I am not the Biggest Loser

A few months ago, I started a diet. It was right before the holidays and I debated for a day or two about the merits of waiting to start the diet after turkey and potatoes and Captain Morgans and pie and pie and pie. And from somewhere in the black abyss of my soul a small speck of light flittered forth and wedged itself into my brain folds. It spoke to me and said, "Right now is the hardest time to start. If you start now, you are bound to succeed." Because this was a good idea, my brain immediately smothered it. But it was too late... I started my diet in late November. I was 228 pounds.

After two weeks, I dropped about seven pounds. My boss Erik couldn't help but notice and I would often catch his eyes lingering on my increasingly svelte form. It was at this time that Erik and I began our own personal Biggest Loser competition. With a $4.78 scale and a gentleman's bet, we began the competition with a finish date of tax day, April 15th, 2008.

Stephanie made us a poster to keep track of our weight.


These are the actual before photos.



After a broken scale and Erik having to learn basic math skills to calculate percentage of weight lost, the competition is over...



Erik wins with a total weight loss of 25 pounds or a 12.76% loss.

I came in second with a total weight loss of 17.2 pounds or a 7.78% loss. Even when you add in the weight I loss before this competition began, he still won!

I didn't have a chance.

Congratulations Erik!

Accidental Racist

I work for a company with a high regard for Team. We call ourselves “Team Members” and everyone refers to everyone else as “Team Members.”

A few weeks ago, a number of folks at work joined in a “The Biggest Loser” competition. We were split up on teams that were named by color. Red, blue, black and so on. I’m on the Black Team. As part of the Black Team, my job is to create viral interference and lay down a steady stream of practical jokes and humorous e-mails, like this sign where I suggest all the teams, except the Black Team, eat free fudge.


A few days ago at work, I noticed an empty box sitting on a cabinet in the main hallway in the same place where the free fudge had been. I’m sure just moments before the empty box was filled with sweet goodies, but the team had swooped in and finished off what ever deliciousness the box held. Now it was just an empty box. So I went to my desk and fashioned a sign for the Black Team with an arrow pointing down. The sign said:

CALORIE FREE DREAM NOTHINGNESS CAKES FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS ONLY

I posted it above the empty box and thought that it was a good joke for the Black Team.

I didn’t realize that the sign said “FOR BLACK TEAM MEMBERS” or how 99% of our employees would read it as “FOR BLACKS ONLY.”

Fortunately, a VP took the sign down about five minutes after I put it up. She knew it was probably my doing and mentioned it to me a few days later.

I. Am. Dumb.