Tiger Woods Apology Speech (revised)

Good morning and thank you for joining me. I have a few things I would like to say:

I am rich. Filthy, stinking rich. When I take a shit, interest rates change. I am rich.

I am a man. Men have penises. We like to stick them in women as much as possible. I am a man.

I am famous. No one on Earth doesn’t know who I am. Most people want to be like me. I am famous.

Because of these things, I want to and can fuck anyone I want, at any time I want. I fucked some girl ten minutes ago in the hallway and might again on the way out. I will continue to fuck whomever I want, whenever I want. I do not care what you think. If you came here looking for me to apologize for something, forget it. I will never apologize for desiring women, dating women, fucking women and then paying women large sum of money to keep them quiet. Mostly quiet.

Yes, I am married and I made a commitment to my wife. But I am too rich, too famous and too manly to be contained by one woman. My wife now understands this. I realize that this may have upset my wife, so to compensate, we have a swear jar at home that we have converted to an infidelity jar. Every time I bang some hot woman, I put a quarter million in the jar. Currently the jar has a GDP greater than Finland and I am expecting it will continue to grow.

To sum up: rich, man, famous, fuck, GDP, no apologies.

Thank you and good day.