Five things I want to get rid of

The Penny
Someday we will get rid of the penny and when we finally do, we’ll look back and say, “Why didn’t we do that sooner.” Well? Let’s get rid of it now! Old ladies in front of you in line won’t need to dig for dark, dirty pennies when they can clearly see the large shiny nickels. Think about the poor Burger King employee that screws up the register and can sing the Schoolhouse Rock - Ready or Not, Here I Come (Count By Fives) Song while counting your change out! And we can get rid of that dirty, stinking Need A Penny – Take a Penny dish, the universal coin ashtray.

Get rid of the stinking penny. Check out this high-tech website for more information.

Daylight Savings Time
Remember back in the 90’s and 00’s when CEOs were getting 90 million dollar golden parachutes and when someone would raise their head above the din and suggest that was bullshit, we’d all shrug our shoulders and say, “That’s just the way it is?” Well now we know different. The same goes for Daylight Savings Time. Twice a year we get beat upside the head with sixty minutes of unnecessary agrarian adjustment. People suggest, “Well, farmers and retailers can use the extra sunlight and there are less accidents. It’s just the way it is.” Bullshit. Farmer gets up when rooster says git up. Retailers will make up any lost time on the back end. I have kids and every time the clock changes, I have to re-wire my kids’ schedules over seven days to get them back on track. Let's just pick one or the other-forward or back- and stick with it. I assume one is better than the other. I just think that once a year the bars should stay open an hour later and everyone would be happy with that. Get rid of DST change. Here’s a site where you can pretend you care.

9/10 Gas Prices
What really pisses me off about the 9/10 gas prices is that you cannot get the pump to give you the 9/10 price… it rounds up for you. That’s why whenever I go into the station to pay, I take a penny from the dirty, stinking Need A Penny – Take a Penny dish. If we can’t get rid of the 1/10th of a cent, I don’t see how we are going to get rid of the penny. So let’s start small. No prices shall be posted unless there is an increment of change in that denomination. I think everyone knows that Richard Pryor faked his own death and is on a remote desert island somewhere collecting the 1/10th of a cent from every gallon of your gas purchase. {photo from The Truth About... on Flickr}

Corks
I was recently stuck on a deserted island with Richard Pryor. During my “note in the bottle” project, I had the choice of putting an air tight screw cap on the bottle or shoving some tree bark (cork) in the top of the bottle to safely secure the note within the bottle. Being a romantic, I chose tree bark. As I watched the bottle fill with water and sink, I had to ask myself, “does the cork industry really have this much influence on my life?” Screw caps work better than corks. You can actually keep a bottle of wine for 24 hours with a cap and not have it littered with cork shrapnel. Get over yourself and let’s get rid of corks.

Gift Cards
I’m not sure if your mom or Uncle Bob realize this, but cash is the best gift in the world. There is no better gift and there is absolutely nothing wrong or tacky or gauche about giving cash. A gift card is like buying dinner for your date and having the big box store under the table with their hands down your date’s pants eating the leftovers. Nothing good can come of a gift card. I have never spent exactly what was on a gift card. Either I left $1.89 on the card or spent more that what was on the card. Either way, the store wins. I still have an AppleBee’s $25 dollar gift card in my wallet. I assume that some day I will use it to try to jimmy a lock, otherwise I will never use it. Fuck it… I’m going to sell it on e-bay for $49.99. Anyone stupid enough to buy a gift card in the first place will be dumb enough to pay way too much for it in the second place. Buy it here: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130306190376&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:1123

Cheaper Alternative for Gasoline

Weight Loss Could Save Billions And Lower Gas Prices

ATHENS, OH - Researchers at Russ College of Engineering and Technology at Ohio University have calculated that if every adult in the United States lost fifteen pounds, the savings to the economy in gasoline alone would amount to three billion dollars over the next year.
Cascading savings from the weight loss would also include fuel savings on fewer shipments of food, reduction in health care costs, as well as a reduction in gasoline demand which in turn would cause an overall drop in gas prices of approximately eight cents per gallon.

Roger Good, PhD, is the lead researcher on the project. “We Americans are hauling around a lot of extra weight. Getting rid of fifteen pounds of it will save fuel and, in turn, lower fuel costs.”

But wouldn’t the loss of consumption hurt the economy? No f’ing way says enthusiastic Ralph Connor, graduate student, “The need for more nutritious foods would replace the monetary loss from the quantity of fatty foods. Maybe the Ho-Ho people will come out with a soy version of the treat!”

Other areas of the economy would see a positive spin from the weigh loss. “You would also see a spike in the retail industry as smaller Americas seek out new clothes,” smiled Dr. Good. "Indeed, our research shows that the only business segment detrimented [sic] by a slimmer, trimmer America would be the health club / fitness industry. But really, with revolutionary home fitness solutions like Billy Blanks' Tae-Bo, Bowflex and the Hawaii Chair, traveling to gymnasiums is an idea whose time has come and gone, which ultimately contributes to further decreases in fuel consumption. It's a snowball effect."

Though the researchers do not think everyone has the willpower to stay on a diet, they believe that liposuction could be utilized to remove fat from people who are unwilling to voluntarily go on a diet. “We are working with Pacific Natural Energy (PNE) to see if we can actually turn human fat into biofuel with a device called ‘the FatBox.’” Plans are in the works for mobile liposuction labs called “Suck Trucks” which will be powered by the human bio-diesel. Connor whispers, “Some of these patients [hand gestures indicating a fatty] could power the Suck Truck for a week.”

0.025 Gallon Gas Reciept

At the end of last month, I stopped to get Kroger gas after shopping at the local Kroger store. They suckered me in with the Kroger Card and points and the hope of someday getting a $5 gift certificate after spending $1000 at their store.

When I pulled up to the pumps, another person was getting back in their car and circling around to another pump. I assumed it was because they pulled up on the wrong side of their car.

I scanned my Kroger Card, slid my credit card through the reader and waited to be deemed worthy. I was told to select my grade of fuel and begin pumping.

When I pulled the handle, I got an immediate, unsatisfying clunk of nothingness and the handle going slack. I adjusted the handle angle and tried again. I thrust the pump phallus in and out of my car's wanting fuel hole to no avail. At that moment, the other car person was doing the same thing I was and then realized that the pumps were all malfunctioning and that I wouldn't be getting gas at Kroger's that night.

When I reinserted the nozzle back into the pump, I noticed that the digital readout suggested that "some" gas had made it into my tank. 0.025 of a gallon to be specific. That of course is complete BS as the pump didn't even kick on and that tiny amount of gas would have evaporated before it reached the end of the nozzle.

Now, how much does twenty five thousandths of a gallon of gasoline cost at $3.449 per gallon? Nine fucking cents.



What's really great is that because I used my Kroger Card, I saved .00075 cents!

And what's really sad is that $3.449 for gas would be a steal today.