Can you believe this product?

Miss Shelly saw this in a magazine, thought of me and cut it out. Thanks…

A drop of this miracle liquid in the toilet bowl is reported supposed to cover up 98% of bathroom stank.

First off, I have never tried the product and won’t, so I cannot give you an honest opinion (the shit might just work.) If you want a review, Chris Rockwell over at www.poopreport.com did an in depth study of the product. He has a theory about floating poop.

Second, how do you come up with a percentage of bathroom stink and then rate it on a scale? Here’s what I think… what they did was load up the fattest guy in the manufacturing plant with cabbage and white castles, had him drink draught beer for a day, killed him in the bathroom, let him sit for a week and then let his bowels loose with a whaling harpoon. Three independent judges in the bathroom would consider that smell 100% stink and judged other stanks based on the memory of that smell.

Third, even though it comes with a concealing carrying case, if you got caught with this product, it would be 1000x worse than having people call you out on your stinky poop. It’s like getting caught with Masturbation Wipes.

A few years ago, we had some clients in from California for a meeting in our one bathroomed, studio. One of the guys was not doing so well and hot sweat poured off his brow as his guts gurgled and churned. He called for a break and staggered off to the bathroom. The bathroom door only acted as an amplifier and the studio shook and reverberated as his bowels unclenched. The reek was horrific and every non-essential team member left for lunch at 10:00am. Holly did her best to cover the smell by lighting a coffee scented candle that had sat on her desk for the past two years. It had a layer of dust on it three inches deep that was stuffed in the protective plastic coating. She lit it anyways. The perfect storm of shit smell, burning dust, melting plastic and fake coffee came together and drifted up to the front of the office. Somehow the mingled, gas chamber combination made it to the meeting room and it smelled like burning wood. Actually, a pleasant smell. In some circles, it is still considered a miracle.

So unless this product can combine the essence of dust carbon, melting plastic and faux coffee… I ain’t buying it.

Bathroom Trickery

I poop. Sometimes at work. Sometimes it is pretty stinky.

My office is in a building where other guys use the bathroom too. Enough so that every other time I use the bathroom, there is a good chance that someone is going to be in there when I walk in or come in right as I am walking out. Our bathroom only has one pisser and one shitter so it is pretty close quarters in there.

Every guy in the building knows that there are other stinky poopy other in the building. When you find one, you mention it to your other guy buddies. They usually have a story about the stinky guy.

I do not want to be known as the stinky guy.

Sometimes after a night out with Shorty and a quick stop at White Castle, I am the stinky guy the next day. To combat this, I have a simple regiment.

If I walk in and someone is at the pisser, I act as if I am going into the stall just to pee. When they leave, I let loose and get the hell out. Chances are no one will be coming in as I am leaving. The next guy that walks in gets a surprise and can only place the blame on who he and his buddies think the stinky guy is.

If I walk in and the bathroom is empty, I try to get in and get out. If someone starts walking it, I move my feet as far as possible to the side so that they cannot see my shoes. Shoes are the dead giveaway. You’ll be walking down the hall and see a guy with brown loafers with the dangly things on them and realize he was the stinky guy from last week. I wear converse so I’m easily spotted. Keep quiet. Keep shoes far to the side. Wait till they leave. Wait thirty seconds. Run!

Now, here’s the tricky one. If I walk in and no one is in there, I drop trough and listen for guys walking in. If I finish before anyone walks in, odds suggest that someone will be coming in any second. I stand up, walk to the urinal and fake pee for a few seconds. If someone walks in to the cloud of retch, I can act as if I am just an innocent pisser who walked into an all ready polluted bathroom. You share a half second of silent sorrow with the guy who walked in, wash up and leave. Let him take the blame.

If you are the stinky guy, don’t even try this. We all ready know who you are. Please continue to take the blame for us other schmucks and continue to wear those awful brown loafers.

(And to you women who claim this article doesn't apply to you, you are wrong. If you have to poop, poop in the men's bathroom. Problem solved.)