Limbaugh Diagnosis: Heart is Actually a Bile Creating, Dark Mass

Honolulu (HJ) -- Tests that were performed on Rush Limbaugh after he was admitted to a Hawaii hospital for chest pains "found absolutely nothing wrong," the conservative talk show host said Friday. As a matter of fact, doctors found absolutely nothing that resembled a heart. Senior cardiologist Dr. Mark Hudson explained, “While we believe the pain was caused by an arterial spasm, the arteries in Limbaugh do not come from a “heart,” but rather a large, dark mass that resembles a secondary liver. It is lumpy with some fleshy out-shoots that mimic non-functionality of the appendix.”

Limbaugh said his ordeal started Wednesday afternoon, when he began experiencing pain in his upper left chest "like I've never experienced before."

Dr. Hudson shared, “Once in the hospital, we performed an angiogram that revealed no evidence of arterial or coronary disease. We believe this is due to the large amount of bitter bile that is created by the secondary liver.” Dr. Hudson continued, “We believe that this bile is created in Limbaugh’s “heart” and transported throughout his body in a similar fashion as blood is delivered in humans. The bile is then transported to the lungs where it is mixed with an intake of oxygen and then the waste bile is expelled out the mouth.”

The cause of his pain -- which he called "real" -- has not been determined. It is possible that during Rush’s vacation, there was a build-up of bile that could not be released in the normal fashion during his radio program.

He was discharged from the hospital Friday, bile spewing from his mouth as always. "The treatment I received here was the best that the world has to offer," he said. "I don't think there's one thing wrong with the American health care system. It is working just fine. You should all fly to Hawaii and get your treatment here. I can also suggest some great pharmacies in New York, Florida, California and several other states."

Limbaugh's radio show is broadcast on more than 600 stations and is heard by more than 13.5 million listeners each week.

Congratulations Karen and Chris!!

Congratulations go out to Karen and Chris on the birth of their third child, Colin Michael. Anymore, when someone begins to relate a birth story, I quickly pull out several small pieces of scotch tape and adhere my eyeballs in the down position to keep them from rolling back in my head. Everyone’s got a birth story that can be summed up in four sentences, but most drag it out to Aeneid proportions.

Fortunately, Chris is a man a very few words and Karen is the model of efficiency. Here is their birth story in his words:
• Karen's water breaks at 2am in the morning
• Arrive at birth center at 3am
• 1 hour and 4 heavy pushes later, Colin Michael is born at 4:04am
• Home for breakfast and introductions to his brothers at 7:30am

That’s right folks… from water breaking back to home: Five and one half hours. I guess the hospital makes you wait for a minimum of two hours and they ensure that the baby is feeding.

But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about this photo:


You tell me, who looks worse for the wear? I guess Chris was a bit inconvenienced being woken up so early in the morning so I can understand why he looks like shit. Karen, though she would never believe me, looks stunning.

Chief Justice Roberts Gets a Visitor