REVIEW - Skully’s: The Retro Party

We’ve been going to Skully’s Ladies 80s night for the past eight years. It used to be that we would go twice a month. Then once every month. Then once every two months. After Dave left, we wondered if we’d ever go again. We got over that bullshit pretty quick and now we are back to once every six weeks.

For those of you who are unaware, Ladies 80s is held on Thursday nights at Skully’s in Columbus, OH. Girls get in free. Boys pay five bucks. They play 80s dance music. Most the time the DJ does a great job putting together the right mix of great dance songs with only a scrunchie’s worth of overplayed Madonna/Love Shack crap.

Our modus operandi is to go out to a nearby bar beforehand at 8:00pm get our drink on and chit chat. At 10:00pm or so, we’ll head over to Skully’s. At that time, the place is just starting to awaken. Usually there are six or seven teachers’ conference attendees that have been drinking since 5:00pm getting their 80s dance on. These folks will be gone by 11:00pm to make the mistakes that people at conferences make. We usually sit up front and drink beers, waiting on anyone who said they would catch up with us later. At some unspoken time, Aha’s “Take on Me” or something by INXS will come on and we will make our way back to our spot. You can see that spot marked here with an “X”.

We usually dance for a few songs and inevitably someone will show up with a handful of beers. We’ll dance some more and if a crappy song comes on, we will step out side and those that smoke will smoke and those that don’t will think about why they quit. Then back inside. Repeat as necessary.

By about midnight, Skully’s is packed. In the past three years, people have begun to dress the part, wearing pink leggings and jelly bracelets and sunglasses that weren’t even popular in the 80s.

We still play the guessing game: one person leans over and says to another, “I think X band will play next.” Person two will think for a moment and say, “I think band Y will play.” And then we wait to see who is right. If you are brave, you can guess song and artist. Saying Madonna’s Borderline will get you kicked in the pants.

At 2:15am, you cannot believe it is 2:15am and we all stumble out into the night, ears ringing with the memory of a keytar and reverb.

So a few weeks ago, Freckled Jen sent me a photo of Skully’s door:

No more Ladies 80s? We were aghast! How could they fuck with the formula!

But we are getting old. Really old at this point. I was old the first day I stepped into Skully's. We knew things would change over time. It's just no one wanted to admit it.

Recently it was Jenn’s birthday weekend and she wanted to get a group of folks together. When she called to ask about Friday, I had to decline as Miss Sally was going to be heading out of town. Jenn asked about Thursday and I said sure!

It was a few hours later that we both realized that we could check out Skully’s new Retro Party. We agreed that we would do a little light recon and see what was up.

We met friends after work at Surly Girl. We drank and bought Jen shots.

At 10:15pm, we headed over.

It was still free for ladies and still $5 for dudes.

Once inside, we expected to hear a mix of 80s and 90s. But it was still all 80s music.

So we danced.

And an odd thing happened. I’m not sure if it was the DJ or the new format, but the DJ started playing really good songs, back to back. Really good ones. Usually the DJ will choreograph the evening by playing a mix of good old dance songs and then pulling out a dead ringer that everyone likes. On this night, it seemed like the DJ was pulling out all the stops and playing back to back to back great songs.

And I was a bit disappointed. Call me a hypocrite, but I like the build up. I like a few good songs topped off by an ELO or Cure or Depeche Mode song that can’t go wrong. And then I like when the DJ plays a (what I consider to be) a crappy, stereotypical 80s song, so that I can take a break for three minutes and twenty seconds.

When we did finally step outside, we chatted with one of the bartenders. He seemed to help us do the math. The DJs will play the standard 80s music early on. As the night goes on and all those 30 somethings leave at midnight to go home and take Advil, the young kids start showing up. Then the 90s music starts to mix in.

And wouldn’t you know it. Around midnight, the 90s songs started kicking in.

Sadly, the 90s songs they played were not all that good. I know there are some danceable 90s songs, but we really didn’t hear to many. Especially since we left right after midnight to go home and take Advil.  I guess we will have to go back and do some more testing.

Fear not, friends. Skully’s is still the same. It was inevitable that the 90s were going to creep in to 80s dance night. They had been already. Every so often we’d turn an ear to the music and say, “Was that is the 80s?” and then continue with said dancing. There aren't bookends on the 80s demarking where good music starts and stops. I’m not sure there was good 80s dance music until late 1983 anyways.

So do not let the new name fool you. It is still the same fun. Still the same fun, dance music.

Still the same Terminator Guy.

Still the same Shake Weight Guy.

And the Old Guy.

The same Converse.

All and these fuckers:

And when a really good song comes on, we call Dave and leave a message on his phone to piss him off and remind him that even though The Retro Party is the same as Ladies 80s, it's never the same without him.

Skully's Ladies 80s is now The Retro Party

It was bound to happen. I even predicted it a while ago. I just never thought it would actually happen.

Skully's has dropped the name "Ladies 80's" and are going with "The Retro Party."

It's not like the dance music from all of the 80s was good. There was a good bit of crap through the early 80s. Yeah, yeah... and the rest of the 80s as well. There's some good stuff tucked into the early 90s. Skully's was starting to play 90s music as well. No one really cared as long as it was fun to dance to.

We are going to do some light recon and check it out. We assume it will be exactly the same. I just hope the Doug In Five Years doesn't stop coming. Nor the Terminator Guy. Guy in the Dress. Outland Girl. And who can forget Bump into You Drunk Girl. Hopefully they will all come back. Not creepy old guy thought. I think his position is being taken by someone else.

Skully’s Sign Language

Skully’s is a very loud place and communication can be difficult. Yelling, “You are smoking hot!” to a chick can be easily misinterpreted as, “I have dog shit on my foot!”

To avoid confusion, we have developed a series of hand gestures to help you communicate during your time of need.

I can drink a lot more
A very common question at Skully's is, "You want another drink?" This is non-verbally communicated through one of several common gestures. The answer, though, should not be passed off with a simple "yes" head bob. Instead, try the following:

Hands to the sides and say, “I can drink…….”


(Pause for effect) Raise them above your head, “A LOT MORE!”


Back off Bitch!
Sometimes a woman cannot control herself and will attack you bodily on the dance floor. If she cannot hear you yell at her to back the fuck off, whip off your belt and give her this non-verbal signal to the head.


Punch to the Bald Head
Are you sick and tired of bald guys getting all the hot chicks? What I really hate is when two of them show up to the bar and exponentially scoop up all the hotties. When you finally grow weary of this, pop the following hand gesture on the hairless bastards to break things up.


I'm Married
Skully's is a dangerous place for a married man. Young, hot chicks can smell a keeper and they will thrust themselves upon you. When you find yourself in this situation below:


Pull back and point at the ring:


You might break the youngin's heart, but it's best to get it over quickly.

You might have to repeat this often throughout the night in different situations.



Two Many Witnesses
Sometimes you will meet a hot chick that wants to ride you around the dance floor like an 120v electric bull on 220v. Sadly, many of the friends you came to Skully's with would disapprove of your contact with said young lady. To share your disappointment with a colleague who understands your predicament, use the following series of hang gestures

Too


Many


Witnesses


Chicks I've Banged Tonight
Sometimes it's OK to brag. Hold up those fingers and let the people know how many worlds you've rocked that night.


Marry Me
At Skully's, anything can happy. Love flows like melting records at a World Harvest Church Music Burning. If the moment is right and the love in your heart cannot be contained, buy a $5 rose from the guy with the bucket of $1 roses, drop to one knee and profess your silent love.


I am the Happiest Man in the World Right Now
Hard to arrange. Difficult not to get beat by your wife once she sees it. Worth every second.

Things to do at Skully's UPDATE with photos

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s. I’ve got part of the list below and I wanted to share with you how we did that night.

A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

How’d we do? We only played once and it took about 45 minutes for me to win. I think I guessed New Order.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)

Damon was not there that night.

- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)

Here he is:


- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)

Here is the Old Man


- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)

These two were dressed more 80's punk, but I think the judges will let this one slide.


- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)

Here they are! I don't think they are full time, only part time. Didn’t get the photo of them making out, but believe me! Smoochie smoochie!



- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)

This guy was pretty close. Two beers and a headband? He did a pretty classy job of being "That Guy."


- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)

Did not see him/her. Sorry.

- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

Hello Kitty Girl


C. Where’s is Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

Here is “Doug in ten five years.” (He's the one on the left, asshole.)



D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

I called Acton at some point, but I didn’t hold the phone up in the air.

BONUS! Here was another part of the article about how to prepare/what to do at Skully’s:

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

Stick Empty Beer in Back Pocket



Stick Empty Beer under the Stage


Empty Beer Other


I like Other better

BONUS PHOTOS

Terminator Guy and Old Man in the same photo!


Dave standing next to the main stage make out couple


Old man dancing with Goth Girl (look for her at the bottom of the photo) with Dave and other dude giving the thumbs up.


Here is my boss Erik dancing with Michelle.


And here, my friends, is a heart-breaking photo of Jenn, Dave, Doug and Meshell. Dave is moving to Maine next month. Meshell is heading to New York City. Skully's will never, ever be the same.


Last call.

Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s

It is not very hard to believe that Skully's Music Diner has been hosting the ghost of Mean Mr. Mustards in the form of Ladies 80's Night since 2001. We started going to Ladies 80’s night on Thursdays in the 2nd year and have been pretty faithful ever since. It used to be that we’d go twice a month. Then once a month. Then once every two months. Now it's twice a year. But we still go.

Dave and Freckled Jenn and I always try to go together. Sometimes other friends will go. Sometimes it’s just Dave and I. Sometime I go alone, but that is another tale.

Here is our Thursday night routine:

0. Dress
I wrote all the stuff below first and realized I left out “dress” so I stuffed it up here as “0.” I hope you don’t mind. Skully’s is for dancing and that means comfortable shoes. I suggest Converse or a pair of sneakers that you don’t mind have spilled beer on the top and unknown sticky stuff on the bottom. You don’t have to wear 80’s clothes, but it doesn’t hurt. I usually wear something Homestar Runner.

1. Pre-drinks
Meet somewhere else and have some warm up beers. Sometimes we play darts. Sometimes we eat a snack. Sometimes we just vent and drink. Usually we try to find a bar that is close to the Short North so that we can convince our friends to join us once the short venture over.

2. Hem and Haw
Sometimes we aren’t exactly sure if we are going to go to Skully’s. We attempt to trick ourselves into thinking that we have families and jobs and that we shouldn't be out until early morning. Then we give in. We usually wait until about 11:00pm to head over. Midnight can come creeping up pretty quickly and we’ll stare across the table / down the bar from each other and ask, “Well? Do you want to go?” Sometimes one of us will just say, “Let’s go,” and we do. Sadly, sometimes we do just go home. But not this Thursday.

3. Park
There are several very close and secret places to park, but I’m not about to give those away. I suggest having Two-sack drive you so that you don’t have to drive yourself home.

4. Meet
Wait for everyone to arrive by the front bar. First one in buys a round of Miller Lite, the Skully’s beer of choice. When you get a tab, you need to give them your credit card and license. Don't act like a chump and question them on this.  They give you a number that you show them every time you order a drink (which better be a lot.)

5. Scout
Check out the lay of the land in the front. See anyone you know? No you don’t, because they are at home with their spouses and kids. Walk to the back and see what kind of a night it is going to be. If it is 10:00pm and not crowded, do not fret.

6. Location Location Location
We have a spot on the dance floor. Our spot is to the left of the stage, five feet back and ten feet in from the wall. It’s close to a trash can and near to the patio exit. We also have an excellent view of the stage area where the magic happens.

7. Dance
I have two dances: hands up and hands down. I also spin a lot, especially during “If You Leave" by OMD or “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure.

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

9. Dance More and if not, Smoke
Keep dancing. When a crappy song comes on, walk out back and take a breather on the patio. The patio is good for smoking and people watching. I do a little of both.

10. Rinse and Repeat
Keep going until they kick you out around 2:15am. If you have a meeting the next day, it’s best to leave early at 2:10am so you can get some sleep. I have learned, to my utter sorrow, that I can no longer function the next day after a Skully’s night.

While you are at Skully’s on 80’s ladies night, there are several things that we do to pass the time. Some are obnoxious. Some are just plain stupid. We love them all.

A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)
- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)
- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)
- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)
- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)
- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)
- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)
- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

C. Where’s the Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

Don’t miss out. See you at Skully’s, this Thursday night around 11 or midnight. We’ll be in our spot.