Rat Trap Observations

I was at the local grocery store and upon exiting, noticed a large, fake rock sitting in front of the building. It was clearly a trap of some kind and created to look like a rock to fit in the natural surroundings and hide its intent to trap and kill rats and other large vermin.


Obviously, the manager of the store bought the rock thinking that it would look better than the standard, black box of death. Sadly the “rock” placement did not conceal the intent in the middle of a concrete sidewalk.



Greg and I were on our way to the Arnold Classic and I saw the perfect spot for the rock trap right next to a resturant. You’d never know the rat trap was there! But of course, neither would the chef.


What this is all boiling down to is while I was researching the rat trap, I found this walk in freezer, sticky mouse trap product:


I have three observations:

One: You think the first mouse to get stuck would have told the others that they might want to stay the fuck back.

Two: The next mouse that gets caught on this trap is going to have to search pretty hard for a spot. I think there some space in the back to the right, but someone is going to need to scooch over a bit.

Three: I don’t know about you, but those mice look pretty content. It actually looks pretty comfy.

But now that I’ve made three observations, I’ll make a few more low resolution observations.

Low Resolution Oservation #1: How the heck did this mouse get in the middle?


I assume that the material in the trap is sticky. Really sticky. How did this guy get in the center without getting stuck? I assume he had to climb over his buddy who wouldn’t move out of the way in the first place.

Low Resolution Observation #2: Mice don’t walk backwards.
Look at this sonofabitch. He didn’t walk backwards on to the trap, so I assume he crawled over Buddy #1 and Buddy #2 and then got stuck.


And this guy did the same freaking thing!


Final Observation: If you find yourself with a trap with this many mice in it, I think you should be doing a bit more than putting a sticky piece of plastic in your walk in freezer.

And as a bonus, a photo of me letting a rat eat out of my mouth.

Hard Working Sperm

How much did it snow last night?

Me and Bula

At least I'm not in the costume.

Fungus of crunchy tongue with delicious turning of flavor

After last week’s maggot cookie debacle, we were able to track down a product that combined fungal mystery with chocolate dippery. This week’s Erik Eats product is…


???
Dang. It’s got no name that we can decipher. Plan B is to flip the box over and check out the English Product Information sticker that covers over the actual ingredients with shit the FDA would approve:


Wheat Cracker? Oh well… not as fun as Every Burger, but it will have to do. Erik contemplated the packaging and remembers that last week I screwed him over an made him eat turd cookies.


He forges ahead...


Erik opens the box to reveal a single package.


Oh! The lid has a diagram with some writing.

Let’s contact our close friend and translator, Arata Isozaki.Here is what it says:


Nice!

Erik tears into the package with savageness and love.


Wow! The cookie looks just like the illustrations on the outside of the package said it would!


Let’s find out how truthful the packaging really is. Here’s the box with a mushroom cookie.


Now Erik deftly cuts into one of the cookies.


A closer look!


Wow! An exact match! Unbelievable! I almost feel bad about making up the bra removal stuff!

Let’s get on to the tasting.


Yes?


Go on!


It delicious! Sweet. A little salty. A very crunchy!

Great job Erik! Next week: Fecal Butter Chunks

The Real Question is: After Eight Years, Is George Bush Experienced Enough to Be President?

There has been some banter back and forth about Obama’s experience being less than Hillary’s because she had eight years of on the job training, behind the scenes, not baking cookies in the White House. Of course then people ask if Laura Bush is qualified for the Presidency because she has eight years experience, chain smoking at the White House.

The real question should be: Is George Bush experienced enough to be President? He’s got eight years, 9/11, and two wars under his belt. Knowing what we know now, with Bush’s eight years of experience, would anyone, besides the Jesus Crispies, have voted for him in 2000? If they could again in 2008?

Now… how much does “White House experience” matter?

Turning off the Alarm Clock

20 Year Reunion

Holy Shit. I am old.

It's time for our 20 year high school reunion. I'm in charge of getting the cool name tags with the yearbook photos on them. Since I was scanning the year book, I grabbed this photo.


If you are interested, I cut out my hair, part down the middle and all. Print it out and use it on your photos at home!


Kinda like this:


If you were in my class and need reunion information, drop me and my hair an e-mail at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Idiot

Here's the original photo from http://weblog.sinteur.com/?p=22366

Morning Math

Young Jesus Plays with his Food

Ricin Guy Hotel Room

Accidental Racist

I work for a company with a high regard for Team. We call ourselves “Team Members” and everyone refers to everyone else as “Team Members.”

A few weeks ago, a number of folks at work joined in a “The Biggest Loser” competition. We were split up on teams that were named by color. Red, blue, black and so on. I’m on the Black Team. As part of the Black Team, my job is to create viral interference and lay down a steady stream of practical jokes and humorous e-mails, like this sign where I suggest all the teams, except the Black Team, eat free fudge.


A few days ago at work, I noticed an empty box sitting on a cabinet in the main hallway in the same place where the free fudge had been. I’m sure just moments before the empty box was filled with sweet goodies, but the team had swooped in and finished off what ever deliciousness the box held. Now it was just an empty box. So I went to my desk and fashioned a sign for the Black Team with an arrow pointing down. The sign said:

CALORIE FREE DREAM NOTHINGNESS CAKES FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS ONLY

I posted it above the empty box and thought that it was a good joke for the Black Team.

I didn’t realize that the sign said “FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS” or how 99% of our employees would read it as “FOR BLACKS ONLY.”

Fortunately, a VP took the sign down about five minutes after I put it up. She knew it was probably my doing and mentioned it to me a few days later.

I. Am. Dumb.

Greg and Dad: The relationship would never work

The Charges Against Clemens

Banh Men, Coconut Cookies: Of Taste in which Enhanced Odor is Likened

After getting fingered for taking photos at the Chinese Buffet, we went over to the Chinese Grocery to see if anything new was in stock. I didn’t find anything, but our hero Erik located and purchased these Banh Men, Coconut Cookies.


I wasn’t very excited about the prospect of “Erik Eats” with this product. Half of the surprise is seeing what is inside the container. This container is clear plastic and the somewhat maggot shaped cookies were visibly apparent.

A closer look reveals that the cookies look a lot like maggots!


Here's a close up of a cookie in my hand.


And a photo of a maggot from the internet thanks to the fine folks at dragonflypower.com.


And now a closer look at that cookie in my hand again.


The photo on the front of the container shows that the cookies should be served with pickled fish eggs and goat's milk cottage cheese.


We didn't have any of those other accoutrements, so we moved on to the taste testing. Erik opened the container and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT STINK!

The stank that belched from the jar is an ungodly combination of bitter vomit and rotting, wet pancake shoes. There is not one ounce of coconut smell. Here are a few photos of folks smelling the Coconut Cookie open container:

Erik


HolyJuan


Stephanie avoids


Andy is tricked!


Once Erik finally got up the nerve, he ate one of the devil's cookies.




The taste is the exact same as the smell except that the smell wafts away in a few seconds and the thick, smegma paste lingers in one's mouth for minutes. It is horrible and disgusting.

And for fun, Erik stuck a few in my coffee cup and for the life of me I cannot scrub the nastiness of the horrid stink out of my cup.


I'll get him next week when we taste test: Bo Chi Dushu, Fetal Pig Uterus.

You take picture?

During lunch at our local Asian Buffet, we noticed a curious dish labeled “Marinated Steak.” Foods with the word steak in them have to be good. As a matter of fact, this dish is SO good that the management took the time to write, “For Customer Only” on the label. This dish is SO delicious that the employees are banned from eating it!

I thought I would take a photo of the sign to share with you. I borrowed Heather’s cell camera because mine sucks Sweet and Sour Chicken Balls. I walked up to take the photo and the only folks at the buffet were three people that work there. Two were loading up plates (but not with Marinated Steak!) and one was cleaning. I did not want to take the photo with anyone watching so I pretended like I was going back for fifths without a plate and a phone in my hand. The old man filling his plate seemed to be looking at me so I stuffed the phone in my pocket and checked out the desert trough. When I thought he was gone, I pulled out the unfamiliar camera, fumbled with it for a second and took this outrageously horrible shot.


I went back to the table, sat down and gave Heather back her camera.

“Excuse me sir?”

It was the Hostess. “Excuse me sir, my boss says you take picture.”

Fumbling words, “Um, yeah I did.”

“He wants to know why you take picture.”

“For my website.”

“What?”

“For my WEBSITE.” (When someone doesn’t understand you, speak louder.)

“What??”

I translated, “For my REB-SRITE.”

“Oh, you have brog?”

{AUTHOR’S NOTE – I just made that few lines up. Let me continue back where I started lying.}

It was the Hostess. “Excuse me sir, my boss says you take picture.”

Fumbling words, “Um, yeah I did.”

“He wants to know why you take picture.”

“I think that sign that says “For Customer Only” is funny. I can erase the photo if you want.”

“No. It’s OK. He just want to know why you take picture.”

She left. We paid. We left.

My co-workers said they would kill me if we all got banned. No Marinated Steak for you!