My Wife Magazined Me

Miss Sally gave Greg his bath last night as I finished painting the living room. (It was an awful red that only looked good in photos.) Usually I give Greg his bath and afterwards we watch 15 minutes of cartoons as he dries off. We then revert back to the normal bedtime routine. The good thing about “routines” is that they create expectations and get a child to sleep with limited wrangling. The bad thing about routines is if you stray from them, the schedully unrestrained child will most likely tumble out of control.

Miss Sally was not aware of Greg’s bath night routine of cartoon watching and she ended up wrangling him for an additional thirty minutes after the twenty minutes of arguing and figuring out where the train left the track.

Later on in the kitchen, Sally suggested that we need to get Greg on a standardized routine or share with each other what the routines are. I agreed. She also then mentioned that it would be nice if we could get out of the house and go on a date. I thought these were both great suggestions and I realized that we just had a conversation that was suitable for Dr. Phil. Wow. Communication. Sharing. What a great marriage!!

The next morning, still glowing from our conversation the night before, I gave Ann her bottle and was making ACTUAL PANCAKES ON THE STOVE . It was during this time that I flipped aimlessly through Real Simple Family magazine that had been sitting on the counter. My eyes glanced over an article about “Sticky Situations” with bottle of glue icons to rate the level of stickiness.

That’s when I saw this one:


Coincidence? I think NOT! I'd been magazined. My wife had read something in a magazine and tried to covertly implement it into our life.

I circled it with pink highlighter and left it open on the counter. Miss Sally came down a few minutes later and I said, “Look what we have here…” and pointed to the magazine.

She read the quip and shrugged slightly. I accused, “This is almost word for word what you said last night. And this article suggests I lie on the couch all the time.”

She denied it. Yes, she had read that article, but in no way shape or form was she attempting to article verbatim our relationship. And she was not accusing me of laziness as I am always putting Greg to bed. The routine suggestion was just that and the date night comment was just that as well.

Still… I’m sure it was possibly a subconscious train of thought to go from Greg’s routine to date night. Miss Sally would never magazine me.

I wish the article would have been from Cosmopolitan magazine and been titled “Ten Sex Cravings All Guys Have” with boobs for rating icons. Maybe I should get the highlighter out.

American Version of Roundabout Navagation

For the American Tourist... see original article here.

Weapons of Mass Destruction FOUND!

Chris, the ever astute Neo-conservative has been searching for the Weapons of Mass Destruction for the past four years non-stop.

Who knew this whole time they right under his nose.

He sent me this photographic proof



Good job, Freedom Fighter!!

In Case of Last Minute Art Project - Break Glass

Why average girls don't get laid

{Author's note: I have been besieged with e-mails asking me about this cartoon. Many do not get it because either I am too smart or I am an idiot. I'm sure many of you know which is correct. I drew this after reading an article about averages and how people can get them confused with medians. Basically what I am trying to say is that the "average" girl might turn out to be 0.5. And who wants to hook up with 50% of a girl?}

Job (Part 17)

Got a job.

I think this one will stick. No dead bodies.

Well, one.

And the seven dead fetuses.

And the box of ashes.

But I think that's it.

Jesus as a child: Jesus is IN

A letter to myself 20 years ago

We all have made decisions that we regret. Sometimes we wish we could go back and change everything. I’ve tried sending a message to my future self with mixed results. I think my next option is to send a letter to myself twenty years ago. The way you do that is write a letter, address it to yourself and then hope someday scientists figure out a way to send mail back in time. The cost should be low because postage was cheaper back then.

My letter to me twenty years ago would go a little like this:

Dear Doug,

Hi. This is you writing to yourself twenty years in the future. I’ve come to tell you about… How do you know it’s really you? Well, I’m the only one that knows that you once were masturbating in the laundry room and when mom came down stairs you had to hide silently in the corner for ten minutes with your pants down while she finished switching loads. Good enough?

So, I’ve come to tell you about… yes, you still have hair. Thinning, but it is still there. And you get fat. I’m waiting for the letter from my future me suggesting I start losing weight.

So allow me to say… no, disco is still dead. And don’t buy more than 4 flannel shirts in the next 3 or 4 years. You think you will need more, but they will look better the grungier they get.

Here’s the deal. In the future, you are going to make several mistakes. Some of them embarrassing. Some of them life changing. You are going to miss out on some wonderful opportunities and kick yourself for not choosing the other path. You are going to see some horrific things and your heart is going to be broken by beautiful women and people you should not have trusted.

The one most important thing you should know is this: don’t change a thing.

Everything you have done has led you to where I am now. At the time, you made decisions based on what you knew and they may not have been the best choices, but they were your choices. We both know that we do not believe in fate, but I do not what to screw up where I am now based on making you re-think or doubt your decisions.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to believe in yourself. I do.

Take care buddy.

Love,

Doug

P.S. Buy Google stock at $85

P.S.S. In 1994 you have the choice of going home with a girl named Trobes or a girl named Sally. DO NOT SCREW THAT ONE UP.

P.S.S.S. Vote for Gore in 2000. I know it might seem stupid now, but just do it.

P.S.S.S.S. Parachute pants make a HUGE comeback in 2002. Buy at least 10 – 15 pair.

Jesus as a child

No. It was my time.

Come back in twenty years and read this

Warning! This is neither exciting nor funny right now. Please wait until 2027 to come back and read this. Thank you.

Oh my God! 7 Terabytes for $12,399! Were they living in caves back then? And what company was Apple??

Please say it ain't so

I was doing a Google search (don't ask for what) when I came across the picture above. I thought it was a pretty funny Hello-Kitty-pink photoshop job so I did a search for the title of the comic book just to make sure it was fake.

It's not.

Here's the publisher's summary from Wookiepedia.

She's a Princess with a fiery spirit and a hot temper to match. He's a scoundrel with a mercenary's sensibility and the heart of a hero. Together they help topple an Empire and restore order to the galaxy…And if they stop fighting long enough, they just might realize that they're in love! Set during the days leading up to The Empire Strikes Back, Han Solo and Princess Leia find themselves trapped together on a downed starship, lost in the frozen wastelands of Hoth as a storm rages around them. And while the snow flies outside the ship, the sparks fly inside. No matter how hard they fight it, there's more going on between them than just friendship!

I can only hope that the last frame of the comic is "Han shot first."

The difference between Men and Women

MEN

WOMEN

College pregnancy

Adam Huges shows off Bond's 755 homer ball

Adam Hughes, 33, of San Diego talks about catching San Francisco Giants Barry Bonds 755th home run ball against the San Diego Padres after their Major League Baseball in San Diego, Saturday, Aug. 4, 2007. With the hit, Bonds caught Hank Aaron and tied the career home run record. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

99% Safe or is it 1% Unsafe?

A recent article from MSNBC has China’s Bo Xilai, commerce minister, quoted as saying that "over 99 per cent of China's export products are good and safe".

Yea!

Unless you look at it as 1% of their exports are unsafe.

China exported about $974 billion worth of goods and materials in 2006. The United States receives about 21.4% of those exports. If 1% of those exports are unsafe, that means that $2.06 billion dollars worth of imports are for shit. Even if, as he said, more than 99% are safe, you are still talking around $1 billion dollars worth of unsafe crap.

I’m in the process now of sending my kid’s Thomas the Train cars back to the manufacturer.


Note the chew marks on the caboose.

When I worked at a retail installation company, we dealt with a lot of imports from China. It seemed like the quality was decent, but there were always little problems such as poor welds or holes that weren’t drilled out completely. I, like anyone else with 4th grade math skills, understand the business mentality of savings. A big retailer was planning a rollout of 1,000+ stores. Slightly better quality wire shelving in the States was only $12.50 higher per unit. There were sixty units to be installed per store so by going with China, they saved $750,000. Which route would you go? Now, if you find yourself buried under a poorly fabricated shelving unit, you might think differently. All I had to do was listen to the installers bitching all day about “Chinese crap.”

I think what Bo Xilai should have said was that 100% of all exports are safe and then back it up by saying that in China they round up to the closest 100.

The New(s) Pavlov's Dog

Stickman Sex Change

What if Jesus was a woman?

Chief Justice Roberts Gets a Visitor

Not Everything Dad Said was True

My father is a smart guy. He’s an engineer and chock full stories that I always took as the gospel truth. While I look back fondly on those endless conversations, it turns out that some of the stories that I took as if from the mouth of God, were wrong. Let’s see what dad said and how it stacks up to the facts.

Here’s what Dad said:

Out of every five miles of interstate, there will be at least one mile that is straight so that planes can land during war time.
Answer: false

Dad said that Eisenhower, being a war guy, had the foresight to see the need for planes landing in out of the way places or in an emergency. Sadly, this is just an urban legend .

The military got fiber optic technology off the ground
Answer: not really
Dad said nuclear bombs create Electro Magnetic Pulses which knock out electronic circuits. Fiber optics were developed by the military to communicate with their nuclear missiles so that even if we got hit first, our missiles would still be able to be launched. The only thing I found on this was that “In 1975, the United States Government decided to link the computers in the NORAD headquarters at Cheyenne Mountain using fiber optics to reduce interference.” So, yes he’s right, but fiber optics had many other possible uses and researchers working on it way before 1975. Though I’m sure having the military throw almost endless money at a technology can’t hurt.

You can never get all the oil out of an oil can
Answer: partially true
With enough time and patients, you could get every last drop of oil out of a can. I believe dad’s lesson was to know when to balance time against money. At some point, you begin to lose the value of using all the oil in the can as you endlessly watch that spider web thin stream of oil flow out. More advice than fact, but I’ll give him credit.

During World War 2, The Japanese soldiers were awful bastards
Answer: true
True in as much as you can call an entire group of people awful bastards. As a child, I was familiar with Japanese culture only through Godzilla and samurais. Dad would speak at length of the atrocities that were committed to POWs and especially the Chinese. I didn’t really believe him. Turns out he was right. But, as he also said, we bombed them back into civility.

We bombed the Japanese back into civility
Answer: kinda true
But only by anecdotal evidence. Article 9 of the 1947 US enforced Japanese Constitution did not allow them to build the armies capable of waging war. Through nuclear bombs, we also allowed the creation of Godzilla which protects their sovereign shores.

Glass is a solid
Answer: true!!
I remember seeing old panes of glass that were thicker on the bottom that at the top. Someone told be that is because glass is a very thick liquid and over time it will flow due to the pull of gravity. Dad said that was nonsense. He was right.

The flag raisers on Iwo Jima were all American Indians
Answer: 5/6th false or 1/6th true
Ira Hayes was the only Native American that helped to raise the flag in the historic photo. Now dad also said that the historic photo was actually the second flag to go up. The first was taken down and replaced with a larger flag. He was right about that!

Bridges over interstates are built to an exact height so that ICMBs on the back of tractor trailers can fit underneath
Answer: 99% right and 1% undecided
I thought that dad was blowing some smoke here, but he was right. My assumption is that the bridges would be built to a certain height and then the military would figure out a way to go under them. I just read on the Federal Highway Administration site that all interstate bridges need to be 16.07 feet tall in coordination with the Department of Defense. Matt Rosenburg at about.com says differently and I contacted him with a very terse letter that went something like this: MY DAD IS RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG!!! My dad could so kick his dad's ass.

There once was a diet pill where you would eat a tapeworm to lose weight
Answer: Undetermined

Want to lose weight? Take this pill. Want to stop losing weight? Take the second pill. Dad said the first pill had a tapeworm in it. The second pill had the medicine to kill the tapeworm in it. Here what Snopes.com has to say about it.






















Henry Ford used shipping crates to build his Model T
Answer: true??
Dad said that Henry Ford would have his suppliers ship him product in crates with very specific dimensions. Odd dimensions with holes and cut outs in odd places. The directions were very specific and contractors, not wanting to lose business, built the crates without question. Then at the Ford factory, these specialty designed crates were emptied of their contents, disassembled and installed into Model Ts as floorboards. I’ve seen anecdotal evidence of this, but not any proof. I’ll give Pa this one.

Overall, Dad did pretty good. I’m sure he’d argue that he was right on most of these or that I wasn’t listening to what he really said. Then the conversation would drift to the Korean War and where he got that rash from deep in the jungle.

After Death Chart UPDATED!

Ann and Doug at the Newport Aquarium

It's not really that Ann is so beautiful. It's just that she makes all other children look ugly.

TSA: Newest Security Warning

Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca

Dear HolyJuan,

Just what the heck is tapioca?

Sincerely,

Puddin'


Dear Puddin’,

I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”

I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”

This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.

The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.

Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!

I hope this answers your question!

Signed,

HolyJuan

{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}

Where's the fire?

Odds

People You Should Not F*ck With

I know there are obvious people you should not fuck with; Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, ninjas, drunken pirates. This is a lesser known list of people you just should not mess with.

Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.

People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.

Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.

Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!

Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.

Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.

Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)

People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.

People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.

INTERVIEW DAY

Click to enlarge

$6,744 in electronics and a what?

I read this in the Wednesday 18th, 2007 Westerville News and Public Opinion paper. I'm sure the lettuce was all part of his master plan.

Ann likes it when Greg hits the ball

Al Qaeda Organizational Chart (revised since the #2 guy was captured)

Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem

Dear HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!

My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.

Can you help?

Signed,

Air of Unhappiness

Dear Air,

My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.

Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!

I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.

BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.

Best of Luck!

Signed,

HolyJuan

{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}

New White House Press Room

{CLICK TO ENLARGE}

Scientist Plans for Frozen Noah’s Ark

Source

Belgian scientist Dr. Mark Drascht believes the Earth is doomed. “Whether by global warming or cooling, nuclear terrorism or just plain stupidity, we are all going to be dead in the next 100 years.”

When the world is wiped clean, Dr. Drascht doesn’t want our history to be destroyed as well. Dr. Drascht is creating a time capsule, and it is not just your basic newspaper, deck of playing cards and Twinkies in a concrete box either. He’s creating a frozen, biological “life capsule,” so that future alien space explorers can find us and perhaps revive our species.

“It’s a kind of frozen Noah’s Ark. I’ve even included doves and an olive tree!”

Dr. Drascht has plans to collect over two hundred mammals and birds, sixty reptiles and six hundred plant species for his life capsule. “Timing is very important. We can only afford to make one trip to the South Pole, and the animals and plants must be frozen alive at the site. It’s one hell of a coordination feat.”

Using data from the past 200 years, Dr. Drascht has located a spot 100 miles from the South Pole that he believes will remain frozen for the next 10,000 years. “Plate tectonics in that area will continue to rotate around the pole. This exact spot will allow our specimens to remain at sub-zero temperatures for the next ten millennia. Basically, it is a maintenance-free freezer.”



Dr. Drascht will transport all the living biological specimens to Antarctica, where they will be flash frozen alive and placed into the life capsule. “We are actually going to use the animals and two human specimens to help dig the area necessary for the life capsule. We’ve been working on training the animals for the dig. We’ve modified elk horns and squirrels’ teeth to assist with digging in the rock hard ice. For the humans, we've procured a number of high-tech digging tools, including two highly-modified Garden Weasels (tm) originally designed for the military.”

There seems to be an endless supply of males who are willing to be flash frozen alive. Finding women who want to be frozen alive is a bit more difficult for Dr. Drascht. “I’ve received applications from two women. One was 75 years old, and the other woman was over 125 kilos (275 pounds.) We’d need to carve a larger hole in the ice for that type of specimen!”

The original plan for the life capsule has changed over the years, but Dr. Drascht is still hopeful. “We originally planned on separate ice caverns for each type of specimen, but the budget has deemed otherwise.” Dr. Drascht’s team will now dig just one hole or “life pit” and place all the specimens in one space. According to Drascht, the biggest challenge will be to quickly freeze the animal specimens before the carnivores eat the herbivores. "The plan is to ensure that all the predators are very well fed prior to being placed into the life pit. I’m considering feeding the animals with protein infused pages from a set of encyclopedias so the future autopsies will reveal a summation of Earth’s history."

One other hole will be used for the “Demise Database” equipment. Drascht is not looking to preserve technology, but rather to create an historical database, so that alien space travelers will know why the planet became devoid of life forms. “At the life pit, we are setting up a satellite internet connection and a printer. Once a week, we will download and print the contents of cnn.com and one random site, pornography excluded, so that we can have a hard copy of Earth’s demise.” There are obvious technological issues with electronics at the South Pole, but printing in sub-zero temperatures won’t be a problem. “We’ve mixed the printer ink with a jellyfish-based anti-freeze. It keeps the ink from freezing and really stretches out our ink inventory. That printer ink is expensive!”

Dr. Drascht is justifiably excited about the earth's imminent demise. "It's all too much, really. I just wish the dinosaurs had possessed brains bigger than peas so that they could have created life capsules to clue us in on their extinction."

Shrimp Attack! Re-release

I may be the second worst promoter ever.

Shrimp Attack! is going to be officially re-released some time this week. Or next week. At least I think it was going to be in July. Of 2007.

Read me writing about Shrimp Attack! here.

Check out Shrimp Attack! on here. at myspace.com/shrimpattackcd.

You can also hear the full album on last.fm .

And if you want to buy a limited edition CD that is bound to win a Grammy, check out innova Recordings.

Question and answer for Western Union

Question: What color is my car?

Answer: Blue

An easily digestible listing of the Rotten Tomatoes Top 100 Rated Science Fiction Films

I love the Rotten Tomatoes movie review website. They take a large number of movie reviews and cram them all in one spot. I highly suggest you check out their site.

They recently posted the Top 100 Rated Science Fiction Films. The problem with this list is that they used a complicated formula based on reviewer ratings to get the top 100. By reviewing the list, you’ll note that this system is flawed. The other problem is that the interface is clunky. To save time and more time, I’ve listed them out here.

100. Escape From the Planet of the Apes (1971)
99. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
98. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
97. The Thing (1982)
96. A Boy and His Dog (1975)
95. Dark Star (1974)
94. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
93. Dreamscape (1983)
92. It Came From Outer Space (1953)
91. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
90. Death Race 2000 (1975)
89. War of the Worlds (2005)
88. Flash Gordon (1980)
87. Return of the Jedi (1983)
86. Starman (1984)
85. Innerspace (1987)
84. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
83. Signs (2002)
82. Dark City (1998)
81. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
80. The War of the Worlds (1953)
79. Total Recall (1990)
78. Gattaca (1997)
77. Videodrome (1983)
76. X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes (1963)
75. The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)
74. Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959)
73. Alphaville (1965)
72. Seconds (1966)
71. Fahrenheit 451 (1966)
70. Time After Time (1979)
69. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
68. The Abyss (1989)
67. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
66. Escape from New York (1981)
65. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954
64. Pi (1997)
63. The Thing (1951)
62. Jurassic Park (1993)
61. Open Your Eyes (1997)
60. Robocop (1987)
59. Altered States (1980)
58. The Brother From Another Planet (1984)
57. Planet of the Apes (1968)
56. Westworld (1973)
55. Fantastic Voyage (1966)
54. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
53. They Live (1988)
52. Save The Green Planet! (2005)
51. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)
50. Things to Come (1936)
49. District B13 (2006)
48. Serenity (2005)
47. Donnie Darko (2001)
46. Delicatessen (1991)
45. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
44. 12 Monkeys (1995)
43. Re-Animator (1985)
42. 2046 (2005)
41. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
40. THX 1138 (1971)
39. The Fly (1986)
38. Time Bandits (1982)
37. Them! (1954)
36. Blade Runner (1982)
35. Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
34. Forbidden Planet (1956)
33. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
32. The Matrix (1999)
31. The Invisible Man (1933)
30. Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
29. Ghostbusters (1984)
28. Men in Black (1997)
27. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
26. Young Frankenstein (1974)
25. Gojira (1954)
24. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
23. Sleeper (1973)
22. Back to the Future (1985)
21. Repo Man (1984)
20. Mad Max (1979)
19. Frankenstein (1931)
18. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
17. Solaris (1972)
16. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
15. The Terminator (1984)
14. Brazil (1985)
13. Galaxy Quest (1999)
12. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
11. The Road Warrior (1981)
10. Aliens (1986)
9. Star Wars (1977)
8. The Host (2007)
7. Children of Men (2006)
6. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
5. Minority Report (2002)
4. Alien (1979)
3. Metropolis (1926)
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

At some point I will have to put these in the correct order. The Matrix in at 32nd? You've got to be kidding me.

Job

I got a job.

Thanks to everyone who helped and provided support by buying me drinks.

I'll be working Tue, Thur and Sat at Sirens in Columbus, OH. My stage name is Peaches.

10 things that no one really gives a crap about

What music that shuttle astronauts wake up to

Anything libertarians have an opinion about

Ending a sentence in a preposition

Spelling and grammar in the comments section

Hemp (no one really gives a crap about hemp, they just want marijuana legalized)

Salt (salt used to be as bad as cigarettes... what happened?)

Manners (that sucks, but again, no one cares that it sucks)

What your kid did that was cute/funny

People who smoke all their lives dying from cancer

Your Blog

Thank you Lia. Thank you Meshell.

Over a year ago Lia suggested I start this site. I thought she was nuts.

Soon after the site was up, she suggested I get business cards. I thought she was nuts.

Last night, as a complete surprise, Meshell gave me a box of the HolyJuan business cards we had been designing.

I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in a year!” Meshell said, “Wasn’t your baby girl born less than a year ago.”

I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in the past six months!”



You can print these up and hand them out to your friends and/or enemies.

The B & B

I didn’t have a lot of sex in college. Most of my friends think I did. My MO was to hook up, make out for a while and stick around third base without trying to steal home. That was actually my selling point. After about an hour at the bar of “I think I like you” and the next hour of “I think you like me” and about an hour before “I think we should get out of here” I would drop the, “I don’t think we should have sex” line. I think it opened a lot of doors. And pantses.

Telling a girl that you don't want to have sex takes away the pressure and anxiety. It allows you to have fun and know that you all ready have some pre-determined boundaries that don't need to be discussed. When the anxiety and pressure are off, the girl will be relaxed and then hopefully have sex with you.

Of course, telling a girl you don’t want to have sex and then having her want sex removes all guilt (if any) associated with the act. If you say you don’t wanna, but then you do because she wanna, it’s not your fault. It’s not. Really.

My very good friend, Handsome Joe, had a theory about hooking up. Less of a theory and more of a goal. He called it “The Bed and Breakfast.” Any dude can hook up; leave a sock lost somewhere in bed and do the walk of shame home. It’s genetic and it’s easy. Getting the girl to make you breakfast, now that was classy. You couldn’t ask for breakfast either. She had to suggest it. She had to make it. Cold cereal in the living room would get you in the club. Bacon and eggs was golden. Going out for breakfast didn’t count, but it did if she made you a pop tart and shoved you out the door. The Bed and Breakfast. The B & B.

There were several offshoots from the B & B. Joe had a B, B & B when he stayed at the girl’s apartment through an early lunch (The Bed, Breakfast and Brunch.) I once had the B & B with Grocery after I spent the night at a girl’s apartment during finals before winter break. We made out (the not having sex line stuck) and the next morning she made me eggs. She then asked if I wanted any food from her refrigerator as her finals were up and she was heading home. All that food would go to waste. Would I like to take it home? Of course I would. The B & B Grocery.

One fine spring evening at Ohio University, Handsome Joe and I went out to the bars. While having a few beers, a young lady that Joe knew came up and started talking to us. Joe quickly disappeared to the back of the crowded bar with her (The Good Cop always gets the first girl) and I was left mostly alone. As it turned out, my friend Greg was sitting up at the bar. This was a good sign. Greg and I were friends from high school, but we never saw each other out much at Ohio University. It was a good sign because the other two times I saw Greg out at the bars, I hooked up soon afterwards. I’d cut his foot off and wear it around my neck if it weren’t so big. And I guess it would be pretty bloody and stumpy, too.

As Greg and I drank at the bar, Trobes showed up. Trobes was 6’0” of long blonde hair and German ancestry. Trobes kinda liked me. I kinda liked Trobes. We had hooked up in the past (no breakfast yet.) As she sat in my lap at the bar (which was an odd combination of pleasure and boner crushing pain) she told Greg the 2nd greatest compliment I’ve ever received.

“Doug is the best necker in the world.” Wow. Honestly, I consider that a great compliment.

Several drinks afterwards, we left the bar. I had not seen Joe since he walked off and he could take care of himself. I asked Trobes if I could walk her home. She said yes. We walked back to her apartment.

Neither of Trobes' two roommates were home. We went to her bedroom.

{I need to note here that Trobes had a king sized bed. It took up most the room and shit it was big. I think she had an automatic sheet dispenser under the end because you could pull and pull at the sheets and they would just keep coming and coming.}

As we were making out, we heard one of Trobes’ roommates come in. Alone. A few minutes later her other roommate came home. Not so alone. They hung out in the kitchen for a few minutes and then retired to the room next door.

The making of the out continued and my Jedi mind trick about not wanting to have sex worked too well. Oh well… we had fun. I guess that’s what you get for being the best necker.

The next morning we woke up and chatted as we lounged around on the Eastern Plains of her bed. We could hear the lucky roommate chatting with her man. I did the “Shave and a Hair Cut” knock on the wall. They replied with a punctual “knock, knock.” Here is where you learn that I have a distinctive laugh. One that can be heard through a wall. One that Handsome Joe knows well. I laughed. The guy from the other side of the wall said, “Doug?”

“Joe?”

A minute later we were mostly dressed (where was my sock?) and all in the roommate’s room laughing and figuring out what happened the previous night. At some point, the roommate asked, “Do you guys want breakfast?”

Eggs. Bacon. Pancakes. The Bed Bed & Breakfast Breakfast. Or the Double B & B as it’s known in some circles. We couldn’t stop grinning as we sat, scrunched at the small round table in their kitchen, fork and knife in hand. Waiting. Watching the girls’ backs as they cooked at the stove.

*******

Open up any phone book to the yellow pages and you’ll see some sort of B & B business. Usually it’s a B and B Lawn Service or a B & B Auto Repair Shop. While you are driving around the city or through some small town, you’ll see the B & B on a slick, produced graphic or hand painted sign. It always takes me back.

The Powers that Be

Doug, Jen, Andy and Dave.

Juliano stuck her head into the photo. At first we were pissed. Now I think we are glad she did.

My American Accent

What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Midland ("Midland" is not necessarily the same thing as "Midwest") The default, lowest-common-denominator American accent that newscasters try to imitate. Since it's a neutral accent, just because you have a Midland accent doesn't mean you're from the Midland.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

See, I've got the voice to be a weatherman. Now I just need to git learned about rain and such.

Great parking job!!

This photo was taken on my cell phone in my office parking lot.

The World's Worst Haiku

No toilet paper
Used a wad of hair from trash
The Aristocrats!

Scanner up and running

I got the scanner up and running!

Sadly, I cannot get my anything funny up and running. This is the best it is going to get today.

Paris Hilton baby photo

Computer Woes

In the midst of job searching and writing and attempting to become famous, my computer has crashed pretty damn hard.

I bought a new hard drive and reinstalled XP while attempting to bring the old drive back to life. I've got the old files, but can't get the HD to boot. I'm guessing my programs are toast.

Service pack 2 is 112 megs? Damn...

Using World of Warcraft in your job interview

[Click to enlarge]

New Club

Famous Chicks I Get to Bang List (Updated)

I think it was a Friends episode where Ross had a list of famous women he was given permission by his spouse/fiancé to sleep with given the unlikely opportunity.

Well heck. As it turns out there is a name for it: A Laminated List . It seems quite popular.

Well, my list only has three and it is not laminated, so it is subject to change. My previous list was:

Christina Ricci
Leelee Sobieski
Melissa Joan Hart

I am officially updating the list to reflect the following:

Ricci stays at the top
LeeLee moves into the third spot
Ms. Hart is off the list
Sarah Silverman moves into the second spot

Given that the list doesn’t have any particular order, I realized that it actually does. In the off chance that I seduce both Sarah Silverman and Christina Ricci at the same after party, I’m going to have to choose one or the other as the list does not allow for threesomes. In this situation, I would consult the list, note the order, bang Ricci as I smile politely shrug to Sarah Silverman.

The key is to keep the old lists with the new, just in case you see your past listees on the set of a B-list reality show. I think I still have the original, yellowed hand printed list with:

Alyssa Milano
The Little Mermaid
Molly Ringwald

Paris Hilton: Judge's Orders with hand written comments

CLICK TO ENLARGE

The Power (and cost) of Soup

Well crap.

Last year at this time, Meshell and I were talking about me publishing a children’s book. She had an illustration called The Power of Soup and I wrote a story about it with the same title.

I also registered www.thepowerofsoup.com. With all the money that was going to be coming my way, I thought it was prudent.

I made only one (failed) attempt at getting the story published and gave up.

I received three or four e-mails about the site subscription coming to an end. Each one a reminder that I was a lazy fuck. I just wanted it to die.

Well it didn’t…

Dear Douglas,
Customer Number: 7574832312

We just want to let you know we've automatically renewed the following items according to our agreement:
Product Name Unit Price Qty Total Price
------------ ---------- --- -----------
.COM Domain Name Renewal - 1 Year $ 8.95 1 $ 9.17
THEPOWEROFSOUP.COM

The automatic renewal was on. Crap.

So, for someone who does not believe in fate, I am going to make the best of this. I’ll re-write and re-submit.

Maybe we will look back at this and laugh. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Egotistical Bastard

As of 9:07 on 6/7/07, I am the number one search return for the phrase Egotistical Bastard on Google.

Egotistical Bastard

Finally... some respect.

Unemployed stuff to do list

419 Scambaiting – Part 4 {UPDATED 6-6-07}

{Author's note: This is update number four to the continuing correspondence between a scam artist and our friend, Frank Stein. Check out http://www.419eater.com/ for some other great examples of scambaiting.}

A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.

Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.

Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.

Here is our continuing correspondence.

The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}

From: jfreemann009@hotmail.com
Subject: PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp

Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
{THREE PARAGRAPHS DELETED… SAME OLD CRAP}
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded. www.diplomaticdeliveryservices.net

Thanks,

Mr. John Freeman

NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM
To: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp

Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond

Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.

I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.

Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.

You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello John,

Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?

As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.

Join me in prayer:

Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.

Praise God,

Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,

If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Freeman,

The Lord frowns upon you this day.

A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.

Beware God's wrath if you are lying!

God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!

Pray with me:

Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.

In your loving name,

Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with

Hello Frank,

Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.

As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.

Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.

Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello John,

'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31

I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.

'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22

Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?

'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell

Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.

Frank (please call me by my first name.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter

Hello Frank,

I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.

Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.

I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,

Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!

When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.

I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!

God Bless!

Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,

How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.

Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.

If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brother John,

Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...

Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:

Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.

I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.

Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.

I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.

Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,

Frank Stein



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello Frank,

Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.

Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.

Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greetings Brother John,

Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.

Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}

Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.

I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.

Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.

In God be praised,

Frank

--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged

Hello Frank,

I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.

Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536

{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}

{This photo file was named A PHOTO OF THE MONEY BEFORE IT WAS HANDED OVER TO THE DIPLOMAT FOR SAFE KEEPING}



{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,

May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.

You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!

So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.

You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?

Pray with me now:

Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.

Amen.

Signed,

Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)

PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today

Hello Frank,

I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.

I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,

Today is a bad day to call.

I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.

Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!

Dear Lord,

Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.

Amen.

Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.

I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!

In my loving arms,

Frank Stein

--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------

{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}

God frowns upon you this day my friend.

You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.

Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.

Pray with me:

Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.

Amen


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project

Hello Frank,

I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.

I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.

I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Brother Freeman,

I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.

I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!

Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.

Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.

Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.

Amen and Praise Jesus!!!

Signed,

Frank Stein

PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.

--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------


Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.

Hello Frank,

I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.

You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.

I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.

Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hello John Freeman,

I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.

The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.

I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!

I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.

I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.

Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.

Please pray with me,

Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!

Amen

Signed,
Frank Stein

Al Muhafa's Bomb Supplies