The Van is Almost Paid Off

I am not allowed to have new things. I break and damage them too quickly. So we buy used cars.

Four years ago, we were in search of a minivan. We knew we wanted a 2004 Honda Odyssey, but we did not know from where as there are several dealerships in Columbus. It was very nice knowing exactly what car we wanted because there was no wishy washy crap to go through at the car lots.

We found a suitable car at a Columbus dealership and I went in to discuss financing. Sadly, I got the stereotypical financing run around.

First they wanted me to bring our trade in to the dealership before they could run the numbers. I said, give me numbers and then we’ll look at the trade.

They then wanted to know what I wanted to pay a month. I tried to not do this, but ended up giving him a range. He came back with a number hand written on a piece of paper that was higher than my range. He said, do we have a deal?

I said, what’s the percentage rate? He said that he’d have to go back and check.

While he was checking, I called Miss Sally to double check on the price and she said it was $500 more than advertised on the internet.

The salesman came back and gave me a typed up sheet with ten or so random fees, the wrong price, a terrible percentage rate and all this paid out over five years. I told him this was not in my range and that we would need to lower the price of the car or get rid of the bullshit fees. He said he would need to talk with his manager. I said thanks and stood up to leave.

The salesman said, “If you are not happy with the numbers please talk to my manager.” I said no thanks and kept leaving. “Please don’t leave. I will lose my job.” I fell for it. We went to the back office and spoke with the manager. I said I was shopping around and not ready to buy. He told me my time was very valuable and that I was wasting money comparing prices. I said thanks and left.

That next week, I went out to Marysville Honda and had the opposite experience. After looking at the van we saw online, I went in to talk financing. The salesguy printed up a sheet with percentage rates and lengths of loan and monthly payments neatly in a grid. They guy even left me a calculator. I was able to make a sound financial decision from the information presented. Instead of going with a five year loan, I went with a four from the information provided.

As I was writing this up, I remembered that I actually recorded the conversation at the bad dealership. I sat and listened to myself talk to the salespeople and wonder how many other people get caught up in all the bullshit.

I know it is four years late, but I found my experience at Marysville Honda to be top notch and completely opposite of the one at skanky dealership.

BONUS STORY
When I returned to Marysville Honda to drop off my trade in and pick up the van, they had me leave my car up front. At some point, a guy came over and got my keys so that he could drive the car around and switch plates. I handed over my keys and told the guy that the clutch was tricky. Five minutes later, the guy came back in and said he could not get my car to move because the clutch was completely gone. Over the past year, I had become one with my disappearing clutch and able to find the sweet spot that allowed the gears to change. I jumped in and drove it around back. Later they came back around to tell me the bolts on my plates were frozen stuck and that they would need to cut it off. And to think they gave me $500 for the trade in.

I said, it’s a Honda.

I have never purchased a new car in my life. Adopting someone else’s misery always seemed like a better deal than bringing home a brand new, expensive, depreciating baby.

Today we brought home our newly adopted child. A 2004 Honda Odyssey. It’s roomy and actually has some git up and go. I drive it like a teenager who drives his parents', well, minivan. I admit that I like driving it. I also admit that I like Helen Reddy music.

But to purchase this van we had to get rid of Doug’s Car. We swaddled it up and left it at the dealership doorstep. They said they would find a home for my baby.

Suckers. They just spent the worst $500 of their lives!

My poor little ‘95 Honda Civic. It held up so well over the past eight years. The 10,000 miles between oil changes. The watered down anti-freeze. The watered down break fluid. I abused that poor car. Acton reminded me of when he and I left a club one frigid winter night and as we sat freezing in the car, I revved the engine to the red line to heat it up. He said I was killing the engine. I said, it’s a Honda.

I slept in the back seat when I had had two too many. I slept in the trunk when I had many too many.

Right there at the end the clutch began to give up on life. The clutch was so bad, the sales guy at the dealership asked me to drive it around to the service garage because it kept stalling on him. As I shut it off, I realized that there was probably 1/100th of a tank of gas left. I timed it perfectly.

Some 16 year old kid is going to get a terrific Christmas present this year. As a matter of fact, I can almost squeeze the first bit of the 12 days of Christmas out of it:

Five fuses blown
Four balding tires
Three quarts low of oil
Two taillights out
And a spare tire with a big fat hole

Three years ago, I got a flat. I threw on the spare and drove off. An hour later, I went through a pothole and my spare went flat. I was only a mile from home so I drove on the spare. For the next three years, that spare was flat in the trunk of my car. As my tires began to bald and show the furry metallic signs of steel belt, I started to think I might need to get my spare fixed. Instead, I traded my car in.

Welcome to the family, 2004 Honda Odyssey. Godspeed 1995 Honda Civic. Join your brother, 1988 Honda Civic, in that great big Möbius Strip race track in the sky.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

We bought a mini-van.



I just pulled my pants up a little higher and ate a bowl of Fiber One for breakfast.