Thanks for the tip, Meshelle!
Pat Robertson calls for Primary votes of tornado dead not be counted
VIRGINIA BEACH
Later in the broadcast, during a Primary Day discussion, Robertson claimed that the voters in
“I know this is painful for the families to hear, but if you voted for anyone other than a Christian, you have accepted God’s wrath, and that's the way it is, period.”
Later in the broadcast, Robertson clarified his position stating that while the votes of the deceased should count now, “…it will be very hard for them to vote in the election in November.”
How to write a “Let’s Get a Drink Letter”
Getting your lame ass friends out to get a drink can be a real problem. As I am an expert in this, let me help you to convince your friends to go out and grab a beer with you and possibly end up at the nudie bar.
Dear (insert friends’ names individually or use a small penis referenced general greeting to all),
I Introduction: Say hello to friends with a short passage about how things are going and how much work is a pain. Continue with discussing the weather and how Spring is in the air. Transition to paragraph two with a suggestion of how getting together would be a fine idea.
II The pitch: Sell the "drinking with friends tonight" idea. Ask when was the last time you saw each other and describe about the time when XXX got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Cuba with a 14 year old prostitute. Question their loyalty to work and suggest that puking at the 10:00am daily meeting is perfectly normal. Finish the paragraph with telling everyone that you plan to meet at (no later than 3:00pm) on (any day of week as long as there is one hour notice) at (insert local bar with Tavern or House in the name.) Suggest they bring a hot, unmarried friend who has a drinking problem and can't remember the name Doug or how bad he is in the sack.
III Sell! Sell! Sell! : Guilt them into submission by telling them that (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) will be joining the festivities. If they don't know who (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) is, fuck them. Make those cock sucking, sons of bitches regret that they ever crossed your path if they don't show up and I don't give a fucking shit if American Idol is on boo hoo fucking hoo.
IV Relax: Remind them again of the time and the place. Tell them that Doug will actually be there on time. Lie to them again by saying that Doug will buy the first round.
V Summation: Make up some lie about (single guy friend) finally getting engaged so that they really want to show up and see if it is true or not. Thank them for their time and tell them how you can't wait to see them tomorrow night.
Salutation:
Your name with nickname in "quotations"
Fake cell phone number just so they can't call to tell you they aren't coming (use the 555 in the phone number just to cheese them off.)
PS Quirky statement about something you forgot to say above but then by saying it, brings the whole letter to a close.
PSS Funnier statement about the PS above but with additional information about Greg's limited manhood girth.
Dear (insert friends’ names individually or use a small penis referenced general greeting to all),
I Introduction: Say hello to friends with a short passage about how things are going and how much work is a pain. Continue with discussing the weather and how Spring is in the air. Transition to paragraph two with a suggestion of how getting together would be a fine idea.
II The pitch: Sell the "drinking with friends tonight" idea. Ask when was the last time you saw each other and describe about the time when XXX got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Cuba with a 14 year old prostitute. Question their loyalty to work and suggest that puking at the 10:00am daily meeting is perfectly normal. Finish the paragraph with telling everyone that you plan to meet at (no later than 3:00pm) on (any day of week as long as there is one hour notice) at (insert local bar with Tavern or House in the name.) Suggest they bring a hot, unmarried friend who has a drinking problem and can't remember the name Doug or how bad he is in the sack.
III Sell! Sell! Sell! : Guilt them into submission by telling them that (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) will be joining the festivities. If they don't know who (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) is, fuck them. Make those cock sucking, sons of bitches regret that they ever crossed your path if they don't show up and I don't give a fucking shit if American Idol is on boo hoo fucking hoo.
IV Relax: Remind them again of the time and the place. Tell them that Doug will actually be there on time. Lie to them again by saying that Doug will buy the first round.
V Summation: Make up some lie about (single guy friend) finally getting engaged so that they really want to show up and see if it is true or not. Thank them for their time and tell them how you can't wait to see them tomorrow night.
Salutation:
Your name with nickname in "quotations"
Fake cell phone number just so they can't call to tell you they aren't coming (use the 555 in the phone number just to cheese them off.)
PS Quirky statement about something you forgot to say above but then by saying it, brings the whole letter to a close.
PSS Funnier statement about the PS above but with additional information about Greg's limited manhood girth.
Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend
Dear HolyJuan,
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
Every Burger: Yum of delicious taste testing
We head out once a month to the local Chinese buffet for lunch. Right next door to the buffet is a conveniently located Chinese grocery store that sells stuff like wax berries, dried ginger and Every Burger. Today, we will test the Every Burger on the unsuspecting Erik, who was unable to make it to lunch.
Every Burger Box (front)
This looks harmless… and it looks like whatever is in there, there are two of them.
Every Burger Box (back)
Looks like we have been tricked as this is a product of Japan. Oh well. The first two ingredients are flour and sugar, we believe our hero is safe. But wait? What's this?
Rapeseed Oil? Gross. Good thing it is only mildly toxic to humans.
Upon opening the box we find two foil sealed packets and some kind of warning on the flap.
I had my good friend Arata Isozaki translate the text on the flap.
Opening the foil reveals… eight, cute little burgers!
This photo illustrates the smallness of the burger and the largeness of the hair on Erik’s arm which migrated down from his scalp.
Erik eats the burger and to his delight…
IT’S DELICIOUS!
They taste like Kit-Kats with a slightly gritty, but inoffensive, texture.
Thanks Erik! And thank you to the Mid-Ohio Poison Control and Stomach Pumping Facility.
NEXT WEEK: Taint Berries
Every Burger Box (front)
This looks harmless… and it looks like whatever is in there, there are two of them.
Every Burger Box (back)
Looks like we have been tricked as this is a product of Japan. Oh well. The first two ingredients are flour and sugar, we believe our hero is safe. But wait? What's this?
Rapeseed Oil? Gross. Good thing it is only mildly toxic to humans.
Upon opening the box we find two foil sealed packets and some kind of warning on the flap.
I had my good friend Arata Isozaki translate the text on the flap.
Opening the foil reveals… eight, cute little burgers!
This photo illustrates the smallness of the burger and the largeness of the hair on Erik’s arm which migrated down from his scalp.
Erik eats the burger and to his delight…
IT’S DELICIOUS!
They taste like Kit-Kats with a slightly gritty, but inoffensive, texture.
Thanks Erik! And thank you to the Mid-Ohio Poison Control and Stomach Pumping Facility.
NEXT WEEK: Taint Berries
Venus al la Orange
I took this photo in 1993 in Valencia Spain. Someone stuck two oranges on top this statue.
Let me tell you first hand that the oranges directly from the trees in Valencia taste like crap.
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