HolyJuan

Fungus of crunchy tongue with delicious turning of flavor

After last week’s maggot cookie debacle, we were able to track down a product that combined fungal mystery with chocolate dippery. This week’s Erik Eats product is…

???
Dang. It’s got no name that we can decipher. Plan B is to flip the box over and check out the English Product Information sticker that covers over the actual ingredients with shit the FDA would approve:

Wheat Cracker? Oh well… not as fun as Every Burger, but it will have to do. Erik contemplated the packaging and remembers that last week I screwed him over an made him eat turd cookies.

He forges ahead...

Erik opens the box to reveal a single package.

Oh! The lid has a diagram with some writing.

Let’s contact our close friend and translator, Arata Isozaki.Here is what it says:

Nice!

Erik tears into the package with savageness and love.

Wow! The cookie looks just like the illustrations on the outside of the package said it would!

Let’s find out how truthful the packaging really is. Here’s the box with a mushroom cookie.

Now Erik deftly cuts into one of the cookies.

A closer look!

Wow! An exact match! Unbelievable! I almost feel bad about making up the bra removal stuff!

Let’s get on to the tasting.

Yes?

Go on!

It delicious! Sweet. A little salty. A very crunchy!

Great job Erik! Next week: Fecal Butter Chunks

The Real Question is: After Eight Years, Is George Bush Experienced Enough to Be President?

There has been some banter back and forth about Obama’s experience being less than Hillary’s because she had eight years of on the job training, behind the scenes, not baking cookies in the White House. Of course then people ask if Laura Bush is qualified for the Presidency because she has eight years experience, chain smoking at the White House.

The real question should be: Is George Bush experienced enough to be President? He’s got eight years, 9/11, and two wars under his belt. Knowing what we know now, with Bush’s eight years of experience, would anyone, besides the Jesus Crispies, have voted for him in 2000? If they could again in 2008?

Now… how much does “White House experience” matter?

Turning off the Alarm Clock

20 Year Reunion

Holy Shit. I am old.

It's time for our 20 year high school reunion. I'm in charge of getting the cool name tags with the yearbook photos on them. Since I was scanning the year book, I grabbed this photo.

If you are interested, I cut out my hair, part down the middle and all. Print it out and use it on your photos at home!

Kinda like this:

If you were in my class and need reunion information, drop me and my hair an e-mail at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Idiot

Here's the original photo from http://weblog.sinteur.com/?p=22366

Morning Math

Young Jesus Plays with his Food

Ricin Guy Hotel Room

Accidental Racist

I work for a company with a high regard for Team. We call ourselves “Team Members” and everyone refers to everyone else as “Team Members.”

A few weeks ago, a number of folks at work joined in a “The Biggest Loser” competition. We were split up on teams that were named by color. Red, blue, black and so on. I’m on the Black Team. As part of the Black Team, my job is to create viral interference and lay down a steady stream of practical jokes and humorous e-mails, like this sign where I suggest all the teams, except the Black Team, eat free fudge.

A few days ago at work, I noticed an empty box sitting on a cabinet in the main hallway in the same place where the free fudge had been. I’m sure just moments before the empty box was filled with sweet goodies, but the team had swooped in and finished off what ever deliciousness the box held. Now it was just an empty box. So I went to my desk and fashioned a sign for the Black Team with an arrow pointing down. The sign said:

CALORIE FREE DREAM NOTHINGNESS CAKES FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS ONLY

I posted it above the empty box and thought that it was a good joke for the Black Team.

I didn’t realize that the sign said “FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS” or how 99% of our employees would read it as “FOR BLACKS ONLY.”

Fortunately, a VP took the sign down about five minutes after I put it up. She knew it was probably my doing and mentioned it to me a few days later.

I. Am. Dumb.

Greg and Dad: The relationship would never work

The Charges Against Clemens

Banh Men, Coconut Cookies: Of Taste in which Enhanced Odor is Likened

After getting fingered for taking photos at the Chinese Buffet, we went over to the Chinese Grocery to see if anything new was in stock. I didn’t find anything, but our hero Erik located and purchased these Banh Men, Coconut Cookies.

I wasn’t very excited about the prospect of “Erik Eats” with this product. Half of the surprise is seeing what is inside the container. This container is clear plastic and the somewhat maggot shaped cookies were visibly apparent.

A closer look reveals that the cookies look a lot like maggots!

Here's a close up of a cookie in my hand.

And a photo of a maggot from the internet thanks to the fine folks at dragonflypower.com.

And now a closer look at that cookie in my hand again.

The photo on the front of the container shows that the cookies should be served with pickled fish eggs and goat's milk cottage cheese.

We didn't have any of those other accoutrements, so we moved on to the taste testing. Erik opened the container and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT STINK!

The stank that belched from the jar is an ungodly combination of bitter vomit and rotting, wet pancake shoes. There is not one ounce of coconut smell. Here are a few photos of folks smelling the Coconut Cookie open container:

Erik

HolyJuan

Stephanie avoids

Andy is tricked!

Once Erik finally got up the nerve, he ate one of the devil's cookies.

The taste is the exact same as the smell except that the smell wafts away in a few seconds and the thick, smegma paste lingers in one's mouth for minutes. It is horrible and disgusting.

And for fun, Erik stuck a few in my coffee cup and for the life of me I cannot scrub the nastiness of the horrid stink out of my cup.

I'll get him next week when we taste test: Bo Chi Dushu, Fetal Pig Uterus.

You take picture?

During lunch at our local Asian Buffet, we noticed a curious dish labeled “Marinated Steak.” Foods with the word steak in them have to be good. As a matter of fact, this dish is SO good that the management took the time to write, “For Customer Only” on the label. This dish is SO delicious that the employees are banned from eating it!

I thought I would take a photo of the sign to share with you. I borrowed Heather’s cell camera because mine sucks Sweet and Sour Chicken Balls. I walked up to take the photo and the only folks at the buffet were three people that work there. Two were loading up plates (but not with Marinated Steak!) and one was cleaning. I did not want to take the photo with anyone watching so I pretended like I was going back for fifths without a plate and a phone in my hand. The old man filling his plate seemed to be looking at me so I stuffed the phone in my pocket and checked out the desert trough. When I thought he was gone, I pulled out the unfamiliar camera, fumbled with it for a second and took this outrageously horrible shot.

I went back to the table, sat down and gave Heather back her camera.

“Excuse me sir?”

It was the Hostess. “Excuse me sir, my boss says you take picture.”

Fumbling words, “Um, yeah I did.”

“He wants to know why you take picture.”

“For my website.”

“What?”

“For my WEBSITE.” (When someone doesn’t understand you, speak louder.)

“What??”

I translated, “For my REB-SRITE.”

“Oh, you have brog?”

{AUTHOR’S NOTE – I just made that few lines up. Let me continue back where I started lying.}

It was the Hostess. “Excuse me sir, my boss says you take picture.”

Fumbling words, “Um, yeah I did.”

“He wants to know why you take picture.”

“I think that sign that says “For Customer Only” is funny. I can erase the photo if you want.”

“No. It’s OK. He just want to know why you take picture.”

She left. We paid. We left.

My co-workers said they would kill me if we all got banned. No Marinated Steak for you!

Freckled Jen to the rescue for the Erik Eats segments

We've done two "Erik Eats" segments where our hero Erik eats foods from Japan. Every Burger and Gummy Choco.

We had pretty much utilized all the fun stuff at the Chinese grocery store and were going to move on to eels when Freckled Jen sent me this photo from the North Market.

Looks like Erik's got a full menu to taste!!

As a bonus, here is a photo of Jen's sister Michelle at CD101 as their Guest DJ.

10 Movies that Make a Manly Man Cry

Though my manliness boils from my pores like a dropped bottle of Old Rasputin, I have my moments of weakness where I cry like a little girl. It used to only be during AT&T long distance commercials, but now I have a list of movies that cause me to weep.

Rudy
No real man doesn’t tear up when the team places their jerseys on coach’s desk or openly weep at the end when they carry Rudy off the field.

Big Fish
The first time I watched Big Fish, I cried at the ending. Now when I watch the film, I cry at the beginning, knowing how it will end. Afterwards, I drink tea and cuddle up in an afghan with a good book, waiting for my menses to begin.

Field of Dreams
“Hey! Dad? You want to have a catch?” I’m tearing up just writing that line. (I'm still waiting for James Earl Jones to come out of the cornfield.)

Terms of Endearment
I haven’t seen this flick in years, but I recently caught the end and had to turn it off when the mom lays down The Truth on the kids. I love the part when Mom’s Mom flips out at the nurses for the daughter’s pain medication. "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"

Gallipoli
Mel Gibson runs and runs to try and save his childhood friend. In the end it is all for naught. “How fast are you going to run?” Not fast enough. Now that I know I’m going to cry at the end, I get choked up at the rendition of "Au Fond du Temple Saint" in the middle.

My Girl
Macaulay Culkin gets killed by bees. Little Vada wants to put his glasses on. He was going to be an acrobat.

Mask
Rocky dead in bed is heartbreaking. SPOILER WARNING! That first sentence is kinda a spoiler. Don’t read it if you have not seen the film.

Ordinary People
I love Mary Tyler Moore in this film. She is drowned in her own selfish grief. Older bro is just drowned.

Good Will Hunting
Obviously films with psychologists and troubled sons get me all verklempt.

Highlander II: The Quickening
I cried only because this movie was completely and utterly horrible. I will never think about this movie again unless I am being anally raped in prison and need to imagine that somewhere in the world, someone is watching that appalling movie and doing worse than me.

BONUS MAN CRY FILMS
Saving Private Ryan
A Perfect World
Braveheart

Greg and Dad - Stormtrooper Practical Joke

For some reason, it's good to see that Handicapped people can be pricks, too.

nice..., originally uploaded by msmail.

This photo comes from my buddy Mike in Louisiana. The truck had handicapped plates, but they still parked like complete assholes.

I like it...

Big changes in Cuban voting system

Hilliary's take on plagiarism

Gummy Choco of taste which smile contains withdrawn

We went to the Chinese Buffet today and ate and ate and ate. Afterwards, we went next door to the Asian Market to buy another product to test on our hero, Erik.

This week's find: Gummy Choco!

Somehow, Muscat worked it's way into the title. Muscat is either a type of grape or a rare form of deer droppings.

Upon opening the canister, we see what seems to be large rabbit droppings or small deer droppings.

Here are some deer droppings for comparison purposes:

Erik seems very interested at this point and uses a combination of yoga and yodeling to restrain his gag reflex.

Erik then fills his gaping maw with the seemingly chocolate lumps.

Let's take a moment to examine the interior of the Gummy Chocos.

Well well well. A sneaky, triple layered combination of tasty chocolate and mystery creme... The internet provided a detailed description of the interior components.

Sadly, only one ingredient showed any possibility of poisoning our hero:

Erik managed to choke down 32 - 33 of the yummy chunks of deer like feces before reverse swallowing them into a garbage container unit.

Great job Erik!

Next Week: Spicy, Sweet Ovary Lollipop

Dave does drugs in front of impressionable young children

Unbelievable! Dave is an upstanding member of the community and then this...

...of course, I am talking about the hairstyle.

Liz and Hugh's Baby

Congrats to Hugh and Liz and the birth of their son, Sam.!!

For some reason I was drawn to this photo of the baby.

$7000 is cheap!

I just read the following on CNN concerning the assassination of Benazir Bhutto:

“Pakistani Taliban commander Baitullah Mehsud paid out more than $7,000, including money to purchase suicide jackets, for the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the chief Pakistani investigator said Sunday.”

All it took was $7K to kill her? By the most conservative figures we are spending about $150 million a day in Iraq. Using those figures, if we hired these guys to do the job, we could assassinate, I mean, rectify 21,428.5 terrorists a day!! Why hasn’t anyone at the Pentagon thought about this a little more? Instead of fighting the Taliban and Al Qaeda, we should hire them. They seem to be able to finish the job. They are equal opportunity as they have men and women do their work. I saw recently they also have started an on-the-job-training program for the mentally handicapped.

Now here’s the genius in all this… by having the Taliban and Al Qaeda do this with suicide bombing, we are taking out two for the price of one. And on top of all that, with all the bad public relations that they get from blowing up shit, their membership will decrease!

As a bonus, we’ll sell our overseas connections the bomb making supplies and vests for re-sale to the “Freedom Bombers.” This will drop our operating costs by 10 – 15%.

By my math, we could end this whole war on terrorism thing in about sixteen days with a little more than 2 billion dollars. Once we run out of terrorists, I’m sure we’ll breathe a sigh of relief and start poking around for other people to start spreading a thick coating of Democracy on.