Faking an orgasm is a necessity in any relationship. Sometimes you need to get to sleep, get to work or get the babysitter home. Most people are used to the "Yes, yes yes!!" fake orgasm and can see right through it. You need something a little more creative. In the midst of inconclusive passion, use one of these tactics to wrap things up and get on with watching the Daily Show.
1. The Silent Stop
Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”
2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.
3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.
4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.
5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.
Showing posts with label orgasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label orgasm. Show all posts
Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it
Dear HolyJuan,
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.
Signed,
Fake Name
Dear Fake Name,
I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.
Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.
One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.
Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.
Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.
Take care,
HJ
PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.
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