I'm not an IT person (you know, the desktop support guy, system admin or the computer dude,) but I have hired them, had them fix my mistakes and had them look dumbfounded at me on several occasions. From my experience, and what I've gleaned from our terse interactions, I've put together this list of things you should not say to them.
1.You're a chick?
Just from the title of this list alone, I'm in deep shit. Not all IT people are guys. When an IT chick shows up, don't mention it because she's heard it hundreds of times already. Just let her fix your mistakes and please don't ask her if she is into Manga.
2. I think I fixed it.
IT people don't care that you fucked something up. It's bound to happen. What they don't like is when you attempt to fix it after you tell them there is a problem. Especially if it is hardware related and they've dragged their ass all the way to your desk. Just pretend like you didn't fix it and ask them if they are with the Alliance or for the Horde.
3. Are you with the Alliance or for the Horde?
It's not the assumption that a computer person might play a MMORPG. They probably do. The issue here is that you are pretending that you care enough to know and to take that first step into their imaginary world. Unless you are willing to discuss the newest patch or the most recent guild politics, you should just keep your yap shut. Besides, they probably play Guild Wars.
4. So, is this all you do all day?
Bad question. This oozes with the assumption that they don't do anything all day. And sadly, the real question should be, "What don't you do all day," and the answer to that is "I don't get important stuff done because I'm spending my time re-installing Windows on your computer for the third time."
5. Can I bring my lap top in from home?
No.
6. Would you like to go on a date?
Office relationships never work out. It screws up your and your co-worker's production. When you inter-office date an IT person, it throws off the whole business. IT people need to be surly to get their jobs done. If they are happy, I'm not sure what would happen to the network. The only case of when dating the IT person will work is if you dump them and completely break their heart. Then the company is secure for months as they brood and work for 18 hours a day. If you only half break their heart, you are in "Say Anything" territory and nothing is creepier than an IT guy standing in your driveway with a laptop over his head playing an MP3 of "In Your Eyes."
7. Don't you think case mods are gay?
They are gay, but IT people need a creative outlet. Just say that you saw an interesting case that was a 1:73 scale model of the Farscape, Peacekeeper Pantak Class Vigilante.
When they stare at you for a moment and don't say anything, hold up this list and they will understand.
8. Bet you've seen some great photos and videos while digging through people's computers.
Yes they have, but not because they were nosing around like you are suggesting. Having a 120GB movie slowing things up requires investigation. So does any collection of 1,500 photos with the words wife, anal, teen or spycam in the filename. So, yes, they are digging through your photos and videos, but dammit, it's for the good of the company.
9. Did you see the Matrix?
Of course, asshole. Everybody did.
10. Do you have a blog?
Yes, they have a blog. But it's probably a pretty well laid out, informative page instead of this cookie-cutter crap. They probably talk about everything but work, though they might bring up you on occasion and how you almost broke their heart and that their mood is sad and they are listening to the "Say Anything" soundtrack.
Showing posts with label WoW. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WoW. Show all posts
WOW! really likes its customers (even the ones that are jerks)
On Monday, I wrote an article called “I played chicken with WOW! and something amazing happened” detailing how I tried to trick WOW! to lower my cable bill by threatening to cancel. Low and behold, my game of chicken failed and I ended up going through with the whole phone conversation and canceling my service. As I was too much of a chicken to go crawling back, I signed up for AT&T cable/internet and thought that was that.
The next day I got an e-mail via my holyjuan@gmail.com address from someone at WOW!, a guy named William Wright, who had read my article and wanted to see if there was anything WOW! could do to retain me as a customer. There was an 800 number for me to call. I assumed that this was a run of the mill follow up to any post on the internet and didn’t pay it much attention. I was more curious to talk to him about how they harvest information from the internet and learned about my post in the first place. I replied to his e-mail and said I would forward the AT&T information and see if they could match it.
Later that night, my wife checked the voice mail and handed me the phone, saying it was WOW! trying to get us back. We had predicted that a sales person would call and I rewound the message. It was a guy named Bill Wright looking to get us back with WOW!. Bill Wright? That seemed familiar… I went back to my e-mail. Same guy. Except this time I looked closer and saw that he was the CEO Customer Advocate! I called the 800 number, expecting to get the switchboard, but it was his personal number. He had taken the effort to track down my real name and number. I left a message, explaining that I was just one of those jerks from the internet. I left my cell phone number and hung up.
The next day William sent me an e-mail saying that Larry from the Saves Department would be giving me a call. Larry called when I was in a meeting and I called him back once I was finished. I shared my story with Larry about the canceling and the post on the internet. We talked about WOW!’s competitors and what AT&T was offering. In the end he made me a very nice offer and I took him up on it. We said our goodbyes and I e-mailed William to say Larry was awesome and thanks for the special attention.
So what have I learned? I was completely surprised by the customer service I got from WOW! I’ve always liked my service from WOW!, but was amazed at the level of attention I received. I was astonished that they took the time to track down the real me (it’s not that hard, but still). And I felt like a douche for trying to get my bill lowered, not having the balls to fess up to my real intentions and then having a bunch of attention dumped on me when I was trying to be sneaky in the first place.
I’m not really sure I learned my lesson, because in the end, for all my douchery, I did get my bill lowered. But at least, for once, I was shown that there is a company that really, really wants to keep their customers happy.
And I am happy.
The next day I got an e-mail via my holyjuan@gmail.com address from someone at WOW!, a guy named William Wright, who had read my article and wanted to see if there was anything WOW! could do to retain me as a customer. There was an 800 number for me to call. I assumed that this was a run of the mill follow up to any post on the internet and didn’t pay it much attention. I was more curious to talk to him about how they harvest information from the internet and learned about my post in the first place. I replied to his e-mail and said I would forward the AT&T information and see if they could match it.
Later that night, my wife checked the voice mail and handed me the phone, saying it was WOW! trying to get us back. We had predicted that a sales person would call and I rewound the message. It was a guy named Bill Wright looking to get us back with WOW!. Bill Wright? That seemed familiar… I went back to my e-mail. Same guy. Except this time I looked closer and saw that he was the CEO Customer Advocate! I called the 800 number, expecting to get the switchboard, but it was his personal number. He had taken the effort to track down my real name and number. I left a message, explaining that I was just one of those jerks from the internet. I left my cell phone number and hung up.
The next day William sent me an e-mail saying that Larry from the Saves Department would be giving me a call. Larry called when I was in a meeting and I called him back once I was finished. I shared my story with Larry about the canceling and the post on the internet. We talked about WOW!’s competitors and what AT&T was offering. In the end he made me a very nice offer and I took him up on it. We said our goodbyes and I e-mailed William to say Larry was awesome and thanks for the special attention.
So what have I learned? I was completely surprised by the customer service I got from WOW! I’ve always liked my service from WOW!, but was amazed at the level of attention I received. I was astonished that they took the time to track down the real me (it’s not that hard, but still). And I felt like a douche for trying to get my bill lowered, not having the balls to fess up to my real intentions and then having a bunch of attention dumped on me when I was trying to be sneaky in the first place.
I’m not really sure I learned my lesson, because in the end, for all my douchery, I did get my bill lowered. But at least, for once, I was shown that there is a company that really, really wants to keep their customers happy.
And I am happy.
HolyJuan in Hungary
I drew a cartoon back in 06' about using World of Warcraft in job interviews. It looked like this:
A story about NOT using WoW in job interviews came out and my cartoon became a little popular around the world. A site in Hungary picked it up and translated it for all the Hungary people:
This just might be the greatest accomplishment of my life.
A story about NOT using WoW in job interviews came out and my cartoon became a little popular around the world. A site in Hungary picked it up and translated it for all the Hungary people:
This just might be the greatest accomplishment of my life.
How to ruin your life
So, you've decided to ruin your life? Great! Most of the time, people don’t actually get the chance to plan to ruin their lives; it just starts to happen and then snowballs. If you are making a conscious decision to do so, here’s how:
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”
Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:
114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop
Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!
Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?
It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”
And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.
/gquit
Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.
You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.
Step nine: Get married
Obvious.
Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!
Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.
Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)
So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.
Note to self: buy Twizzlers.
Step one: Keep people with video cameras around you at all times
When you are constantly recorded, you will eventually say something, do something or do someone for which everyone will condemn you. You’ll be singing a rap song, but the only recognizable part will be the N-word. You’ll accidentally kick an empty bag of White Castle boxes from your car and not pick them up. You’ll pick your nose or scratch your ass or scratch your nose and pick your ass. All this will be caught on tape and edited down for consumption on You Tube. Pretty soon you will have an internet nickname and nicknames are for life. And when people you don’t know have a nickname for you, you are screwed.
Step two: Drink
Drink. Drink a lot. Life is better when you are drunk. People are better looking. You are funnier. You know martial arts. You have more personality. And with one eye covered, you drive just as well as anyone else. When you get pulled over, tell the cop a joke and make sure you throw up on the hood of his car in view of the dash cam.
Step three: Run for office
Run for any office. Senator. Mayor. School board.
If you have anything in your closet, your opponent will find out about it and you can watch it in a commercial. Usually with the word WRONG or TAX or LIBERAL used twice in the same sentence.
“Doug. He’s wrong for sleeping with a three legged dog and he’s wrong for Franklin County Commissioner.”
Step four: Open a Facebook account with your real name
Do you like people? I do! It seems that there are a lot of them on Facebook. Most of them are completely f’d up. Using your real name allows people to match a name to a face and an address. 99 out of 100 times, your “friends” will just circle your place in their 89 Honda Civic because they have no social skills. But you have over 100 friends, now don’t you? Duct Tape: the official tape of Facebook.
Step five: Take a job for the money and not because you enjoy it
I’m in the process of this. See, I have a shitty job where I don’t make much money. I figure I should get a SHITTIER job that pays more money. Then you start to buy more expensive things and are stuck in a job you hate that stresses you out.
Step six: Solicit for sex on Craig's List
Craig's List math goes a little like this:
114 lbs = 162 lbs
single = married
social drinker = drunk
smokes = smokes
32 = 49
16 = a cop
Please remember that if you are a pedophile and you used the internet to set up a meeting with a youngin at a McDonalds, try and have the most original stuff in your car so the cops can report it to the local news after they arrest you. Don’t be like the other dopes that have wine coolers and condoms. Have 1,200 Twizzlers, a case of red pop and 8 tubes of airplane glue. Be creative!
Step seven: Start playing World of Warcraft
Why ruin just part of your life some of the time when you can ruin all of your life all of the time?
It’s not cool anymore to roll dice, wear a hooded robe and collect metal figurines. The new way to completely ruin your life is to do so as an Orc Shaman. Nothing says downward spiral more completely than “I was saving gold for a Bad Mojo Mask, but now with the new patch, I’m thinking about buying a crossover Epic Mount.”
And no one has ever had a job interview question concerning WoW. Never.
/gquit
Step eight: Make fun of people who play World of Warcraft
Once you start poking fun at the players of WoW, you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt. They know computers. They know your IP address. If you are on Facebook, they probably know your real name. They will track you down and kill you.
You are fucked. Buy a typewriter. And some stamps.
Step nine: Get married
Obvious.
Step ten: Start a blog
A blog is worthless. No one wants to read what you have to say or what your kid did with her oatmeal or how you hate your job. BORING!
Pretty soon you will run out of things to say and you will start to reveal secrets about yourself.
Next thing you know you will start to make up cartoons to fill space and top ten lists. You will lose all credibility and self respect. Then you will probably enter the porn world (which would be step eleven, except that I’m feeling depressed.)
So, good luck with ruining your life. With the proper motivation, it should only take you 3 -4 four weeks. After you lose your license for DUI, you’ll have lots of free time to update your Facebook account and to play World of Warcraft where you’ll meet your spouse and write a blog about it.
Note to self: buy Twizzlers.
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