Silky

I'm not sure you remember this, but at one time in your life, you were a virgin. And then all of a sudden, you weren't. For girls, I assume it was traumatic and disappointing. Quick and forgettable. Maybe it was painful or is some rare cases, flowery and orgasmic. For guys, it's all exactly the same experience.

For a number of years, I traveled with a science museum exhibit. I was in Syracuse for four months and I met Mike. Mike was the first guy I met on the road that was about my age and had his shit together. He showed me the town and we had an occasional drink occasionally.

Conversation usually turned to girls. And sex.

Mike said that there is only one way to describe how it feels when a boy puts his pee pee inside a girl. Especially that first time. He said it and it didn't sound dirty and it didn't sound bad. It sounded just like I remember it.

Silky.

We laughed because it was true. Later on, we'd be in the middle of a conversation and someone would say, "silky." Normally you would stretch it out: sillllky. It was great to drop it into conversation when there were three or four people in the room. We'd always laugh and then we'd pause because in our minds we would go back to that time. Silky.

My stay was too short and soon I was packing up to leave. Without my knowledge, Mike took a piece of packing tape and slapped it on the side of my traveling filing cabinet. On it he wrote, "Silky." As we were loading the trucks I saw the tape and laughed out loud. I'm sure, because it feels so good to say it, I said out loud, "Silky." And then I paused to think.

Months later my time as exhibit manager was up and I handed the exhibit over to Dave. I trained him for a few days and left the exhibit for the last time.

Dave would call from time to time with questions. One day his question was why the word "silky" was written on the side of the filing cabinet. Telling him was hilarious.

Tonight as I was chatting with Dave via IM, I asked him what story I should write about.

"Silky."

And now I stop and pause to think...

Dave is coming back for a visit

Dave is coming back to Columbus for a visit and we will be at Skully's on the 18th. Come join us for fun and frivolity.



This is Dave and I in July of 2008. We snuck off to Detroit to go check out an exhibit and accidentally made it to a Detroit baseball game. We had a lot of fun that day. If I realized how much I would miss him I assume that we would have snuck off more often. Now it costs a few hundred bucks just to spend a day together, but seeing how it is him paying for it, it is totally worth it.

Come out and meet up with us if you get a chance. E-mail me for info: holyjuan@gmail.com.

Lotion

A video from around 2003. Dave and I helped to host the talent show and we created video filler material. This was one of the bits.



And I was thin in this video.

Thanks for the Discount

Dave, his two brothers and I went in together to give money to a charity. I paid on my credit card and all but one of those jerks has paid up. Here is a close up of the check for $37.50 that Dave sent me.

Answers to "Can you find seven things wrong"

Thank you to everyone who provided e-mails and comments concerning "The Seven Things Wrong" in the Dave photo.

As a reminder, here was the photo from a few days ago:


And here are the correct answers:


1. No fucking way any Briley went to Harvard. Unless it was to steal a mug.

2. VCR is not BETA. BETA is the official format of Maine.

3. Christmas tree was not previously used.

4. TV is black. All TVs in Maine are Black and White. Partial credit for "no gay porn playing."

5. Dave is wearing pants while decorating. No credit for "huge cock."

6. WWGWBD-OTRNTMF - What Would George W Bush Do- Oh That's Right Nuke The Mother Fuckers bracelet missing.

7. No lobster lobstah.

Thanks for playing! Let me know how wrong I was with these answers.

Morning chat with Dave

Dave is in Maine. Even though they DO have phones there, it takes him so long to spin the rotary dial that we just chat on-line instead. Here was our conversation this morning. (Please don't tell Miss Sally about her gift. Or the other parts of this.)

8:48 AM - SMILEY: so are you wrapping gifts today or are you superdad?
8:48 AM - HOLYJUAN: neither
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: well, I could wrap sallys gift (ipod)
8:49 AM - SMILEY: nice...nano, shuffle, or old school
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: Nano, 8G
8:49 AM - SMILEY: color?
8:49 AM - HOLYJUAN: green
8:50 AM - SMILEY: cool...she'll love it.
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: I stole it from a 13 year old
8:50 AM - SMILEY: Antona gets a carton of smokes and a scarf this year
8:50 AM - HOLYJUAN: Can you get filtered? That heavy smoke bothers my eyes after sex.
8:51 AM - SMILEY: Merry Christmas
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: And a scarf that doesn’t knot so tightly
8:51 AM - HOLYJUAN: Doesn't knot? Is that a double negative?
8:52 AM - SMILEY: I'll see about the scarf...

Can you find seven things wrong with this photo?

Dave moved to Maine and here he is in his new house. Can you find seven things wrong with this photo? (click to enlarge)

Skully’s Sign Language

Skully’s is a very loud place and communication can be difficult. Yelling, “You are smoking hot!” to a chick can be easily misinterpreted as, “I have dog shit on my foot!”

To avoid confusion, we have developed a series of hand gestures to help you communicate during your time of need.

I can drink a lot more
A very common question at Skully's is, "You want another drink?" This is non-verbally communicated through one of several common gestures. The answer, though, should not be passed off with a simple "yes" head bob. Instead, try the following:

Hands to the sides and say, “I can drink…….”


(Pause for effect) Raise them above your head, “A LOT MORE!”


Back off Bitch!
Sometimes a woman cannot control herself and will attack you bodily on the dance floor. If she cannot hear you yell at her to back the fuck off, whip off your belt and give her this non-verbal signal to the head.


Punch to the Bald Head
Are you sick and tired of bald guys getting all the hot chicks? What I really hate is when two of them show up to the bar and exponentially scoop up all the hotties. When you finally grow weary of this, pop the following hand gesture on the hairless bastards to break things up.


I'm Married
Skully's is a dangerous place for a married man. Young, hot chicks can smell a keeper and they will thrust themselves upon you. When you find yourself in this situation below:


Pull back and point at the ring:


You might break the youngin's heart, but it's best to get it over quickly.

You might have to repeat this often throughout the night in different situations.



Two Many Witnesses
Sometimes you will meet a hot chick that wants to ride you around the dance floor like an 120v electric bull on 220v. Sadly, many of the friends you came to Skully's with would disapprove of your contact with said young lady. To share your disappointment with a colleague who understands your predicament, use the following series of hang gestures

Too


Many


Witnesses


Chicks I've Banged Tonight
Sometimes it's OK to brag. Hold up those fingers and let the people know how many worlds you've rocked that night.


Marry Me
At Skully's, anything can happy. Love flows like melting records at a World Harvest Church Music Burning. If the moment is right and the love in your heart cannot be contained, buy a $5 rose from the guy with the bucket of $1 roses, drop to one knee and profess your silent love.


I am the Happiest Man in the World Right Now
Hard to arrange. Difficult not to get beat by your wife once she sees it. Worth every second.

Heart of Stone

Anne and I used to resort to simplistic means of dealing with project management stress and anger through various hand symbols with taglines. My favorite is “COMMIT.” (Create two fists and bump them knuckles together twice in front of your chest. Commit is used when you have a decision to make and decide to do the hard thing, which is usually the right thing.) The one I am using today is “HEART OF STONE.” (Create one fist and place it thumb first on your heart. Heart of Stone is used when you remove emotion from the equation and continue moving forward. Make a stone of your heart.)

I’ve decided to take the route of collecting all my Dave-leaving sadness and cramming it way down into my reality masking, humor generator. Not only can I avoid any possible un-manly emotional outbursts, but in doing so, I will create MORE content for holyjuan.com. I do this for myself, but you, my faithful readers, will reap the reward.

Heart of Stone. In the words of Lloyd Dobler, “The rain on my car is a baptism. The new me. Iceman, power Lloyd. My assault on the world begins now. Believe in myself, answer to no one....”

And now enough of my personal issues and back to comics of Jesus getting hit with a water balloon.

I'll Miss Dave

Goodbye, Dave.

Things to do at Skully's UPDATE with photos

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s. I’ve got part of the list below and I wanted to share with you how we did that night.

A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

How’d we do? We only played once and it took about 45 minutes for me to win. I think I guessed New Order.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)

Damon was not there that night.

- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)

Here he is:


- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)

Here is the Old Man


- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)

These two were dressed more 80's punk, but I think the judges will let this one slide.


- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)

Here they are! I don't think they are full time, only part time. Didn’t get the photo of them making out, but believe me! Smoochie smoochie!



- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)

This guy was pretty close. Two beers and a headband? He did a pretty classy job of being "That Guy."


- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)

Did not see him/her. Sorry.

- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

Hello Kitty Girl


C. Where’s is Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

Here is “Doug in ten five years.” (He's the one on the left, asshole.)



D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

I called Acton at some point, but I didn’t hold the phone up in the air.

BONUS! Here was another part of the article about how to prepare/what to do at Skully’s:

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

Stick Empty Beer in Back Pocket



Stick Empty Beer under the Stage


Empty Beer Other


I like Other better

BONUS PHOTOS

Terminator Guy and Old Man in the same photo!


Dave standing next to the main stage make out couple


Old man dancing with Goth Girl (look for her at the bottom of the photo) with Dave and other dude giving the thumbs up.


Here is my boss Erik dancing with Michelle.


And here, my friends, is a heart-breaking photo of Jenn, Dave, Doug and Meshell. Dave is moving to Maine next month. Meshell is heading to New York City. Skully's will never, ever be the same.


Last call.

Overcome by Emotion

Erik and Dave could not help themselves yesterday during the Ohio State win over Michigan. When the game was in the bag, they took the opportunity to let their overflow of emotions come to the surface in a physical show of their mutual love of football and each other.