Jung Personality Test Results - AHOL

I took a Jung Typology “personality test” and as it turns out they sum your life up in four letters. Here’s mine:

AHOL - "Egotistical Bastard". Extroverted, self-intellectual with a preference for telling others what their opinion is. A self loving hater and a destroyer of relationships. Fortunately, they only encompass only 0.02% of total population.

To outsiders, AHOLs may appear to project an aura of "egotistical bastardness", of complete self-confidence. This incredibly over the top self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for complicated arrogance by idiots, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most AHOLs start building right after the loss of virginity. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and AHOLs can have several (they know everything you do not)-- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, which they can’t because you are a complete mess. AHOLs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know, which is nothing.

AHOLs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest as long as they get something out of it. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is other people holding them back. You, especially.

AHOLs are known as the "Mind Fuck" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of cock blockedness and ruthless despair. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this though a verbal beat down; AHOLs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. In other words, you are dumb and you should get the fuck out of his way.

Probably the strongest AHOL assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to make others feel like complete idiots. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated verbal taunts, sketches of private parts and e-mails of a highly improper nature.

Is your Gay product guaranteed?

Don't be fooled by non-Gay products! Fill your mouth with the Safe, Sanitary and Sterilized Gay product. If it's not guaranteed... it's not Gay!

Finally! A "Do Not Disturb" sign made just for me.

Contemporary Insantiy: Renovated, Invigorated and as Fresh as a Walk Down a Dirt Lane in Spring with Your Mom as Curtains Billow in the Background

Brandon is back from his eight week internship in Lagula, Uganda and the first thing he did (right after getting the twenty or so Bot Flies removed from his flesh) was to get his site Contemporary Insanity back up and running.

I highly suggest you go check it out. (And look up Bot Fly while you are at it so you can get COMPLETELY grossed out.)

If you remember, Contemporary Insanity was the first site to have full video of Jon Stewart's CNN Crossfire Appearance and will be the first site to have coverage of the 2010 Psychic and Mindreaders Convention building collapse.

Ask HolyJuan: Movie Food

Dear Holy Juan~

Since we have lately been on the topic of food, I am curious as to which food is the best to purchase at movie theatres. They have Dots, they have Junior Mints, they have Red Vines, and a plethora of other odd food items. My closest friend tells me that Junior Mints are popular because people want to have fresh breath after the movie so they can get laid.

I eagerly await your wisdom on this topic.

~Marcie
dogsdontpurr.com


Dear ~Marcie,

The correct answer is Swedish Fish.



And you do not need fresh breath if you are getting a blow job (the sex act of choice for the movie theatre) or if you are giving one, mints make for a “OH MY GOD MY DICK IS BURNING!!” which when uttered in the theatre, sometimes causes a fuss.

I hope this helps!

Your friend,

HolyJuan

Jesus at the Pool

Styling - With Mr. T

Mr. T shows us why most history books skip the years 1984 - 1987.

I also like at the end when Mr. T threatens the fashion designers with cannibalism.

Canidates for Change

Ask HolyJuan: Buttered Bun Etiquette

Dear Holy Juan~

Clearly you are the master of the answers. But this one might be kind of tricky, since I don't know if you cook. But my question is this: when you make hamburgers, do you toast and butter the bun, just toast the bun (no butter), or do you just use a raw bun out of the bag? What is the proper hamburger bun etiquette?

I eagerly await your answer.

Thanks!
~Marcie


Dear ~Marcie,

Thank you very much for the question… and while you are at it why don’t you STICK A KNIFE OF PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATES INTO MY HEART!!!!

Do I cook? No. I do not because I am on a complete raw diet. Raw vegetables. Raw fruit. Raw meat. All meals, all the time.

Buns… ha! I call them processed wheat whore pucks.
Butter… ha! I call it raped cow feltching.
Hamburger… ha! You might as well be sucking the decayed meat off a three day old cadaver.

You “Americans” have no “idea” what “real” “food” is.

If you want a hamburger with a buttered bun, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a field where are female cow is grazing on wheat. Pluck some wheat from Mother Earth. Stealthily now… pinch the cow behind her left rear leg at the knee… this will calm her. Now, wrap the wheat around her bulging udder, overlapping the stalk and chaff. Steady now… bite her udder through the wheat. The natural desensitizing nature of the wheat and the pressure at the knee will keep her from feeling the flesh torn from her udder. I suggest 3 -4 chomps.

Now, run!!

That chewing action in your mouth full of wheat, meat and milk along with the jostling as you run from the braying cow will cause the milk to separate into curds and whey. Use your tongue to separate the two. That is your butter. That is your hamburger. That is your bread.

And yes, you are welcome.


{If you have a question that needs answered, e-mail me at holyjuan@gmail.com.}

How to ruin your life

So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:

Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.

Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.

Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.

If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.

“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”

Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.

Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.

Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:

114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop

Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!

Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?

It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”

And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.

/gquit

Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.

You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.

Step nine: Get married
Obvious.

Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!

Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.

Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)

So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.

Note to self: buy Twizzlers.