How to Write Your Own Kick Ass Obituary

Let's be honest, most obituaries are not all that good. The worst part about them is that you are never around to read your own obit and see what a great person you were. Here are some great ideas if you want an exciting obituary that everyone will enjoy reading. As a bonus, you can get even with the people that made fun of you in high school and make a few bucks.

1. Write your own obituary
It is imperative that you write your own obituary or have a trusted friend do it BEFORE you die. If you do not, your Aunt (who has her own blog and fancies herself as a “writer”) will type it up and it will suck and you’ll be stuck with an awful summation of your life.

Once you do finish writing your own obit, make sure you send a draft copy out to all your family and friends so that they can miss you while you are still alive. They will then have the opportunity to pay to be included in the obituary (see section #5) or pay to be excluded from the obituary (see section #8.)

2. Don't give them the satisfaction
Most people will suggest you start off an obit with the person’s name, the date they died and how they died. I suggest you start off with “You are not going to believe this!” or “Guess what that fat f*ck Bob did now” or “You were right.” Don't include your age so that your friends don't get the satisfaction of outliving you.

3. Doug who?
No one knows you by your real name so why die by that name? Nicknames that were used independently of your name go in quotation marks in the middle of your real name.

Robert “Stacks” Gutfruend

Joan “Cookie Monster” McCreedy

Nicknames that were part of your job or the reason you went to jail go before your real name:

“Handsy” Jim Handland

“Luscious Diamond” Tina Ralph

“Tea-Bag” Bill Billingsworth

Or if you don’t want anyone to know you died, just post a fake nickname.

John “Two-Sack” Christopher

If you didn’t have a nickname in real life, make sure you make one up or tell your obit writer your suggestions before you die. And don’t post your middle name. We’re not monogramming a sweater here.

4. Rhyming and haikus make for great obituaries

I suggest trying them together.

You smoked like a fire
Now you're atop a pyre
No flowers please, Thanks!

5. No one cares
No one cares about who died before you or how many cousins you have that are still alive. If your relatives want in your obit, charge them $5 - $10 a mention.

No one cares where you went to school or where you earned your associates degree. List your favorite bars or hang outs. People are more likely to remember Johnny “Cantaloupes” Mullroy from the bowling alley, rather than a graduate of Lancaster High School class of 1988. (Go Gales!)

6. People like excitement
Don’t die of cancer. Die of a space borne alien parasite.

Don’t die in a car accident. Get hit by a meteorite.

Die a hero (stolen from Royal Tennebaums) "Died Tragically Rescuing his Family From the Wreckage of a Destroyed Sinking Battleship."

And do not fail to give a reason for why you died or people will assume it was from something embarrassing. Everyone knows that a non-mention means "bled to death from a masturbation accident."

7. Get donations now
There are services that will “loan’ you a lump sum of money now and get that money back when you die through the "Please donate to" charity suggested in the obituary. The loan companies have names like, “The Amerikan Heart Foundation” and “The Redd Cross” and “Amway.” At the bottom of your obit, have money sent to them in lieu of flowers. If you can’t come up with enough donations to cover your loan, they will take your suit/dress, coffin and body parts to make up the difference.

8. Let those jerks have it
An Obituary is the perfect time to get back at all the people who have pissed you off your entire life. Being dead is the perfect cover for a lie or to let out a really stinky truth. Here are a few examples:

-I never loved you (insert family member’s name here.)

-Coach Rogers touched me on my pee pee after baseball practice.

-I had herpes. Now I have worms.

-Aunt Tina, I was and always will be a Red Sox fan.

-My G-mail and MySpace password is clicktowin34. Go ahead and read my e-mails, honey.

This is also a perfect opportunity for relatives to make “pre-donations” to be excluded from this portion of the obituary. For $10 now, Uncle Bob won't get outted. For $50 neither will your Uncle Lou whom you found with Uncle Bob.

Here is my Obituary, just so you know:

Doug “Holyjuan” Messerschmit

Well, you can all stop placing your bets. Doug is dead. You won’t see him at B-Hampton’s or at Skully’s anymore, but you can see him Ray’s Funeral Home this Wednesday from 6 – 8pm. The parts of his body that were not destroyed when he dove on top the improvised nuclear device and thus saved the city will be on display. HolyJuan liked to dance poorly, drink quickly, tell the same stories and flirt with the ladies. He owned two bowling shirts and 12 pairs of Converse. He is survived by his parents ($20) and one sister ($5.) Donations can be made to the American Kancer Society and my brother used to stick Legos in my butt while I slept.

How to show up late to work, leave early and get away with it.

It’s easy to show up late to work and leave early if you follow these simple tips.

Clandestine Closet
You’ll need to find a closet near the front door or secret side door where you can hide “late” supplies and hang your jacket. I suggest keeping a stack of papers or some blue prints in there. When you slide in late, hang up your coat so that people don’t see you with your jacket on. Grab a stack of stuff and complain about the Gibson account to whomever you see.


Computer On
Always leave your computer and monitor on. Disable the screen saver or make your screen saver a full sized image of an Excel spreadsheet. Make sure you keep several programs open. I know I’m going to Environmental Hell for this one, but a few dollars of electricity a week is totally worth the extra sleep you will get.


Double Coats/Sweatshirts
When you leave work at night (or hopefully in the early afternoon) leave a spare jacket or sweatshirt on the back of your chair. Turn the chair slightly out as if you just stood up and plan to come back. If you’re leaving early, people will think you are coming back. If you are showing up late, people will think you've beaten them to the office and are at an early meeting. This especially works well if your computer is on.


Call Your Desk Phone and Hang Up After One Ring

If your co-workers hear your phone ringing off the hook, they will know you are not at your desk. When you leave early for the day, call in to your desk and hang up. With a subliminal one or two rings every twenty minutes, your boss will think you are answering calls and running errands, you multi-tasker you!

Office Pool
If you are just rolling in at 10:00am and need to trick your boss into thinking that you have been in the office all morning, utilize the Office Pool. Get a box top from some copier paper and throw whatever change and bills you have in it. Make sure you have a pen and piece of paper with writing on it (bonus points for a clipboard.) Pop in your boss’ office and tell him you are collecting money for Betty in Custodial’s pregnancy and that he is the last one on the list. Your boss will pretend like they know about Betty’s bastard child and wish her the best. “Check” his name off the list and say you will give your best to Betty. Spend boss’ cash later that afternoon at the bar with a toast to Betty’s soon-to-be-announced and soon-to-be-office-pool-money-collected miscarriage.

Copier Problems
Having a small bag of toner around can be useful for staging a “copier blow-up.” As you get into work, rub some on your face and sprinkle some on your hidden stash of papers. Make sure you ask if anyone has seen the copier guy. You can spend hours searching for the right “Drum and Blade Kit.”

Trick Away E-mail
Your e-mail probably has an “away” setting in which a return e-mail message is sent out during times when you are on an actual vacation. I suggest creating a fake email that makes it look like your email was bounced back to the sender. Something like:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification.

Unable to deliver message to the following recipients {your email address here}, because the message was forwarded more than the maximum allowed times. This could indicate a mail loop.

Change your settings so that this e-mail is sent out to every email, every time. Make sure you invite the IT guy out to get drinks so that he has your back.

Faux Work Keys
You know all those keys you have in the kitchen drawer? Spend 99 cents on a package of colorful key organizational toppers and create a ring of keys that looks official. Leave them on your desk. If they get stolen, no problem! Otherwise, people will assume you are at the office and locked in a utility closet on the second floor. Besides, everyone knows that people who have keys are important.

The Call In
Ensure that on your desk is a red file marked “Princeton Account.” Fill it with some official bullshit paperwork. If you are running late, call in to your boss’ secretary and have them “look up” some information in that folder for a meeting you are at. Make sure you whisper in the phone like you just stepped out of said meeting. Also make sure there is a twenty dollar bill in the very back of it in case you need to bribe the secretary into reading the same bullshit document for the fourth time.

Full Cup of Coffee
No one, not even the laziest person, will leave a full cup of coffee at their desk. Take the top off your Starbucks so that the fullness is apparent. For the very clever, make a fake whipped topping with some insulation foam and white paint. Stick it on top the coffee for added effect. With that sitting on your desk, everyone stopping by will assume you have just stepped away.

Invite!
Quit being a chump and sneaking around the office! Invite everyone out for a 3:00pm drink at the local bar. Buy the first round. Be a hero. Then, fake a phone call from your sick aunt and get the hell away from your stuck up co-workers.

How to Tell if a Woman is Crazy

Despite what you may believe, most women are not crazy. In fact, they probably have their shit together more than you. But for those of you who do find yourself in a situation with a woman who you think might be a whack job, here's how you can tell.

1. Hair past her ass
Super long hair is a dead giveaway. Either she's a religious nut or just has WAY too much time to wash and dry it. No woman should spend that much time on her hair just to straighten out the split ends. And nothing says stay away like a six foot long, fat-ass braid. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if she can strangle you with it, it's too long.

2. Wants sex all the time
Every guy dreams about it, but you never hear about anyone surviving it. 98% of sex is convincing a woman to sleep with your unhealthy, hairy ass. If she wants it all the time, it's no longer a challenge, and you stop wanting it. Then she starts to accuse you of cheating, shortly after which comes the Phil Hartman afternoon dirt nap.

3. Crazy Eyes or never blinks
If you can see the entire pupil plus a good bit of white around it, she's crazy. If she doesn't ever blink, that's not right. If she blinks all the time, that's just as screwed up. It’s sexy if one eye is a different color, but if she has a glass eye with no pupil, check her for a knife and duck out the back door.

4. Talks about husband in the past tense
It's a good idea to stay away from married women. It's a really good idea to get as far away as possible from soon-to-be widows.

5. Doesn't talk
You may think it is sexy for a woman at a party to stare you down across the room, walk over and grab your hand, lead you to an empty bedroom and blow you. I guarantee the reason she is not talking is because she doesn't have any teeth or she doesn't have any vagina. Trust me, most transgender dudes don't have much to say... on the first date.

6. Smokes Capris
Trust me. Crazy.

7. She's Conservative
No woman should be Conservative. It just ain't right. Conservative woman have to be subservient to their husbands, and no woman should have to do that. Let's face it, you'd have to be completely fucking crazy to let a man run your life.

8. Has kids, but never mentions them
Every non-crazy woman is in love with her kids. A cheating woman will still lie in bed with her cheat and talk about her kids. If a woman is silent about her kids, it's because her brakes are about to fail near a river. Avoid.

9. Drinks vodka tonic without tonic
I like a woman that drinks. I don't like a woman that can drink more than me. If she's drinking straight from a bottle, you'd best stay away. Also be on the lookout for any woman who has a whole box of wine in the fridge and is brewing beer in a bag in the basement.

10. Laughs. All the time.
Most funny women are at least half-crazy. Women shouldn't have to tell jokes to get attention because they have boobs for that. If a woman tells jokes to get laughs, she's mostly crazy. If all she does is laugh and especially in a barking laugh, she's just plain crazy. But now that I think about it, I'd rather deal with a crazy woman than a half crazy one. At least with a crazy woman, you know what you're getting into. There's something to be said for predictability.

11. She looks like this:

HolyJuan's How To: Make coffee at work

We have free coffee at work. While I appreciate the sentiment, the instant coffee concentrate mixed with tepid water doesn't quite cut it. Luckily, Erik told me about a simple plastic device that will brew a single cup of coffee without the need for a large machine that would probably start a fire when I forget to turn it off.


Here's what you will need:

-individual coffee filter holder plastic funnel thingy
-no. 2 coffee filter (unbleached)
-coffee
-coffee cup (huge size)
-cold water and a time machine or hot water
-level
-Tupperware container

Insert filter into filter holder. It will never exactly conform to the holder so just live with it.


Fill filter with coffee. Use the amount as instructed on the side of the can:


Then add three times that amount:


I like a huge cup of coffee and as you can see the filter holder is too small to fit over the rim of the cup.


I'm noticing that the cup is dirty from my previous cup of coffee I drank last week. Let me take that to the photoshop sink and wash it out:


Take the level and put it over the huge cup. Because the level is unlevel, you'll need to set the opposite end on the empty Tupperware container.


Set your filter, filled with coffee grounds, on the level over the huge coffee cup:


Go back in time four minutes and boil a large cup of water in the microwave for four minutes. Ensure you use Styrofoam to boil your water as the fluorocarbons give the coffee a nice cancery flavor.


Pour the hot water into the filter and make sure it goes though the hole in the level and into the cup. Now is about the time you find out if your level has a hole in it or not.


Mine has a hole in it and the cup below is filling up:


Oh shit! GO back in time again and make sure your cup is big enough to hold all the hot water you just dumped in the filter holder. *BZAP* I'm back and my cup is big enough. You might not be able to dump all the hot water in the filter at once so be patient and watch how the hot water and coffee grounds interact. What images to you see in the grounds? A wave? A woman's face? THE DEVIL?


Relax...Enjoy!

How to write a “Let’s Get a Drink Letter”

Getting your lame ass friends out to get a drink can be a real problem. As I am an expert in this, let me help you to convince your friends to go out and grab a beer with you and possibly end up at the nudie bar.

Dear (insert friends’ names individually or use a small penis referenced general greeting to all),

I Introduction: Say hello to friends with a short passage about how things are going and how much work is a pain. Continue with discussing the weather and how Spring is in the air. Transition to paragraph two with a suggestion of how getting together would be a fine idea.

II The pitch: Sell the "drinking with friends tonight" idea. Ask when was the last time you saw each other and describe about the time when XXX got alcohol poisoning and woke up in Cuba with a 14 year old prostitute. Question their loyalty to work and suggest that puking at the 10:00am daily meeting is perfectly normal. Finish the paragraph with telling everyone that you plan to meet at (no later than 3:00pm) on (any day of week as long as there is one hour notice) at (insert local bar with Tavern or House in the name.) Suggest they bring a hot, unmarried friend who has a drinking problem and can't remember the name Doug or how bad he is in the sack.

III Sell! Sell! Sell! : Guilt them into submission by telling them that (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) will be joining the festivities. If they don't know who (friend who hasn’t been out in a while) is, fuck them. Make those cock sucking, sons of bitches regret that they ever crossed your path if they don't show up and I don't give a fucking shit if American Idol is on boo hoo fucking hoo.

IV Relax: Remind them again of the time and the place. Tell them that Doug will actually be there on time. Lie to them again by saying that Doug will buy the first round.

V Summation: Make up some lie about (single guy friend) finally getting engaged so that they really want to show up and see if it is true or not. Thank them for their time and tell them how you can't wait to see them tomorrow night.

Salutation:

Your name with nickname in "quotations"

Fake cell phone number just so they can't call to tell you they aren't coming (use the 555 in the phone number just to cheese them off.)

PS Quirky statement about something you forgot to say above but then by saying it, brings the whole letter to a close.

PSS Funnier statement about the PS above but with additional information about Greg's limited manhood girth.

How to ruin your life

So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:

Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.

Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.

Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.

If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.

“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”

Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.

Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.

Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:

114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop

Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!

Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?

It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”

And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.

/gquit

Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.

You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.

Step nine: Get married
Obvious.

Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!

Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.

Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)

So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.

Note to self: buy Twizzlers.