Bastards. I'll convert to metric before I let the terrorists win.
(Is that one tape measure dressed up like Mr. T?)
Torture by the Inch
My "good friends" kidnapped my tape measure and insisted I pay a ransom to get it back. As I am not one to play by the rules of terrorists, I said no. Then I began to receive photos of my tape measure being tortured by other tape measures.
Bastards. I'll convert to metric before I let the terrorists win.
(Is that one tape measure dressed up like Mr. T?)
Bastards. I'll convert to metric before I let the terrorists win.
(Is that one tape measure dressed up like Mr. T?)
0.025 Gallon Gas Reciept
At the end of last month, I stopped to get Kroger gas after shopping at the local Kroger store. They suckered me in with the Kroger Card and points and the hope of someday getting a $5 gift certificate after spending $1000 at their store.
When I pulled up to the pumps, another person was getting back in their car and circling around to another pump. I assumed it was because they pulled up on the wrong side of their car.
I scanned my Kroger Card, slid my credit card through the reader and waited to be deemed worthy. I was told to select my grade of fuel and begin pumping.
When I pulled the handle, I got an immediate, unsatisfying clunk of nothingness and the handle going slack. I adjusted the handle angle and tried again. I thrust the pump phallus in and out of my car's wanting fuel hole to no avail. At that moment, the other car person was doing the same thing I was and then realized that the pumps were all malfunctioning and that I wouldn't be getting gas at Kroger's that night.
When I reinserted the nozzle back into the pump, I noticed that the digital readout suggested that "some" gas had made it into my tank. 0.025 of a gallon to be specific. That of course is complete BS as the pump didn't even kick on and that tiny amount of gas would have evaporated before it reached the end of the nozzle.
Now, how much does twenty five thousandths of a gallon of gasoline cost at $3.449 per gallon? Nine fucking cents.
What's really great is that because I used my Kroger Card, I saved .00075 cents!
And what's really sad is that $3.449 for gas would be a steal today.
When I pulled up to the pumps, another person was getting back in their car and circling around to another pump. I assumed it was because they pulled up on the wrong side of their car.
I scanned my Kroger Card, slid my credit card through the reader and waited to be deemed worthy. I was told to select my grade of fuel and begin pumping.
When I pulled the handle, I got an immediate, unsatisfying clunk of nothingness and the handle going slack. I adjusted the handle angle and tried again. I thrust the pump phallus in and out of my car's wanting fuel hole to no avail. At that moment, the other car person was doing the same thing I was and then realized that the pumps were all malfunctioning and that I wouldn't be getting gas at Kroger's that night.
When I reinserted the nozzle back into the pump, I noticed that the digital readout suggested that "some" gas had made it into my tank. 0.025 of a gallon to be specific. That of course is complete BS as the pump didn't even kick on and that tiny amount of gas would have evaporated before it reached the end of the nozzle.
Now, how much does twenty five thousandths of a gallon of gasoline cost at $3.449 per gallon? Nine fucking cents.
What's really great is that because I used my Kroger Card, I saved .00075 cents!
And what's really sad is that $3.449 for gas would be a steal today.
Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it
Dear HolyJuan,
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
Indiana Jones Cereal Boxes: Then and Now
Indy THEN box:
Indy NOW box:
Then box from
http://www.theraider.net/news/fullstory_merchandise.php?id=374
Indy NOW box:
Then box from
http://www.theraider.net/news/fullstory_merchandise.php?id=374
"What's another word for thesuarus?" - Steven Wright
Damnit!! Fifteen years later and I still don't get that joke!!
Lia is a Guest DJ on CD 101
My muse and good friend Lia is going to be a Guest DJ on CD101 tomorrow, Monday May 12, from 1:00pm – 2:00pm. I highly suggest you check her out as Lia is known for her excellent taste in alternative music. When we meet for drinks, she’ll always pick a bar with a great jukebox. While I shove in my dollar and pick “Pour Some Sugar On Me” she’ll scour the flippy CD covers, squeezing out the best the jukebox has to offer.
Click HERE to listen live to CD101. It’s a great alternative radio station and locally owned so you don’t have to deal with the Clear Channel bullshit.
Go Lia!!
Click HERE to listen live to CD101. It’s a great alternative radio station and locally owned so you don’t have to deal with the Clear Channel bullshit.
Go Lia!!
I am from Columbus
Don’t do it. You always do. I did too, but as of today, I am quitting.
Columbus is a big boy now. Bigger and better than Cleveland or Cincinnati (no offense.) Our pro teams might suck and we all might be a little over the top for Ohio State, but Columbus has a lot of character and we’ve made a name for ourselves as a growing technology Mecca. We’ve got awesome restaurants, an interesting art community, fantastic museums and CD 101, one of the best radio stations in the country.
So why is it that most of you (including me) feel like you have to say Ohio right after you say Columbus? No one says Los Angeles, California unless they are the governor of said state or New York, New York unless they are singing. Columbus is a city unto itself and needs no additional explanation. If you are from Springfield, you might want to tack on an OH afterward. If you are from Lancaster, you’ll get blank stares until you elaborate with the state. By my count, there are 18 other Columbuses in the United States and none of them even come close to being as profound as Columbus.
From this point on, Columbus is Columbus. If the person you are speaking with asks “which Columbus?” you should curtly reply with one of the following suggested phrases:
- Is there another Columbus?
- You are kidding, right?
- Don’t even say you think I’m talking about Columbus, New Jersey
- Christopher Columbus, jerky
- (stare at them until they walk away or if it is over the phone, let out an extended “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh,” until they hang up)
The only way this will work is if we all stand up and make our voices (or lack of voice) be heard (or not heard when choosing not to say Ohio.) Where are you from? Columbus!
I am from Columbus. And now, so are you.
Columbus is a big boy now. Bigger and better than Cleveland or Cincinnati (no offense.) Our pro teams might suck and we all might be a little over the top for Ohio State, but Columbus has a lot of character and we’ve made a name for ourselves as a growing technology Mecca. We’ve got awesome restaurants, an interesting art community, fantastic museums and CD 101, one of the best radio stations in the country.
So why is it that most of you (including me) feel like you have to say Ohio right after you say Columbus? No one says Los Angeles, California unless they are the governor of said state or New York, New York unless they are singing. Columbus is a city unto itself and needs no additional explanation. If you are from Springfield, you might want to tack on an OH afterward. If you are from Lancaster, you’ll get blank stares until you elaborate with the state. By my count, there are 18 other Columbuses in the United States and none of them even come close to being as profound as Columbus.
From this point on, Columbus is Columbus. If the person you are speaking with asks “which Columbus?” you should curtly reply with one of the following suggested phrases:
- Is there another Columbus?
- You are kidding, right?
- Don’t even say you think I’m talking about Columbus, New Jersey
- Christopher Columbus, jerky
- (stare at them until they walk away or if it is over the phone, let out an extended “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh,” until they hang up)
The only way this will work is if we all stand up and make our voices (or lack of voice) be heard (or not heard when choosing not to say Ohio.) Where are you from? Columbus!
I am from Columbus. And now, so are you.
Doug Dances
The theme for one of the napkin drawing series last night was "Doug Dances." I'll leave it up to you to connect the dots. The top one is mine and the bottom one is Meshell's.
Am I puking a rainbow?
Am I puking a rainbow?
Find the Stuff
See if you can find the stuff in this napkin drawing by Meshell.
The Stuff:
Hamburger
Wine Bottle
Mouse
Ear of Corn
Fish
Banana
Heart
Star
Waldo
Buttered Toast
Bat
The Finger
Boobs
Butterfly
Hotdog
The Stuff:
Hamburger
Wine Bottle
Mouse
Ear of Corn
Fish
Banana
Heart
Star
Waldo
Buttered Toast
Bat
The Finger
Boobs
Butterfly
Hotdog
“Senior General Than Shweie, you're doing a heck of a job!"
In the midst of disaster, it is good to see that the United States’ President is concerned about the welfare of the people in Myanmar. While preparing for his daughter’s wedding and fighting terrorism, George W Bush has taken time out of his busy schedule to comment on the handling of the disaster in ex-Burma:
President Bush stated, “Senior General Than Shweie, you're doing a heck of a job!"
President Bush stated, “Senior General Than Shweie, you're doing a heck of a job!"
The Yodeler
Today, I got an e-mail from my friend Meghan with the subject: "Bad Boy. "Thinking it was porn, I immediately opened it up. It read, "what the heck are you doing! i say, bad Doug, bad!"
This was the attached photo:
A photo of me, peeing on a sheet of cardboard? Once I got over the initial disappointment that it was not porn, I took a closer look and noticed that this was no ordinary sheet of cardboard! This was a cardboard mock up of "The Yodeler" exhibit. It was a interactive health exhibit, based on the Cliff Hangers game from The Price is Right. Instead of dollars, each tick was a gram of fat. Guests would cycle through a day of meals and choose foods that would usually eat.
After each meal, the yodeler would go up the cliff the number of fat grams your selected meal had. If you picked over 72 grams of fat... over the edge fatty!
Here's the final exhibit:
If there were an award for health exhibits based on The Price Is Right games, this would at least get second place.
I'm not sure if it was Meghan's intent, but I spent a while reminiscing about the design, fabrication and installation of this exhibit. Those were very, very good times.
Located within the Health Royale Gallery at the The Clay Center
Concept, Design and Graphics by Roto Studio
Engineering and Beautiful Mountain by LifeFormations
This was the attached photo:
A photo of me, peeing on a sheet of cardboard? Once I got over the initial disappointment that it was not porn, I took a closer look and noticed that this was no ordinary sheet of cardboard! This was a cardboard mock up of "The Yodeler" exhibit. It was a interactive health exhibit, based on the Cliff Hangers game from The Price is Right. Instead of dollars, each tick was a gram of fat. Guests would cycle through a day of meals and choose foods that would usually eat.
After each meal, the yodeler would go up the cliff the number of fat grams your selected meal had. If you picked over 72 grams of fat... over the edge fatty!
Here's the final exhibit:
If there were an award for health exhibits based on The Price Is Right games, this would at least get second place.
I'm not sure if it was Meghan's intent, but I spent a while reminiscing about the design, fabrication and installation of this exhibit. Those were very, very good times.
Located within the Health Royale Gallery at the The Clay Center
Concept, Design and Graphics by Roto Studio
Engineering and Beautiful Mountain by LifeFormations
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Save the Day - Star Wars
I knew I had seen that photo somewhere!
Save the Day photo via - http://badcontrol.com/?p=805.
Star Wars photo used without permission though Wikipedia references Star Wars and so I'm sure it's perfectly legal.
Apples downgraded to "other" status
I buy juice and in the past, I have been tricked. Our family enjoys the taste comforts of cranberry juice and usually we buy it mixed with grape or apple. On occasion, I have been tricked into purchasing "cranberry juice cocktail" which is a portion of cranberry juice and a lot of high fructose corn syrup.
Now I know to look for the 100% juice label:
This week, I purchased the Kroger Brand Cranberry Grape containing 100% juice. Because the Cranberry came first in the name on the label, I assumed that it was the most popular juice in the bottle. Grape would obviously be in second.
When I got home, I noticed the very lengthy description on the label. It seems that there is a BONUS "1 other fruit juice" blended in!
What could this BONUS fruit be? It would have to be something tropical like Guava or maybe something exotic like Mangosteen!! And it would have to be a small portion of juice since the name of unsaid juice isn't on the label. Let's look at the Ingredients!
Apple? Not only is apple the "other fruit" but it is also the second highest portion right after grape. The drink should be called Grape Apple Cranberry Juice.
I felt like complaining to Kroger for their trickery, but then I took another look at the label and realized that the poor apple, the food staple from our youth that came in both box and foil bag, has been down graded to "other" status.
Kroger's whip smart marketing team believes that if you put the word "apple" on the label, people will not buy the juice because they believe it is a second class juice! This is an outrage! The apple has stood by us year after year and its deeds should be recognized, not shunned to "other" status. Apple should be written in BOLD letters on the label! We should highlight it and add bright flashing lights around this word Apple that Kroger fears. Let us hold up apple to the status it deserves!
And this way, when I am trying to buy just Grape Cranberry juice, I will know to avoid the one with the large bold letters and flashing lights.
Now I know to look for the 100% juice label:
This week, I purchased the Kroger Brand Cranberry Grape containing 100% juice. Because the Cranberry came first in the name on the label, I assumed that it was the most popular juice in the bottle. Grape would obviously be in second.
When I got home, I noticed the very lengthy description on the label. It seems that there is a BONUS "1 other fruit juice" blended in!
What could this BONUS fruit be? It would have to be something tropical like Guava or maybe something exotic like Mangosteen!! And it would have to be a small portion of juice since the name of unsaid juice isn't on the label. Let's look at the Ingredients!
Apple? Not only is apple the "other fruit" but it is also the second highest portion right after grape. The drink should be called Grape Apple Cranberry Juice.
I felt like complaining to Kroger for their trickery, but then I took another look at the label and realized that the poor apple, the food staple from our youth that came in both box and foil bag, has been down graded to "other" status.
Kroger's whip smart marketing team believes that if you put the word "apple" on the label, people will not buy the juice because they believe it is a second class juice! This is an outrage! The apple has stood by us year after year and its deeds should be recognized, not shunned to "other" status. Apple should be written in BOLD letters on the label! We should highlight it and add bright flashing lights around this word Apple that Kroger fears. Let us hold up apple to the status it deserves!
And this way, when I am trying to buy just Grape Cranberry juice, I will know to avoid the one with the large bold letters and flashing lights.
Erik Eats: Pucca Chocolate – Succulent aquatic holy crunch which pleasure chew magnify
The snacks seem to be fish and squid shaped with a chocolate blood center. It looks like some of them were killed with a very small caliber bullet. If we find a small piece of metal in the center, we’ll know.
Here's the top of the package. Look! They are "NEW!"
And the bottom with expiration date. Ouch... not so new. They expire in May of 2008. Luckily we are on the Godfearing side of the international date line and we have a few hours to polish them off.
On the back of the package is... what the hell? Is this some kind of puzzle?
It is! Here is the translation of the clue:
Using a decoder ring and the fumes from a few cans of Sterno, we are able to figure out the clues and decode the SUPER SECRET MYSTERY PUZZLE OF WORDS!
By now, Erik is high on Sterno fumes and giddy with hunger.
A pull and a tug and a rip and a tear.
A foil pack inside!
A-ha! The package within a package reveals...
...fish and squid crackers. With a whole lot of holes! Each cracker, be it squid or fish, shall have a hole and the number of holes shall be one. I assume that is how they fill the crackers with chocolaty blood goodness. But let's be sure...
A hammer blow should reveal the innards!
Whack!
Erik is too strong! The fish is smashed beyond recognition. Instead will try a sharp object. (Note: Photo was blurred to protect the viewer from seeing the blood squirting from Erik's fingers on his eighth attempt to cut a round, slippery fish cracker in half.)
Here is the insides of the fish:
I'm starting to think that the hole is used to blow air inside the fish to ensure that as much chocolate as possible is forced out.
Before we could eat any of the fish, Stephanie had an idea.
"Let's put the fish in it's natural habitat and see if it comes to life!"
So we got a container of water,
dropped the fish in,
watched it float,
watched it get soggy,
watched it sink after twenty minutes,
then pulled it out and tossed the gross soggy bit to leave the chocolate center behind.
We realized that was a complete waste of time and begged Erik to eat the fish.
He likes it!!!
Next week, we'll travel to Egypt and see what American foods taste like overseas when they are made in America, shipped overseas, purchased at an airport and then flown home to be digested.
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