Ask HolyJuan: What Shall I Take in My Suitcase?

Dear HolyJuan,

What shall i take in my suitcase? I have been thinking about this for a while and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject.

Please help.

Thanks.

Warmest Regards,

Larry

Dear Larry,

Who uses a suitcase these days? Are you 100 years old? Is it a steamer or a trunk?

I suggest you throw that suitcase out and use a trash bag. Trash bags are better than suitcases for several reasons.

1. Price = free
They already have trash bags at the airport in the bottoms of the trash cans. This allows you to pack at the airport while waiting for your flight instead of doing it at home. I suggest a double bagging so that people will think that you have money to blow on trash bags.

2. Flexibility
When asked if your bag fits into the bag size detector at the airport, you can cram your trashbag into the device, with clothes and toiletries oozing into ever crack and crevice, ensuring that your beanbag sized bag will make it as carry-on.

3. Speed
When you have a trashbag thrown over your shoulder, the TSA attendants at security assumes you work at the airport and will let you right through to the front of the line. When the metal detector goes off, just say, “Dustpan.”

4. Odor Protection
Stinky clothes or cheese from the Duty Free shop? Buy odor protection bags for your trip back. I suggest the twitsty-tie so that you can get into and out of your bag multiple times when you need a snack or to smell again if your clothes really stink. Man, I love my own stink.

5. Security
If you leave your bag on the floor, no one will pick it up. No one will report it as a bomb. No one will look inside to steal your shit. Even the cleaning people won't touch it because the union forbids them from EVER touching anything outside the trash bins. The only people you need to concern yourself with are the people, like me, who are looking to throw their stuff in a trash bag. When I see you at the airport, I’ll give you a thumbs-up.

So, Larry, toss that suitcase. When you look at a trash bag from now on, I want you to say, “This is My Suitcase.”

Love and respectfully,

HolyJuan