How to Fake Being a Beer Connoisseur

If you are like me, you don’t know anything about craft beer or imports or even the pale yellow stuff that comes in a gimmicky bottle. For the adventurous, one way of learning about beer would be to take one of the various beer tasting class where they teach you how to order, look at and smell a beer before tasting. But if you don’t have the time, do what I do: fake it.

Most people don’t care what you know about beer.  Friendly beer drinkers find out what other beers you like and make suggestions. But there’s always going to be that guy at the office or the girl who’s dating your best friend who tries to win influence and gain respect by throwing around terms like hops and Lovibond and Parnesian Slow Drip Open Cask Fermentation Technique. If you find yourself backed in a corner and you have to fake beer knowledge, follow these steps.

Ordering
It’s best to ask your beer nemesis what they suggest.  Let them make the first move. No matter what they say, just reply, “Are you going to drink that out of a tall boy PBR can?” This will A) make them second guess their choice and B) wonder for the rest of the evening what the hell you were talking about. While they are still reeling, tell the bartender you’ll have the beer that has the most animals carved into the tap.

Color
Somehow the color of beer affects the taste or the taste of the beer affects the color.  I don’t know. What I do know is that you can stare at a beer for a good long time. Take a couple angles on it: over the top, through the glass, from the bottom. Then, without a taste or a smell, send it back and ask for something else. When your companion starts to question your actions, ignore them, look at their beer and say, “Are you really going to drink that poisonous swill?”

Waft and Tent
Once another brew shows up, make a big show of smelling the beer.  I like to set the beer on the table and use both hands to shovel the air over top the glass into my face.  It’s best to make questioning noises at first and then work your way into agreement mumblings and finally full out orgasmic grunts.   Then, put both hands over top of the glass like a tent and stick your nose in the opening. Turn your head and exhale then dive right back in.  Once you are finished, proclaim that the beer is slightly earthy with an acrid tooth.

Temperature
Hold the glass to your face.  Ask the beer connoisseur at the table if the beer feels too cold. If they touch the glass with their hand to test the temperature,  say, “Oh, you don’t use the Trappist Monk technique?” If they ask what the Trappist Monk technique is, smile and say, “I’m sorry, I've said too much already.”

Taste
Here’s where it gets tough.  By this time, your beer nemesis will be thrown off by your bizarre techniques and will want to step up with their knowledge of both taste and ingredients. Let them! Just reply back to anything they say with, “I can see where you would say that,” or “I’m sure that’s probably what you were taught.”  If they start to question your questioning, just gargle the beer while they are talking and then reply, “What did you say? I couldn't hear you during my Over Tasting procedure.”  If they start talking again, gargle louder.  After about three minutes of gargling, you should look down to see that they are gone.

Congratulations! You've won. Now order a tall boy PBR and let that cold, tasteless swill join the pride that fills your belly.  But not before you give it a good tent wafting!

How to Fake an Orgasm

Faking an orgasm is a necessity in any relationship. Sometimes you need to get to sleep, get to work or get the babysitter home. Most people are used to the "Yes, yes yes!!" fake orgasm and can see right through it. You need something a little more creative. In the midst of inconclusive passion, use one of these tactics to wrap things up and get on with watching the Daily Show.

1. The Silent Stop
Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”

2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.

3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.

4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.

5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.

Ask HolyJuan: My wife is faking it

Dear HolyJuan,

My wife just told me she's been "faking it" for years. In fact, she claims she feels almost nothing from penetration though she enjoys the closeness. Please help.

Signed,
Fake Name

Dear Fake Name,

I think the problem lies in the fact that your wife enjoys the closeness. What she is saying is that your penis is short and hence, you are way too close to her during sex. If your penis is large, then she’s got a cave for a vagina and you are still out of luck.

Here is my suggestion: Across the Room Sex. The next time you find yourself getting in the mood, stage yourself in the furthest part of the room away from the bed or hammock. While your wife lies in the standard, missionary position you enjoy so much, I want you to stand or kneel in the corner and thrust madly with your groinular area. I would suggest an intestinal wall tearing 300 times. During each thrust, I want you to scream out like Maria Sharapova serving a shot put. Then, run back into bed, frantically masturbate and fall asleep as quickly as possible. Repeat this eight to ten times over the next 30 days ensuring you take a two day “love break” between sessions. Over time, your wife will start to hate you. Burning hot, vitriolic hate. You might want to light candles in the bedroom during these sessions so that she has enough light to fill out the divorce papers.

One day, you will come home from therapy to find she is gone.

Now, she won’t have to fake orgasms anymore, as she will be with someone who isn’t you.

Wow. That was an easy fix my friend.

Take care,

HJ

PS And if you cannot figure out that you wife is faking it, you are a douche and don’t deserve to have sex. I know every single time that your wife is faking it and that number is twenty seven.