Two Days

My friend shared some terrible news about a person in their life that might have a very poor diagnosis and a limited time to live. For the next few days, their family and friends are in limbo while the outcomes of the tests are determined. How much time to live. What possible medical actions to take. What to do. What they don’t have time to do. Helpless. That maybe hoping upon hoping that just maybe it’s nothing. Hopeless. Heartbreakingly sad.

And while we were talking, I thought about recent events in my life and how it would be interesting if friends or relatives could appear to you and explain that they would be dying in 48 hours. That you could have two whole days to spend with them and prepare. The deal would be that you cannot change the future events; that they are given those two days on the promise that they could spend them with loved ones, but that after 48 hours they would die.

Then I thought about what I would do with that time. What would I do with those two days? What would I do and who would I try to see before those 48 hours were over? I have a bad feeling that I would completely waste them. I have poor time management skills and near alcohol addiction and I can see myself getting people together for a party that I get completely drunk at and wake up, hungover with just enough time to say something cryptic before I die.

So here’s my 48 hours.

0:00 The 48 hour Death Courier appears and lets me know that I have 48 hours left to live.

1:30 I get done having the Death Courier explain for the 48^th time that no, it’s not a joke and that I’ve wasted 90 minutes.

1:31 Post of Facebook that I have less than 48 hours to live and I want to say as many goodbyes as possible.

1:32 Unfriend all the people that I really never liked in the first place, but felt obligated to follow.
(Not you.)

3:57 Realize that I just wasted two and a half hours watching YouTube videos.

5:00 Gather my immediate family close and let them know how much I love them and that I will miss them horribly.

5:01 Break up the kids from fighting about who gets to hold the kitty at the funeral and who even said that the cat could come to the funeral!

6:00 Friends begin to arrive. Many of them to collect debts. (Redhead Jen still wants that $100.)

6:01 We start to drink.

7:00 I make some poor decisions.

7:30 More poor decisions. Damn you Sailor Jerry’s!

8:00 Additional poor decisions, but I’ll be dead in just a few hours, so what the hell!

28:00 Oh shit. I wake up in my car trunk. I pull the emergency latch and crawl out and into the house. Into bed.

32:00 I’m finally not hungover anymore and crawl out of bed.

32:01 I remember that I haven’t watched Season 2 of Stranger Things.

32:02 I do the math and realize I can watch Season 2.

40:00 Holy crap… completely worth it.

40:01 I eat a whole bag of Swedish Fish

40:02 Shower

40:03 Sex

40:03:30 Nap

42:00 Sign my will. Buy a $1,000,000,000 Life Insurance policy.

42:05 Delete my internet history.

42:06 I make a final blog post, listing my grievances against my enemies and thanking my friends.

42:15 I forgive my enemies. They had their reasons for disliking me. I have to honor that.

43:00 We go out to dinner. I’ll probably get steak.

44:45 Damn, it took a long time for the bill to come.

45:00 Two large Frosty’s. That F*cking no carb diet is out the door.

45:10 I gather my wife and kids and my arms and hold them until the end comes.

45:25 My arms get tired and we take a break.

46:00 We decide to put on “The Princess Bride” and watch it until my time comes.

47:50 There’s just enough time to watch the prologue of “The Royal Tenenbaums.”

47:55 A quick debate about what was actually in the ball shaped present that Royal gave Margot. (It was a ball!)

47:58 My regrets! So many. And now at the end, they stand like an army before me, shouting taunts and curses. In my last despair I look up, and there is my wife, her brilliance destroys those countless demons and all that is left is pure light.

47:59 And then with one minute left, my wife suffocates me with a pillow. “No one is taking this away from me.”