Hobo Egg
Here at the HolyJuan house, the only way to get our kids to eat eggs is to make Hobo Eggs for them. I'm sure it's because it is cool looking and interactive. Here's how we do it:
Ingredients:
Slice of bread
Butter
Egg
Tools:
Knife
Plate
Frying pan
Spataula
Narrow glass
Grab a slice of bread and put it on a plate:
Butter it, one side only:
If you try to butter both sides, you'll get most the butter sticking to the plate. Just butter one side.
Now, get your narrow glass. Make sure it doesn't breach the crust or you will have a broken dam egg situation. A shot glass is too small. A tumbler is too big. I suggest a Star Wars glass. "Egg or egg not, there is no egg beaters.":
Now, force the glass down through the bread to create a tiny bread circle:
Now, go back in time and put your frying pan on the stove on medium heat. Good! Now, drop a dollop of butter in the pan and wait for it to melt. Drop the circle of bread on it butter side up:
Now do the same with the bread. Get enough butter in the pan to make a bread sized pool of melted butter and drop your big slice of bread on it butter side up:
I usually add a little more butter in the middle, just to make sure:
Now, add the egg. Crack it first:
Flip both:
Make sure you don't cook the yolk all the way though so the small round piece can be used for dipping:
And that is how you make a Hobo Egg!
Next week, Pressed Duck.
Ingredients:
Slice of bread
Butter
Egg
Tools:
Knife
Plate
Frying pan
Spataula
Narrow glass
Grab a slice of bread and put it on a plate:
Butter it, one side only:
If you try to butter both sides, you'll get most the butter sticking to the plate. Just butter one side.
Now, get your narrow glass. Make sure it doesn't breach the crust or you will have a broken dam egg situation. A shot glass is too small. A tumbler is too big. I suggest a Star Wars glass. "Egg or egg not, there is no egg beaters.":
Now, force the glass down through the bread to create a tiny bread circle:
Now, go back in time and put your frying pan on the stove on medium heat. Good! Now, drop a dollop of butter in the pan and wait for it to melt. Drop the circle of bread on it butter side up:
Now do the same with the bread. Get enough butter in the pan to make a bread sized pool of melted butter and drop your big slice of bread on it butter side up:
I usually add a little more butter in the middle, just to make sure:
Now, add the egg. Crack it first:
Flip both:
Make sure you don't cook the yolk all the way though so the small round piece can be used for dipping:
And that is how you make a Hobo Egg!
Next week, Pressed Duck.
The Saddest Spoon OR Beloved Silverware Found
My co-worker, Hugh, found this spoon below at the Goodwill Store. (Side Story - We have a project that requires a large amount of spoons and he went to the Goodwill to buy them. As he was checking out with every spoon in the store, the lady said, "You can't buy all these spoons." Hugh asked why. She said, "Because then we won't have any spoons if someone else wants to buy them." In the end, he lied and said he was buying them for an old folks home kitchen and she bought it, so he bought the spoons.)
The backside says, "To my First, Last and Only True Love"
 |
| The bottom of the handle has a small hole for mounting or possibly a necklace. |
The spoon is engraved, "Susie, Will You Marry Me?" along with the date in 2012.
The backside says, "To my First, Last and Only True Love"
I see two scenarios:
Scenario One: This poor schmuck asked Susie to marry him and she said, "No way, spoon boy." He then gave the spoon to Goodwill in the hopes to write off his misery on his taxes."
Scenario Two: Susie said , "Yes," but that when they moved in together the spoon was lost when they gave away all their worldly possessions, because with this kind of spoon loves, they only need each other and this piece of silverware. So if you know the owners, let me know and we can try to get it back to them.
I really hope it is scenario two.
Jury Duty - By Tom Lynch
Tom Lynch (@DIGcomic on Twiiter) heard I was going to be on jury duty next week and created this drawing. I absolutely love it.
My coffee at work
Empty mason jar
Fill with ice
Add coffee
One creamer
Two creamers
Top off with more ice
After three of these I vibrate until about 2:00 a.m.
July 30th is Annual Update You Laminated List Day
I think everyone is aware
that July 30th is the Annual Update Your Laminated List Day!
As you all know, a
laminated list is the three famous people with whom your spouse/significant other will allow you
to have sex with, if ever the opportunity presents itself. If you happen to run
into one of your three famous people and they are drunk enough to let you jump in
the sack / couch / Robert Downey Jr.'s limo with you, then you have
permission to have guilt free sex with any one of the three people on that list.
This year, I have done an almost complete revamp of my list. I tried to
avoid being extremely creepy, so this list is just mostly creepy.
1. Christina Ricci (Not sure she will ever
leave the list)
2. Milana Vayntrub (She’s the AT&T girl and my crushy crush.)
Father's Day Gift Tips
What NOT TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Soap on a Rope (unless he’s in jail)
2. The DNA test (let’s just keep that between Mom and the Fed-Ex guy)
3. Anything with the word “soy” in it.
4. Used scaffolding
5. Beer in amounts more than 39 ounces
6. Rocking chair
7. Old Spice
8. Elvis anything
9. Chalk or anything that is written on with chalk
10. Lie detector
What TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Carbide
2. Link to website on how to delete internet history/cookies.
3. A tie (it’s back in this year)
4. Bacon, 10 pounds (raw or cooked)
5. Anything that starts with Nintendo, has Station in the middle or ends with Box.
6. Salted anything
7. Bribe money
8. Boxed wine
9. Dashboard hula girl
10. “How to Pass a Lie Detector Test” book/pamphlet
1. Soap on a Rope (unless he’s in jail)
2. The DNA test (let’s just keep that between Mom and the Fed-Ex guy)
3. Anything with the word “soy” in it.
4. Used scaffolding
5. Beer in amounts more than 39 ounces
6. Rocking chair
7. Old Spice
8. Elvis anything
9. Chalk or anything that is written on with chalk
10. Lie detector
What TO GET your dad for Father’s Day
1. Carbide
2. Link to website on how to delete internet history/cookies.
3. A tie (it’s back in this year)
4. Bacon, 10 pounds (raw or cooked)
5. Anything that starts with Nintendo, has Station in the middle or ends with Box.
6. Salted anything
7. Bribe money
8. Boxed wine
9. Dashboard hula girl
10. “How to Pass a Lie Detector Test” book/pamphlet
The Secret Meanings of Road Signs
You've seen these road/traffic signs, but do you know what they really mean?
Short Cut
Many of us know this as “No Through Trucks,” but it really means “This is a short-cut to somewhere else.” Truckers know the quickest routes from point A to point B and neighborhoods get mad when trucks short-cut through their streets. The neighbors will clamor for the city to erect signs that politely ask the trucks not to come through, but at the same time give everyone else a clear marking for a short-cut. Thanks, suckers!
Crash Into Me
This is a directional warning sign. It tells you that there is imminent danger on one side of the sign and safety on the other. But which side is which? The safe side is the one where the black and yellow stripes point down. (In this case, the safe side is the left side. I think.) By the time you do the visual math in your head it is going to be too late. It’s best to play it safe and ram you car straight into the sign. Sure, your car is totaled, but it beats falling off a cliff. There is also no guarantee that the road worker dude installed the sign correctly. Until they start putting arrows on these signs, play it safe and ram it.
Snakes Following Your Car
This one is obvious, but I had to include it.
Left Hand Turn with Attitude
A U-turn is just an extended left hand turn. If you take the same precautions with a U-turn as a left hand turn, plus the additional lookout for traffic turning into you, U-turns should not be outlawed. In Ohio they are illegal, but only when you get caught. I would suggest the you explain to the officer pulling you over that you were making a left hand turn and got carried away. Ohio cops are pretty jovial.
Deer Jumping Over Your Car
My problem with this sign is that it fools you into thinking that the deer is jumping over the road and harmlessly over your car. I can see why any average driver would think that with the scale of this sign. Let’s take the car from the “Snakes Following Your Car” sign and put it on the “Deer Jumping Over Your Car” sign.
See! Right over the top. They need to make the sign with the deer standing in the middle of the road, staring dumbly straight at you, which is exactly what you see right before you hit a deer.
Please, Please, Please Go This Slow
If you see a yellow speed limit sign, it is just a speed suggestion. Some worry wart at the Division of Transportation will sleep soundly tonight, knowing that his road will be suggestively safer due to his request that you please go slower. I suggest going the posted speed limit and as you lose control of your car, aim for the little yellow sign.
Please Let Me In / Get Out of My Way
Yield is the only sign that has two completely different meanings depending on what angle you are looking at it from. If I am the one yielding, it means that I need to speed up to engage the traffic and slip into the stream of cars that will kindly allow me to merge into the happy community of commuters. On the other hand, if you are yielding to me, this sign means that you need to come to a complete stop to gain entry into MY lane. You are my bitch. Get behind me. Don’t try to speed up and sneak in because I can LEGALLY run you off the road.
Don’t Be Polite
This looks like a normal four-way stop sign. It is actually the lurking place of people who think they are being nice. If you are the first one at a four-way stop sign, you get to go through the intersection first. If two people show up at the exact same time, the person to the right of you goes first (and you might be the person on the right so get moving.) If four people show up at the same time, it's every man for himself. But sometimes, you’ll be the second one to an intersection, and Mr. Nice Guy will want to let you go first. If you think you are being a good neighbor by letting someone go in front of you, you are mucking up the whole system. STOP IT. These “do-gooders” are just asking for an accident, waving their hand and smiling. Your job is to sit and wait for them to comply with the rules of the four way stop. Soon, they will begin to frown and wave their hand frantically. Finally, in disgust, they will peel out and shake their fist as they go by. I hate do-gooders.
You Are Lost
If you see this sign, you are lost. Immediately turn around and consult your iPhone directions. Again.
Short Cut
Many of us know this as “No Through Trucks,” but it really means “This is a short-cut to somewhere else.” Truckers know the quickest routes from point A to point B and neighborhoods get mad when trucks short-cut through their streets. The neighbors will clamor for the city to erect signs that politely ask the trucks not to come through, but at the same time give everyone else a clear marking for a short-cut. Thanks, suckers!
Crash Into Me
This is a directional warning sign. It tells you that there is imminent danger on one side of the sign and safety on the other. But which side is which? The safe side is the one where the black and yellow stripes point down. (In this case, the safe side is the left side. I think.) By the time you do the visual math in your head it is going to be too late. It’s best to play it safe and ram you car straight into the sign. Sure, your car is totaled, but it beats falling off a cliff. There is also no guarantee that the road worker dude installed the sign correctly. Until they start putting arrows on these signs, play it safe and ram it.
Snakes Following Your Car
This one is obvious, but I had to include it.
Left Hand Turn with Attitude
A U-turn is just an extended left hand turn. If you take the same precautions with a U-turn as a left hand turn, plus the additional lookout for traffic turning into you, U-turns should not be outlawed. In Ohio they are illegal, but only when you get caught. I would suggest the you explain to the officer pulling you over that you were making a left hand turn and got carried away. Ohio cops are pretty jovial.
Deer Jumping Over Your Car
My problem with this sign is that it fools you into thinking that the deer is jumping over the road and harmlessly over your car. I can see why any average driver would think that with the scale of this sign. Let’s take the car from the “Snakes Following Your Car” sign and put it on the “Deer Jumping Over Your Car” sign.
See! Right over the top. They need to make the sign with the deer standing in the middle of the road, staring dumbly straight at you, which is exactly what you see right before you hit a deer.
Please, Please, Please Go This Slow
If you see a yellow speed limit sign, it is just a speed suggestion. Some worry wart at the Division of Transportation will sleep soundly tonight, knowing that his road will be suggestively safer due to his request that you please go slower. I suggest going the posted speed limit and as you lose control of your car, aim for the little yellow sign.
Please Let Me In / Get Out of My Way
Yield is the only sign that has two completely different meanings depending on what angle you are looking at it from. If I am the one yielding, it means that I need to speed up to engage the traffic and slip into the stream of cars that will kindly allow me to merge into the happy community of commuters. On the other hand, if you are yielding to me, this sign means that you need to come to a complete stop to gain entry into MY lane. You are my bitch. Get behind me. Don’t try to speed up and sneak in because I can LEGALLY run you off the road.
Don’t Be Polite
This looks like a normal four-way stop sign. It is actually the lurking place of people who think they are being nice. If you are the first one at a four-way stop sign, you get to go through the intersection first. If two people show up at the exact same time, the person to the right of you goes first (and you might be the person on the right so get moving.) If four people show up at the same time, it's every man for himself. But sometimes, you’ll be the second one to an intersection, and Mr. Nice Guy will want to let you go first. If you think you are being a good neighbor by letting someone go in front of you, you are mucking up the whole system. STOP IT. These “do-gooders” are just asking for an accident, waving their hand and smiling. Your job is to sit and wait for them to comply with the rules of the four way stop. Soon, they will begin to frown and wave their hand frantically. Finally, in disgust, they will peel out and shake their fist as they go by. I hate do-gooders.
You Are Lost
If you see this sign, you are lost. Immediately turn around and consult your iPhone directions. Again.
Very Lucky
I wrote a play for MadLab's 3 in 30: Lucky show. In the end, the director and I decided to cut out the mime parts. It was too distracting from the two actors and really didn't add anything to the show. Some of the lines were modified as well because part of the mime's job was to constantly have harder and harder death scenes to act out.
Here is the script. Sorry about the formatting:
Here is the script. Sorry about the formatting:
At RISE:
ACE sits in a chair facing stage right. An empty seat is in front of him and also
behind him. A COP walks in with MAN IN
BLACK LEOTARDS and sits him facing away from ACE.
COP
Sit here and
wait until you are called.
The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS does a “tip of
the hat and a bow” to the COP. The COP shakes his head and walks off.
DR. DUNN walks in wearing a suit jacket.
DR.
DUNN
Hello Mr.
Clover. I'm Paul Dunn. I work for the county as a… helper.
ACE
You mean
psychologist?
DR.
DUNN
That sounds so
formal, Mr. Clover. If you want
formality, you can call me Dr. Dunn.
ACE
Hello Dr.
Dunn. Please, call me Ace.
DR.
DUNN
You know, Ace,
it usually it takes about six hours to get a doctor over here to the station.
But I had one client get sick and another escape so my entire morning was open.
ACE
Yes. Lucky me.
DR.
DUNN
It gave me
time to take a nice relaxing walk in the park all alone to gather my thoughts.
ACE
It’s good to
be alone sometimes…
DR.
DUNN
So, I'm here
because you have refused to get a lawyer, you won’t answer any questions and
yet you aren’t requesting to leave. They think you are traumatized. They want
to know if you are capable of even answering questions.
ACE
So basically
they want to know if I’m crazy.
DR.
DUNN
Well, to be
honest, yes.
ACE
Do I get to
look at the ink splotches? I love those tests.
DR.
DUNN
No. We are
just going to talk. I'll write down some notes. Then I'll talk to the judge and
see if we can't.. oh crap...my favorite pen is broken... AND LEAKING! All over
my papers!
(Dr.
Dunn stands up and wipes ink from his hands and reveals an ink splotch on the
paper.)
ACE
I see a knife
stuck in someone’s back.
DR.
DUNN
What?
ACE
The ink blot test...
on your paper.. a knife. In someone’s back.
DR.
DUNN
Oh, I see it
now.
ACE
Here, you can
borrow my pen.
DR.
DUNN
Thanks. Wow,
that’s a weird looking pen. So, why won't you get a lawyer?
ACE
I don't need
one.
DR.
DUNN
You could be
in some very big trouble here. You were
found standing over that bleeding woman. She's in a coma and it’s not looking
good.
ACE
I called 911. That’s
more than just standing over her.
DR.
DUNN
There were no
other witnesses. You seem guilty because you won’t talk.
ACE
In the end,
they’ll find me innocent. They want me here for questions and I don’t need to
answer them just yet. I’ll talk soon enough. I’m sure things will turn in my
favor. They always do. I’m very lucky.
DR.
DUNN
Being lucky
means capitalizing on random opportunities. Nothing more.
ACE
Not for me.
DR.
DUNN
What do you
mean?
ACE
I’m
lucky. Good things happen to me.
DR.
DUNN
You’re not
lucky right now.
ACE
My luck will
turn.
DR.
DUNN
Some people
are good observers. Lucky people find a $20 bill on the ground because they
notice it when so-called unlucky person doesn’t.
ACE
No. It’s more
than that. I’ve been lucky my whole life… but the people around me… they’ve
been unlucky. It’s as if my luck is only based on the misfortune of others.
DR. DUNN
(writing and speaking to himself)
Over-inflated
sense of ego…
ACE
It’s not that.
It’s… it’s luck! The worst kind of lucky.
DR.
DUNN
It’s
coincidence.
(When
ACE speaks about the individual scenarios, the MAN
IN BLACK LEOTARDS
acts
them out.)
ACE
I used to
think that. When I was 8, I wanted the neighbor’s bike. He had an accident when
the brakes failed and was paralyzed. His parents gave me the bike.
(MAN
IN BLACK LEOTARDS Hit by car pantomime.)
DR.
DUNN
That’s more
unfortunate for him than it was lucky for you.
ACE
At 12, I was
the worst kid on the baseball team. We made it to the playoffs and both teams’
Gatorade made everyone but me sick. The coach had no choice but to put me in.
The pitcher couldn’t throw strikes. I got hit by a pitch and the puking runner
on third threw up all the way home for the winning run.
(MAN
IN BLACK LEOTARDS Sick, baseball, puking pantomime.)
DR.
DUNN
That’s just
gross.
ACE
At 16 I wanted
a car. I found $5000 in the street. No one claimed the money, but later we found
out it was dropped when a man was shoved into traffic while leaving the bank.
(MAN
IN BLACK LEOTARDS counting money, pushed in traffic pantomime.)
DR.
DUNN
Everyone gets
lucky. Look, I found this gold coin I
found in the park this morning.
ACE
I’m different.
DR.
DUNN
Ace… do you
know about Indian rain dances?
ACE
Sure. Indians
dance and then it rains.
DR.
DUNN
Sure. But did
you know that they work 100% of the time?
ACE
Now that’s
impossible. Dancing doesn’t make it rain.
DR.
DUNN
The way a rain
dance works is that they dance until it does rain. It’s got to rain some time.
They just dance until it does. When it does, they give credit to the dancing.
ACE
What’s that
have to do with me?
DR.
DUNN
You probably
wish for 100 things a day. When something does happen for you, you forget the
99 other wishes and remember the one.
You just keep wishing for things and when something does randomly fall
in your lap, you blame luck.
ACE
I don’t sit
around wishing all day. As a matter of fact, I spend a lot of time trying not
to wish for anything so that the people around me aren’t hurt. I only wish when
I really need to use it. When I feel like my back is against a wall.
DR.
DUNN
So now you are
a superhero with superpowers?
ACE
At 23, I was
poor, out of work airplane mechanic and in love with a woman who was in love
with my best friend. I loved her with
all my heart. One day I wished we could be together. He was killed in an
industrial accident when he fell down a set of stairs, was impaled on a set of
decorative spears and then fell in a pit of acid. She collected from a huge lawsuit and I was
there to help her through her grief.
(MAN
IN BLACK LEOTARDS falls down stairs, is impaled by spears and falls in acid.
Then, man giving woman hug pantomime.)
DR.
DUNN
That’s a
complete and horrible coincidence.
ACE
If I wish for
something hard enough, I’ll get it.
DR.
DUNN
Still… it
could all be random chance. Couldn’t it?
ACE
Her parents
didn’t bless our relationship. They said they would do everything they could to
keep us apart. I wished they could see
things in a different way. As luck would have it, they died in a small plane
crash and we were able to marry.
(MAN
IN BLACK LEOTARDS Horrible plane crash pantomime.)
DR.
DUNN
You are
beginning to scare me.
ACE
And now, in a
hospital across town, she is dying. She
needs a full liver, kidney and heart transplant. We have the money to pay for it, but not the
organs.
DR. DUNN
I’m sorry to
hear that.
ACE
Worse yet, she
has a very rare blood type.
DR.
DUNN
It seems your
luck has now completely run out.
ACE
Well. You see…
this morning I made a wish.
DR.
DUNN
What are you
saying?
ACE
I wished that
my wife would get better. That she would be able to get the transplant.
DR.
DUNN
The stabbed
woman?
ACE
The woman who
was stabbed… If I’m very lucky, she’ll die and be a donor with my wife’s extremely
rare blood type.
DR.
DUNN
That’s
impossible.
ACE
It’s highly
improbable.
DR.
DUNN
You… you
murdered her!
ACE
It was some
other guy. As a matter of fact, from a distance, he looked a lot like you.
DR.
DUNN
What?
ACE
Yes. Someone
with your looks. Now as I recall, now as the trauma has dissipated, I seem to remember him stabbing her in the
neck. Maybe with a pen.
DR.
DUNN
They won’t
believe you. I have an alibi… I was…
ACE
As luck you
would have it, you were walking in the park alone this morning. With no witnesses.
Except an off duty mime that saw you from afar…
DR.
DUNN
No!
ACE
And I’m
guessing that woman was a rare coin collector and that she is missing a rare
gold coin.
DR.
DUNN
You are
insane! That’s crazy.
ACE
Is it?
The COP walks it and speaks to the MAN
IN BLACK LEOTARDS
COP
Alright, pal.
Time to look at photos and see if you can pick out the man you saw stab the
woman.
The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS beings
pointing to the two other men and miming a stabbing motion.
COP
That’s him?
The MAN IN BLACK LEOTARDS nods and the
COP walks over to the two.
COP
That pen! It
matches the wound on her neck!
DR.
DUNN
It’s not mine!
It’s his!
(The cop reaches in DR. DUNN’s jacket pocket.)
COP
The missing
gold coin. You’re coming with me, murderer.
(The COP drags him off. The MAN IN BLACK
LEOTARDS follows making hanging pantomimes.)
DR.
DUNN
No! It was
him. He set this all up. He did it. He’s the one! He’s….. he’s….
ACE
Very lucky.
THE
END
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