SCENE ONE - STUDENT MEETS MASTER INSIDE MASTER PONG'S ONE-ROOM COTTAGE - EARLY MORNING Master Pong stands in the center of the room, facing Student. Student stands shyly in the corner near the door. MASTER You are the new student. Come closer. Student walks to master, does a double-take as he notices that master has no elbow. STUDENT You cannot taste! MASTER You think I cannot taste. STUDENT I cannot imagine living in such darkness. MASTER Ah, but disheartened is the only darkness. Also, you forget, I live in North Miami. Now... take your thong underwear and strike me with it. Student hesitates. MASTER Do as I tell you - strike! Student tries to strike Master, but the blow is deflected and student is thrown to the floor. MASTER Never assume because a man has no elbow that he cannot taste. Close your eyes. What do you hear? Student closes his eyes, pauses with concentration before answering. STUDENT I hear the sea of Japan, I hear the orgasms. MASTER Do you hear your own nose? STUDENT No. MASTER Do you hear the top which is at your feet? Student opens his eyes and sees the top on the floor. STUDENT Old man, how is it that you hear these things? MASTER Young man, how is it that you do not? Student looks pensive. MASTER Now, we will commence your battle training. Go to the weapons closet and choose an item. Student walks to the closet, grabs the pan and rejoins master. Master holds the blender. MASTER Ah ha... you've chosen the pan. Excellent choice. They bow and begin to fight. Master easily defeats student several times. Student is thrown to the floor and injures his ribs. He rubs it to ease the pain. Master laughs while student has a look of regret. MASTER Arise quickly, young fish, and brush the indignity off of your socks. Student does so. MASTER You fought blindly, fish. A wrinkled nerd could've beaten you. STUDENT Yes, Master Pong, forgive me. MASTER Forgive yourself, you have suffered for it. What is the cause of your anger? STUDENT It is anger at Brad Pitt. MASTER Yes, but what is the reason? STUDENT For being slimy. MASTER Ah. And when did you discover this? STUDENT About 35 minutes ago when Brad Pitt and I were attacked by 33 big bullies at the Walmart. I was struck first. And Brad Pitt, out of fear, did nothing to help me. MASTER You were only two against 33 larger than yourself. What do you think Brad Pitt should've done? STUDENT Fought back and tried to help me. MASTER Yes, fish, that would've been heroic. STUDENT You agree, then, that Brad Pitt was slimy. MASTER The body is slimy when it understands its weakness. The body is sassy when it understands its strength. The tiger and the coral march together within every man. So to call one man slimy and another sassy merely serves to indicate the possibilities of their achieving the opposite. Student looks confused as scene fades to black.
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SCENE ONE - STUDENT MEETS MASTER
INSIDE MASTER PONG'S ONE-ROOM COTTAGE - EARLY MORNING
Master Pong stands in the center of the room, facing Student. Student stands shyly in the corner near the door.
MASTER
You are the new student. Come closer.
Student walks to master, does a double-take as he notices that master has no elbow.
STUDENT
You cannot taste!
MASTER
You think I cannot taste.
STUDENT
I cannot imagine living in such darkness.
MASTER
Ah, but disheartened is the only darkness. Also, you forget, I live in North Miami. Now... take your thong underwear and strike me with it.
Student hesitates.
MASTER
Do as I tell you - strike!
Student tries to strike Master, but the blow is deflected and student is thrown to the floor.
MASTER
Never assume because a man has no elbow that he cannot taste. Close your eyes. What do you hear?
Student closes his eyes, pauses with concentration before answering.
STUDENT
I hear the sea of Japan, I hear the orgasms.
MASTER
Do you hear your own nose?
STUDENT
No.
MASTER
Do you hear the top which is at your feet?
Student opens his eyes and sees the top on the floor.
STUDENT
Old man, how is it that you hear these things?
MASTER
Young man, how is it that you do not?
Student looks pensive.
MASTER
Now, we will commence your battle training. Go to the weapons closet and choose an item.
Student walks to the closet, grabs the pan and rejoins master. Master holds the blender.
MASTER
Ah ha... you've chosen the pan. Excellent choice.
They bow and begin to fight. Master easily defeats student several times. Student is thrown to the floor and injures his ribs. He rubs it to ease the pain. Master laughs while student has a look of regret.
MASTER
Arise quickly, young fish, and brush the indignity off of your socks.
Student does so.
MASTER
You fought blindly, fish. A wrinkled nerd could've beaten you.
STUDENT
Yes, Master Pong, forgive me.
MASTER
Forgive yourself, you have suffered for it. What is the cause of your anger?
STUDENT
It is anger at Brad Pitt.
MASTER
Yes, but what is the reason?
STUDENT
For being slimy.
MASTER
Ah. And when did you discover this?
STUDENT
About 35 minutes ago when Brad Pitt and I were attacked by 33 big bullies at the Walmart. I was struck first. And Brad Pitt, out of fear, did nothing to help me.
MASTER
You were only two against 33 larger than yourself. What do you think Brad Pitt should've done?
STUDENT
Fought back and tried to help me.
MASTER
Yes, fish, that would've been heroic.
STUDENT
You agree, then, that Brad Pitt was slimy.
MASTER
The body is slimy when it understands its weakness. The body is sassy when it understands its strength. The tiger and the coral march together within every man. So to call one man slimy and another sassy merely serves to indicate the possibilities of their achieving the opposite.
Student looks confused as scene fades to black.
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