Scam Baiting.... again

The following is a series of e-mails between myself and a Nigerian Scammer. To make things interesting, I had the scammer e-mail several different characters. The people you are about to encounter are as follows:

Ibrahim Griffis – the scammer
Frank Stein – original receiver of the e-mail; stomach cancer sufferer
Charles Handsey – Son of Frank, takes over the e-mail process in the middle
Dee Sknuts – business friend of Charles, sneaks the deal away from Charles

I switch back and forth between the participants who are e-mailing. To keep this as easy to read as possible, I will bold the “From: and “To:” within the e-mails. I’ll also edit the top bit to show “From” first. Anything in {brackets} is an editor's note. {Thanks to ILuvNUFC for the line code.}

---

From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Frank Stein
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Sat, 14 Jul

Hello Dear,

It is my pleasure to contact you today after praying fervently in this order, for a business venture which I intend to establish in your country.{edited out blah blah scammer blah} Trunk Box that contains $9,000,000 (Nine Million United States Dollars) which he made with a security company for safe keeping in this very country. I have verified and confirmed the deposit to be intact. And he registered the box as an African Artwork belonging to his business associate abroad.

After the burial, my late father's family took possesion of all his properties {edited out blah blah scammer balh blah blah} deposited trunk box that contains the above mentioned amount which they are not aware of.

Yours Faithfully,

Ibrahim.

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From: Frank Stein
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2007

Hello Mr. Griffis,

I have received your note and would be happy to assist you. Please let me know how I can help you.

Yours truly,
Frank Stein

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From: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
To: Frank Stein
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007

Dear Frank,

Thanks for your mail response. However I need you to understand that I had made up my mind to live and invest in your country, ever before contacting you. I believe I will be safe with you in your country. {edited out scammer blah blah blah} Lastly I want you to know that I have with me all the documents covering this deposit which was issued directly to my late father by the company on the day of deposit. Again I would love you to be reaching me through this my yahoo alternative email address. I am waiting to hear from you. Pls try and call me with this number +226 7635 4361, immediately you receives this mail so that we can discuss at length the position of things.

Thanks as I expect to hear from you soonest.

Yours Ibrahim.
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From: Frank Stein
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007

Dearest Griffis,

What an opportunity! I would love to help, but alas, I have just been diagnosed with Stomach Cancer this morning and do not have long to live on this Earth. The money might help to find a cure for me or to help pay for the Stomach Cancer Medicine, but probably not fast enough.

I have shared your information with my son, Charles Handsy, and he wants to help you. Please contact him at xxx@gmail.com .

With luck and speed, this money might help us to cure this cancer.

Best of luck,

Frank Stein

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From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Frank Stein
Subject: From Ibrahim
Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:08:41 +0200

Dear Frank

If you wants your son to take your place in this matter then tell him to contact me ok, otherwise I will start looking for someone else. It is true that I needed your help but I am not desperate ok. I know I will find someone for sure even when you decline, there will be a way out because the will is already there. Anyway am so sorry for your ill health. May God help you to live because doctors are not God. God is the one that has the final say in your life not the doctors. Doctors do fail most times but God never fails.

Thanks as I pray and wish you quick recovery.

Yours Ibrahim
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From: Charles Handsy
To: Frank Stein
CC: Ibrahim Griffis
Subject: Re: From Ibrahim
Date: Wed, 18 Jul 2007

Hello Dad,

Is this the guy you were talking about that needs your help? Have him e-mail me with the information. If I cannot help him, I'm sure my cousin Saul would. Saul just inherited that money from his Aunt. I'm hoping I can get my hands on some of that cash before he spends it all!

Love,

Charles

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From : Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18

Charles,

Please take over this job for me. I am so weak now. Contact Griffis at ibrahimgriffis@yahoo.fr and ask him about the money.

It's getting cloudy in here... this may be the end. I go to sleep now.

Love,

Father

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From: Charles Handsy
To: Frank Stein, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18

Dad? Dad??

Are you OK? DAD!!!

Mr. Griffis, if you get ahold of my father, let me know! I do not
think he is well.

Thank you,

Charles
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From: Ibrahim Griffis
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 18th

Dear Charles,

Thanks so much for accepting to help me out in this very matter. However I will be glad if you can call me on phone so that we discuss. I believe your father has given you some information regarding this matter.

Thanks as I expect your response urgently.

Yours Ibrahim.

------------------------------------------------------
From: Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 18
Please son... as a final favor to me... help this man...

Do it for your father........

.....

..

.

------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 19

Hello Mr. Griffis,

My father is in the hospital, but we hope he will get better soon.

Please let me know what information you shared with him.

He mentioned something about some money that you needed taken care of.
Is this an inheritance or something else?

Please let me know,

Charles

------------------------------------------------------
From Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 20

Dear Charles,

I think your father might have given you every information of my person and what I needed. But I want to tell you now to forward to me your full contact information so that I can forward them to the security company and at the same time introduce you to the company as the very business associate to my late father before you can contact them for the release of this trunk box that contained this $9,000,000.00USD to you. I want here now to call me on phone so that we can discuss.

Thanks

Ibrahim

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From: Charles Handsy
To: Griffis
Jul 20

Mr Griffis,

I am a bit concerned about giving you my personal information at this
point. I do not know if this is a scam or not. Do you have a number
I can call?

I am willing to give out the following information so that you can see
that I would like to move forward with this deal:

Charles Handsy
Columbus, OH
Age 22
I work for Awake! Magazine

I promise you sir that I can be trusted, but that I also must trust you.

Thank you,

Charles

------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 21

Dear Charles,
Thanks for your mail. Well my dear there are so many evil men and women in our world today. Since the existence of the world evil has always been there even from the very first begining but that does not mean that everybody is evil. No there are trusted people everywhere and that trust is what I have found in you. Pls put every fears behind you because I barely can hot a fly how much my fellow human beings. God forbid. Here is my number and I will be very happy to explain things for you on phone. +226 7607 2337. Pls just say that you will love to speak with Ibrahim. You know I am in a refugee camp. Pls you can only know that I am the one speaking if I say (IN GOD WE TRUST)

I will be waiting anxiously for your call.

Thanks for everything even as I know and believe that everything will soon be finalised successfully.

Yours Ibrahim.

------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 23

Hello Mr. Ibrahim,

I just tried to call you twice and it rings, but no body picks up. It
could also be a busy signal, the ring is very different.

I think it also may be that my phone will not call overseas.

My business partner Dee Sknuts has a phone that can call overseas.
(She is rich enough to afford such a phone.) Please forward the
number to her.

She can be contacted at deesknutsxxx@gmail.com

I NEED to be able to talk to you so that I can believe who you say you
are. Please forward your number as well as the best time to call.

For my fathers' health, please let us make this deal happen.

Signed,

Charles Handsy

------------------------------------------------------

From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 24

Dear Charles,

I am ready to contact any body. If you wish to let her into this matter then give her my number. You are such a funny fellow, you said you called me but I never noticed any sign of any call. That is strange.

Thanks

Yours Ibrahim.

------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24

Hello Dee,

Here is the gentleman I was speaking about.

Please call him at +226 7635 4367 as soon as possible!!

Time is of the essence if we want to get my father the treatment at the hospital!! They have started the procedure, but only on good faith that we will be able to pay.

I hope to see you soon my sweet!

Signed,

Charles
------------------------------------------------------
From Dee Sknuts
To: Charles Handsy, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24

Hello Charles,

I just tried to call. There was no answer. The ring is very odd. Must be one of those really backward countries.

Please make sure the number is right.

Please keep me up to date with your father's health.

Thanks Chuckie!

Love,

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 24

Mr Griffis,

Can you please double check the number and ensure it is correct? We
have both tried to call with no avail.

We are really in need of this money!!!

I have your number as +226 7635 4367 Is that a public phone at the
refugee camp? Is that why we are having a problem?

Please help,

Charles

------------------------------------------------------
{And now a voice from the past!}
From: Frank Stein
To: Charles Handsy, Dee Sknuts, Ibrahim Griffis
Jul 25

Son....

My health is failing, but even I can see that you have the phone number wrong.

Please get with Mr Griffis to get the right number.

Oh! The pain.

Signed,

Dad

------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Charles Handsy
Jul 26)

The number is +22676354361. The last number is 1 not 7.

Thanks.


------------------------------------------------------
From: Charles Handsy
To: Dee Sknuts, Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 26

Ok Dee! Here is the number!!!

+22676354361

It looks like the first number is the letter "t" and 22676354361. The
last number is a 1. REPEAT the last number is a 1.

I think you have to dial the "t" for foreign calls.

Please call him as soon as possible!

Charles

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Snuts
To: Charles Handsy, Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 26

T? I've never heard of dialing a "t." That looks like a plus sign.

Are you sure it means to dial a t?

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From Dee Snuts
To: Charles Handsy
CC: Griffis Ibrahim
date Jul 27, 2007 5:57 PM

Listen Charles... if this person Griffis is not going to help us then I am going to drop out of this deal. You can keep your half of the money. I can invest this $5000 some where else.

Please let me know if he is serious.

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Jul 29

Hello Mr. Ibrahim,

I am separating my association from my partner Charles. I will help you, but please do not tell him that I am helping you. I am done with his foolishness and his "father's cancer." I actually think his father drinks too much. Did you know that he is a Jehovah's Witness? Those people sleep with their own children! Almost as bad as the Muslims.

E-mail me the information you need as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Dee

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From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Jul 30

Dear Dee,

Thanks anyway for your mail. The only way I can believe and trust your seriousness is for you to call me with this number +226 7635 4361. Once I receives your call and speaks with you at lenght thereby giving you every details concerning this matter.

I want you to know that I do not deal with unserious minded people in my life and that is why I never responded to all the mails you people has been sending. I have more serious things to do with my time rather than wasting it on internet while responding to foolish mails.

I was begining to bring someone else that will help me in this matter but let me see how serious you are. Let me just give you that benefit of doubt before looking for an alternative. For cry out loud business is not by force it is either you are in or out. You dont contemplate on how to treat an Emmergency.

Thanks for your understanding.

Yours Ibrahim.

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 1
Dear Griffis,

I am in complete agreement with you. Why don’t some people just get to the point? I hate when my time is wasted! If you have something to say, just say it. Don’t use up my precious time. If I had time to waste I'd be doing something else! Don’t people understand that I am a busy woman!! I have better things to do. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself. I cannot believe that people would waste my time with these "e-mails" and make me spend MY valuable time listening to them complain. If you have something to say... SAY IT! I cannot believe that in this day in age with technology that people think we can sit around on the porch like a bunch of porch sitting people and waste time! Enough of that!! If you have something to say, just say it. Don’t use up my precious time. If I had time to waste I'd be doing something else! Don’t people understand that I am a busy woman!! I have better things to do. If you want something done, you have to do it yourself.

I am calling you right now.

I hope that Charles father DIES of stomach cancer. I never liked the guy. Did you know he was a Catholic?

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 2
Griffis,

I cannot seem to make the call. I do not know if I am dialing the number wrong or if I have the wrong international code or what. I am dialing 011+ 226 7635 4361It may also be that my internet phone does not allow me to call overseas.

Is there any way we can do this through the certified mail or over the internet?

You'd think the telephone people would be able to figure this out. Who do they think they are? Protestants?

Love,

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 4
I can see that you are not serious about this project. I have several other offers in my e-mail that I am going to track down. I'm sure THEY will be more helpful.

Good luck, Mr Griffis.

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 7
OK, I have called SIX times! Each time the phone will ring and ring. Do you not have a message service?

You'd think the phone company was being run by a bunch of red neck Arabs.

Get a hold of me as soon as possible.

Dee

------------------------------------------------------

From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 8
Dear Dee

Thanks for your mail and am sorry for the problems in getting me on phone as you may wish to know africans does not have good communication like your part of the world. Pls there is an urgent serious development. I had been ejected out of the camp because somebody implicated me in a case to which I know nothing whatsover about. Right now am roaming about the street, since the catholic where I had stayed for the past 4 days now has asked me to leave tonight. That is why I had not been able to respond to your mails since all these while.

Pls I will need $500 from you so that I can secure an accomodation in any local hotel around for the main time while we wait for the security company to release the trunk box that contained this money to you. Pls send the money to me directly on my name by western union money transfer GODWIN KEN GRIFFIS, CATHOLIC CATHEDRALE, OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. Meanwile I want you to send to me your full address and telephone numbers so that I can submit same to the security company and at the same time introduce you to the security company as the very business associate to my late father, while I shall be giving you the company's contact afterwards and I will also be directing you on how to contact the company in this regard. But pls be informed that there is nothing I can do unless you helps out with this money because I do not even have my transport fare to the security company's office which is very far away from where am been located now.

I will be waiting for your urgent respond to this my pleas.

Thanks


Yours Ibrahim

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 9

I just checked the exchange rate. It says that 500 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 1.05088 US Dollar (USD).

You want me to send you 500 CFA Franc, but that only makes $1.05 in US dollars.

That does not seem like very much.

Are you sure you don’t need like 1000 CFA Franc?

Please let me know.

And damn that catholic for throwing you out on the street! Almost as bad as the Lutherans!

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 10
I asked you to send me five hundred united states dollars. $500usd that is why what I said. Maybe you are just making fun of me anyway, otherwise when you see this sign, even a baby knows that this sign $ means dollars so you telling me all these is completely out of the question. When you wants to helps me then do if not tell me to look for someone else instead of suffering me this way, it will not be of any benefit to you at the end.
------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 12
Are you calling me stupid? You are the one sleeping in the streets. You are the one living in a refugee camp. You are the one BEGGING me for money.

I'm sorry that I did not understand what type of money you wanted. I am I supposed to know that you can spend US dollars in your country!! I can't spend your money in my country, how am I supposed to know that you can spend my money in your country!!

I have attached a photo of the $500 AMERICAN DOLLARS.

You want it? You better say you were sorry for calling be a baby.

The people at the money transfer office want a secret word as well. What secret word would you like to use that you can remember? Please do not make it a dirty word as I will be embarrassed.

Dee

{The "photo" of the money. I think there's actually about a hundred thousand dollars in that photo.}


------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 13
Thanks and am sincerely sorry ok. You can make this question and answer text like this:

QUESTION: TO WHO?
ANSWER : IBRAHIM

Thanks so much as I will be waiting to hear from you soonest.

Yours Godwin

------------------------------------------------------
From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 14

Hey Griffis,

I went to the Western Union office and they sent me home and said that you were a scammer! They said that people are getting scammed all the time.

I know you are different, but they said to make sure.

How can I be sure you are not a scammer? Can you send me a photo or id card?

I'd feel bad if I wasted all this time if you were lying to me.

Dee

------------------------------------------------------
From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 18
Hello,

Am so sorry for keeping you waiting. I had been seriously sick for couple of days now. Well I am still not too good healthwise as at this moment but I struggled my way through to respond to your mail as well send you my photo.

Pls try and send me this money immediately without further requests as this will only worsen my situation healthwise hence I needed this money to buy some drugs urgently.

Thanks s much for everything.

Yours Ibrahim

{His photo. Is this Paris?}


------------------------------------------------------

From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Aug 26
Well?

It has been five days since I sent you the money and I hear nothing back from you?

You ARE a scammer! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you.

Damn you! Damn you to hell!

Signed for the last time,

Dee

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From: Griffis Ibrahim
To: Dee Sknuts
Aug 28
You are very funny. Where is the information of the money you sent. I mean what is the question and answer text, and the control numbers. Honestly I do not understand a bit of what you are saying by calling me scammer. What an embarrasment all for the sake of the little assistance I needed from you. Quite unfortunate my dear.

thanks


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From: Dee Sknuts
To: Griffis Ibrahim
Sep 2

Oh dear Mr. Griffis! I believe I have made a terrible mistake.

I deal with so many offers in Africa that I think I deposited your money in someone else's account!!

I am deeply sorry! You needed the Money Transfer Our code was:

QUESTION: TO WHO?
ANSWER : IBRAHIM

Instead, I sent the money directly to a bank account under a different name. (See attached photo) I crossed out my person information, but you can clearly see I deposited $500 American United States of America United State Dollars into the account.

I am sorry! I am contacting that gentleman and seeing if he can forward the information to him. Here was my letter to him:

To whom it may concern:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

Until then, do you still need the $500?

Signed,

Dee Sknutz

{The document}


-------------------------------------------------------
Sadly, that was my last communication with Mr. Griffis. I hope he made it out of the refugee camp. If I hear anything from him, I'll let you know.

What I learned during my first month at work

I just got back into the cubical work environment. My company is not as starchy as most corporate headache companies I’ve read about, but there is something to learn from working for a larger company. Here’s what I’ve figured out in my first month:

1. Cubicles are AWESOME
Do not believe anyone that says cubical life is horrible. I have 5.5 sq ft of privacy. I can hang whatever photos or knickknacks I want on to the beige, carpeted walls. If I scrunch up, bend just right and use my feet as a pillow, I can sleep under my desk for an afternoon nap. You can also throw a foam ball into the masses of walls and no one will ever know you did it.

2. Know where the first aid kit is
I’ve needed it twice. Once because I was fucking around with a razor sharp knife and the second time because I was imitating what I was doing the first time when I was fucking around with the razor sharp knife.

3. Take the Stairs
Our CEO is a big fan of taking the stairs. If you see him in the stairwell; bonus points. If you are getting on the elevator and he is getting off, ask him, “Is the short cut to the stairs?” or tell him that you are working on a MythBuster’s interactive exhibit and ask if he’s got a tape measure on him.

4. Saying “fuck” is bad
The word fuck travels through cubical walls and office doors. Cutting most of your finger off is not an excuse for cursing. The best you can do is stand up on your desk and say, “Hey! Watch the language,” and hope your VP is at lunch.

5. Having a blog is bad
A blog can be dangerous. Especially when it is mine. What may have helped to get you hired is now a liability. Be careful about writing things that may offend the bald guy in the office or posting photos of you doing dumb shit at the workplace. Do not write about how hot co-workers daughters are! Especially the CEO's. I mean smoking hot.

6. All the good sites are blocked
For years I heard friends lamenting about not being able to get their personal e-mail or visit their favorite website. I told them to suck it up and wait until they got home. Now it is different. I’d say that 50% of the sites I attempt to visit are blocked for some reason. Sure, I can look at the Google cache, but it’s such a pain. It’s not like I am trying to look at porn (mostly.) I’m sure there is a good reason why the sites are blocked, but I’m not about to question why for fear of being monitored. I’ve read about work-arounds to get Gmail or proxies to go to blocked sites, but it’s my first couple of weeks and I do not want the internet lecture just yet.

7. Lunch is a pain
I love to eat. I love to go out to lunch. So does everyone else. Everyone else cannot decide on one place to go to. Everyone else cannot fit in one car to go to lunch. Inevitably what happens is that three people are upset they were not told about lunch, two people couldn’t go at a certain time because of meetings, two other people didn’t like where we were going in the first place and one person predicted the food would be bad and was right. In the end, only one person is happy and that is because they ran into the CEO in the stairwell as they were going to the cafeteria to eat crappy lunch alone.

8. Steno pads are better than a Palm Pilot.
That is a half truth. I cannot get my palm to sync with our Groupwise mail system. I’m not sure if I don’t like Groupwise or if I just need to get used to it. It’s just hard to hold a PalmPilot and fake looking at a task list that isn’t there while playing solitaire when everyone at the meeting knows that Palm and Groupwise don’t mix. Now, if I could get on an internet site that had helpful software so that my Palm and Groupwise could talk, that would be great. Sadly, those sites are blocked.

9. Nametags are a crutch
We wear nametags at work. This is great when you are walking down the hall and need to say hello to someone. This is bad when you have to recall someone’s name at a meeting and are forced to describe them by what shirt their nametag was attached to. Hint: avoid the word cleavage when describing what the person looked like. Especially when it is a guy.

10. You are only the “new guy” for a very short time. Make a good impression.
Show up early – failed
Don’t be late to meetings- failed
Don’t make fun of your boss’ bald head - failed
Don’t get caught staring – failed
Don’t say fuck really loud – failed
Don’t make a “women are bad drivers” comment in front of your VP – failed
Keep whistling down to a minimum – failed
Don’t go out drinking and dancing at Skully’s your first week of work and then roll in at 9:04am the next day- Failed
Don’t do the above again tomorrow – Pre-failed

Brandon Dawson - Business Websites Made Easy with Joomla

Brandon Dawson will be making a presentation at Ohio Linux Fest called “Business Websites Made Easy with Joomla” Saturday, September 29, 2007 at the Greater Columbus Convention Center. (Directions)

Pre-register here, basic registration is free, All-Conference passes are just $65, and you get cool swag and goodies!

Topics he'll be covering:

• E-Commerce

• User Profiling


• Generating Website Traffic


• Sales Conversion


• Making Money with editorial content or products


• CPM, CPC, and CPA Advertising


• SEO (Search Engine Optimization)
  

He’ll also be running a contest for two free copies of his forthcoming Packt Publishing Joomla Title, “Joomla! Cash“.

Phrases Women Use and Phrases Women Don't Use

My friend Stephanie likes to send me e-mails to remind me that I, as a male, am a simpleton and should just listen without provocation to what any woman says. Here is the list she sent me:

Phrases Women Use

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!

Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

I would follow that list up with the following:

Phrases Women Don't Use

Yes you can: Women will never say this. Ever. Unless the man asks if he can give her a foot massage or shove his head up his own ass.

No thanks, one scoop is enough: Obvious. Works with most portions like slice, bowl or dozen.

I don’t understand: Women will instead say, “I understand” even if they don’t just so they don’t look like they are stupid. When the thing they don’t understand catches on fire, then they ask for help by screaming.

Would you like to have sex again?: More obvious

I like your friends: You won’t hear this unless she is hooking up with one of them.

I’ll buy: You might hear this one, but she really doesn’t mean it. Get out your wallet, champ.

I'll change the tire: It's not that they don't know how to, it's just that their jeans are so low that if they bend over they might misplace the tire iron down their crack. What they don’t realize is that just by bending over on the side of the road, 8 – 10 cars, Harleys and semis will stop and ask if she needs help.

This makes my ass look big: You might think you have heard this one before, but as a question in the form of "DOES this make my ass look big." Your response to either was probably the same and you are still not going to get any action.

Can my friend join in?: You'll never hear this one. Unless the friend is a dude and your role is to hold the camera.

Meeting Comment of the Day

Team Member X : “John, do you know how to insert a watermark into a PowerPoint?”

John: “No. But I know how to put a mushroom stamp on a hooker's face. Will that help?”

I've got it!

I was driving. Brett was in the passenger seat. Russ, with his always present cup of iced tea, and Woody were in the back seat. We were driving around and looking for girls. So basically we were just driving around. The car was Dodge 600ES. It had everything. Digital dashboard. Tape deck with auto play. Power windows. Power locks. It was a sedan, but it was stick shift. And it talked. From “Your door is ajar” to “Your oil pressure is low. Prompt service is required.” We called it The Spy Car.

I was third in line for the spy car so I got it around 1989. By then, a lot of the James Bond stuff had stopped working. Digital dash only came on in metric. Tape deck needed a pencil jammed in it to work. Power windows only worked ½ the time. Power locks only worked 1/6th of the time. The voice had stopped annoying us two year prior. But we still called it the Spy Car.

Brett had bottle rockets. This wasn’t unusual. As we drove around neighborhoods, he’d fire one out the window saying, “This is my last one.” Fifteen seconds later, “This is my last one.” I tried to roll up his window with the master controls, but they were not functioning on that day. We all shouted for him to quit, but he didn’t. He finally said, “This is my last one,” and he was right, though he didn’t know it at the time. As he went to poke the lit-fuse rocket out the window, it clipped the door frame and rebounded back into the car at his feet.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (We all scrunched our bodies as far as physically possible from the passenger seat. I couldn’t see, but I’m sure Russ and Woody were clasping each other in a girlish hug of fear. It's also pretty tough to drive stick scrunched up in to a fetal ball. With neither of my feet on the pedals, the car started to shudder and jerk.)

Brett put his sneakers on top the rocket. “Don't worry! I've got it!” He shouted.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. CRACK!

The rocket shot up from under his feet and up the dash and in front of the glove compartment and it hit the ceiling and shot back down between the passenger seat and Brett’s back. Now wedged, the rocket blew pinkish fire on to the seat and Brett’s back. He leaned forward and the rocket shot off, disappearing somewhere in the car and, with a suggestion of muffled silence, exploded.

Even with all the windows open, the car was filled with acrid smoke. The car managed to stall to a stop. Everyone was bailing out of the car. I looked over and the passenger seat had a small oval of fire, eerily growing larger. I slapped it out with my hand. I quickly learned that burning passenger seat is comprised of fire and hot melty plastic that sticks to your hand and burns like napalm. Well, napalm jr.

While I was having a chemistry lesson in the front of the car, Russ was putting Brett’s shirt out. During this whole ordeal, Russ had managed not to spill his large cup of Baskin Robbins ice tea. As he exited the car, he saw that the back of Brett’s shirt was on fire. He calmly threw the entire contents of the cup on to Brett’s back, dousing the flames. Brett turned around and said, “Thanks for saving my life Russ.”

No, he didn't say that.

“Thanks for putting out my shirt that was on fire and on me at the same time.”

Not that either.

“Fucker! You ruined my shirt!”

See, Brett was wearing a one of a kind, Bowling Green, 1989 Doyt L. Perry Stadium Night Game t-shirt. Bowling Green University spent about $50,000 for huge portable lights to illuminate the football field and play a night game. Brett bought a shirt and he was very proud of it.

Brett was not aware of the fist sized hole burnt into the back of his shirt. He was also not aware of the fist sized 2nd degree burns on his back. In less than five minutes, he was very well aware of the burns. He’s got a scar there that he never gets to see.

I got out of the car and walked to the other side. We were all a bit shocked and forgot to beat the shit out of Brett. My car was sitting in the middle of a side street. Doors open with only the smell of the smoke left. I reached down a felt a pain in my ass region. I pulled my fingers back and there was blood on them. A quick inspection revealed that a chuck of my ass was gone. A small chuck by ass standards, but still. When Brett leaned forward in the car, the rocket must have shot over and between my ass and the car seat where it exploded. Inspection of the front seat revealed a little red stick poking out of a small blackened crater.

When we tallied up the losses it came out to:

One shirt (ruined, though I think he kept it)
One passenger seat top part (later covered in the taxi driver bead stuff)
One driver’s seat bottom part (matching taxi driver bead stuff)
One glass of ice tea
One pair of yellow shorts
Part of my ass

We got back in the car and drove to Monica’s house. Her mom patched Brett up and I used a lot of gauze and the white cloth tape in the privacy of the bathroom to patch myself up. We spent the rest of the afternoon swimming and thinking about what it would be like to have sex with Monica.

I told my folks a partial truth lie. Friends of friends (not our friends, honest) had been setting off fireworks and one ended up flying into the car. The perfect story. They didn’t believe it for a minute.

HolyJuan's Top Ten Movies

Here are my Top Ten movies in no particular order, except for number 11 which ended up in a three way tie for not making the top ten list.

Big Fish
The Matrix
The Royal Tennenbaums
Princess Bride
Say Anything
Léon
Blade Runner
The Shawshank Redemption
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Aliens

And in a tie for eleventh:
Terminator 2, Rushmore and Life Aquatic

Bridge to Terabithia is a Sack of Ass

Miss Sally and I stayed in last night and watched “Bridge to Terabithia.”

*Please stop reading now. I’m not a reviewer and I am really not that intelligent. What I am about to say is going to be rantful and include a lot of swear words and it also might be unintelligible, even after editing. It will also include details and spoilers about the movie. If you plan to ever watch this debacle, stop reading now and check out some porn instead.*

What a fucking crock of horseshit. On at least three or four levels I am completely fucking pissed that Bridge to Terabithia was ever created. Damn you Mr. Director and your little buddies Mr. and Mr. Scriptwriter. Assholes.

Here are the basics:

-This movie was well reviewed and it takes a lot for a Fantasy movie to get good ratings.
-I’d seen the trailer for this film and it seemed very interesting. Again, Fantasy movies are usually pretty shitty.
-I want to have sex with Zooey Deschanel.
-I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for boy meets girl movies where there might be a Pit of Despair or similar.

That being said, I was tricked and deceived and screw you movie people.

First off, this “Fantasy” movie has about seven minutes of fantasy in it. There’s a mutated squirrel, a bunch of metal bugs and a troll. Oh! I forgot to mention the Shadow Lord who wisps in and out with a jingle of keys. Not once, except at the very, very end of the movie does the plot slip into a 100% fantasy world and by that point I was so pissed that I didn’t care. I think the credits actually start rolling over top the world. In the classic fantasy flick The Neverending Story, there was a small amount of time spent in the “real” world and a great amount of time spent in the “fantasy” world. “Bridge” is the exact OPPOSITE. I wouldn’t be so pissed except that the trailer for the film is 75% fantasy. As a matter of fact, if you watch the trailer, you’ve seen every bit of fantasy in the film.

THEY KILL OFF THE GIRL. Oh my god the just make her disappear. The cheapest shot in the movie business. (OK, this is based on the book, but you are allowed to change the story.) What really sucked was I was still waiting for the full immersion into the fantasy world when she winds up dead in the stream. What a load of crap. There was some incredible opportunity for her character to be “missing” and for him to fight his own demons to find her in the world. She could have been in a coma and he could have brought her back from the other side. But no. She’s dead. I was sad for half a second and then I was just angry. Assholes. Killing someone off is at the top of the list of BS movie tricks next to a writer not being able to figure out what their characters should say so they whisper it and the audience cannot hear it. (see Lost in Translation.)

But as I said, they make the girl lead character disappear. Really disappear. She is never in the movie again except for a fleeting moment at her wake where a flash of light shoots across the screen. The boy can’t find her in the fantasy world. They don’t even hint that it was her that laid the logs across the river. And in the end of the movie when we are finally shown the fantasy world, she is no where to be found. What a steamy heap of bullshit. There was some terrific opportunity for the audience to leave with a little bit of respect, but they just forgot about the audience in the eight million dollar CGI film ending with credits.

Zooey Deschanel does not get naked.

On top of all that, all the adult characters are unbelievable. Not a problem in most fantasy movies where you only see them for a minute. In this film, we have to watch them for ninety minutes. Uncaring mom. A farmer who doesn’t have anything more than a greenhouse. Two writer parents who were torn straight from Cliché Monthly Magazine. Bullies who only understand violence.

This film had a lot of opportunities to be inventive and outstanding. The two lead actors worked well before they killed 50% of them off. The “fantasy” world had so many possibilities. I love to see bullies get their comeuppance in clever ways and this movie failed at that as well. So many failings. So many fucking failings. Assholes. Breaking my heart for nothing.

I’m going to go watch Big Fish and cry like a little girl.

The INSERT key stinks

When I started my job, I received the standard desktop computer, monitor, keyboard and mouse.

As part of my regimen when starting a new job, I removed the INSERT key from the keyboard.

Keyboard


After INSERT removal


It popped right off and I keep it in my desk drawer for pranks and for when I have to replace it once I get fired.

I'm not really sure what purpose the INSERT button serves other than to screw me up when typing. With these sausage fingers of mine, when I go for the DELETE key, I sometimes slip over and hit the INSERT key. When Word goes into typeover mode, I'm usually eight to ten letters in before I notice. I immediately forget when the hell I was typing so I have to go in and UNDO until I get back to where I was in the first place. It's best just to get rid of the INSERT key.

The moral to this story is that on Wednesday, I came back to my desk after a meeting and this is what my keyboard looked like:


Freckled Jenn had bought me a gag gift while she was traveling and wanted to drop it off. I was not at my desk when she stopped by and she left it in the little keyboard nest I had created earlier.

It is a perfect fit. What's great is that the bottom of the PORNO key is flat (it's got an adhesive back that I have not peeled off) so that it does not trigger the INSERT mechanism. I can leave it there until I get fired.

Past Secret

Hi! Do you have a deep dark secret you'd like to tell but cannot because you fear retribution from your family, peers or neighbors?

Please let me tell your story. If you've got one, please e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.

If you have a question for Ask HolyJuan, you can send it to that same address.

Bathroom Trickery

I poop. Sometimes at work. Sometimes it is pretty stinky.

My office is in a building where other guys use the bathroom too. Enough so that every other time I use the bathroom, there is a good chance that someone is going to be in there when I walk in or come in right as I am walking out. Our bathroom only has one pisser and one shitter so it is pretty close quarters in there.

Every guy in the building knows that there are other stinky poopy other in the building. When you find one, you mention it to your other guy buddies. They usually have a story about the stinky guy.

I do not want to be known as the stinky guy.

Sometimes after a night out with Shorty and a quick stop at White Castle, I am the stinky guy the next day. To combat this, I have a simple regiment.

If I walk in and someone is at the pisser, I act as if I am going into the stall just to pee. When they leave, I let loose and get the hell out. Chances are no one will be coming in as I am leaving. The next guy that walks in gets a surprise and can only place the blame on who he and his buddies think the stinky guy is.

If I walk in and the bathroom is empty, I try to get in and get out. If someone starts walking it, I move my feet as far as possible to the side so that they cannot see my shoes. Shoes are the dead giveaway. You’ll be walking down the hall and see a guy with brown loafers with the dangly things on them and realize he was the stinky guy from last week. I wear converse so I’m easily spotted. Keep quiet. Keep shoes far to the side. Wait till they leave. Wait thirty seconds. Run!

Now, here’s the tricky one. If I walk in and no one is in there, I drop trough and listen for guys walking in. If I finish before anyone walks in, odds suggest that someone will be coming in any second. I stand up, walk to the urinal and fake pee for a few seconds. If someone walks in to the cloud of retch, I can act as if I am just an innocent pisser who walked into an all ready polluted bathroom. You share a half second of silent sorrow with the guy who walked in, wash up and leave. Let him take the blame.

If you are the stinky guy, don’t even try this. We all ready know who you are. Please continue to take the blame for us other schmucks and continue to wear those awful brown loafers.

(And to you women who claim this article doesn't apply to you, you are wrong. If you have to poop, poop in the men's bathroom. Problem solved.)

Michael Vick finds Jesus

Food shopping

I went shopping tonight. It was not the fun shopping where I meet Erik out for drinks first and then go shopping second. In the winter, you can shop first and then grab a drink with your car trunk acting as a refrigerator. In the summer, you have to shop after drinks or else the milk gets warm and goes the way of the cottage cheese. When I shop after drinks, Greg is more likely to get fruit roll-ups.

Tonight though, I just went shopping.

But I was reminded that when we were kids, mom did most of the shopping. We always had diverse meals and it seemed that we never got tired of what we were fed. On the same note, mom never bought anything fun.

We loved it when dad went shopping. He’d come home with frozen waffles and honey with the honeycomb still attached. You’d help bring the groceries in and there would be a frozen turkey in the middle of July. Beans in a plastic bag that you had to soak for twelve hours. Brown eggs. Spam. It was like the carnival except with the four food groups plus a mysterious new canned food group that was either La Choy or canned brown bread. (Yes, there is such a thing as canned brown bread.)

Now that I do most the shopping, I wonder if I am a Mom shopper or a Dad shopper.

I think I’ll head to Dad’s this weekend and take some photos of the pantry. I bet there is still food coloring from 1976 in there when we made the Bicentennial cookies. Right there next to the bag of beans and the Deviled Ham.

Jesus as a child - Play Ball!

My Wife Magazined Me

Miss Sally gave Greg his bath last night as I finished painting the living room. (It was an awful red that only looked good in photos.) Usually I give Greg his bath and afterwards we watch 15 minutes of cartoons as he dries off. We then revert back to the normal bedtime routine. The good thing about “routines” is that they create expectations and get a child to sleep with limited wrangling. The bad thing about routines is if you stray from them, the schedully unrestrained child will most likely tumble out of control.

Miss Sally was not aware of Greg’s bath night routine of cartoon watching and she ended up wrangling him for an additional thirty minutes after the twenty minutes of arguing and figuring out where the train left the track.

Later on in the kitchen, Sally suggested that we need to get Greg on a standardized routine or share with each other what the routines are. I agreed. She also then mentioned that it would be nice if we could get out of the house and go on a date. I thought these were both great suggestions and I realized that we just had a conversation that was suitable for Dr. Phil. Wow. Communication. Sharing. What a great marriage!!

The next morning, still glowing from our conversation the night before, I gave Ann her bottle and was making ACTUAL PANCAKES ON THE STOVE . It was during this time that I flipped aimlessly through Real Simple Family magazine that had been sitting on the counter. My eyes glanced over an article about “Sticky Situations” with bottle of glue icons to rate the level of stickiness.

That’s when I saw this one:


Coincidence? I think NOT! I'd been magazined. My wife had read something in a magazine and tried to covertly implement it into our life.

I circled it with pink highlighter and left it open on the counter. Miss Sally came down a few minutes later and I said, “Look what we have here…” and pointed to the magazine.

She read the quip and shrugged slightly. I accused, “This is almost word for word what you said last night. And this article suggests I lie on the couch all the time.”

She denied it. Yes, she had read that article, but in no way shape or form was she attempting to article verbatim our relationship. And she was not accusing me of laziness as I am always putting Greg to bed. The routine suggestion was just that and the date night comment was just that as well.

Still… I’m sure it was possibly a subconscious train of thought to go from Greg’s routine to date night. Miss Sally would never magazine me.

I wish the article would have been from Cosmopolitan magazine and been titled “Ten Sex Cravings All Guys Have” with boobs for rating icons. Maybe I should get the highlighter out.

American Version of Roundabout Navagation

For the American Tourist... see original article here.

Weapons of Mass Destruction FOUND!

Chris, the ever astute Neo-conservative has been searching for the Weapons of Mass Destruction for the past four years non-stop.

Who knew this whole time they right under his nose.

He sent me this photographic proof



Good job, Freedom Fighter!!

In Case of Last Minute Art Project - Break Glass

Why average girls don't get laid

{Author's note: I have been besieged with e-mails asking me about this cartoon. Many do not get it because either I am too smart or I am an idiot. I'm sure many of you know which is correct. I drew this after reading an article about averages and how people can get them confused with medians. Basically what I am trying to say is that the "average" girl might turn out to be 0.5. And who wants to hook up with 50% of a girl?}

Job (Part 17)

Got a job.

I think this one will stick. No dead bodies.

Well, one.

And the seven dead fetuses.

And the box of ashes.

But I think that's it.

Jesus as a child: Jesus is IN

A letter to myself 20 years ago

We all have made decisions that we regret. Sometimes we wish we could go back and change everything. I’ve tried sending a message to my future self with mixed results. I think my next option is to send a letter to myself twenty years ago. The way you do that is write a letter, address it to yourself and then hope someday scientists figure out a way to send mail back in time. The cost should be low because postage was cheaper back then.

My letter to me twenty years ago would go a little like this:

Dear Doug,

Hi. This is you writing to yourself twenty years in the future. I’ve come to tell you about… How do you know it’s really you? Well, I’m the only one that knows that you once were masturbating in the laundry room and when mom came down stairs you had to hide silently in the corner for ten minutes with your pants down while she finished switching loads. Good enough?

So, I’ve come to tell you about… yes, you still have hair. Thinning, but it is still there. And you get fat. I’m waiting for the letter from my future me suggesting I start losing weight.

So allow me to say… no, disco is still dead. And don’t buy more than 4 flannel shirts in the next 3 or 4 years. You think you will need more, but they will look better the grungier they get.

Here’s the deal. In the future, you are going to make several mistakes. Some of them embarrassing. Some of them life changing. You are going to miss out on some wonderful opportunities and kick yourself for not choosing the other path. You are going to see some horrific things and your heart is going to be broken by beautiful women and people you should not have trusted.

The one most important thing you should know is this: don’t change a thing.

Everything you have done has led you to where I am now. At the time, you made decisions based on what you knew and they may not have been the best choices, but they were your choices. We both know that we do not believe in fate, but I do not what to screw up where I am now based on making you re-think or doubt your decisions.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to believe in yourself. I do.

Take care buddy.

Love,

Doug

P.S. Buy Google stock at $85

P.S.S. In 1994 you have the choice of going home with a girl named Trobes or a girl named Sally. DO NOT SCREW THAT ONE UP.

P.S.S.S. Vote for Gore in 2000. I know it might seem stupid now, but just do it.

P.S.S.S.S. Parachute pants make a HUGE comeback in 2002. Buy at least 10 – 15 pair.

Jesus as a child

No. It was my time.

Come back in twenty years and read this

Warning! This is neither exciting nor funny right now. Please wait until 2027 to come back and read this. Thank you.

Oh my God! 7 Terabytes for $12,399! Were they living in caves back then? And what company was Apple??

Please say it ain't so

I was doing a Google search (don't ask for what) when I came across the picture above. I thought it was a pretty funny Hello-Kitty-pink photoshop job so I did a search for the title of the comic book just to make sure it was fake.

It's not.

Here's the publisher's summary from Wookiepedia.

She's a Princess with a fiery spirit and a hot temper to match. He's a scoundrel with a mercenary's sensibility and the heart of a hero. Together they help topple an Empire and restore order to the galaxy…And if they stop fighting long enough, they just might realize that they're in love! Set during the days leading up to The Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo and Princess Leia find themselves trapped together on a downed starship, lost in the frozen wastelands of Hoth as a storm rages around them. And while the snow flies outside the ship, the sparks fly inside. No matter how hard they fight it, there's more going on between them than just friendship!

I can only hope that the last frame of the comic is "Han shot first."

The difference between Men and Women

MEN

WOMEN

College pregnancy

Adam Huges shows off Bond's 755 homer ball

Adam Hughes, 33, of San Diego talks about catching San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds 755th home run ball against the San Diego Padres after their Major League Baseball in San Diego, Saturday, Aug. 4, 2007. With the hit, Bonds caught Hank Aaron and tied the career home run record. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

99% Safe or is it 1% Unsafe?

A recent article from MSNBC has China’s Bo Xilai, commerce minister, quoted as saying that "over 99 per cent of China's export products are good and safe".

Yea!

Unless you look at it as 1% of their exports are unsafe.

China exported about $974 billion worth of goods and materials in 2006. The United States receives about 21.4% of those exports. If 1% of those exports are unsafe, that means that $2.06 billion dollars worth of imports are for shit. Even if, as he said, more than 99% are safe, you are still talking around $1 billion dollars worth of unsafe crap.

I’m in the process now of sending my kid’s Thomas the Train cars back to the manufacturer.


Note the chew marks on the caboose.

When I worked at a retail installation company, we dealt with a lot of imports from China. It seemed like the quality was decent, but there were always little problems such as poor welds or holes that weren’t drilled out completely. I, like anyone else with 4th grade math skills, understand the business mentality of savings. A big retailer was planning a rollout of 1,000+ stores. Slightly better quality wire shelving in the States was only $12.50 higher per unit. There were sixty units to be installed per store so by going with China, they saved $750,000. Which route would you go? Now, if you find yourself buried under a poorly fabricated shelving unit, you might think differently. All I had to do was listen to the installers bitching all day about “Chinese crap.”

I think what Bo Xilai should have said was that 100% of all exports are safe and then back it up by saying that in China they round up to the closest 100.

The New(s) Pavlov's Dog

Stickman Sex Change

What if Jesus was a woman?

Chief Justice Roberts Gets a Visitor

Not Everything Dad Said was True

My father is a smart guy. He’s an engineer and chock full stories that I always took as the gospel truth. While I look back fondly on those endless conversations, it turns out that some of the stories that I took as if from the mouth of God, were wrong. Let’s see what dad said and how it stacks up to the facts.

Here’s what Dad said:

Out of every five miles of interstate, there will be at least one mile that is straight so that planes can land during war time.
Answer: false

Dad said that Eisenhower, being a war guy, had the foresight to see the need for planes landing in out of the way places or in an emergency. Sadly, this is just an urban legend .

The military got fiber optic technology off the ground
Answer: not really
Dad said nuclear bombs create Electro Magnetic Pulses which knock out electronic circuits. Fiber optics were developed by the military to communicate with their nuclear missiles so that even if we got hit first, our missiles would still be able to be launched. The only thing I found on this was that “In 1975, the United States Government decided to link the computers in the NORAD headquarters at Cheyenne Mountain using fiber optics to reduce interference.” So, yes he’s right, but fiber optics had many other possible uses and researchers working on it way before 1975. Though I’m sure having the military throw almost endless money at a technology can’t hurt.

You can never get all the oil out of an oil can
Answer: partially true
With enough time and patients, you could get every last drop of oil out of a can. I believe dad’s lesson was to know when to balance time against money. At some point, you begin to lose the value of using all the oil in the can as you endlessly watch that spider web thin stream of oil flow out. More advice than fact, but I’ll give him credit.

During World War 2, The Japanese soldiers were awful bastards
Answer: true
True in as much as you can call an entire group of people awful bastards. As a child, I was familiar with Japanese culture only through Godzilla and samurais. Dad would speak at length of the atrocities that were committed to POWs and especially the Chinese. I didn’t really believe him. Turns out he was right. But, as he also said, we bombed them back into civility.

We bombed the Japanese back into civility
Answer: kinda true
But only by anecdotal evidence. Article 9 of the 1947 US enforced Japanese Constitution did not allow them to build the armies capable of waging war. Through nuclear bombs, we also allowed the creation of Godzilla which protects their sovereign shores.

Glass is a solid
Answer: true!!
I remember seeing old panes of glass that were thicker on the bottom that at the top. Someone told be that is because glass is a very thick liquid and over time it will flow due to the pull of gravity. Dad said that was nonsense. He was right.

The flag raisers on Iwo Jima were all American Indians
Answer: 5/6th false or 1/6th true
Ira Hayes was the only Native American that helped to raise the flag in the historic photo. Now dad also said that the historic photo was actually the second flag to go up. The first was taken down and replaced with a larger flag. He was right about that!

Bridges over interstates are built to an exact height so that ICMBs on the back of tractor trailers can fit underneath
Answer: 99% right and 1% undecided
I thought that dad was blowing some smoke here, but he was right. My assumption is that the bridges would be built to a certain height and then the military would figure out a way to go under them. I just read on the Federal Highway Administration site that all interstate bridges need to be 16.07 feet tall in coordination with the Department of Defense. Matt Rosenburg at about.com says differently and I contacted him with a very terse letter that went something like this: MY DAD IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG!!! My dad could so kick his dad's ass.

There once was a diet pill where you would eat a tapeworm to lose weight
Answer: Undetermined

Want to lose weight? Take this pill. Want to stop losing weight? Take the second pill. Dad said the first pill had a tapeworm in it. The second pill had the medicine to kill the tapeworm in it. Here what Snopes.com has to say about it.






















Henry Ford used shipping crates to build his Model T
Answer: true??
Dad said that Henry Ford would have his suppliers ship him product in crates with very specific dimensions. Odd dimensions with holes and cut outs in odd places. The directions were very specific and contractors, not wanting to lose business, built the crates without question. Then at the Ford factory, these specialty designed crates were emptied of their contents, disassembled and installed into Model Ts as floorboards. I’ve seen anecdotal evidence of this, but not any proof. I’ll give Pa this one.

Overall, Dad did pretty good. I’m sure he’d argue that he was right on most of these or that I wasn’t listening to what he really said. Then the conversation would drift to the Korean War and where he got that rash from deep in the jungle.

After Death Chart UPDATED!

Ann and Doug at the Newport Aquarium

It's not really that Ann is so beautiful. It's just that she makes all other children look ugly.

TSA: Newest Security Warning

Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca

Dear HolyJuan,

Just what the heck is tapioca?

Sincerely,

Puddin'


Dear Puddin’,

I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”

I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”

This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.

The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.

Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!

I hope this answers your question!

Signed,

HolyJuan

{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}

Where's the fire?

Odds

People You Should Not F*ck With

I know there are obvious people you should not fuck with; Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, ninjas, drunken pirates. This is a lesser known list of people you just should not mess with.

Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.

People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.

Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.

Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!

Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.

Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.

Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)

People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.

People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.

INTERVIEW DAY

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$6,744 in electronics and a what?

I read this in the Wednesday 18th, 2007 Westerville News and Public Opinion paper. I'm sure the lettuce was all part of his master plan.

Ann likes it when Greg hits the ball

Al Qaeda Organizational Chart (revised since the #2 guy was captured)

Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem

Dear HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!

My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.

Can you help?

Signed,

Air of Unhappiness

Dear Air,

My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.

Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!

I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.

BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.

Best of Luck!

Signed,

HolyJuan

{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}

New White House Press Room

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