10. The Bramble Trailer
There is some money to be made in Columbus by hauling
branches in a rickety, old two-wheeled trailer that looks to be made of twigs
itself. In going from the location where the branches were picked up to the
inevitable illegal dumping location where they were supposed to end, the
two-wheel trailer becomes a one-wheeled trailer and winds up alone in the road.
This will cause traffic to stop as people stop to admire how well the sticks
were packed into the one-wheel trailer.
9. Red, White, and Boom
There will never be a traffic jam before Columbus’ annual 4th
of July event because people will start arriving two months ahead of time to
stake out property. Fortunately, Columbus outlawed barbed wire in 1998. But
after the event… it’s like taking three Polaris Amphitheater traffic jams
(Polaris Amphitheater traffic jams were #11 on the list) and cramming them into
very large bagpipe and sitting on it, slowly. The easiest way to get out of
Red, White, and Boom is to fake a heart attack and get Life-Flighted out.
8. Dead X on road
Columbus has dead things on the road. Usually one every thirty feet. They range from small
dead things to really big dead things. Sometimes they are not dead things, but
are soon after you hit them. The reaction to a dead thing in the road, by of a small percentage of Columbus
drivers, is to come to a complete stop, put on their blinker, and wait for rush hour
traffic to clear up so they can change lanes and go around the dead X.
7. and 6. Ohio State Football Games (tie)
These get you coming and going. Going early doesn’t help.
Leaving early doesn’t help. Taking an Uber is very unhelpful in either direction. You can only
avoid this by walking there and then stumbling home. Another good work around
is to fake a heart attack in Dublin and have them Life Flight you to the OSU Richard
M. Ross Heart Hospital and as they roll you in, say you need to step out for a
smoke.
5. Not a pothole
Columbus drivers are familiar with driving over potholes.
When they come to a stretch of road without a pothole, then panic and swerve.
This will cause accidents and traffic jams.
4. Nothing
Columbus is well known for the traffic jams that cause all
lanes to come to a halt. For traffic to surge a few times and come back to a
halt. Then right when you expect to see a bramble trailer or dead x, it opens
up and traffic goes back up to the normal 45 – 87mph.
3. Rubber Necking
C is for cookie. It’s also for curious. People in Columbus
are a curious folk. If they see a flashing light, or pulled over car, or even
another traffic jam, we need to slow down and investigate: “Is that someone I
know? What car were they driving? I bet they were texting.” And because we
can’t do two things at once, Columbus drivers have to slow down to be curious.
I hear tell of a rubber necking traffic jam in 2014 that had a domino effect all
the way around 270, both directions. In the end, a group of construction
workers had to lift one car up and out and throw it over the 270 Dublin bridge
to create space so that all the other cars could get by.
2. Rain
Someday, we will learn to drive in the rain and Columbus
will be as popular as Chicago or Miami. Until then, when it rains, we drive
poor.
1. Everyone Else
Everyone else in Columbus is a bad driver but you. No one
else knows how to drive in Columbus but you. Everyone either drives too fast or
too slow and that when you go over the speed limit it is just the right amount.
You pay the exact right attention and you don’t look at your phone for too long
like other people do. And on the day that you do get into an accident and cause
a traffic job, it most certainly will not be your fault.
