Jesus Candy

My wife works at a pre-school. They have events for the kids and sometimes purchase novelty items and decorations concurrent with the theme. There are several vendors that supply these cheap trinkets, baubles and colorful decorations.

One of those companies is the Oriental Trading Company, Inc.



Once you make a single purchase from them, they fill your mailbox on a bi-weekly basis with their catalog. Usually I toss the thing in the recycling bin, but on a whim, I flipped through the catalog. There was the standard birthday kits, St. Patrick’s Day decorations, balloons, Jesus candy… Jesus candy? The Oriental trading Company obviously knows that religious people like to have parties too.

The “Walking With Jesus” Gummy Treat Pack caught my eye.



Several colorful gummy feet in assorted tropical fruit flavors! These footprints are in reference to the “Footprints” poem where a man has a dream that Jesus bailed on him during the toughest times of his life, making him walk alone. Upon further research, I found the original poem ending:

“THE LORD REPLIED:
My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I turned those footprints into sweet candy goodness, so that you would have a snack during those really awful times."

That cleared up everything…

Until I saw the “Colors of Faith” Jelly Bean treat Packet.



“Each assorted flavor jelly bean has a special meaning.” Wow! Kids can have a sugary snack AND be reminded of our God’s graces. The title says, “Thank you Lord for jelly beans. Their rainbow of colors remind me of your love.” Oh! How sweet! Let’s see what the colors represent:



WHAT THE HELL!

RED – God’s Shed Blood
This has got to be a typo or a reference to the Trinity and Jesus’ death on the cross. Either way, it’s still screwed up. They got the color right. It just seems a little gross to be happily chewing and swallowing God’s Type O. (I'm sure God would be a universal donor.) Then I thought perhaps this was the vengeful God candy and it was supposed to read, “God Sheds the Blood of the Unbelievers.” That would make a little more sense and be a warning to other kids in school when a handful of red jelly beans is left in their desk. “Here is some candy for you Billy! Enjoy it as you burn in the eternal hellfires.”

BLACK – Death and the Darkest Day
I thought red was fucked up. Luckily this part of the rainbow reminds me of God’s love.

Is it the goal of the candy to make you repent after lunch? Is it a quick snack for the apocalypse? You can’t take it with you, but why not a little treat before the ascension?

Imagine a screw up at the factory and getting a whole pack of blacks? Would you just kill yourself right there?

What if you don’t like the taste of the white ones? Is that sacrilege? Can you swap “God Created Light” with your friend’s “God’s Purity” and not piss off the Almighty?

These things I do not know. What I do know is that I will never be able to eat a black jellybean again without thinking of the four horsemen riding around and locusts. It’s hard to eat candy and think about locusts.

In case you want to place an order:

Jesus Footprints

Jellybeans of the Apocalypse

Greg and Dad: Rancor and son

Meat Mountain Makes Miss Sally Sick

(Click to enlarge)

Miss Sally saw this ad in a parenting magazine. She said it grossed her out.

Now that I keep looking at it, it's starting to gross me out, too.

"This time, we didn't forget the gravy."

Mister! Mister!!

For three years I traveled with science museum exhibit, performing demonstrations and assisting guests with the sports related interactive exhibits. A school group excitedly poured into the exhibit one morning and I was swamped with kids wanting to spin like a skater on the angular momentum machine. This requires a bit of attention to the child spinning and I was only able to help one person at a time.

One boy was very excited and from behind me yelled, “Mister! Mister! Look at this!”

I turned my head and replied, “Just a second while I finish with this guest!”

He continued, “Mister! Mister! Come here and look at this!”

I ever so tactfully replied over my shoulder, “Just a second please.”

He ramped up a decibel or two, “Misterrrrrrrrr! Look! Look!”

I stopped the spinning guest and turned to confront the rambunctious child when a teacher walked up to the boy and said, “What do you want to show me?” Her nametag read, “Miss Derr.”

Ly would shit a brick

Back in 1998, I lugged about a ton of river rock, two hundred pounds at a time, up to the Life exhibit. They were a scenic component that I laid out one stone at a time in the very serene, oval, solid wood floor entrance to the Life exhibit. I remember arguing with Ly that we should epoxy the rocks in place. She didn't think it was necessary. I was more concerned about people kicking or throwing them.

Over time, kicking has been an issue. Throwing has not.

Neither one of us ever saw this coming:


I'm glad we didn't glue the rocks down.

Black Team

We are having a weight loss competition at work. I put out this sign over a tray of fudge that someone had left outside the boardroom.


I'm on the Black Team.

16 Fun Facts You Never Learned in School

Did you know? Pencil lead contains no lead, but lead contains about 12% graphite.

Did you know? 98% of the earth's sand all came from the same mass of sandstone?

Did you know? The moment between when the second hand on a clock ticks from one second to the next is called a trite.

Did you know? The tradition of throwing rice at a wedding was originally an Amish wedding tradition.

Did you know? “x” is the least used letter on the keyboard while “s” is the most. (w is now in second with the advent of the www.)

Did you know? Most lotions contain mayonnaise.

Did you know? Almonds soaked in tuna and then ingested will diminish a man’s sperm count fifteen fold. Those same almonds ingested by a woman will have no effect besides bad breath.

Did you know? 50% of American students are below average while 50% of all Japanese students are above average.

Did you know? The Great Wall of China is hollow and that locals in remote areas use the empty cavities to house sheep and goats.

Did you know? The average house stairway contain 11 steps.

Did you know? Dental floss was originally made of horse hair soaked in bitters.

Did you know? The inventor of Doritos named them after his wife Dorinda, whom he met when she was his parole officer.

Did you know? It takes the largest wheel on a big wheel the same time to spin a full circle as the small wheel.

Did you know? French law requires that the base of a wine glass be the exact same size as the top opening of the glass.

Did you know? 85% of bald people die of a depression related illness.

Did you know? It takes almost 4 hours for blood from your feet to reach your heart. This is why hypothermia strike the toes first.

Actual CNN headline: Roger Clemens Questioned by Lawmakers On Steroids

If you need proof, here are photos of a couple of roid raging lawmakers:

A bulked up Henry Waxman (D-Calif) in an anabolic fit of drug induced anger.



Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) in a complete and utter roid rage.

Vote for #4 please!

My friend Stephanie has entered a design contest. Can you vote for her?

Go to http://www.wwhotv.com/Global/category.asp?C=125471&nav=menu581_4 and use the ballot at the bottom of the page to vote for #4 please.

Thanks!

HolyJuan

No Dive Flags Allowed

No Bombs

You just can't have bombs anywhere these days. The terrorists have won.

Photo Credit: Bill Christman

Has God told Huckabee that McCain won’t make it to the Republican National Convention?

Huckabee knows something that mathematicians and most everyone else does not. In a surprising announcement this morning on MSNBC, Mike Huckabee stated that even though it is mathematically improbable for him to win the Republican nomination, he is going to continue on campaigning because “something could happen to John McCain” between now and the Republican National Convention. What is that something? McCain could drop the F bomb or call Obama a pineapple chucker. But what we all know he means is that McCain could have a stroke or drop dead any minute.

And how would Huckabee get this information? God told him.

In Huckabee’s twice daily (and three times on the Sabbath) conversations with God, he probably asks God if he should continue his campaigning. What do you think God is saying to Huck? A smart God would tell Huckabee to drop out so that he doesn’t make McCain look un-Conservative. He’d probably mention that miracles are for wine, loaves and fishes and not for elections. But that’s not what Huckabee is hearing. Huckabee hears, “Go the distance,” and inevitably, “If you build it, McCain will have a stroke.”

Now, my belief is that McCain has a better chance of saying “fuck” than dropping dead. He’s a tough s.o.b. no matter what Chuck Norris says. But… if you know God is on your side, anything is possible.

So if in some offhand chance, McCain does bite it before the Republican National Convention and Huckabee wins the nomination… what next? I assume that if God will take the time to off McCain, he would also want Huck to win the general election as well. Now that would take a miracle… unless Obama has a stroke too. Then Hillary would come down with prostate cancer and so on and so on until there’s no one left to run against him.

And if all that happens, you can bet for sure that I’m going to repent, vote for Huckabee and convert to whatever religion he tells me to in the 28th Amendment. Hallelujah Huckabee!!

In Paris... aim for the sign

We saw this warning sign in Paris along the river.

In the United States, we would build a four foot high barrier with a metal fence on top of it all along the length of the river. In Paris, they put up a sign and hope you have common sense. If you do find yourself heading for the dropoff... aim for the sign.

Greg and Dad: Ass Toupee

Republican Party to America: “We quit.”

As a Republican, I find myself wondering what the hell is going on. It is true my Republican affiliation has been increasingly fading and the closest fragment of the party I can hang my hat on is with the Log Cabin Republicans. (It’s tough to be an atheist, pro-choice Republican.)

I see you other Republicans. Hands clasped behind your backs. Innocently whistling skyward. Walking slowly backwards away from George Bush and the inevitable nominee, John McCain. You are giving up. Senators. Talking heads. The pundits, or as they will be called in the coming weeks, “punt-its,” have already dropped back 14 and a half yards and are praying for a Hillary nomination. Dust off the 1996 Playbook boys and change the date on the cover!

Oh sure, when it’s our troops fighting overseas we shake our fists and rant, “No Retreat!” But when we can’t find a Republican candidate that isn’t a Faux-Moderate or a Fundamentalist Kook, we start waving the white flag and digging four year trenches. It’s much easier to bring out Limbaugh’s re-runs, hope the Democrats screw up and hand us the elections in 2010 and 2012.

There are several reasons Republicans want to give up now. First off, we can see how our current silly candidates are caught in a winless battle with themselves. Everyone is playing nice because they realize that McCain is so fragile and it is way too easy to beat up on for his political past and present. Huckabee’s a douche. Even Ron Paul, who doesn’t have sheep’s chance in West Virginia, is a better Republican pick than McCain. I can’t wait for the Democrats’ commercials which will be filled with McCain’s own fatalistic quotes about jobs never coming back, War and a Middle East military presence lasting for 100 - 1000 years. You’ve heard the radio personalities say they’d rather vote for Hillary than McCain… how insane is that?

Second, Bush has utterly and completely left a mentally and fiscally, tattered and torn America behind and the person who attempts to change it is not going to make a lot of friends. So why should we take it on the chin when we’ve got the Dems to do it for us? Until we learn to confront Bush on his some of his ignorant policies and overspending, we are never going to get out from under his greasy, dead-eye determination shadow.

And finally, with the lackluster candidate and without a banner to stand behind, Republican turnout in November will be meager at best. Why even try? At most we are hoping for a Hillary nomination to bring out the Clinton-Hate vote. If Obama gets the nod, just stay in your trench and head for the safety of the internet.

Once the Dems finally pick a candidate (and quit hoping that they will start in-fighting,) McCain will fall apart. I’ll watch from the sidelines as McCain recants, re-remembers and sticks his lip out. All he has to stand behind now is War and Life and that just doesn’t cut it anymore.

If it comes down to Hillary vs McCain… I guess I, too, will be staying at home in my trench because I am a weak spine, denied entry to the Log Cabin Republicans, pro-choice, disenfranchised and disillusioned Republican. And if the opportunity arises, once I flip the switch to vote for Obama, I won’t even be that anymore.

Elevator vs Stairs

The Perfect Valentine Date... at White Castle

Thanks for the tip, Meshelle!

Pat Robertson calls for Primary votes of tornado dead not be counted

(SOURCE)

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA - Arkansas and Tennessee were ravaged by tornadoes on Tuesday with the current fatality count at over 26 and rising. During his nightly broadcast, Pat Robertson called for his followers to pray for the injured and the families of the deceased.

Later in the broadcast, during a Primary Day discussion, Robertson claimed that the voters in Tennessee and Arkansas who were killed probably voted for someone other than a Christian Conservative. “This was not a random act of God, but rather a message to those who do not follow His teachings. Those primary votes should not count.”

“I know this is painful for the families to hear, but if you voted for anyone other than a Christian, you have accepted God’s wrath, and that's the way it is, period.”

Later in the broadcast, Robertson clarified his position stating that while the votes of the deceased should count now, “…it will be very hard for them to vote in the election in November.”

How to write a “Let’s Get a Drink Letter”

Getting your lame ass friends out to get a drink can be a real problem. As I am an expert in this, let me help you to convince your friends to go out and grab a beer with you and possibly end up at the nudie bar.

Dear (insert friends’ names individually or use a small penis referenced general greeting to all),

I Introduction: Say hello to friends with a short passage about how things are going and how much work is a pain. Continue with discussing the weather and how Spring is in the air. Transition to paragraph two with a suggestion of how getting together would be a fine idea.

II The pitch: Sell the "drinking with friends tonight" idea. Ask when was the last time you saw each other and describe about the time when XXX got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Cuba with a 14 year old prostitute. Question their loyalty to work and suggest that puking at the 10:00am daily meeting is perfectly normal. Finish the paragraph with telling everyone that you plan to meet at (no later than 3:00pm) on (any day of week as long as there is one hour notice) at (insert local bar with Tavern or House in the name.) Suggest they bring a hot, unmarried friend who has a drinking problem and can't remember the name Doug or how bad he is in the sack.

III Sell! Sell! Sell! : Guilt them into submission by telling them that (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) will be joining the festivities. If they don't know who (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) is, fuck them. Make those cock sucking, sons of bitches regret that they ever crossed your path if they don't show up and I don't give a fucking shit if American Idol is on boo hoo fucking hoo.

IV Relax: Remind them again of the time and the place. Tell them that Doug will actually be there on time. Lie to them again by saying that Doug will buy the first round.

V Summation: Make up some lie about (single guy friend) finally getting engaged so that they really want to show up and see if it is true or not. Thank them for their time and tell them how you can't wait to see them tomorrow night.

Salutation:

Your name with nickname in "quotations"

Fake cell phone number just so they can't call to tell you they aren't coming (use the 555 in the phone number just to cheese them off.)

PS Quirky statement about something you forgot to say above but then by saying it, brings the whole letter to a close.

PSS Funnier statement about the PS above but with additional information about Greg's limited manhood girth.

Being tall has its advantages

Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend

Dear HolyJuan,

I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.

I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.

After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.

I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”

I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”

After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.

So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

Dear Sleepy Scott,

This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.

Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?

Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.

Love,

HolyJuan

PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.

Every Burger: Yum of delicious taste testing

We head out once a month to the local Chinese buffet for lunch. Right next door to the buffet is a conveniently located Chinese grocery store that sells stuff like wax berries, dried ginger and Every Burger. Today, we will test the Every Burger on the unsuspecting Erik, who was unable to make it to lunch.

Every Burger Box (front)

This looks harmless… and it looks like whatever is in there, there are two of them.

Every Burger Box (back)

Looks like we have been tricked as this is a product of Japan. Oh well. The first two ingredients are flour and sugar, we believe our hero is safe. But wait? What's this?


Rapeseed Oil? Gross. Good thing it is only mildly toxic to humans.

Upon opening the box we find two foil sealed packets and some kind of warning on the flap.


I had my good friend Arata Isozaki translate the text on the flap.


Opening the foil reveals… eight, cute little burgers!


This photo illustrates the smallness of the burger and the largeness of the hair on Erik’s arm which migrated down from his scalp.


Erik eats the burger and to his delight…

IT’S DELICIOUS!

They taste like Kit-Kats with a slightly gritty, but inoffensive, texture.

Thanks Erik! And thank you to the Mid-Ohio Poison Control and Stomach Pumping Facility.

NEXT WEEK: Taint Berries

Jesus is my Co-Pilot (3)

Jesus is my Co-Pilot (2)

Jesus is my Co-pilot

Venus al la Orange

I took this photo in 1993 in Valencia Spain. Someone stuck two oranges on top this statue.

Let me tell you first hand that the oranges directly from the trees in Valencia taste like crap.

My conversation with i_heart_erie

This series of comments was to irresistible not to put into an article. This stems from a “news” piece I posted about Ohio legislators voting to change the name of Lake Erie to Lake Ohio. A reader named “i_heart_erie” was a bit taken aback by the story. The following is our exchange verbatim from the comments section.

i_heart_erie said...
First off, I know this is a bunch of crap! Lets really think this through... 1. Lake Erie is all that Erie has, don't take that away from us. If it wasn't for the lake, noone would know where the hell Erie was. B. What would the 4 Erie counties call themselves? Would they all change their names? Would there be an Ohio county in NY, PA, OH and MI? Now that doesn't make much sense... and III. Why would Ohio want to lay claim to a body of water that has given the major towns and cities that not only feed off of its water supply but take a refreshing dip in it during the hot, humid dog days of summer a 70% higher cancer rate than the rest of the nation. OK O-H-I-O, if you are stupid enough to consider spelling your state a great cheer for a god awful university, I guess you are stupid enough to believe this is ever going to happen!


Doug said...
Erie, PA is the armpit of Pennsylvania. If you guys didn't have that one gas station there, no one would even bother to stop.

So quit your bitching. You sound like some whiny sorority girl from Indiana University.


i_heart_erie said...
Erie is not an armpit, it is the 4th largest city in Pennsylvania. And you should know about armpits coming from Lancaster, OH.

Just for your information, I was not a sorority girl. But you do sound like one of those dip-shits who joined a frat just for those special circle jerk masturbation parties where you all are trying to jizz on the same piece of the house mom's homemade bread.


Doug said...
Being the 4th largest city in Pennslyvania is like being the fourth least retarded kid in school.

Hey, at least I can claim that I could go to a school within 100 miles of my hometown. I didn't need to take the greyhound bus 850 miles to find somewhere that would accept me.

And I would never call you house mom's homemade bread... those stories from your college past are safe with all 225 guys.


i_heart_erie said...
Look here buddy... I got accepted into 9 different colleges. I did not even apply to any Ohio schools because the education that you find there only rivals those retard junior colleges that you find next to big schools in other states.

Also, you might want to check your math because last time I drove it, IU was only 465 miles away from Erie. You might want to grab a calculator next time you are doing math... but wait thats right normal mathematical rules don't apply to you since you are from an area that contains so much incestually caused brain damage that the local schools had to change the text books so that 2+2 can actually equal 6.

I will take credit for the 225 guys only if you take the credit for the 657 men putting their wangs in your poopshoot so violently that you left college with an outstretched asshole and huge, saggy, wrinkled balls (that one is for you Juan)!


Doug said...
Erie, you turd pile vaginal cramp. The reason it was 850 miles for you is that you would get two-thirds way there and remember that you forgot to fill up with gas and so you would drive back home to get gas.

And so what if I take it in the ass? It kept you mom employed for the first 14 years of her life, don't mock it.

And when you say accepted into nine schools, that's because you kept looping around the board in the game of LIFE.

So fill that fucking 6 seater plastic car with the pink and blue pegs you stretched out vagina, food stamp spending biatch... cause it only costs an extra $20 to get a conveyor belt installed in your womb, just like every other ten cent whore in Erie.

{I have not heard back from erie since.}

The 2008 Presidential Candidates: What will they look like in four years?

We've all seen how the Presidency can age someone. Here is a fast forward look as to what the Presidential Candidates might look like four years into the future.

Mitt Romney


John Edwards


Rudy Giuliani


John McCain


Barack Obama


Mike Huckabee


Ron Paul


Hillary Clinton




{Photo Credit to the Washington Post: http://projects.washingtonpost.com/2008-presidential-candidates/}
Thanks to AquaVelvet as well.

The Perfect Museum Exhibit

In a recent survey, we asked a bunch of people what they thought archeology was. They said dinosaurs. So from our vast experience of people and what people like, we designed the perfect science museum exhibit based on what people like. And people like the following:
Guns
Dinosaurs
Pyramids
The Fundamentalist belief that dinosaurs and man lived together.
Here is a rendering of the exhibit:

Anne's Plant

Here is Anne's plant:


While she was here, it was small and well cared for. Now Anne has been gone from work for seven long years and the plant has been abused, forgotten and rarely watered... and it has flourished.

I'm not sure what this means, but it gives me hope for the people that are beat down by life and are somehow able to thrive. But it also depresses me thinking that you can love something too much. Luckily, I don't have that problem, except with myself.

Ask HolyJuan: Snoring and Vaginalstreptacucumberus

Dear HolyJuan

Since we have now moved beyond the topic of food to the topic of getting laid, what to do about snoring?! My partner snores. He says that I snore too, but you know that cannot possibly be true because I am a petite delicate flower. And flowers do not snore.

I need your help.

Thanks!

~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com


Dear ~Marcie,

Hmmmm. This is very interesting. Mainly because I, too, am aware that women do not snore. They don’t poop either, but this has nothing to do with that or delicate flowers. I am afraid this might be Vaginalstreptacucumberus. Vaginalstreptacucumberus’ symptoms include a loud snoring sound with an occasional light, almost fruity discharge. When you wake up in the morning, are you slightly sore with the feeling that you have been in a state of rest for 4 – 8 hours? After you brushing your teeth, do you feel the urge to look at your teeth in the mirror?

I think we have found our culprit.

Vaginalstreptacucumberus is caused when a woman inserts 8 – 10 medium sized cucumbers into her most womanly hole. This usually happens after a night of drinking so you might not remember. Check your receipts for a late night stop at the grocery store. If you have an Asian guy who sells fruits and vegetables near your apartment, check to see if he has trouble looking you in the eye. If so, have him stand on a box and try again.

After about a week of Vaginalstreptacucumberus, the cucumbers begin to ferment. This cucumberation usually last three to five days with the occasional expulsion of gas which causes the snoring sound.

By this time, it’s probably too late. The cucumbers have dissolved into your body and all that is left is the skins and some seeds. These will bond to the sides of you woman cave and become as curtains to the eggs that pass by.

In about a week, you’ll burp and a mouthful of seeds will come out. Don’t be embarrassed. Just spit them out into your hand, pocket them and move on. Explain to your co-workers that you had a cucumber sandwich for lunch and quickly make your way to a near-by plot of dirt. Bury the seeds and pee on the spot. Move on and do not look back.

Otherwise, you’ll be fine.

Oh, and your partner’s snoring? Analstreptazucchinius. Tell him to start looking for seeds.

Greg and Dad - Dick Cheney's Heart

{Greg and Dad is a cartoon segment of HolyJuan where Greg (aged 4 years)draws a cartoon and dad adds the caption.}

HolyJuan’s Predictions for 2008

OK, so none of my predictions for 2007 came true except for the “3. Bird Flu will not have an effect on the world’s population… this year,” prediction.

Here is my list of predictions for 2008 and I predict all of them will maybe come true.

1. The world will NOT end on 06/07/08. Unless you count my soon to be cousin-in-law, then maybe you have an argument.

2. Home Depot will change the spelling of its name to Home DeePo so that people start pronouncing it correctly.

3. I will not get caught for cheating on my taxes.

4. Due to some crazy political thing and some weird labor thing and an awful bug infestation thing and a mule slaughter thing, here will be a coffee shortage of epic proportions. Tea people will point and laugh until the tea shortage kicks in.

5. The US Mint will cease penny production. The New(est) Dollar coin will look and feel like 100 pennies taped together.

6. Calculator watches will come back in style.

7. 50% of the US population is going to be upset about the election results. 100% of Ron Paul supporters are going to be upset about the election results.

8. Shit tornados. Everywhere.

9. It will rain on September 26th in Lancaster, OH.

10. Harrison Ford will go into a sex induced coma. He will only awaken when George Lucas swears to God that he will allow someone else to write and direct the final Star Wars trilogy.

Giant Chicken or Taloned Beast Footprints on Mars

I'm not sure why everyone is so excited about the Bigfoot on Mars when in the same photo there are clear and undeniable chicken or "taloned beast" prints on the ground. NASA is slacking on the Photoshopping of their photos to cover up life on Mars.

I love it

Rich Silverstein of the celebrated advertising firm of Goodby and Silverstein may take the cake for the most audacious effort to win over a potential client when he pitched Isuzu Motors. Silverstein printed up flyers and had them placed in the windshields of Isuzu all over San Francisco, offering to pay $50 to anyone who parked his or her car within a two block radius of the advertising office at the foot of Telegraph Hill. Who could resist? The visiting Isuzu executives were amazed to enter a neighborhood that looked like a giant Isuzu dealership and Silverstein got the account.

The Art of Innovation

Tom Kelley

Beautiful...

mad max haiku

I use StatCounter to track my hits and to help me stalk the eight people who come to my site. StatCounter will also let me see what word searches people use to get here. Someone did a search on Google for “mad max haiku driving” and found my site.

So I thought I would help them out next time they do the search.

Alone with your car
Gasoline non-existent
Chainsaw guns are not

Jung Personality Test Results - AHOL

I took a Jung Typology “personality test” and as it turns out they sum your life up in four letters. Here’s mine:

AHOL - "Egotistical Bastard". Extroverted, self-intellectual with a preference for telling others what their opinion is. A self loving hater and a destroyer of relationships. Fortunately, they only encompass only 0.02% of total population.

To outsiders, AHOLs may appear to project an aura of "egotistical bastardness", of complete self-confidence. This incredibly over the top self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for complicated arrogance by idiots, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most AHOLs start building right after the loss of virginity. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and AHOLs can have several (they know everything you do not)-- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, which they can’t because you are a complete mess. AHOLs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know, which is nothing.

AHOLs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest as long as they get something out of it. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is other people holding them back. You, especially.

AHOLs are known as the "Mind Fuck" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of cock blockedness and ruthless despair. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this though a verbal beat down; AHOLs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. In other words, you are dumb and you should get the fuck out of his way.

Probably the strongest AHOL assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to make others feel like complete idiots. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated verbal taunts, sketches of private parts and e-mails of a highly improper nature.

Is your Gay product guaranteed?

Don't be fooled by non-Gay products! Fill your mouth with the Safe, Sanitary and Sterilized Gay product. If it's not guaranteed... it's not Gay!

Finally! A "Do Not Disturb" sign made just for me.

Contemporary Insantiy: Renovated, Invigorated and as Fresh as a Walk Down a Dirt Lane in Spring with Your Mom as Curtains Billow in the Background

Brandon is back from his eight week internship in Lagula, Uganda and the first thing he did (right after getting the twenty or so Bot Flies removed from his flesh) was to get his site Contemporary Insanity back up and running.

I highly suggest you go check it out. (And look up Bot Fly while you are at it so you can get COMPLETELY grossed out.)

If you remember, Contemporary Insanity was the first site to have full video of Jon Stewart's CNN Crossfire Appearance and will be the first site to have coverage of the 2010 Psychic and Mindreaders Convention building collapse.

Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food

Dear Holy Juan~

Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.

I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.

~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com


Dear ~Marcie,

The correct answer is Swedish Fish.



And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.

I hope this helps!

Your friend,

HolyJuan

Jesus at the Pool

Styling - With Mr. T

Mr. T shows us why most history books skip the years 1984 - 1987.

I also like at the end when Mr. T threatens the fashion designers with cannibalism.

Canidates for Change

Ask HolyJuan: Buttered Bun Etiquette

Dear Holy Juan~

Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?

I eagerly await your answer.

Thanks!
~Marcie


Dear ~Marcie,

Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!

Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.

Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.

You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.

If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.

Now, run!!

That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.

And yes, you are welcome.


{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}

How to ruin your life

So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:

Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.

Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.

Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.

If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.

“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”

Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.

Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.

Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:

114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop

Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!

Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?

It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”

And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.

/gquit

Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.

You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.

Step nine: Get married
Obvious.

Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!

Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.

Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)

So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.

Note to self: buy Twizzlers.

The Church of Scientology Sued for Copyright Infringement

LOS ANGELES- By now, you probably have seen the slightly creepy, nine minute video of Tom Cruise discussing his infinite love of the Church of Scientology with the theme from Mission: Impossible looping every eight seconds in the background. As the video spread across the internet, the distraught Church of Scientology sent out several cease and desist letters claiming copyright infringement. A day after its release, it was taken down from YouTube and several other sites also stopped hosting the video. The litigious religious cult almost was able to cull the hype.

Apparently this has backfired. Not only has the mainstream media picked up the story and shown the video in its own endless loop, but Danny Elfman, who composed the music to Mission: Impossible, is also claiming copyright infringement for his music being used without his permission. That horrible, looping in the background of the video is copyrighted and Mr. Elfman has stated through his lawyer that permission to use the music was never granted. Mr. Elfman’s lawyer filed suit in the Los Angeles County Superior Court this afternoon.

The Church of Scientology has not commented on the lawsuit. Danny Elfman's only comment was that he is in no way shape or form related to Jenna Elfman and requested that the media and blogosphere to please stop asking.

Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night

Dear HolyJuan,

I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.

What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!

-Ralph

Dear Ralph,

I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.

I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.

But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)

If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.

Best of luck friend,

HolyJuan


{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}

Ask HolyJuan: Repeat last weeks answer and 1 Million Dollars

Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.

Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.

Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!

As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.

And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.

Try not to laugh

This is a game show from Japan. I'm not sure what the rules are but I DARE YOU not to laugh.

HolyJuan Stool Chart

Borrowed from the Bristol Stool Chart -link-.

Jesus at the Bar

Greg and Dad 1-13-08