Birthing Advice to Anne

My good friend Anne is about to have a baby in the next few days. Here was my advice to her:

Have a plan for the stuff you cannot plan for. My experience is that shit happens very quickly and the doctors are going to want you to do what they say. You need to know if you want the epidural and that they need to stick you not too early but not too late. You want pitocin? We didn't know we did with Anne, but they said, we are going to give you this to help with the labor and we said, "Duh, sure." If things go south, you need your husband to be able to side with you on what you'd like to do, like keep trying to push or bail and C section. We had two very good experiences, except with the epidural that freaked miss sally out worse the second time.

It will all go too quickly. Take photos. Not of the event but leading up to and at the hospital. Let both sets of parents know ahead of time if you want them around in the room or whatever. They will understand, but you should lay that crap out now just so everyone knows if they are welcome to stare at your vagina.

Just remember that people have been having babies for a very, very long time and that means absolutely nothing when it's you.

Take care and best of luck.

I think this is a HolyJuan post. Sorry. Love you.

Doug

PS If you are breast feeding, it is the single most frustrating thing in the world. Keep at it. Don't feel bad if it doesn't work out but don't give up too quickly. You should send me a photo of your boobs so that I can see if everything looks right.

Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend

Dear HolyJuan,

I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.

I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.

After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.

I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”

I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”

After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.

So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

Dear Sleepy Scott,

This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.

Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?

Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.

Love,

HolyJuan

PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.