, I still think that he will choose her as a running mate. Anyone want to make a bet?
I was wrong.
Clinton is in debt. Her never ending campaign drained her coffer and left a few million IOUs in the bottom. CNN reported here that her campaign is in debt just under 24 MILLION dollars.
Clinton needs a cash tour de force from Obama’s supporters to knock down that debt. So you think she would provide 24 million dollars worth of campaigning and ask her constituents to do the same. I see Hillary slowly starting to hit the pavement for Obama so her supporters are following suit?
Not so. Here’s a quote from a Lynn Forrester, a highly regarded Clinton supporter, “(Obama) has provided her with a pittance compared to what the Clintons have given Obama,” prominent Clinton backer Lynn Forrester told the Times of London. “Her debt could have been cleared within 10 days. It’s ungracious.”
Wow. Unbelievable. Ungracious?
I’m one of those folks who believe that Clinton did strengthen Obama’s campaign up to a point. And at the time when Clinton should have dropped out of the campaign, she could have saved that 24 million. But instead she continued to campaign, ad nausem, and now there’s debt and bad feelings from rabid supporters that hold out one hand for a donation while flipping Obama off with the other.
People need to get over themselves.
I would still support an Obama/Hillary ticket. As a matter of fact, I still think that he will choose her as a running mate. Anyone want to make a bet?
Meshell is Talented
My very good friend Meshell is very talented. Please check out her stuff at this site:
http://www.coroflot.com/meshell
Also, please convince Meshell that she should move to New York or LA or Chicago where her skills would be best utilized. Ohio is no place for talent like hers.
http://www.coroflot.com/meshell
Also, please convince Meshell that she should move to New York or LA or Chicago where her skills would be best utilized. Ohio is no place for talent like hers.
BAC Calculator - 12 oz Malt Liquor
I'm not sure where the guys at the University of Oklahoma Police Department buy their malt liquor, but where I come from, it only comes in 22oz, 32oz, 40oz and if you are lucky, dusty 64oz from the back of the cooler at Dell Farm.
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