It's not really that Ann is so beautiful. It's just that she makes all other children look ugly.
Ann and Doug at the Newport Aquarium
It's not really that Ann is so beautiful. It's just that she makes all other children look ugly.
Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca
Dear HolyJuan,
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
People You Should Not F*ck With
I know there are obvious people you should not fuck with; Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris, ninjas, drunken pirates. This is a lesser known list of people you just should not mess with.
Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.
People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.
Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.
Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!
Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.
Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.
Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)
People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.
People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.
Computer Guys
Even the most basic form of Computer Guy can really screw up your life. A vengeful IT guy can delete programs, change settings, reset passwords or just take his sweet ass time getting to your simple problem that you can’t fix because you do not have the administrative rights. Of course, the reason why IT guy is pissed at you is because YOU screwed something up in the first place.
People with Unibrows
Through intensive study at bars and truckstops, I have found that unibrowed persons are very angry and only need just the slightest excuse to kick your ass. Perhaps it is because of the excessive hair that they are upset. Maybe all that anger needs an outlet and it is expelled from the body in the form of eye hair in the peak of the nose area. I don’t know. I just know that when someone with a unibrow starts raising his (or her) voice, I either do what they say or leave as quickly as possible. For example, Frank Zappa had a unibrow. Don’t piss off Frank Zappa. Even from the grave that guy will kick your ass.
Pacifists
DO NOT FUCK WITH PACIFISTS. I’m telling you this now in all honesty. Let them protest. Let them carry signs. Let them have a sit-in in your lobby. You would think by their very nature that they abhor violence. Think again. Pacifists will let you push them down a couple of times. They will turn the other cheek once or twice. But once you push them over the line, they will attack you with violence most vicious. Shit, even Jesus when all ballistic in the Temple. This is especially true with Vegans and Environmentalists. If you shove a grass eating tree hugger one too many times, you might wake up in the morning with shrapnel from your exploded SUV in your ass and some chick with long, unwashed hair beating you with a fence post.
Husbands
I am a husband and I would assume that I would get very violent if you fucked with me. The way you fuck with me is by causing harm to my kids or sleeping with my wife. Most husbands do not blame their wife (or themselves) for the infidelity and move right along to the “other guy” for an ass whooping. If you are going to sleep with another guy’s wife, make sure you sleep with a big muscle bound guy’s wife. He’ll just beat you up once. If you mess around with a skinny guy’s wife, he knows that he cannot kick your ass and will shoot you with a gun. If he is a skinny Computer Guy, watch out!
Morning Radio People
I have experience with this one. Morning Radio people control the volume. If they don’t like what you are saying, they will turn it down and then call you an asshole. Long after you have hung up the phone with them, they can talk about your impotency and body odor to their audience and you cannot defend yourself. Bastards.
Scientologists
People who believe in an invisible, vengeful guy in the sky can be pretty kooky. People who believe that sad aliens are stuck in your body and to get you happy they want you to hook yourself up to a battery charger, give them money, recruit more people through the battery charger to give them more money so that the invisible, vengeful guy in the sky will be happy are completely whacked out... and rich! Rich, whacked out people will do anything to keep you from taking away their income source. DO NOT PISS OFF SCIENTOLOGISTS.
Libertarians
Libertarians are like pacifists with better political views. The reason you shouldn’t mess with them is not because they will beat you up, but rather they will attempt to get you to believe in their point of view. This is worst than a beating. I have written several articles on many different subjects and pissed many people off. The only people to e-mail me have been Libertarians. Unless you want to get involved in a conversation that you won’t want to win, leave them alone. You may think it is cool to talk to someone about the legalization of drugs, but then they start dropping the no government line, giving hand jobs to Friedman and getting rid of NASA jive and you are stuck. (Please send all comments and correction via e-mail to holyjuan@gmail.com)
People Who Ask You to Come Over and Talk to Them
If you are at a bar or on the street and someone from a distance calls you over to talk to them, don’t. Walk away as quickly as possible. This is a trap. If you cannot leave, just say that you can hear them fine from where they are sitting. At the first opportunity, fake a cell phone call or a groin pull and get out, even if you have to leave behind the chick you are on a date with. She’s probably the reason why the guy wants to talk to you in the first place.
People Who Are Upset You Didn’t Come Over and Talk to Them When They Asked The First Time
(See above.) Ok, so you didn’t go over and talk to the guy, you didn’t leave and you didn’t fake a groin pull. Now you have made the guy get up and walk over to you. THIS IS NOT AN ADVANTAGE. While you are getting the beat down from him and his posse that have magically appeared out of the aether, think about becoming a married, pacifist, computer guy so that next time you’ll be able to defend yourself.
$6,744 in electronics and a what?
I read this in the Wednesday 18th, 2007 Westerville News and Public Opinion paper. I'm sure the lettuce was all part of his master plan.
Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem
Dear HolyJuan,
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
Scientist Plans for Frozen Noah’s Ark
Source
Belgian scientist Dr. Mark Drascht believes the Earth is doomed. “Whether by global warming or cooling, nuclear terrorism or just plain stupidity, we are all going to be dead in the next 100 years.”
When the world is wiped clean, Dr. Drascht doesn’t want our history to be destroyed as well. Dr. Drascht is creating a time capsule, and it is not just your basic newspaper, deck of playing cards and Twinkies in a concrete box either. He’s creating a frozen, biological “life capsule,” so that future alien space explorers can find us and perhaps revive our species.
“It’s a kind of frozen Noah’s Ark. I’ve even included doves and an olive tree!”
Dr. Drascht has plans to collect over two hundred mammals and birds, sixty reptiles and six hundred plant species for his life capsule. “Timing is very important. We can only afford to make one trip to the South Pole, and the animals and plants must be frozen alive at the site. It’s one hell of a coordination feat.”
Using data from the past 200 years, Dr. Drascht has located a spot 100 miles from the South Pole that he believes will remain frozen for the next 10,000 years. “Plate tectonics in that area will continue to rotate around the pole. This exact spot will allow our specimens to remain at sub-zero temperatures for the next ten millennia. Basically, it is a maintenance-free freezer.”
Dr. Drascht will transport all the living biological specimens to Antarctica, where they will be flash frozen alive and placed into the life capsule. “We are actually going to use the animals and two human specimens to help dig the area necessary for the life capsule. We’ve been working on training the animals for the dig. We’ve modified elk horns and squirrels’ teeth to assist with digging in the rock hard ice. For the humans, we've procured a number of high-tech digging tools, including two highly-modified Garden Weasels (tm) originally designed for the military.”
There seems to be an endless supply of males who are willing to be flash frozen alive. Finding women who want to be frozen alive is a bit more difficult for Dr. Drascht. “I’ve received applications from two women. One was 75 years old, and the other woman was over 125 kilos (275 pounds.) We’d need to carve a larger hole in the ice for that type of specimen!”
The original plan for the life capsule has changed over the years, but Dr. Drascht is still hopeful. “We originally planned on separate ice caverns for each type of specimen, but the budget has deemed otherwise.” Dr. Drascht’s team will now dig just one hole or “life pit” and place all the specimens in one space. According to Drascht, the biggest challenge will be to quickly freeze the animal specimens before the carnivores eat the herbivores. "The plan is to ensure that all the predators are very well fed prior to being placed into the life pit. I’m considering feeding the animals with protein infused pages from a set of encyclopedias so the future autopsies will reveal a summation of Earth’s history."
One other hole will be used for the “Demise Database” equipment. Drascht is not looking to preserve technology, but rather to create an historical database, so that alien space travelers will know why the planet became devoid of life forms. “At the life pit, we are setting up a satellite internet connection and a printer. Once a week, we will download and print the contents of cnn.com and one random site, pornography excluded, so that we can have a hard copy of Earth’s demise.” There are obvious technological issues with electronics at the South Pole, but printing in sub-zero temperatures won’t be a problem. “We’ve mixed the printer ink with a jellyfish-based anti-freeze. It keeps the ink from freezing and really stretches out our ink inventory. That printer ink is expensive!”
Dr. Drascht is justifiably excited about the earth's imminent demise. "It's all too much, really. I just wish the dinosaurs had possessed brains bigger than peas so that they could have created life capsules to clue us in on their extinction."
Belgian scientist Dr. Mark Drascht believes the Earth is doomed. “Whether by global warming or cooling, nuclear terrorism or just plain stupidity, we are all going to be dead in the next 100 years.”
When the world is wiped clean, Dr. Drascht doesn’t want our history to be destroyed as well. Dr. Drascht is creating a time capsule, and it is not just your basic newspaper, deck of playing cards and Twinkies in a concrete box either. He’s creating a frozen, biological “life capsule,” so that future alien space explorers can find us and perhaps revive our species.
“It’s a kind of frozen Noah’s Ark. I’ve even included doves and an olive tree!”
Dr. Drascht has plans to collect over two hundred mammals and birds, sixty reptiles and six hundred plant species for his life capsule. “Timing is very important. We can only afford to make one trip to the South Pole, and the animals and plants must be frozen alive at the site. It’s one hell of a coordination feat.”
Using data from the past 200 years, Dr. Drascht has located a spot 100 miles from the South Pole that he believes will remain frozen for the next 10,000 years. “Plate tectonics in that area will continue to rotate around the pole. This exact spot will allow our specimens to remain at sub-zero temperatures for the next ten millennia. Basically, it is a maintenance-free freezer.”
Dr. Drascht will transport all the living biological specimens to Antarctica, where they will be flash frozen alive and placed into the life capsule. “We are actually going to use the animals and two human specimens to help dig the area necessary for the life capsule. We’ve been working on training the animals for the dig. We’ve modified elk horns and squirrels’ teeth to assist with digging in the rock hard ice. For the humans, we've procured a number of high-tech digging tools, including two highly-modified Garden Weasels (tm) originally designed for the military.”
There seems to be an endless supply of males who are willing to be flash frozen alive. Finding women who want to be frozen alive is a bit more difficult for Dr. Drascht. “I’ve received applications from two women. One was 75 years old, and the other woman was over 125 kilos (275 pounds.) We’d need to carve a larger hole in the ice for that type of specimen!”
The original plan for the life capsule has changed over the years, but Dr. Drascht is still hopeful. “We originally planned on separate ice caverns for each type of specimen, but the budget has deemed otherwise.” Dr. Drascht’s team will now dig just one hole or “life pit” and place all the specimens in one space. According to Drascht, the biggest challenge will be to quickly freeze the animal specimens before the carnivores eat the herbivores. "The plan is to ensure that all the predators are very well fed prior to being placed into the life pit. I’m considering feeding the animals with protein infused pages from a set of encyclopedias so the future autopsies will reveal a summation of Earth’s history."
One other hole will be used for the “Demise Database” equipment. Drascht is not looking to preserve technology, but rather to create an historical database, so that alien space travelers will know why the planet became devoid of life forms. “At the life pit, we are setting up a satellite internet connection and a printer. Once a week, we will download and print the contents of cnn.com and one random site, pornography excluded, so that we can have a hard copy of Earth’s demise.” There are obvious technological issues with electronics at the South Pole, but printing in sub-zero temperatures won’t be a problem. “We’ve mixed the printer ink with a jellyfish-based anti-freeze. It keeps the ink from freezing and really stretches out our ink inventory. That printer ink is expensive!”
Dr. Drascht is justifiably excited about the earth's imminent demise. "It's all too much, really. I just wish the dinosaurs had possessed brains bigger than peas so that they could have created life capsules to clue us in on their extinction."
Shrimp Attack! Re-release
I may be the second worst promoter ever.
Shrimp Attack! is going to be officially re-released some time this week. Or next week. At least I think it was going to be in July. Of 2007.
Read me writing about Shrimp Attack! here.
Check out Shrimp Attack! on here. at myspace.com/shrimpattackcd.
You can also hear the full album on last.fm .
And if you want to buy a limited edition CD that is bound to win a Grammy, check out innova Recordings.
Shrimp Attack! is going to be officially re-released some time this week. Or next week. At least I think it was going to be in July. Of 2007.
Read me writing about Shrimp Attack! here.
Check out Shrimp Attack! on here. at myspace.com/shrimpattackcd.
You can also hear the full album on last.fm .
And if you want to buy a limited edition CD that is bound to win a Grammy, check out innova Recordings.
An easily digestible listing of the Rotten Tomatoes Top 100 Rated Science Fiction Films
I love the Rotten Tomatoes movie review website. They take a large number of movie reviews and cram them all in one spot. I highly suggest you check out their site.
They recently posted the Top 100 Rated Science Fiction Films. The problem with this list is that they used a complicated formula based on reviewer ratings to get the top 100. By reviewing the list, you’ll note that this system is flawed. The other problem is that the interface is clunky. To save time and more time, I’ve listed them out here.
100. Escape From the Planet of the Apes (1971)
99. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
98. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
97. The Thing (1982)
96. A Boy and His Dog (1975)
95. Dark Star (1974)
94. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
93. Dreamscape (1983)
92. It Came From Outer Space (1953)
91. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
90. Death Race 2000 (1975)
89. War of the Worlds (2005)
88. Flash Gordon (1980)
87. Return of the Jedi (1983)
86. Starman (1984)
85. Innerspace (1987)
84. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
83. Signs (2002)
82. Dark City (1998)
81. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
80. The War of the Worlds (1953)
79. Total Recall (1990)
78. Gattaca (1997)
77. Videodrome (1983)
76. X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes (1963)
75. The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)
74. Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959)
73. Alphaville (1965)
72. Seconds (1966)
71. Fahrenheit 451 (1966)
70. Time After Time (1979)
69. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
68. The Abyss (1989)
67. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
66. Escape from New York (1981)
65. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954
64. Pi (1997)
63. The Thing (1951)
62. Jurassic Park (1993)
61. Open Your Eyes (1997)
60. Robocop (1987)
59. Altered States (1980)
58. The Brother From Another Planet (1984)
57. Planet of the Apes (1968)
56. Westworld (1973)
55. Fantastic Voyage (1966)
54. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
53. They Live (1988)
52. Save The Green Planet! (2005)
51. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)
50. Things to Come (1936)
49. District B13 (2006)
48. Serenity (2005)
47. Donnie Darko (2001)
46. Delicatessen (1991)
45. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
44. 12 Monkeys (1995)
43. Re-Animator (1985)
42. 2046 (2005)
41. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
40. THX 1138 (1971)
39. The Fly (1986)
38. Time Bandits (1982)
37. Them! (1954)
36. Blade Runner (1982)
35. Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
34. Forbidden Planet (1956)
33. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
32. The Matrix (1999)
31. The Invisible Man (1933)
30. Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
29. Ghostbusters (1984)
28. Men in Black (1997)
27. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
26. Young Frankenstein (1974)
25. Gojira (1954)
24. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
23. Sleeper (1973)
22. Back to the Future (1985)
21. Repo Man (1984)
20. Mad Max (1979)
19. Frankenstein (1931)
18. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
17. Solaris (1972)
16. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
15. The Terminator (1984)
14. Brazil (1985)
13. Galaxy Quest (1999)
12. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
11. The Road Warrior (1981)
10. Aliens (1986)
9. Star Wars (1977)
8. The Host (2007)
7. Children of Men (2006)
6. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
5. Minority Report (2002)
4. Alien (1979)
3. Metropolis (1926)
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
At some point I will have to put these in the correct order. The Matrix in at 32nd? You've got to be kidding me.
They recently posted the Top 100 Rated Science Fiction Films. The problem with this list is that they used a complicated formula based on reviewer ratings to get the top 100. By reviewing the list, you’ll note that this system is flawed. The other problem is that the interface is clunky. To save time and more time, I’ve listed them out here.
100. Escape From the Planet of the Apes (1971)
99. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
98. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984)
97. The Thing (1982)
96. A Boy and His Dog (1975)
95. Dark Star (1974)
94. Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
93. Dreamscape (1983)
92. It Came From Outer Space (1953)
91. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)
90. Death Race 2000 (1975)
89. War of the Worlds (2005)
88. Flash Gordon (1980)
87. Return of the Jedi (1983)
86. Starman (1984)
85. Innerspace (1987)
84. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
83. Signs (2002)
82. Dark City (1998)
81. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
80. The War of the Worlds (1953)
79. Total Recall (1990)
78. Gattaca (1997)
77. Videodrome (1983)
76. X: The Man with the X-Ray Eyes (1963)
75. The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)
74. Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959)
73. Alphaville (1965)
72. Seconds (1966)
71. Fahrenheit 451 (1966)
70. Time After Time (1979)
69. Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
68. The Abyss (1989)
67. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (1991)
66. Escape from New York (1981)
65. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954
64. Pi (1997)
63. The Thing (1951)
62. Jurassic Park (1993)
61. Open Your Eyes (1997)
60. Robocop (1987)
59. Altered States (1980)
58. The Brother From Another Planet (1984)
57. Planet of the Apes (1968)
56. Westworld (1973)
55. Fantastic Voyage (1966)
54. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)
53. They Live (1988)
52. Save The Green Planet! (2005)
51. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)
50. Things to Come (1936)
49. District B13 (2006)
48. Serenity (2005)
47. Donnie Darko (2001)
46. Delicatessen (1991)
45. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
44. 12 Monkeys (1995)
43. Re-Animator (1985)
42. 2046 (2005)
41. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
40. THX 1138 (1971)
39. The Fly (1986)
38. Time Bandits (1982)
37. Them! (1954)
36. Blade Runner (1982)
35. Star Trek: First Contact (1996)
34. Forbidden Planet (1956)
33. Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977)
32. The Matrix (1999)
31. The Invisible Man (1933)
30. Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)
29. Ghostbusters (1984)
28. Men in Black (1997)
27. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
26. Young Frankenstein (1974)
25. Gojira (1954)
24. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)
23. Sleeper (1973)
22. Back to the Future (1985)
21. Repo Man (1984)
20. Mad Max (1979)
19. Frankenstein (1931)
18. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
17. Solaris (1972)
16. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
15. The Terminator (1984)
14. Brazil (1985)
13. Galaxy Quest (1999)
12. The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
11. The Road Warrior (1981)
10. Aliens (1986)
9. Star Wars (1977)
8. The Host (2007)
7. Children of Men (2006)
6. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
5. Minority Report (2002)
4. Alien (1979)
3. Metropolis (1926)
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982)
At some point I will have to put these in the correct order. The Matrix in at 32nd? You've got to be kidding me.
Job
I got a job.
Thanks to everyone who helped and provided support by buying me drinks.
I'll be working Tue, Thur and Sat at Sirens in Columbus, OH. My stage name is Peaches.
Thanks to everyone who helped and provided support by buying me drinks.
I'll be working Tue, Thur and Sat at Sirens in Columbus, OH. My stage name is Peaches.
10 things that no one really gives a crap about
What music that shuttle astronauts wake up to
Anything libertarians have an opinion about
Ending a sentence in a preposition
Spelling and grammar in the comments section
Hemp (no one really gives a crap about hemp, they just want marijuana legalized)
Salt (salt used to be as bad as cigarettes... what happened?)
Manners (that sucks, but again, no one cares that it sucks)
What your kid did that was cute/funny
People who smoke all their lives dying from cancer
Your Blog
Anything libertarians have an opinion about
Ending a sentence in a preposition
Spelling and grammar in the comments section
Hemp (no one really gives a crap about hemp, they just want marijuana legalized)
Salt (salt used to be as bad as cigarettes... what happened?)
Manners (that sucks, but again, no one cares that it sucks)
What your kid did that was cute/funny
People who smoke all their lives dying from cancer
Your Blog
Thank you Lia. Thank you Meshell.
Over a year ago Lia suggested I start this site. I thought she was nuts.
Soon after the site was up, she suggested I get business cards. I thought she was nuts.
Last night, as a complete surprise, Meshell gave me a box of the HolyJuan business cards we had been designing.
I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in a year!” Meshell said, “Wasn’t your baby girl born less than a year ago.”
I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in the past six months!”
You can print these up and hand them out to your friends and/or enemies.
Soon after the site was up, she suggested I get business cards. I thought she was nuts.
Last night, as a complete surprise, Meshell gave me a box of the HolyJuan business cards we had been designing.
I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in a year!” Meshell said, “Wasn’t your baby girl born less than a year ago.”
I said, “This is the best gift I’ve had in the past six months!”
You can print these up and hand them out to your friends and/or enemies.
The B & B
I didn’t have a lot of sex in college. Most of my friends think I did. My MO was to hook up, make out for a while and stick around third base without trying to steal home. That was actually my selling point. After about an hour at the bar of “I think I like you” and the next hour of “I think you like me” and about an hour before “I think we should get out of here” I would drop the, “I don’t think we should have sex” line. I think it opened a lot of doors. And pantses.
Telling a girl that you don't want to have sex takes away the pressure and anxiety. It allows you to have fun and know that you all ready have some pre-determined boundaries that don't need to be discussed. When the anxiety and pressure are off, the girl will be relaxed and then hopefully have sex with you.
Of course, telling a girl you don’t want to have sex and then having her want sex removes all guilt (if any) associated with the act. If you say you don’t wanna, but then you do because she wanna, it’s not your fault. It’s not. Really.
My very good friend, Handsome Joe, had a theory about hooking up. Less of a theory and more of a goal. He called it “The Bed and Breakfast.” Any dude can hook up; leave a sock lost somewhere in bed and do the walk of shame home. It’s genetic and it’s easy. Getting the girl to make you breakfast, now that was classy. You couldn’t ask for breakfast either. She had to suggest it. She had to make it. Cold cereal in the living room would get you in the club. Bacon and eggs was golden. Going out for breakfast didn’t count, but it did if she made you a pop tart and shoved you out the door. The Bed and Breakfast. The B & B.
There were several offshoots from the B & B. Joe had a B, B & B when he stayed at the girl’s apartment through an early lunch (The Bed, Breakfast and Brunch.) I once had the B & B with Grocery after I spent the night at a girl’s apartment during finals before winter break. We made out (the not having sex line stuck) and the next morning she made me eggs. She then asked if I wanted any food from her refrigerator as her finals were up and she was heading home. All that food would go to waste. Would I like to take it home? Of course I would. The B & B Grocery.
One fine spring evening at Ohio University, Handsome Joe and I went out to the bars. While having a few beers, a young lady that Joe knew came up and started talking to us. Joe quickly disappeared to the back of the crowded bar with her (The Good Cop always gets the first girl) and I was left mostly alone. As it turned out, my friend Greg was sitting up at the bar. This was a good sign. Greg and I were friends from high school, but we never saw each other out much at Ohio University. It was a good sign because the other two times I saw Greg out at the bars, I hooked up soon afterwards. I’d cut his foot off and wear it around my neck if it weren’t so big. And I guess it would be pretty bloody and stumpy, too.
As Greg and I drank at the bar, Trobes showed up. Trobes was 6’0” of long blonde hair and German ancestry. Trobes kinda liked me. I kinda liked Trobes. We had hooked up in the past (no breakfast yet.) As she sat in my lap at the bar (which was an odd combination of pleasure and boner crushing pain) she told Greg the 2nd greatest compliment I’ve ever received.
“Doug is the best necker in the world.” Wow. Honestly, I consider that a great compliment.
Several drinks afterwards, we left the bar. I had not seen Joe since he walked off and he could take care of himself. I asked Trobes if I could walk her home. She said yes. We walked back to her apartment.
Neither of Trobes' two roommates were home. We went to her bedroom.
{I need to note here that Trobes had a king sized bed. It took up most the room and shit it was big. I think she had an automatic sheet dispenser under the end because you could pull and pull at the sheets and they would just keep coming and coming.}
As we were making out, we heard one of Trobes’ roommates come in. Alone. A few minutes later her other roommate came home. Not so alone. They hung out in the kitchen for a few minutes and then retired to the room next door.
The making of the out continued and my Jedi mind trick about not wanting to have sex worked too well. Oh well… we had fun. I guess that’s what you get for being the best necker.
The next morning we woke up and chatted as we lounged around on the Eastern Plains of her bed. We could hear the lucky roommate chatting with her man. I did the “Shave and a Hair Cut” knock on the wall. They replied with a punctual “knock, knock.” Here is where you learn that I have a distinctive laugh. One that can be heard through a wall. One that Handsome Joe knows well. I laughed. The guy from the other side of the wall said, “Doug?”
“Joe?”
A minute later we were mostly dressed (where was my sock?) and all in the roommate’s room laughing and figuring out what happened the previous night. At some point, the roommate asked, “Do you guys want breakfast?”
Eggs. Bacon. Pancakes. The Bed Bed & Breakfast Breakfast. Or the Double B & B as it’s known in some circles. We couldn’t stop grinning as we sat, scrunched at the small round table in their kitchen, fork and knife in hand. Waiting. Watching the girls’ backs as they cooked at the stove.
*******
Open up any phone book to the yellow pages and you’ll see some sort of B & B business. Usually it’s a B and B Lawn Service or a B & B Auto Repair Shop. While you are driving around the city or through some small town, you’ll see the B & B on a slick, produced graphic or hand painted sign. It always takes me back.
Telling a girl that you don't want to have sex takes away the pressure and anxiety. It allows you to have fun and know that you all ready have some pre-determined boundaries that don't need to be discussed. When the anxiety and pressure are off, the girl will be relaxed and then hopefully have sex with you.
Of course, telling a girl you don’t want to have sex and then having her want sex removes all guilt (if any) associated with the act. If you say you don’t wanna, but then you do because she wanna, it’s not your fault. It’s not. Really.
My very good friend, Handsome Joe, had a theory about hooking up. Less of a theory and more of a goal. He called it “The Bed and Breakfast.” Any dude can hook up; leave a sock lost somewhere in bed and do the walk of shame home. It’s genetic and it’s easy. Getting the girl to make you breakfast, now that was classy. You couldn’t ask for breakfast either. She had to suggest it. She had to make it. Cold cereal in the living room would get you in the club. Bacon and eggs was golden. Going out for breakfast didn’t count, but it did if she made you a pop tart and shoved you out the door. The Bed and Breakfast. The B & B.
There were several offshoots from the B & B. Joe had a B, B & B when he stayed at the girl’s apartment through an early lunch (The Bed, Breakfast and Brunch.) I once had the B & B with Grocery after I spent the night at a girl’s apartment during finals before winter break. We made out (the not having sex line stuck) and the next morning she made me eggs. She then asked if I wanted any food from her refrigerator as her finals were up and she was heading home. All that food would go to waste. Would I like to take it home? Of course I would. The B & B Grocery.
One fine spring evening at Ohio University, Handsome Joe and I went out to the bars. While having a few beers, a young lady that Joe knew came up and started talking to us. Joe quickly disappeared to the back of the crowded bar with her (The Good Cop always gets the first girl) and I was left mostly alone. As it turned out, my friend Greg was sitting up at the bar. This was a good sign. Greg and I were friends from high school, but we never saw each other out much at Ohio University. It was a good sign because the other two times I saw Greg out at the bars, I hooked up soon afterwards. I’d cut his foot off and wear it around my neck if it weren’t so big. And I guess it would be pretty bloody and stumpy, too.
As Greg and I drank at the bar, Trobes showed up. Trobes was 6’0” of long blonde hair and German ancestry. Trobes kinda liked me. I kinda liked Trobes. We had hooked up in the past (no breakfast yet.) As she sat in my lap at the bar (which was an odd combination of pleasure and boner crushing pain) she told Greg the 2nd greatest compliment I’ve ever received.
“Doug is the best necker in the world.” Wow. Honestly, I consider that a great compliment.
Several drinks afterwards, we left the bar. I had not seen Joe since he walked off and he could take care of himself. I asked Trobes if I could walk her home. She said yes. We walked back to her apartment.
Neither of Trobes' two roommates were home. We went to her bedroom.
{I need to note here that Trobes had a king sized bed. It took up most the room and shit it was big. I think she had an automatic sheet dispenser under the end because you could pull and pull at the sheets and they would just keep coming and coming.}
As we were making out, we heard one of Trobes’ roommates come in. Alone. A few minutes later her other roommate came home. Not so alone. They hung out in the kitchen for a few minutes and then retired to the room next door.
The making of the out continued and my Jedi mind trick about not wanting to have sex worked too well. Oh well… we had fun. I guess that’s what you get for being the best necker.
The next morning we woke up and chatted as we lounged around on the Eastern Plains of her bed. We could hear the lucky roommate chatting with her man. I did the “Shave and a Hair Cut” knock on the wall. They replied with a punctual “knock, knock.” Here is where you learn that I have a distinctive laugh. One that can be heard through a wall. One that Handsome Joe knows well. I laughed. The guy from the other side of the wall said, “Doug?”
“Joe?”
A minute later we were mostly dressed (where was my sock?) and all in the roommate’s room laughing and figuring out what happened the previous night. At some point, the roommate asked, “Do you guys want breakfast?”
Eggs. Bacon. Pancakes. The Bed Bed & Breakfast Breakfast. Or the Double B & B as it’s known in some circles. We couldn’t stop grinning as we sat, scrunched at the small round table in their kitchen, fork and knife in hand. Waiting. Watching the girls’ backs as they cooked at the stove.
*******
Open up any phone book to the yellow pages and you’ll see some sort of B & B business. Usually it’s a B and B Lawn Service or a B & B Auto Repair Shop. While you are driving around the city or through some small town, you’ll see the B & B on a slick, produced graphic or hand painted sign. It always takes me back.
The Powers that Be
Doug, Jen, Andy and Dave.
Juliano stuck her head into the photo. At first we were pissed. Now I think we are glad she did.
My American Accent
| What American accent do you have? (Best version so far) Midland ("Midland" is not necessarily the same thing as "Midwest") The default, lowest-common-denominator American accent that newscasters try to imitate. Since it's a neutral accent, just because you have a Midland accent doesn't mean you're from the Midland. |
| Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests. |
See, I've got the voice to be a weatherman. Now I just need to git learned about rain and such.
Scanner up and running
I got the scanner up and running!
Sadly, I cannot get my anything funny up and running. This is the best it is going to get today.
Computer Woes
In the midst of job searching and writing and attempting to become famous, my computer has crashed pretty damn hard.
I bought a new hard drive and reinstalled XP while attempting to bring the old drive back to life. I've got the old files, but can't get the HD to boot. I'm guessing my programs are toast.
Service pack 2 is 112 megs? Damn...
I bought a new hard drive and reinstalled XP while attempting to bring the old drive back to life. I've got the old files, but can't get the HD to boot. I'm guessing my programs are toast.
Service pack 2 is 112 megs? Damn...
Famous Chicks I Get to Bang List (Updated)
I think it was a Friends episode where Ross had a list of famous women he was given permission by his spouse/fiancé to sleep with given the unlikely opportunity.
Well heck. As it turns out there is a name for it: A Laminated List . It seems quite popular.
Well, my list only has three and it is not laminated, so it is subject to change. My previous list was:
Christina Ricci
Leelee Sobieski
Melissa Joan Hart
I am officially updating the list to reflect the following:
Ricci stays at the top
LeeLee moves into the third spot
Ms. Hart is off the list
Sarah Silverman moves into the second spot
Given that the list doesn’t have any particular order, I realized that it actually does. In the off chance that I seduce both Sarah Silverman and Christina Ricci at the same after party, I’m going to have to choose one or the other as the list does not allow for threesomes. In this situation, I would consult the list, note the order, bang Ricci as I smile politely shrug to Sarah Silverman.
The key is to keep the old lists with the new, just in case you see your past listees on the set of a B-list reality show. I think I still have the original, yellowed hand printed list with:
Alyssa Milano
The Little Mermaid
Molly Ringwald
Well heck. As it turns out there is a name for it: A Laminated List . It seems quite popular.
Well, my list only has three and it is not laminated, so it is subject to change. My previous list was:
Christina Ricci
Leelee Sobieski
Melissa Joan Hart
I am officially updating the list to reflect the following:
Ricci stays at the top
LeeLee moves into the third spot
Ms. Hart is off the list
Sarah Silverman moves into the second spot
Given that the list doesn’t have any particular order, I realized that it actually does. In the off chance that I seduce both Sarah Silverman and Christina Ricci at the same after party, I’m going to have to choose one or the other as the list does not allow for threesomes. In this situation, I would consult the list, note the order, bang Ricci as I smile politely shrug to Sarah Silverman.
The key is to keep the old lists with the new, just in case you see your past listees on the set of a B-list reality show. I think I still have the original, yellowed hand printed list with:
Alyssa Milano
The Little Mermaid
Molly Ringwald
The Power (and cost) of Soup
Well crap.
Last year at this time, Meshell and I were talking about me publishing a children’s book. She had an illustration called The Power of Soup and I wrote a story about it with the same title.
I also registered www.thepowerofsoup.com. With all the money that was going to be coming my way, I thought it was prudent.
I made only one (failed) attempt at getting the story published and gave up.
I received three or four e-mails about the site subscription coming to an end. Each one a reminder that I was a lazy fuck. I just wanted it to die.
Well it didn’t…
Dear Douglas,
Customer Number: 7574832312
We just want to let you know we've automatically renewed the following items according to our agreement:
Product Name Unit Price Qty Total Price
------------ ---------- --- -----------
.COM Domain Name Renewal - 1 Year $ 8.95 1 $ 9.17
THEPOWEROFSOUP.COM
The automatic renewal was on. Crap.
So, for someone who does not believe in fate, I am going to make the best of this. I’ll re-write and re-submit.
Maybe we will look back at this and laugh. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Last year at this time, Meshell and I were talking about me publishing a children’s book. She had an illustration called The Power of Soup and I wrote a story about it with the same title.
I also registered www.thepowerofsoup.com. With all the money that was going to be coming my way, I thought it was prudent.
I made only one (failed) attempt at getting the story published and gave up.
I received three or four e-mails about the site subscription coming to an end. Each one a reminder that I was a lazy fuck. I just wanted it to die.
Well it didn’t…
Dear Douglas,
Customer Number: 7574832312
We just want to let you know we've automatically renewed the following items according to our agreement:
Product Name Unit Price Qty Total Price
------------ ---------- --- -----------
.COM Domain Name Renewal - 1 Year $ 8.95 1 $ 9.17
THEPOWEROFSOUP.COM
The automatic renewal was on. Crap.
So, for someone who does not believe in fate, I am going to make the best of this. I’ll re-write and re-submit.
Maybe we will look back at this and laugh. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Egotistical Bastard
As of 9:07 on 6/7/07, I am the number one search return for the phrase Egotistical Bastard on Google.
Egotistical Bastard
Finally... some respect.
Egotistical Bastard
Finally... some respect.
419 Scambaiting – Part 4 {UPDATED 6-6-07}
{Author's note: This is update number four to the continuing correspondence between a scam artist and our friend, Frank Stein. Check out http://www.419eater.com/ for some other great examples of scambaiting.}
A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.
Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.
Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.
Here is our continuing correspondence.
The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}
From: jfreemann009@hotmail.com
Subject: PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
{THREE PARAGRAPHS DELETED… SAME OLD CRAP}
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded. www.diplomaticdeliveryservices.net
Thanks,
Mr. John Freeman
NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM
To: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.
I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.
Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.
You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?
As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.
Join me in prayer:
Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.
Praise God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,
If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Freeman,
The Lord frowns upon you this day.
A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.
Beware God's wrath if you are lying!
God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.
In your loving name,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with
Hello Frank,
Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.
As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.
Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.
Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31
I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.
'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22
Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?
'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell
Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.
Frank (please call me by my first name.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter
Hello Frank,
I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.
Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.
I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!
When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.
I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!
God Bless!
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,
How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.
Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.
If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother John,
Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...
Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:
Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.
I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.
Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.
I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.
Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.
Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.
Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings Brother John,
Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.
Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}
Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.
I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.
Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.
In God be praised,
Frank
--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged
Hello Frank,
I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.
Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}
{This photo file was named A PHOTO OF THE MONEY BEFORE IT WAS HANDED OVER TO THE DIPLOMAT FOR SAFE KEEPING}
{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.
You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!
So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.
You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?
Pray with me now:
Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.
Amen.
Signed,
Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)
PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today
Hello Frank,
I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.
I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Today is a bad day to call.
I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.
Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!
Dear Lord,
Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.
Amen.
Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.
I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!
In my loving arms,
Frank Stein
--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------
{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}
God frowns upon you this day my friend.
You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.
Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project
Hello Frank,
I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.
I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.
I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Brother Freeman,
I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.
I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!
Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.
Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.
Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.
Amen and Praise Jesus!!!
Signed,
Frank Stein
PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.
--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.
Hello Frank,
I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.
You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.
I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John Freeman,
I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.
The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.
I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!
I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.
I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.
Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.
Please pray with me,
Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!
Amen
Signed,
Frank Stein
A few months ago, I posted a series of e-mails between a 419 Scammer and my hotmail Frank Stein account.
Since that time, my e-mail address has been shared with the entire 419 Scammer community and I get 1 – 2 scam e-mails each day. At some point I knew I would reply to one of them.
Mr. John Freeman caught my eye. Frank Stein responded. As it turns out, Frank is a very religious and somewhat forgetful man.
Here is our continuing correspondence.
The e-mails are separated by dashed lines. Any editorial comments are written {between brackets.}
From: jfreemann009@hotmail.com
Subject: PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
Date: Mon, 21 May 2007 15:00:47 +0000
PLEASE, I NEED YOUR FINANCIAL ASSITTANCE TO EXECUTE THIS PROJECT
From: Mr. John Freeman
Tel: +44 703-196-4536
Personal email address: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Hello Friend,
I want to bring to your knowledge of a very lucrative business opportunity that I have. Well I work as an agent that accompanies contractors funds to be paid to them and one of my fellow official by name…
{THREE PARAGRAPHS DELETED… SAME OLD CRAP}
… I will be expecting your reply today and also a call on 44 703-196-4536 and please send to me your phone and fax number if interested. Below is the webpage of the Diplomat where the consignment of money is safeguarded. www.diplomaticdeliveryservices.net
Thanks,
Mr. John Freeman
NOTE: If you think that this a SCAM or a JOKE. Please i advised you dont reply this email, because i want to avoid embarrassment and wastening my precious time and yours. FINALLY, I WILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS TRANSACTION MIGHT REQUIRE/COST YOU SOME AMOUNT OF MONEY WHICH I CANT TELL FOR NOW.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sent: Mon 5/21/07 12:19 PM
To: johnfreeman00006@yahoo.co.jp
Dear Mr. Freeman,
Please allow me to help you with this project. I am retired and have nothing but time to spend helping you to secure these dollars.
God be praised if this works out!
Yours in the Lord,
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tue, 22 May 2007 14:38:34 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Thanks for the prompt respond
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prompt respond towards the email i sent to you. As, i rightly told you in my first email that this project is going to cost some amount of money in getting it executed, that was why i contacted you and also your sincerity and understanding.
I have spent alot of money in making sure that the consignment is safe and secured. So, i believe the cost of getting it executed financially will not be that much because i have spent alot. So, get back to me if you are ready to assist me financially. I want you to bear in mind that this project is 100% risk free. Infact we are going to rejoice and celebrate together at the end of the project. It is also an opportunity that will change the both of us life postively.
Send me your information which i requested for if you are ready to do this with me, imean assistting me financially. Your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to and you phone number, so that i can give you a phone call. Finally, you made mention that you are retired but considering the huge amount of money involve in this which i have agrred to give you 40% of the total 11miilion contain in the consignment at the end. So, you can still try as much as you can in assitting me financially, okay. Expect you are not reday to help.
You can also give me a phone call on +44-703-196-4536. I will be expecting to recieve your reply today and also a phone call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Is there any proof you can give me that you are who you say you are? A photo ID or your passport?
As Jesus is your savior, your proof of identity will guide His hand.
Join me in prayer:
Lord, you light guides my hand and heart
Doth thou live in the amnesty of the charity of His and His only?
Mary the mother and her only Son be praised
To all the Saints and Bretheren of HolyJuan and Saint Paul.
Let this money go to your cause and the bigness that it your hugeness.
Praise God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 15:09:40 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Yeah my passport. That is if you are ready to assist me financially
Hello Frank,
If You are ready to assist me financially in this, then i will send you a scan copy of my internation passport.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Freeman,
The Lord frowns upon you this day.
A truthful man in the eyes of God would have sent me proof of identity without question.
Beware God's wrath if you are lying!
God has provided me with wealth in this lifetime and with His help, he will to you, but I must have proof you are who you say you are. SATAN BE OUT WITH THE LIARS!
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, bless this man in his quest for financial dollars and cash.
In your loving name,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 18:16:46 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Something tells me that you are the right person to do this project with
Hello Frank,
Am not a liar. Am a very striaght and sincere person. I will scan and send you a copy of my passport. The reason i asked question first is to be sure that i have met the right person to assist me in executing the project.
As, you know that the consignment contain millions of dollars and considering the lot of money i have spent in making sure that very necessary logitics is been taken care of, one need to be careful.
Something tells me that i have seen the right person to do this project with sucessful and that person appear to be sincere and trustworthy. Infact that person is no other one but Mr Frank Stein.
Please, can you give me a phone call so that we can talk.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
'Do not allow anyone but God judge this man as long as he remains on Earth.' Thesolonians 32:31
I will not judge your honesty, I will let the Lord do that, fine sir. I do seem to trust you as much as you trust me.
'Let he who follows that path of truth be the guide to God's right hand.' James 12:22
Sadly, my home phone does not allow me to call overseas. Do you have an office in the United States that I could call?
'The lifeblood of Jesus will clean the pathways of your heart' - Jerry Falwell
Please let me know if you have an alternate phone number.
Frank (please call me by my first name.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 May 2007 19:14:22 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Attach is my picture and my late duaghter
Hello Frank,
I got your email and i thank you for the encouraging word. I don't have any other number outside United Kingdom.
Maybe you should give me your phone number so that i can call you and we talk.
I attach a picture of I and my late daughter. I would have scan and send you my passport not my scanning is bad not will definately send it tomorrow to you. Remember to give me your phone number so that i can give you a call.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Your daughter is late? I assume you mean she is late in her menstrual cycle! I hope congratulations are in order on her pregnancy!
When my daughter was late, we caught the bastard that got her pregnant and beat the Lord right into him.
I hope your daughter enjoys her pregnancy!!! I hope you have a boy!
God Bless!
Frank
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 May 2007 11:18:26 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Get back to me
Hello Frank,
How are you doing today, hope fine. Thanks for the reply. When i say that my daughter is late,i mean she is died.
Are you ready to do this project. Get back to me immediately. Time is not on our side.
If you are ready, then send me the informations i requested for so that i can write a comprehenssive letter to the diplomat about you. I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered and phone number for effective communication.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brother John,
Died? Oh forgive me sir! My mind does wander...
Let us pray for your lovely deceased daughter:
Lord, you giveth and you taketh away. You give glory with one hand and strike down the serpent that is the Devil with the other. Take this child into your loving arms and hold her close but not so close the the fire of your soul burns her precious wings off and then she must then drink of your repentant blood to regrow them in your name we pray. Amen.
I'm very sorry. In our last e-mail, you said that you were going to give me a number in the United States so that I can call you. You may not know this but my phone does not call internationally.
Please let me have the number of your office in the United States or Canada.
I have attached a photo of myself at the Law Office before I retired.
Praise be to Jesus Lord Savior and Gracious God,
Frank Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Frank,
Thanks for the prayer. I know you can't call international number, that was why i ask you to give me your phone number so that i can call you. My phone has international calling access.
Send me your information together with the phone number so that i can write an application to the diplomat abot you. The informations you are to send are your fiull name, contact address where the consignment will be deliverd to and your phone number.
Take a look at the attach docunment. It is the Certificate of deposit that was given to me at the day of deposit. Remember to send me your informations and your phone number if you are ready to assist me financially.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings Brother John,
Your attachment did not come through. Please try and resend if you get a chance. I trust you, but would like to see some form of proof of the money transaction and your word to God and his savior Jesus.
Here is my Social Security Number: 078-05-1120 {This is the most misused SS number of all time}
My full name is: Frank Ken Stein
My phone number here is: (202)606-2423 - I run a small, part time waste disposal company, but this is the best number to catch me at. {This is the US Government number for fraud and waste}
Please try to call during daylight hours in the United States of America.
I will give you my address once I see some additional proof.
Let me say this under the eyes of God... if this is a lie, may the Lord have mercy on your soul! Back in 1973 I had a good friend double cross me. I prayed for the Lord's vengeance and three weeks later he died from a horrible bowel obstruction. In his dying eyes I thanked the Lord for his vengeance.
In God be praised,
Frank
--UPDATED 5-25-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 May 2007 18:27:11 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I just called the number you gave to me it ranged and ranged
Hello Frank,
I just called the number you gave to me, it was ranged and ranged nobody was picking it up. It is 6.26pm here in United kingdom.
Am still expecting to hear from you so that we can proceed.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
{These are two photos he attached to the e-mail.}
{This photo file was named A PHOTO OF THE MONEY BEFORE IT WAS HANDED OVER TO THE DIPLOMAT FOR SAFE KEEPING}
{This photo file was simply named COD. They are both at the resolution I received them in.}
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
May the Lord meet and greet you with kindness and the love of his only SON, Jesus.
You will have to forgive me for not answering the phone. I have a lower bowel obstruction and when the Lord tells me it's time to go to the bathroom... Jesus be Praised, it's time to go. I will sit there on the toilet for two to three hours at a time. Grunting hymns to the Lord's mercy! I betcha Jesus on the cross didn;t sweat it out as much as I do in the bathroom. Jesus be Praised!
So if I do not answer, please call back. I do need to speak about this with you.
You may not know this, but my phone can not call internationally. Do you have a phone number in the United States that I can call?
Pray with me now:
Oh Lord, within this my Brother's phone call passage make way for the rush of fecal matter that is cut from the body from the nourishment of which you provided in the form of buffalo wings and salsa and potato wedges with cheese. Let this so on and pass and so on leave to touch the face of God.
Amen.
Signed,
Frank Stein (Please call me Frank.)
PS God be praised! The photo of the money and the document came through clear as daylight when God created the earth. Hi, my name is Frank Stein. My voice is my passport. Verify me. In the name of the LORD!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 12:21:19 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, I will be expecting your information today
Hello Frank,
I will give you a call later today, maybe 8am or 9am your time. If truly you are ready to assist me financially in getting this project executed then send me your contact address where the consignment of money will be delivered to so that i can write an application to the diplomat about you.
I expect to hear from you today.
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John,
Today is a bad day to call.
I am upset that you do not realize that it is a very Holy day. Today is the Assumption of Fervor Repugnance St. Juan his Holiness Day! Are you not a Christian man? I will be busy in my prayer hut all day.
Please kneel and pray with me now. Kneel!!
Dear Lord,
Upon this day which thou suggesteth be holy, we reach out to you and your most holy and beautiful Self and bathe in your light and darkness and thus your shade. Lord, crush thine enemies with your taint and lay waste to their picnic baskets and coolers filled with nourishment and juice boxes. Lord we beseech thee.
Amen.
Please call on Monday. I'm, not sure if you know this or not, but my phone does not call internationally.
I am very excited about the money. Together, in God's grace, this project will go through!!
In my loving arms,
Frank Stein
--UPDATED 6-5-07---------------------------------------------------------------
{Brother John did not write back for several days after this, so I prompted him with a little teaser letter.}
God frowns upon you this day my friend.
You promised me money and yet you turn away from the face of your father.
Either call me with the details or tell me that you have found another caretaker of cash.
Pray with me:
Dear Lord, this nest of snakes cannot be undone with out the hand of God and the such for with thou art.
Amen
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 12:37:42 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, Do you still want to assist me financially in this project
Hello Frank,
I travelled out of the state for a meeting that was why i haven't been able to check my email. I called the phone number you gave to me severals times but it keep ringing and nobody will pick it up.
I thought you are no longer interested in assistting me financially in getting this project executed. Well, if you sincere want to assist me financially as i have wanted you to do, then you send me your full name, contact address where the consignment will be delivered to, so that i can write a comprehensive application to mthe diplomat about you.
I will be expecting you to send me the informations today,okay.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Brother Freeman,
I am sorry for not trusting you! Please forgive me with all my heart and soul. With trust all men are brothers. In hate, all men are sisters.
I'm not sure if you know this, but my phone does not call overseas. I've tried calling you from a phone booth, but it takes almost $50 dollars worth of quarters to call you. So far I have called your number eight times and some one with some jibba jabba language answered. Luckily I have a big bowl of quarters!
Please try me at this number (202) 324-3000. {This is the number for the FBI.}It is the office where I do a bit of side work with patients that have torn their wrists and hands. Hit the “0” button and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with Frank Stein in the Tear Wrist department.
Friend, I have a lot of money on my own, but I want to help you to get me more money so that I can give it back to God. Please call me at the above number as soon as possible so that God can get some cash.
Let us pray together:
Lord, Thy brethern seeks to reach me on your heavenly hotline. Let his voice be turned into a digital arrow that flies straight to the phone target and not stray from the path and hit the voice mail which would be the Devil's Due.
Amen and Praise Jesus!!!
Signed,
Frank Stein
PS If the voice mail picks up, hit the # key, then 1. Then hit 1337 and the * key twice. Wait for the beep and enter in my special extension #42. If it does not go though, hit the # key twice to get you back to the main menu. Dial 664-0998 and the * key. Wait for the beep and then hit the @ key once.
--UPDATED 6-6-07---------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 Jun 2007 12:57:51 +0100
From: johnfreeman0006@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Hello Frank, send me your information immediately,okay.
Hello Frank,
I called the number you gave to me and it was a wrong number. I want you to forward to me your informations, if you are ready to do this project with me. In your next email i will be expecting the informations, I mean your full name, contact address where the consignment will be deliver to and a direct phone number that i can reach you with at any time of the day.
You are wasting much time over this project and time is not on ourside. So, send me your information immediately,okay.
I will have to write the application to the diplomat about you today and also give you the contact detail of the diplomat to contact him and ask for the release and delivery of the consignment to you at your home town.
Thanks,
John Freeman
+44-703-196-4536
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hello John Freeman,
I will give you my home address and phone number as soon as I can see a scan of your passport.
The photo of your dead daughter was very pretty, but I need real proof that this is you.
I have been scammed in the past. I have sent over $10,000 to four separate persons who needed my help in the past and I have not had good results!!
I am ready to help you, but will need to see the passport or identification scan. If we need to send documents back and forth, we will need to make sure that we use Fed-Ex or DHL so that documents can be tracked.
I also do not like to send cash. I will not do that again. All money transactions will need to be via Western Union. I am willing to send cash if the amount is less than $100, but no more than that.
Please send your Passport scan or ID scan so that we can proceed.
Please pray with me,
Lords of Light, though the moon may be split in two, may your son Ookla and Princess daughter Ariel and I strike down the Demon Dogs with your Sun Sword. In that, a strange new world rises from the old: a world of savagery, super science, and sorcery. Ookla, we ride!
Amen
Signed,
Frank Stein
Orson Welles drunk
My favorite part is either the mumbling or the fingering of the bottle during the third take.
I will never forget.
{Author's Note: The names have been changed in this article.}
I walked out of my house on Saturday morning, preparing to mow the lawn. It was going to rain later and I wanted to get it out of the way. I stuffed my iPod in my front pocket and adjusted the ear buds. I could not help but notice the thirteen year old neighbor girl walking up our driveway with a cordless phone in her hand. She looked panicked, but was polite.
“Henry fell down and my mom needs your help.”
Henry lives across the street from me. He’s an older dude and very nice. He and his wife June are always interested in our kids. Our conversations always start with us yelling across the street, but I usually walk over and we chit chat for a minute or two. Nothing heavy. Lawn. Sidewalk maintenance. Gutters.
I ran across the street and through the front door. Mary was on Henry's stairs. She is the mom of the thirteen year old. She said, “Henry’s in the bathroom. I can’t move him.”
In the background, I hear Henry’s wife loudly crying and praying.
My heart is racing and I leap up the stairs. I had been in Henry’s house, but never upstairs. I expect to see a guy with a broken hip.
He was wearing shorts and sock and shoes, sprawled out on the bathroom floor, oddly twisted with his arms under him. No shirt. When I saw him earlier, I was going to poke fun of him mowing the lawn without his shirt on. It had been very hot that morning.
Mary said again, “I can’t move him" and then "I don’t think he’s breathing.”
I stand over him and reach under his arms and pull him up and over. Over and on to his back. He is heavy. His face is purple. There is blood and mucus on his face and the floor.
I realize that Mary is on the phone and she has been the whole time. She’s speaking to a 911 operator. She asks me, “Do you know CPR?”
I haven’t trained in CPR since the ninth grade. But I watch TV. “Not really. Kinda. I can try.”
I reach up and grab a hand towel off the wall. It is yellow. I wipe the blood and mucus from around his open, slack mouth. His face is very purple. I open his mouth and angle mine to his. I breathe into his mouth.
Blood and mucus shoot out of his nose and over the side of my face. I forgot to pinch his nose shut.
“Do I pinch his nose shut?”
“Yes.”
I pinch and breathe again. His chest rises and when I pull back, my air come back out his mouth, gurgling. I breathe in again and gag. I almost throw up. It is a reflex and I can’t control it. I adjust my stance and move to pump his heart.
I place my hands on his chest over his heart and push down. I break his ribs. They are bending and cracking under my hands. I can feel them shifting as I compress his chest. But I have to keep pushing. I actually start to count like it matters.
Two. Three. Four. Five.
I switch to breathing in his mouth. Mary reminds me to sweep his mouth. I turn his head and clear out mucus and blood and what might have been some vomit. I align my mouth to his. My teeth and his teeth click together. A feeling cannot forget. His chest rises and sags with my breaths. I ask Mary what ratio of breaths to compressions. I do not hear what she says.
I compress his chest again. The grating of his ribs together is less repugnant. I am getting used to this. I am getting very tired. I expect him to start breathing on his own. He does not.
This goes on for less than five minutes.
I hear the front door. Someone runs up the stairs.
The medic calmly says, “Let’s bring him in the hallway.”
We lift his body and carry it. He’s much lighter when lifted by two.
The tech determines that the hallway is too small and we pick him up again and carry him to the bedroom as four or five other paramedics rush into the house.
They are in control.
I walk out of their bedroom and walk down the stairs and across the street. I am mostly holding back the sobbing. I walk into my house and wash my mouth and face in the kitchen sink, trying not to let Greg see me so upset. Our hand towel is white with green stripes.
Later, the lead paramedic stopped by our house and had very kind words. He thanked me for helping and said that there was nothing we could do. He took down my name for his report.
Henry died of a massive heart attack. He was 67.
I had a beer with Erik tonight. My bottle hit my teeth as I was taking a drink. I will never forget.
I walked out of my house on Saturday morning, preparing to mow the lawn. It was going to rain later and I wanted to get it out of the way. I stuffed my iPod in my front pocket and adjusted the ear buds. I could not help but notice the thirteen year old neighbor girl walking up our driveway with a cordless phone in her hand. She looked panicked, but was polite.
“Henry fell down and my mom needs your help.”
Henry lives across the street from me. He’s an older dude and very nice. He and his wife June are always interested in our kids. Our conversations always start with us yelling across the street, but I usually walk over and we chit chat for a minute or two. Nothing heavy. Lawn. Sidewalk maintenance. Gutters.
I ran across the street and through the front door. Mary was on Henry's stairs. She is the mom of the thirteen year old. She said, “Henry’s in the bathroom. I can’t move him.”
In the background, I hear Henry’s wife loudly crying and praying.
My heart is racing and I leap up the stairs. I had been in Henry’s house, but never upstairs. I expect to see a guy with a broken hip.
He was wearing shorts and sock and shoes, sprawled out on the bathroom floor, oddly twisted with his arms under him. No shirt. When I saw him earlier, I was going to poke fun of him mowing the lawn without his shirt on. It had been very hot that morning.
Mary said again, “I can’t move him" and then "I don’t think he’s breathing.”
I stand over him and reach under his arms and pull him up and over. Over and on to his back. He is heavy. His face is purple. There is blood and mucus on his face and the floor.
I realize that Mary is on the phone and she has been the whole time. She’s speaking to a 911 operator. She asks me, “Do you know CPR?”
I haven’t trained in CPR since the ninth grade. But I watch TV. “Not really. Kinda. I can try.”
I reach up and grab a hand towel off the wall. It is yellow. I wipe the blood and mucus from around his open, slack mouth. His face is very purple. I open his mouth and angle mine to his. I breathe into his mouth.
Blood and mucus shoot out of his nose and over the side of my face. I forgot to pinch his nose shut.
“Do I pinch his nose shut?”
“Yes.”
I pinch and breathe again. His chest rises and when I pull back, my air come back out his mouth, gurgling. I breathe in again and gag. I almost throw up. It is a reflex and I can’t control it. I adjust my stance and move to pump his heart.
I place my hands on his chest over his heart and push down. I break his ribs. They are bending and cracking under my hands. I can feel them shifting as I compress his chest. But I have to keep pushing. I actually start to count like it matters.
Two. Three. Four. Five.
I switch to breathing in his mouth. Mary reminds me to sweep his mouth. I turn his head and clear out mucus and blood and what might have been some vomit. I align my mouth to his. My teeth and his teeth click together. A feeling cannot forget. His chest rises and sags with my breaths. I ask Mary what ratio of breaths to compressions. I do not hear what she says.
I compress his chest again. The grating of his ribs together is less repugnant. I am getting used to this. I am getting very tired. I expect him to start breathing on his own. He does not.
This goes on for less than five minutes.
I hear the front door. Someone runs up the stairs.
The medic calmly says, “Let’s bring him in the hallway.”
We lift his body and carry it. He’s much lighter when lifted by two.
The tech determines that the hallway is too small and we pick him up again and carry him to the bedroom as four or five other paramedics rush into the house.
They are in control.
I walk out of their bedroom and walk down the stairs and across the street. I am mostly holding back the sobbing. I walk into my house and wash my mouth and face in the kitchen sink, trying not to let Greg see me so upset. Our hand towel is white with green stripes.
Later, the lead paramedic stopped by our house and had very kind words. He thanked me for helping and said that there was nothing we could do. He took down my name for his report.
Henry died of a massive heart attack. He was 67.
I had a beer with Erik tonight. My bottle hit my teeth as I was taking a drink. I will never forget.
Wheelchair bound Jehovah’s Witness demands all homes meet ADA standards.
(Source)
(WCL) COLUMBUS- Charles Handsy is no ordinary 22 year old college graduate. He’s battled a lifelong, debilitating disease that has kept him bound to a wheelchair. Now he seeks to overcome Satan by ensuring that every home is equipped with ramps so that he can ring your doorbell and offer each and every homeowner the possibilities of “The New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures” and the “Watchtower” magazine.
“It is only fair that I be allowed to spread His word to every home. People with two good legs come to your house to sell magazines and cookies. I want the opportunity to bring something with more substance and less calories.”
Mr. Handsy has been a Jehovah’s Witness for the past eight years. He started his door to door crusade in the summer of 2002 and has since become discouraged at the lack of accessibility.
“At first it wasn’t so bad when I had other Brothers and Sister with me that could reach the door. We used walkie talkies to share His word and if the door was really far away from the street, cell phones.”
And it seems like Mr. Handsy has got the ACLU on his side. In July of 2009, the ACLU released this completely unrelated message concerning free speech in Ohio. Part of this Press Release is as follows:
“The principles of the First Amendment are indivisible. In a nation of laws, the rights established necessarily apply to all. Extend those rights to one group and they protect all groups; deny them to one group, and all groups suffer. We cannot remain faithful to the First Amendment by turning our backs when it is put to its severest test. “
When questioned Mr. Handsy about the cost of making every home accessible to wheelchairs he quickly changed subjects and said, “You wouldn’t believe how many homes don’t have ramps going up to them! Surely Satan has designed these homes to keep me away from spreading God’s word.”
We failed on several attempts to contact the ADA-Ohio, mainly because we did not call nor did we e-mail the non-for-profit group on this completely fictional story.
Our analysts have determined that the cost of adding ramps to the average American household will be $2,500. Stainless steel and platinum ramps could cost homeowners as much as $145,000.
Mr. Handsy shrugged off the costs, "Give unto Cesar what is Cesar's, give unto God what is God's” though later he admitted, “I do buy the occasional box of Girl Scout cookies.”
Brother Handsy can be contacted at Charles.Handsy@gmail.com.
(WCL) COLUMBUS- Charles Handsy is no ordinary 22 year old college graduate. He’s battled a lifelong, debilitating disease that has kept him bound to a wheelchair. Now he seeks to overcome Satan by ensuring that every home is equipped with ramps so that he can ring your doorbell and offer each and every homeowner the possibilities of “The New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures” and the “Watchtower” magazine.
“It is only fair that I be allowed to spread His word to every home. People with two good legs come to your house to sell magazines and cookies. I want the opportunity to bring something with more substance and less calories.”
Mr. Handsy has been a Jehovah’s Witness for the past eight years. He started his door to door crusade in the summer of 2002 and has since become discouraged at the lack of accessibility.
“At first it wasn’t so bad when I had other Brothers and Sister with me that could reach the door. We used walkie talkies to share His word and if the door was really far away from the street, cell phones.”
And it seems like Mr. Handsy has got the ACLU on his side. In July of 2009, the ACLU released this completely unrelated message concerning free speech in Ohio. Part of this Press Release is as follows:
“The principles of the First Amendment are indivisible. In a nation of laws, the rights established necessarily apply to all. Extend those rights to one group and they protect all groups; deny them to one group, and all groups suffer. We cannot remain faithful to the First Amendment by turning our backs when it is put to its severest test. “
When questioned Mr. Handsy about the cost of making every home accessible to wheelchairs he quickly changed subjects and said, “You wouldn’t believe how many homes don’t have ramps going up to them! Surely Satan has designed these homes to keep me away from spreading God’s word.”
We failed on several attempts to contact the ADA-Ohio, mainly because we did not call nor did we e-mail the non-for-profit group on this completely fictional story.
Our analysts have determined that the cost of adding ramps to the average American household will be $2,500. Stainless steel and platinum ramps could cost homeowners as much as $145,000.
Mr. Handsy shrugged off the costs, "Give unto Cesar what is Cesar's, give unto God what is God's” though later he admitted, “I do buy the occasional box of Girl Scout cookies.”
Brother Handsy can be contacted at Charles.Handsy@gmail.com.
Word(s) of the Day (Part 2 or The Last Page)
A few months ago, I posted the Word(s) of the Day list. Here is part 2. Notice the last word which basically means this is also will be the last page of the list.
WWBD is What Would Brad Do
servotage is defined as what IT guys do to your server so that they can come in and fix it for a nominal fee
I put "redacted" in quotes so that you wouldn't think the word had been crossed out. The word is redacted. The word is not redacted. Get it?
WWBD is What Would Brad Do
servotage is defined as what IT guys do to your server so that they can come in and fix it for a nominal fee
I put "redacted" in quotes so that you wouldn't think the word had been crossed out. The word is redacted. The word is not redacted. Get it?
Damn it
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
I got laid off.
Damn it.
It's for the best. Damn it. Damn it.
Now the fun begins!!
I got laid off.
Damn it.
It's for the best. Damn it. Damn it.
Now the fun begins!!
D comes before E
Erik moved to within 1.2 miles of my home. Tonight, I helped him move a last few items into his new house and then he and I went in search of a neighborhood bar.
I’ve been in the neighborhood about a year, but no neighbor wants to drink with me. Many people were drawn to Westerville due to its dry status and so many of my neighbors are not into neighborhood bars. I have been barless and must travel tens of miles to grab drinks with friends. Now that Erik is close by, that is all going to change.
Well, no it’s not. The only thing that is going to change is that Erik and I will both have an untouchable bar that is that much closer. We won’t go out more, we’ll just not be going out closer to home more.
But we do like to kid ourselves and our wives like to let us pretend that we can tell them whatever we want, so we were both allowed to go check out a local establishment.
It sucked. Bad, loud music. Horrible atmosphere. No Golden Tee.
Three beers and a free shot later, it wasn’t so bad.
The bartender had asked us what we were doing and I said that Erik was new to the area and we were interviewing bars. She said, “What do you mean?” And I calmly replied, “Where do you see this bar in five years.” Well, she didn’t get the joke (no one has so far) and she thought I was asking her where she was going to be in five years. She immediately thought that I cared for more than her ass crack sticking out of her too small jeans and took a liking to us. She asked for our names and we did not lie.
Fifteen minutes (and that free shot) later, we shuffled out the door with promises to return. She said, “I’ll remember your names because D comes before E.”
D comes before E. For the next five years Erik and I will be debating why D coming before E is better and or worse for the other person. We laughed the entire .9 miles back to his house.
We found our bar.
I’ve been in the neighborhood about a year, but no neighbor wants to drink with me. Many people were drawn to Westerville due to its dry status and so many of my neighbors are not into neighborhood bars. I have been barless and must travel tens of miles to grab drinks with friends. Now that Erik is close by, that is all going to change.
Well, no it’s not. The only thing that is going to change is that Erik and I will both have an untouchable bar that is that much closer. We won’t go out more, we’ll just not be going out closer to home more.
But we do like to kid ourselves and our wives like to let us pretend that we can tell them whatever we want, so we were both allowed to go check out a local establishment.
It sucked. Bad, loud music. Horrible atmosphere. No Golden Tee.
Three beers and a free shot later, it wasn’t so bad.
The bartender had asked us what we were doing and I said that Erik was new to the area and we were interviewing bars. She said, “What do you mean?” And I calmly replied, “Where do you see this bar in five years.” Well, she didn’t get the joke (no one has so far) and she thought I was asking her where she was going to be in five years. She immediately thought that I cared for more than her ass crack sticking out of her too small jeans and took a liking to us. She asked for our names and we did not lie.
Fifteen minutes (and that free shot) later, we shuffled out the door with promises to return. She said, “I’ll remember your names because D comes before E.”
D comes before E. For the next five years Erik and I will be debating why D coming before E is better and or worse for the other person. We laughed the entire .9 miles back to his house.
We found our bar.
Spelling (Update 1)
A few months ago I posted a Spelling List of words that my guys in the field (and I) spelled horribly wrong in e-mails and reports. A smattering of those might have been typos, but a majority were just blatent misspellings.
Six months later, we have an update to that list. Here is page two:
My favorite is either stike or chash.
Six months later, we have an update to that list. Here is page two:
My favorite is either stike or chash.
The made-up word story
Thanks to everyone who contributed to the Cratousum story. It turned out a bit dark as I have been listening to Margot non stop. See if you can find the words that are made up and the ones that are just horrifically misspelled.
Love without Definition
It was raining. Again. If this were a movie, you’d see the shadows of the rain on the windshield crossing my face. I turned the wipers on and the only good they did was to rhythmatically kick "The Girl from Ipanema" song that was dittyitising around in my skull. Now all I heard was the first stanza of “The Stroke” repeating over and over. The day was not going to get better. Thanks Billy Squire.
I drove off into the morning darkness. Though the sun was dragging itself up, it was getting darker. I reached up to the dash and put my hand on my kickidoe mounted next to the broken compass. It was a “Buddy Jesus” I bought after a murksom night of cable television. Glame, I know, but he always seemed to give me a sense of…
Shit
I slid sideways in the roadway as the breaks decided to work and then didn’t and then did. The car jumped and kicked itself straight.
Shit.
The 45MPH traffic had slowed to a crawl as some plippethead snailobily decided that 13 MPH would keep them from wrecking in the downpour. In trying to maintain safety, the goody two shoes almost caused a neekabaum. With the sudden stop and instant panic, I was about to have a neekabaum in my pants. I pulled into the berm and drove past 14 cars who only had time to honk once I passed them. I pulled into Jack and Jacks and smontelorped across the parking lot. The woman coming out of the front door decoded my walk and held the door for me.
In the bathroom, I barely got my pants down and speelisher on the toilet seat before I let loose with a rage that only a victim of Crone’s disease that had been pharmaphlarneffed 1500ml of prune juice extract would be able to withstand. My chest burned white hot. Sweat mixed with the rain on my face and I realized that I had left my inhaler at Jesse’s house in her kitcheneteria next to the half cup of coffee. The walls of the stall started closing in and I felt zoofloged and helpless.
I was fading. And I felt Jesse’s presence from the night before, her hair swuuuping across my legs. She was humming to herself.
The manager who called 911 later told me that he puked from the smell when he came into the bathroom and found me half in the stall and half on the floor. He told the paramedics it must have been mine. I can live with that.
Love without Definition
It was raining. Again. If this were a movie, you’d see the shadows of the rain on the windshield crossing my face. I turned the wipers on and the only good they did was to rhythmatically kick "The Girl from Ipanema" song that was dittyitising around in my skull. Now all I heard was the first stanza of “The Stroke” repeating over and over. The day was not going to get better. Thanks Billy Squire.
I drove off into the morning darkness. Though the sun was dragging itself up, it was getting darker. I reached up to the dash and put my hand on my kickidoe mounted next to the broken compass. It was a “Buddy Jesus” I bought after a murksom night of cable television. Glame, I know, but he always seemed to give me a sense of…
Shit
I slid sideways in the roadway as the breaks decided to work and then didn’t and then did. The car jumped and kicked itself straight.
Shit.
The 45MPH traffic had slowed to a crawl as some plippethead snailobily decided that 13 MPH would keep them from wrecking in the downpour. In trying to maintain safety, the goody two shoes almost caused a neekabaum. With the sudden stop and instant panic, I was about to have a neekabaum in my pants. I pulled into the berm and drove past 14 cars who only had time to honk once I passed them. I pulled into Jack and Jacks and smontelorped across the parking lot. The woman coming out of the front door decoded my walk and held the door for me.
In the bathroom, I barely got my pants down and speelisher on the toilet seat before I let loose with a rage that only a victim of Crone’s disease that had been pharmaphlarneffed 1500ml of prune juice extract would be able to withstand. My chest burned white hot. Sweat mixed with the rain on my face and I realized that I had left my inhaler at Jesse’s house in her kitcheneteria next to the half cup of coffee. The walls of the stall started closing in and I felt zoofloged and helpless.
I was fading. And I felt Jesse’s presence from the night before, her hair swuuuping across my legs. She was humming to herself.
The manager who called 911 later told me that he puked from the smell when he came into the bathroom and found me half in the stall and half on the floor. He told the paramedics it must have been mine. I can live with that.
WELCOME TO NEW IRAQ
I had a wonderful idea just the other day. It solves many problems and creates wealth, which we all know and love.
I’m sure most of us agree that we have fucked up Iraq and that there is really nothing we can do to fix it without continued blood shed on both sides. We can’t pull out because the minorities will be slaughtered and while that would have been easier to stand years ago, now with the slaughter happening LIVE on CNN, it makes it harder to ignore.
My plan is simple and genius.
Let’s carve out a chunk of the United States and give it to anyone in Iraq who wants to leave. Here is my 8 step plan.
1. ADVERTISE
Posters (as a bonus, bulletproof posters) will line the streets, telling Iraqis of a better life over the ocean. All they need to do is pack two bags each and prepare to leave on July 4th.
2. PREPARE THE LAND
Choose about 400 sq miles of hurricane devastated land in the United States and kick off the squatters. Set up temporary housing that was never used after Katrina. Build a wall around it. Erect the WELCOME TO NEW IRAQ sign. Dust off hands.
3. LOAD THE CARGO CONTAINERS
Iraqis will be loaded on to cargo containers and shipped to the states. As a bonus, video screens will simulate a porthole view of a ship passing by the statue of liberty. The video will repeat every 10 minutes.
4. PULL OUT OF IRAQ
Anyone left behind can deal with it.
5. LAND HO!
Dump off the Iraqis and hand them shovels and brooms to begin the clean-up. They will fill the now empty cargo containers with trash and the bodies of the people that didn’t handle the trip so well.
6. CLEAN AND BUILD
The Iraqis will be provided with food and shelter. They will be provided building materials and help to construct cities. Coincidentally, the cities will be near gas refineries and bio diesel plants that are also under construction.
7. PROFIT!
The Iraqis will build cities where they will live and work in harmony. Cheap labor will provide Americans with goods. As the older and bitter Iraqis die off from working in the refineries, the younger folks will be Americanized through the free MTV2 pumped into their homes. In twenty years, we can tear down the wall.
8. REPEAT?
Oh shit? During this time we went to war with Iran? Crap… OK, play old tapes of the Iraq/Iran war and use the young Iraqis as cannon fodder. Once New Iraq is empty, fill it with Iranians and change the last letter on the WELCOME TO NEW IRAQ sign.
I’m sure most of us agree that we have fucked up Iraq and that there is really nothing we can do to fix it without continued blood shed on both sides. We can’t pull out because the minorities will be slaughtered and while that would have been easier to stand years ago, now with the slaughter happening LIVE on CNN, it makes it harder to ignore.
My plan is simple and genius.
Let’s carve out a chunk of the United States and give it to anyone in Iraq who wants to leave. Here is my 8 step plan.
1. ADVERTISE
Posters (as a bonus, bulletproof posters) will line the streets, telling Iraqis of a better life over the ocean. All they need to do is pack two bags each and prepare to leave on July 4th.
2. PREPARE THE LAND
Choose about 400 sq miles of hurricane devastated land in the United States and kick off the squatters. Set up temporary housing that was never used after Katrina. Build a wall around it. Erect the WELCOME TO NEW IRAQ sign. Dust off hands.
3. LOAD THE CARGO CONTAINERS
Iraqis will be loaded on to cargo containers and shipped to the states. As a bonus, video screens will simulate a porthole view of a ship passing by the statue of liberty. The video will repeat every 10 minutes.
4. PULL OUT OF IRAQ
Anyone left behind can deal with it.
5. LAND HO!
Dump off the Iraqis and hand them shovels and brooms to begin the clean-up. They will fill the now empty cargo containers with trash and the bodies of the people that didn’t handle the trip so well.
6. CLEAN AND BUILD
The Iraqis will be provided with food and shelter. They will be provided building materials and help to construct cities. Coincidentally, the cities will be near gas refineries and bio diesel plants that are also under construction.
7. PROFIT!
The Iraqis will build cities where they will live and work in harmony. Cheap labor will provide Americans with goods. As the older and bitter Iraqis die off from working in the refineries, the younger folks will be Americanized through the free MTV2 pumped into their homes. In twenty years, we can tear down the wall.
8. REPEAT?
Oh shit? During this time we went to war with Iran? Crap… OK, play old tapes of the Iraq/Iran war and use the young Iraqis as cannon fodder. Once New Iraq is empty, fill it with Iranians and change the last letter on the WELCOME TO NEW IRAQ sign.
Darwin Robinette
Darwin Lee Robinette, 82, a longtime Rushville resident, died at 6:30 a.m. Thursday, May 10, 2007, at his home.
Darwin was the son of the late Orville and Gladys (Roebuck) Robinette.
He served in the U.S. Army during World War II and graduated from The Ohio State University with a bachelor's degree in aeronautical engineering.
He was recruited by North American Aviation as a flight test engineer working on the Vigilante, OV10A Bronco and the B1 Bomber.
Darwin was very involved with the Boy Scouts of America and was Troop Master of Troop 278 for 10 years.
He and his wife, Thelma, were the owners and operators of the Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Store in Lancaster for 30 years.
Surviving are his wife of 59 years, Thelma (Bliss) Robinette; three sons, Michael, Paul and Jon (Lauren) Robinette; three daughters, Peggy (James) DeJarnatt, Nan (Ralph) VanGundy and Jill (Kelly) Adams; 14 grandchildren; four great-grandchildren; a brother, Nolan Robinette; and a sister, Margaret (Richard) Hamilton.
In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by his brother, Howard Dale Robinette.
A celebration of life will be from 3 to 5 p.m. Saturday at the residence of Jill and Kelly Adams, 758 Schadel Drive N.W., Lancaster, OH 43130.
In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Alzheimer's Research in honor of Darwin Robinette, The Ohio State Medical Center of Develop-Ment, Fund 305835, P.O. Box 183112, Columbus, OH 43218-3112.
The family would like to express their heartfelt thanks to the AlternaCare and FairHoPe Hospice and Palliative Care, Inc. of Lancaster.
Bope-Thomas Funeral Home in Somerset is in charge of arrangements.
{Author's note: I worked at Baskin Robbins in Lancaster, OH in 1988 through 1991. Darwin (“D”) and his wife Thelma (“T”) were the owners of the store. Because I was 17 and didn’t know any better, I just thought he was just an old guy.
Looking back, I remember a very kind man with a terrific sense of humor. He was very patient with his hormone infused staff. He’d raise his voice when we did stupid stuff, but most the time he’d just roll his eyes.
One of Darwin's well known sayings was, "You've got time to lean, you've time to clean.}
Darwin was the son of the late Orville and Gladys (Roebuck) Robinette.
He served in the U.S. Army during World War II and graduated from The Ohio State University with a bachelor's degree in aeronautical engineering.
He was recruited by North American Aviation as a flight test engineer working on the Vigilante, OV10A Bronco and the B1 Bomber.
Darwin was very involved with the Boy Scouts of America and was Troop Master of Troop 278 for 10 years.
He and his wife, Thelma, were the owners and operators of the Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Store in Lancaster for 30 years.
Surviving are his wife of 59 years, Thelma (Bliss) Robinette; three sons, Michael, Paul and Jon (Lauren) Robinette; three daughters, Peggy (James) DeJarnatt, Nan (Ralph) VanGundy and Jill (Kelly) Adams; 14 grandchildren; four great-grandchildren; a brother, Nolan Robinette; and a sister, Margaret (Richard) Hamilton.
In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by his brother, Howard Dale Robinette.
A celebration of life will be from 3 to 5 p.m. Saturday at the residence of Jill and Kelly Adams, 758 Schadel Drive N.W., Lancaster, OH 43130.
In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Alzheimer's Research in honor of Darwin Robinette, The Ohio State Medical Center of Develop-Ment, Fund 305835, P.O. Box 183112, Columbus, OH 43218-3112.
The family would like to express their heartfelt thanks to the AlternaCare and FairHoPe Hospice and Palliative Care, Inc. of Lancaster.
Bope-Thomas Funeral Home in Somerset is in charge of arrangements.
{Author's note: I worked at Baskin Robbins in Lancaster, OH in 1988 through 1991. Darwin (“D”) and his wife Thelma (“T”) were the owners of the store. Because I was 17 and didn’t know any better, I just thought he was just an old guy.
Looking back, I remember a very kind man with a terrific sense of humor. He was very patient with his hormone infused staff. He’d raise his voice when we did stupid stuff, but most the time he’d just roll his eyes.
One of Darwin's well known sayings was, "You've got time to lean, you've time to clean.}
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