This is not going to be a list about jumper cables, a wool
blanket, toilet paper and kitty litter.
Your dad can tell you what items you should have in your trunk for an
emergency. This list is about the other
things you should have in your trunk to be Awesome.
Reflective Vest, Hard Hat and Clipboard
At some point in your life, you will want to be somewhere
where you are not supposed to be. This
could be a concert you don’t have tickets to or into an Apple Store when there
is an iPhone released. A hard hat alone
will get you into 75% of places you are not supposed to be. You throw in a
reflective vest and clipboard and you will most certainly be allowed to pass
into any venue. The key to sneaking
around is to look like you belong. Gather these items from your trunk, put them
on and go through a back door or access hallway. These items not only make you
look like you should be there, but you might find yourself actually running the
event or changing the architecture on a major bridge project. It also works as
a great Halloween costume in a pinch.
Framed, Autographed Photo of Yourself with Double Sticky Tape
Self-respecting New York Delis and upstanding bars
throughout the country fill their walls with autographed photos of their
customers. Instead of wasting your time winning a Nobel Prize or directing a
major motion film, just keep an autographed, framed photo in your trunk. Use
very high bond, double sticky tape so that you don’t have to bother with nails
or screws. Walk in, add your face to
their wall and then demand free food/drinks.
If you are like me, you keep several framed photos in the car with a
sharpie so that the photo can be personalized to the location.
A Roll of Toilet Paper
OK. So I lied about the toilet paper. But I’m not talking
about emergency craps on the side of the Interstate between the car door and
your embarrassed spouse holding a jacket to hide your shame. I’ve got something more nefarious in mind.
We all have an enemy. If you don’t, get one. It’s great to
focus your own personal failings on someone else. Late at night, when you are
driving past your enemy’s house, jump out and use that one roll of toilet paper
to TP a tree/shrub. You don’t have to use the whole roll. Just get a good foundation going and then
leave the rest of roll. The next
morning, your enemy will walk out and see this attack upon their
homestead. They are going to think two
things:
1. They have been attacked and they don’t know why.
2. The attack was halted, as only one roll was
partially used, and the perpetrators will be back to finish the job.
You now have created a paranoid enemy. They’ll constantly be looking over their
shoulder. They’ll stay up late at night, hiding in the bushes with a shotgun,
waiting to take out the next person who steps in their yard. Over time, they’ll become exhausted, go crazy
and get arrested for shooting the paper delivery girl. Then it’s time for you to get another roll of
toilet paper and a new enemy.
Two Sets of Jumper Cables
OK. So I lied about the jumper cables.
Here’s the deal.
Anyone asking you for a jumpstart is really at the bottom of the barrel.
They don’t have AAA. They knew their battery was shitty and they didn’t replace
it. They don’t have friends because otherwise they wouldn’t be asking you. On top of that… they don’t even have jumper
cables. Their life sucks. But you are Awesome and you come to their rescue. You
give them the jump they need to get their car started. And on top of that… you GIVE them your 2nd
set of jumper cables. Let’s be honest… if their car has died once, it’s going
to die again. They’ll need those jumper
cables. Plus, it will leave a lifelong
impression on them, just like it did to me.
