Short Cut
Many of us know this as “No Through Trucks,” but it really means “This is a short-cut to somewhere else.” Truckers know the quickest routes from point A to point B and neighborhoods get mad when trucks short-cut through their streets. The neighbors will clamor for the city to erect signs that politely ask the trucks not to come through, but at the same time give everyone else a clear marking for a short-cut. Thanks, suckers!
Crash Into Me
This is a directional warning sign. It tells you that there is imminent danger on one side of the sign and safety on the other. But which side is which? The safe side is the one where the black and yellow stripes point down. (In this case, the safe side is the left side. I think.) By the time you do the visual math in your head it is going to be too late. It’s best to play it safe and ram you car straight into the sign. Sure, your car is totaled, but it beats falling off a cliff. There is also no guarantee that the road worker dude installed the sign correctly. Until they start putting arrows on these signs, play it safe and ram it.
Snakes Following Your Car
This one is obvious, but I had to include it.
Left Hand Turn with Attitude
A U-turn is just an extended left hand turn. If you take the same precautions with a U-turn as a left hand turn, plus the additional lookout for traffic turning into you, U-turns should not be outlawed. In Ohio they are illegal, but only when you get caught. I would suggest the you explain to the officer pulling you over that you were making a left hand turn and got carried away. Ohio cops are pretty jovial.
Deer Jumping Over Your Car
My problem with this sign is that it fools you into thinking that the deer is jumping over the road and harmlessly over your car. I can see why any average driver would think that with the scale of this sign. Let’s take the car from the “Snakes Following Your Car” sign and put it on the “Deer Jumping Over Your Car” sign.
See! Right over the top. They need to make the sign with the deer standing in the middle of the road, staring dumbly straight at you, which is exactly what you see right before you hit a deer.
Please, Please, Please Go This Slow
If you see a yellow speed limit sign, it is just a speed suggestion. Some worry wart at the Division of Transportation will sleep soundly tonight, knowing that his road will be suggestively safer due to his request that you please go slower. I suggest going the posted speed limit and as you lose control of your car, aim for the little yellow sign.
Please Let Me In / Get Out of My Way
Yield is the only sign that has two completely different meanings depending on what angle you are looking at it from. If I am the one yielding, it means that I need to speed up to engage the traffic and slip into the stream of cars that will kindly allow me to merge into the happy community of commuters. On the other hand, if you are yielding to me, this sign means that you need to come to a complete stop to gain entry into MY lane. You are my bitch. Get behind me. Don’t try to speed up and sneak in because I can LEGALLY run you off the road.
Don’t Be Polite
This looks like a normal four-way stop sign. It is actually the lurking place of people who think they are being nice. If you are the first one at a four-way stop sign, you get to go through the intersection first. If two people show up at the exact same time, the person to the right of you goes first (and you might be the person on the right so get moving.) If four people show up at the same time, it's every man for himself. But sometimes, you’ll be the second one to an intersection, and Mr. Nice Guy will want to let you go first. If you think you are being a good neighbor by letting someone go in front of you, you are mucking up the whole system. STOP IT. These “do-gooders” are just asking for an accident, waving their hand and smiling. Your job is to sit and wait for them to comply with the rules of the four way stop. Soon, they will begin to frown and wave their hand frantically. Finally, in disgust, they will peel out and shake their fist as they go by. I hate do-gooders.
You Are Lost
If you see this sign, you are lost. Immediately turn around and consult your iPhone directions. Again.
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