HolyJuan

Freckled Jen to the rescue for the Erik Eats segments

We've done two "Erik Eats" segments where our hero Erik eats foods from Japan. Every Burger and Gummy Choco.

We had pretty much utilized all the fun stuff at the Chinese grocery store and were going to move on to eels when Freckled Jen sent me this photo from the North Market.

Looks like Erik's got a full menu to taste!!

As a bonus, here is a photo of Jen's sister Michelle at CD101 as their Guest DJ.

10 Movies that Make a Manly Man Cry

Though my manliness boils from my pores like a dropped bottle of Old Rasputin, I have my moments of weakness where I cry like a little girl. It used to only be during AT&T long distance commercials, but now I have a list of movies that cause me to weep.

Rudy
No real man doesn’t tear up when the team places their jerseys on coach’s desk or openly weep at the end when they carry Rudy off the field.

Big Fish
The first time I watched Big Fish, I cried at the ending. Now when I watch the film, I cry at the beginning, knowing how it will end. Afterwards, I drink tea and cuddle up in an afghan with a good book, waiting for my menses to begin.

Field of Dreams
“Hey! Dad? You want to have a catch?” I’m tearing up just writing that line. (I'm still waiting for James Earl Jones to come out of the cornfield.)

Terms of Endearment
I haven’t seen this flick in years, but I recently caught the end and had to turn it off when the mom lays down The Truth on the kids. I love the part when Mom’s Mom flips out at the nurses for the daughter’s pain medication. "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!"

Gallipoli
Mel Gibson runs and runs to try and save his childhood friend. In the end it is all for naught. “How fast are you going to run?” Not fast enough. Now that I know I’m going to cry at the end, I get choked up at the rendition of "Au Fond du Temple Saint" in the middle.

My Girl
Macaulay Culkin gets killed by bees. Little Vada wants to put his glasses on. He was going to be an acrobat.

Mask
Rocky dead in bed is heartbreaking. SPOILER WARNING! That first sentence is kinda a spoiler. Don’t read it if you have not seen the film.

Ordinary People
I love Mary Tyler Moore in this film. She is drowned in her own selfish grief. Older bro is just drowned.

Good Will Hunting
Obviously films with psychologists and troubled sons get me all verklempt.

Highlander II: The Quickening
I cried only because this movie was completely and utterly horrible. I will never think about this movie again unless I am being anally raped in prison and need to imagine that somewhere in the world, someone is watching that appalling movie and doing worse than me.

BONUS MAN CRY FILMS
Saving Private Ryan
A Perfect World
Braveheart

Greg and Dad - Stormtrooper Practical Joke

For some reason, it's good to see that Handicapped people can be pricks, too.

nice..., originally uploaded by msmail.

This photo comes from my buddy Mike in Louisiana. The truck had handicapped plates, but they still parked like complete assholes.

I like it...

Big changes in Cuban voting system

Hilliary's take on plagiarism

Gummy Choco of taste which smile contains withdrawn

We went to the Chinese Buffet today and ate and ate and ate. Afterwards, we went next door to the Asian Market to buy another product to test on our hero, Erik.

This week's find: Gummy Choco!

Somehow, Muscat worked it's way into the title. Muscat is either a type of grape or a rare form of deer droppings.

Upon opening the canister, we see what seems to be large rabbit droppings or small deer droppings.

Here are some deer droppings for comparison purposes:

Erik seems very interested at this point and uses a combination of yoga and yodeling to restrain his gag reflex.

Erik then fills his gaping maw with the seemingly chocolate lumps.

Let's take a moment to examine the interior of the Gummy Chocos.

Well well well. A sneaky, triple layered combination of tasty chocolate and mystery creme... The internet provided a detailed description of the interior components.

Sadly, only one ingredient showed any possibility of poisoning our hero:

Erik managed to choke down 32 - 33 of the yummy chunks of deer like feces before reverse swallowing them into a garbage container unit.

Great job Erik!

Next Week: Spicy, Sweet Ovary Lollipop

Dave does drugs in front of impressionable young children

Unbelievable! Dave is an upstanding member of the community and then this...

...of course, I am talking about the hairstyle.

Liz and Hugh's Baby

Congrats to Hugh and Liz and the birth of their son, Sam.!!

For some reason I was drawn to this photo of the baby.

$7000 is cheap!

I just read the following on CNN concerning the assassination of Benazir Bhutto:

“Pakistani Taliban commander Baitullah Mehsud paid out more than $7,000, including money to purchase suicide jackets, for the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, the chief Pakistani investigator said Sunday.”

All it took was $7K to kill her? By the most conservative figures we are spending about $150 million a day in Iraq. Using those figures, if we hired these guys to do the job, we could assassinate, I mean, rectify 21,428.5 terrorists a day!! Why hasn’t anyone at the Pentagon thought about this a little more? Instead of fighting the Taliban and Al Qaeda, we should hire them. They seem to be able to finish the job. They are equal opportunity as they have men and women do their work. I saw recently they also have started an on-the-job-training program for the mentally handicapped.

Now here’s the genius in all this… by having the Taliban and Al Qaeda do this with suicide bombing, we are taking out two for the price of one. And on top of all that, with all the bad public relations that they get from blowing up shit, their membership will decrease!

As a bonus, we’ll sell our overseas connections the bomb making supplies and vests for re-sale to the “Freedom Bombers.” This will drop our operating costs by 10 – 15%.

By my math, we could end this whole war on terrorism thing in about sixteen days with a little more than 2 billion dollars. Once we run out of terrorists, I’m sure we’ll breathe a sigh of relief and start poking around for other people to start spreading a thick coating of Democracy on.

Jesus Candy

My wife works at a pre-school. They have events for the kids and sometimes purchase novelty items and decorations concurrent with the theme. There are several vendors that supply these cheap trinkets, baubles and colorful decorations.

One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.

Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.

The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.

Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:

“THE LORD REPLIED:
My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."

That cleared up everything…

Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.

“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:

WHAT THE HELL!

RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”

BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.

Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?

Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?

What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?

These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.

In case you want to place an order:

Jesus Footprints

Jellybeans of the Apocalypse

Greg and Dad: Rancor and son

Meat Mountain Makes Miss Sally Sick

(Click to enlarge)

Miss Sally saw this ad in a parenting magazine. She said it grossed her out.

Now that I keep looking at it, it's starting to gross me out, too.

"This time, we didn't forget the gravy."

Mister! Mister!!

For three years I traveled with science museum exhibit, performing demonstrations and assisting guests with the sports related interactive exhibits. A school group excitedly poured into the exhibit one morning and I was swamped with kids wanting to spin like a skater on the angular momentum machine. This requires a bit of attention to the child spinning and I was only able to help one person at a time.

One boy was very excited and from behind me yelled, “Mister! Mister! Look at this!”

I turned my head and replied, “Just a second while I finish with this guest!”

He continued, “Mister! Mister! Come here and look at this!”

I ever so tactfully replied over my shoulder, “Just a second please.”

He ramped up a decibel or two, “Misterrrrrrrrr! Look! Look!”

I stopped the spinning guest and turned to confront the rambunctious child when a teacher walked up to the boy and said, “What do you want to show me?” Her nametag read, “Miss Derr.”

Ly would shit a brick

Back in 1998, I lugged about a ton of river rock, two hundred pounds at a time, up to the Life exhibit. They were a scenic component that I laid out one stone at a time in the very serene, oval, solid wood floor entrance to the Life exhibit. I remember arguing with Ly that we should epoxy the rocks in place. She didn't think it was necessary. I was more concerned about people kicking or throwing them.

Over time, kicking has been an issue. Throwing has not.

Neither one of us ever saw this coming:

I'm glad we didn't glue the rocks down.

Black Team

We are having a weight loss competition at work. I put out this sign over a tray of fudge that someone had left outside the boardroom.

I'm on the Black Team.

16 Fun Facts You Never Learned in School

Did you know? Pencil lead contains no lead, but lead contains about 12% graphite.

Did you know? 98% of the earth's sand all came from the same mass of sandstone?

Did you know? The moment between when the second hand on a clock ticks from one second to the next is called a trite.

Did you know? The tradition of throwing rice at a wedding was originally an Amish wedding tradition.

Did you know? “x” is the least used letter on the keyboard while “s” is the most. (w is now in second with the advent of the www.)

Did you know? Most lotions contain mayonnaise.

Did you know? Almonds soaked in tuna and then ingested will diminish a man’s sperm count fifteen fold. Those same almonds ingested by a woman will have no effect besides bad breath.

Did you know? 50% of American students are below average while 50% of all Japanese students are above average.

Did you know? The Great Wall of China is hollow and that locals in remote areas use the empty cavities to house sheep and goats.

Did you know? The average house stairway contain 11 steps.

Did you know? Dental floss was originally made of horse hair soaked in bitters.

Did you know? The inventor of Doritos named them after his wife Dorinda, whom he met when she was his parole officer.

Did you know? It takes the largest wheel on a big wheel the same time to spin a full circle as the small wheel.

Did you know? French law requires that the base of a wine glass be the exact same size as the top opening of the glass.

Did you know? 85% of bald people die of a depression related illness.

Did you know? It takes almost 4 hours for blood from your feet to reach your heart. This is why hypothermia strike the toes first.

Actual CNN headline: Roger Clemens Questioned by Lawmakers On Steroids

If you need proof, here are photos of a couple of roid raging lawmakers:

A bulked up Henry Waxman (D-Calif) in an anabolic fit of drug induced anger.

Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) in a complete and utter roid rage.

Vote for #4 please!

My friend Stephanie has entered a design contest. Can you vote for her?

Go to http://www.wwhotv.com/Global/category.asp?C=125471&nav=menu581_4 and use the ballot at the bottom of the page to vote for #4 please.

Thanks!

HolyJuan

No Dive Flags Allowed

No Bombs

You just can't have bombs anywhere these days. The terrorists have won.

Photo Credit: Bill Christman

Has God told Huckabee that McCain won’t make it to the Republican National Convention?

Huckabee knows something that mathematicians and most everyone else does not. In a surprising announcement this morning on MSNBC, Mike Huckabee stated that even though it is mathematically improbable for him to win the Republican nomination, he is going to continue on campaigning because “something could happen to John McCain” between now and the Republican National Convention. What is that something? McCain could drop the F bomb or call Obama a pineapple chucker. But what we all know he means is that McCain could have a stroke or drop dead any minute.

And how would Huckabee get this information? God told him.

In Huckabee’s twice daily (and three times on the Sabbath) conversations with God, he probably asks God if he should continue his campaigning. What do you think God is saying to Huck? A smart God would tell Huckabee to drop out so that he doesn’t make McCain look un-Conservative. He’d probably mention that miracles are for wine, loaves and fishes and not for elections. But that’s not what Huckabee is hearing. Huckabee hears, “Go the distance,” and inevitably, “If you build it, McCain will have a stroke.”

Now, my belief is that McCain has a better chance of saying “fuck” than dropping dead. He’s a tough s.o.b. no matter what Chuck Norris says. But… if you know God is on your side, anything is possible.

So if in some offhand chance, McCain does bite it before the Republican National Convention and Huckabee wins the nomination… what next? I assume that if God will take the time to off McCain, he would also want Huck to win the general election as well. Now that would take a miracle… unless Obama has a stroke too. Then Hillary would come down with prostate cancer and so on and so on until there’s no one left to run against him.

And if all that happens, you can bet for sure that I’m going to repent, vote for Huckabee and convert to whatever religion he tells me to in the 28th Amendment. Hallelujah Huckabee!!

In Paris... aim for the sign

We saw this warning sign in Paris along the river.

In the United States, we would build a four foot high barrier with a metal fence on top of it all along the length of the river. In Paris, they put up a sign and hope you have common sense. If you do find yourself heading for the dropoff... aim for the sign.

Greg and Dad: Ass Toupee

Republican Party to America: “We quit.”

As a Republican, I find myself wondering what the hell is going on. It is true my Republican affiliation has been increasingly fading and the closest fragment of the party I can hang my hat on is with the Log Cabin Republicans. (It’s tough to be an atheist, pro-choice Republican.)

I see you other Republicans. Hands clasped behind your backs. Innocently whistling skyward. Walking slowly backwards away from George Bush and the inevitable nominee, John McCain. You are giving up. Senators. Talking heads. The pundits, or as they will be called in the coming weeks, “punt-its,” have already dropped back 14 and a half yards and are praying for a Hillary nomination. Dust off the 1996 Playbook boys and change the date on the cover!

Oh sure, when it’s our troops fighting overseas we shake our fists and rant, “No Retreat!” But when we can’t find a Republican candidate that isn’t a Faux-Moderate or a Fundamentalist Kook, we start waving the white flag and digging four year trenches. It’s much easier to bring out Limbaugh’s re-runs, hope the Democrats screw up and hand us the elections in 2010 and 2012.

There are several reasons Republicans want to give up now. First off, we can see how our current silly candidates are caught in a winless battle with themselves. Everyone is playing nice because they realize that McCain is so fragile and it is way too easy to beat up on for his political past and present. Huckabee’s a douche. Even Ron Paul, who doesn’t have sheep’s chance in West Virginia, is a better Republican pick than McCain. I can’t wait for the Democrats’ commercials which will be filled with McCain’s own fatalistic quotes about jobs never coming back, War and a Middle East military presence lasting for 100 - 1000 years. You’ve heard the radio personalities say they’d rather vote for Hillary than McCain… how insane is that?

Second, Bush has utterly and completely left a mentally and fiscally, tattered and torn America behind and the person who attempts to change it is not going to make a lot of friends. So why should we take it on the chin when we’ve got the Dems to do it for us? Until we learn to confront Bush on his some of his ignorant policies and overspending, we are never going to get out from under his greasy, dead-eye determination shadow.

And finally, with the lackluster candidate and without a banner to stand behind, Republican turnout in November will be meager at best. Why even try? At most we are hoping for a Hillary nomination to bring out the Clinton-Hate vote. If Obama gets the nod, just stay in your trench and head for the safety of the internet.

Once the Dems finally pick a candidate (and quit hoping that they will start in-fighting,) McCain will fall apart. I’ll watch from the sidelines as McCain recants, re-remembers and sticks his lip out. All he has to stand behind now is War and Life and that just doesn’t cut it anymore.

If it comes down to Hillary vs McCain… I guess I, too, will be staying at home in my trench because I am a weak spine, denied entry to the Log Cabin Republicans, pro-choice, disenfranchised and disillusioned Republican. And if the opportunity arises, once I flip the switch to vote for Obama, I won’t even be that anymore.

Elevator vs Stairs

The Perfect Valentine Date... at White Castle

Thanks for the tip, Meshelle!

Pat Robertson calls for Primary votes of tornado dead not be counted

(SOURCE)

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA - Arkansas and Tennessee were ravaged by tornadoes on Tuesday with the current fatality count at over 26 and rising. During his nightly broadcast, Pat Robertson called for his followers to pray for the injured and the families of the deceased.

Later in the broadcast, during a Primary Day discussion, Robertson claimed that the voters in Tennessee and Arkansas who were killed probably voted for someone other than a Christian Conservative. “This was not a random act of God, but rather a message to those who do not follow His teachings. Those primary votes should not count.”

“I know this is painful for the families to hear, but if you voted for anyone other than a Christian, you have accepted God’s wrath, and that's the way it is, period.”

Later in the broadcast, Robertson clarified his position stating that while the votes of the deceased should count now, “…it will be very hard for them to vote in the election in November.”

How to write a “Let’s Get a Drink Letter”

Getting your lame ass friends out to get a drink can be a real problem. As I am an expert in this, let me help you to convince your friends to go out and grab a beer with you and possibly end up at the nudie bar.

Dear (insert friends’ names individually or use a small penis referenced general greeting to all),

I Introduction: Say hello to friends with a short passage about how things are going and how much work is a pain. Continue with discussing the weather and how Spring is in the air. Transition to paragraph two with a suggestion of how getting together would be a fine idea.

II The pitch: Sell the "drinking with friends tonight" idea. Ask when was the last time you saw each other and describe about the time when XXX got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Cuba with a 14 year old prostitute. Question their loyalty to work and suggest that puking at the 10:00am daily meeting is perfectly normal. Finish the paragraph with telling everyone that you plan to meet at (no later than 3:00pm) on (any day of week as long as there is one hour notice) at (insert local bar with Tavern or House in the name.) Suggest they bring a hot, unmarried friend who has a drinking problem and can't remember the name Doug or how bad he is in the sack.

III Sell! Sell! Sell! : Guilt them into submission by telling them that (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) will be joining the festivities. If they don't know who (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) is, fuck them. Make those cock sucking, sons of bitches regret that they ever crossed your path if they don't show up and I don't give a fucking shit if American Idol is on boo hoo fucking hoo.

IV Relax: Remind them again of the time and the place. Tell them that Doug will actually be there on time. Lie to them again by saying that Doug will buy the first round.

V Summation: Make up some lie about (single guy friend) finally getting engaged so that they really want to show up and see if it is true or not. Thank them for their time and tell them how you can't wait to see them tomorrow night.

Salutation:

Your name with nickname in "quotations"

Fake cell phone number just so they can't call to tell you they aren't coming (use the 555 in the phone number just to cheese them off.)

PS Quirky statement about something you forgot to say above but then by saying it, brings the whole letter to a close.

PSS Funnier statement about the PS above but with additional information about Greg's limited manhood girth.

Being tall has its advantages

Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend

Dear HolyJuan,

I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.

I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.

After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.

I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”

I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”

After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.

So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

Dear Sleepy Scott,

This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.

Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?

Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.

Love,

HolyJuan

PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.

Every Burger: Yum of delicious taste testing

We head out once a month to the local Chinese buffet for lunch. Right next door to the buffet is a conveniently located Chinese grocery store that sells stuff like wax berries, dried ginger and Every Burger. Today, we will test the Every Burger on the unsuspecting Erik, who was unable to make it to lunch.

Every Burger Box (front)

This looks harmless… and it looks like whatever is in there, there are two of them.

Every Burger Box (back)

Looks like we have been tricked as this is a product of Japan. Oh well. The first two ingredients are flour and sugar, we believe our hero is safe. But wait? What's this?

Rapeseed Oil? Gross. Good thing it is only mildly toxic to humans.

Upon opening the box we find two foil sealed packets and some kind of warning on the flap.

I had my good friend Arata Isozaki translate the text on the flap.

Opening the foil reveals… eight, cute little burgers!

This photo illustrates the smallness of the burger and the largeness of the hair on Erik’s arm which migrated down from his scalp.

Erik eats the burger and to his delight…

IT’S DELICIOUS!

They taste like Kit-Kats with a slightly gritty, but inoffensive, texture.

Thanks Erik! And thank you to the Mid-Ohio Poison Control and Stomach Pumping Facility.

NEXT WEEK: Taint Berries

Jesus is my Co-pilot

Venus al la Orange

I took this photo in 1993 in Valencia Spain. Someone stuck two oranges on top this statue.

Let me tell you first hand that the oranges directly from the trees in Valencia taste like crap.