HolyJuan: 2009

I sent a buddy of mine a link to a video of Mike Rowe speaking at TED. His reply (which I have slightly edited) was unexpected, but appreciated.

I say I am a (occupation) a lot. That is my job, but in reality I do very little of that. I am a defender, an advocate, cheerleader, a motivator, a negotiator, a diplomat, a lobbyist and all of these things, make me a leader. I do all of these things in support of those who do the work. Mike is a great speaker. Most people don't pay attention to the fact that the people that grease the wheels of the world, are those that have the gift of oration. I would venture to bet that almost all great things and a whole lot of bad deeds, were born of a great speech. And, even more likely, a small quiet conversation around the water cooler. No product was ever sold or mission ever accomplished simply buying the item, but buying the seller. Wow, all that and not one sarcastic comment or joke, sorry.

Thanks for that.

The Known Universe and Muse

Someone set "The Known Universe" video to music from Muse. Greg drew this picture right after watching it. I like the flag on the moon.

Shouldn't there be a rule against this kind of thing?

My buddy Kevin saw this at a Columbus Chipotle store. I assume Chipotle's employees eating free food on the job policy is pretty strict.

Noah's Greatest Challenge

Buy.com delivers a black pen

I ordered a twelve pack of markers from Buy.com through Amazon. Actually I think I stole them from Buy.com because they were really expensive oil based markers and they were selling them for less than $.50 each.

When the package showed up, I was amazed that they would ship a pack of 12 markers in such a large box.

What's this?

One pen?

The paperwork seemed to say that this was it. One pen. A few e-mails later I worked it out with Buy.com. They had a miscommunication with Amazon and listed the wrong item. Buy.com refunded the cost of the pen and I didn't have to ship it back to them in their outrageously huge box.

Employee Must "Wash Hands" (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

My buddy Dustin found this sign in a Columbus, OH restaurant bathroom:

I think this is secret code for "Don't worry about washing your hands if no customers are around, but if they are in the bathroom, at least run the water for a few seconds and make a good show of it."

You can catch Dustin's website at http://dustincharles.wordpress.com/.

Greg Slides - A Documentary

Fixing Palin

Did you know that Sarah Palin has a Twitter account? You should check it out because it is quite hilarious. She types with the ferocity of a fourth grade, dyslexic H4X0R.

What's silly is that it doesn't have to be that hard. You don't have to be illegible when condensing down your insanity to fit within the confines of Twitter. The word for doesn't always have to be Tweeted as "4".

I~~'ve started~~ used to stay current on a Twitter account called Fixing_Palin where I retype what she Tweets (sometimes pausing to throw up as I do so), fixing her text and making it all fit in 140 characters.

For instance:

or:

I assume that I will keep this up until she fixes her shit or I get bored.

Ask HolyJuan: Traffic Ticket Revenge

Dear HolyJuan:

I recently received a minor traffic violation from an overly eager, by-the-book police officer. I understand that he was just doing his job, but why pull someone over for going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when there are real crimes out there? I would like to send my payment to them in a unique way to show how I feel. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

Logan Leadfoot

Dear Pb 12 inches,

Sorry about your ticket. Sometimes five miles over the speed limit is too much. I assume you were in a 55 MPH zone doing 60 MPH. Tough break.

Here’s a good way to get revenge. EMBARRASSMENT.

Don’t fight the ticket in court. Just suck it up and prepare to pay with cash. Take the cash and, write “28 handjobs” with marker on each bill. This will really throw them off. Next to that, in pencil, write, “Thanks for the discount!” on each bill.

Then, take the cash and wrap it in nude photos of your wife. A lot of them. Make it so the envelope is THICK with tons of photos in all sorts of positions. I’m hoping postage is somewhere around $13.95.

Next, send the whole thing to a 3rd, neutral party. Say me, for instance. I’m at:

HolyJuan
228 Softwhick Rd
Apt 3D
Westerville, OH 43081

I will then forward the cash and photos to the court so that they do not know it is from you and you cannot get into trouble.

The court may call you in a few weeks to suggest that they did not receive the payment, but this is because they are too embarrassed to admit they saw the words “28 hand jobs.” Just ignore the warnings and smile quite nicely to yourself.

Love,

HolyJuan

The Greatest Gift Ever

At a Christmas party this weekend we had a gift exchange and our buddy Pat created the greatest gift ever:

The Self Pleasure Kit

Contents:
1 tube of lotion
1 travel pack of kleenex
1 framed photo of Josh's Mom

A HolyJuan Family Christmas

The HolyJuan clan wishes you a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. May we all be able to afford our own holiday cards next year.

Will There Be Another Indiana Jones Sequel? -A Greg & Dad Film Production

She Asked HolyJuan

Here is non-photoshopped, visual proof that I have one fan who is actually willing to show her face!

Feel free to Ask HolyJuan yourself by e-mailing me at holyjuan@gmail.com.

Sarah Palin will be remembered for ions to come

Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the next President of the United States on Twitter:

Scientific advice from someone who doesn't know ions from eons.

The Bet is Over

The No More Snow in 2009 Bet is over and I was incorrect.

I've always said that you can make 100 insane predictions and if only one of them comes true, people will forget the failed ones and call you a oracle and buy any book you print.

Back in February of 2009, I predicted that Columbus, OH would not receive any more snow in 2009. This was mainly brought on by a couple of future casts that predicted six feet of snow two weeks out.

Though the end of February and then March we didn't get any snow. Towards the end of April we had some flurries, but nothing else. Summer came and then Fall. While other places around the states got early snow, Columbus remained shielded with a dome of positive thoughts and impossible odds.

Right at the end of November, I shared this bet with my local weatherman. He replied:

But then the weeks started to go by. The snow Jym predicted in the first week never materialized. And by the second week, the future cast looked clear. On Wednesday of this week, they predicted flurries for the weekend. Then by Thursday that was updated to snow. And more snow.

Last night as we drove back from Erik's house, the first hint of snow began to fall and those little tiny flakes crushed my Nostradamus aspirations. This morning there is a carpet of way more than 1/4" inch of snow on the ground and the bet is off.

Please check by again in the first week of January for my predictions of 2010. For those interested, here are the links to my predictions from 2007 and 2008:

2007 Predictions
2008 Predictions

Goodbye Kroger Personal Finance

I fucked up. In my last online payment last month, I paid my Kroger Credit for the future date of 12/30/09 instead of 11/30/09. When the paper bill came in the mail, I noticed that there was a late fee of $39.00. I knew I paid the bill so I went through my documentation, saw the error I made and called them up to see if I could get it fixed seeing as I have been a good boy and haven't had a late payment in about four years.

The person I spoke to was nice enough and when I gave her the story she ran off to talk to her supervisor about crediting the late fee. She came back and offered me a one time credit, which I was hoping for. I agreed and she began typing.

Then she said, "Oh, you have a promotional balance transfer."

Six months ago, Kroger had a 3.99% forever transfer deal. I ate that up and shifted some debt from another card on to our empty Kroger Card.

"Why does it matter if we have a promotional balance transfer."

She eeked, "Because that rate might be raised." I didn't ask to what, but I assume it is the default 23432.99%. So I calmly replied, "No. I don't want the higher rate." She said, "No one customer wants the higher rate." Then I replied, then don't raise it." She explained, "I cannot do anything about the rate." Then I gave her the, "Let me talk to your boss." She said, "My boss will not be able to do anything about it." And then I explained using a method I call shouting, "Let me talk to your boss."

She was gone for 2 -3 minutes and then came back on to introduce me to her boss.

Boss said that the rate might go up. I said make it not go up. She said she could do nothing. I said, "Yes you can." She said no.

I canceled the card.

Now I'm wondering where in the paperwork it says that canceling the card means giving up my house and kids.

I would also like to take the time to express that @OSUFanMike is a douche bag.

I know what you did.

God has determined that your life is worth $1,093.09 per day

In 1987, Oral Roberts announced that if he did not raise 8 million dollars by March 1st, 1987, god would “call him home” or die as you and I might phrase it.

Oral Roberts did indeed raise 8 million dollars. In fact, he raised 9.1 million dollars.

8, 325 days later, Oral Roberts was called home. For 9.1 million dollars, he was allowed to live an additional 22 years, 9 months and 14 days.

If you do the math, that makes it a cool $1,093.09 per day the he walked this Earth after the payment was negotiated. That also makes it $45.55 per hour (sans overtime) or $0.75 a minute or $0.012 per second.

Somehow this means that I owe god $15,802,802.00 for my time on Earth. I hope there is a payment plan in hell.

Reflection Fail

My buddy Smail caught this reflection fail in a Macy's elevator in Louisiana.

Though I like the sound of a horror flick, "The Eight Faces of Miranda."

Your Own Kung-Fu Script

Do you like King-Fu movies? Sure, we all do!

Write your own script here at http://www.onlyknives.com/diy-kung-fu-movie-script/. It's kinda like MadLibs and a little like guy-with-a-knife-site-randomly-sends-you-a-link. Both which are cool.

Ohio Court Pays $2,500 a Day for Black Man to have White Man Make-up

LANCASTER OH (HJ) – Trevor R. Smoot, 38, was picked up for attempted burglary on October 21st. Before his appearance at the Fairfield County Courthouse, his defense attorney demanded that Smoot be given an opportunity for a completely fair trial in front of an all white jury. To this end, the lawyer requested that Smoot, a black man, be allowed to wear make-up that made him look like a white man. The court reluctantly agreed, but found itself in a bit of a legal loophole that requires the court to pay for any necessary accommodations for “mei capilli sunt flagrantes” or fair trial without cost.

Recently, Florida murder suspect and neo-Nazi John Ditullio found himself in a similar situation. Every day before court, he spent the hour before his trial in a $125 makeup session, paid for courtesy of the state. His make-up was to cover up Nazi tattoos on his face and neck. Smoot’s lawyer sought the same type of make-up to protect his client from the possible racism of an all-white jury.

At a cost of $2,500 per day, a special trailer has been brought in that houses his make-up artist and the special tools needed to turn Mr. Smoot into a white man. Del Donkins, special effects and make-up artist has worked on such films as “Mrs. Doubtfire 2” and “Shaving Ryan’s Privates.” Mr. Smoot arrived on the first day of trial at 4:30am to begin his make-up session. In about four hours the transformation was complete. To the unknowing jury, he would look just like an every day, ordinary white man.

In the courtroom, as the prosecutor began to present his case, there was a rumbling amongst the jury. Judge Frank Masterson called for order and the foreman was brought to the bench. A few minutes later the foreman returned to the jury box and announced that the jury could never find such an innocent looking man guilty and asked that all charges be dropped. The judge had no other recourse but to drop the charges.

Here is Mr. Smoot’s reaction to the jury’s decision.

What else can you trim?

My favorite beauty medicine doctor had another great (horrific) ad in the local free paper:

I thought that perhaps there could be something trimmed around the holidays besides the tree, so I fixed the ad for her:

Honed for the holidays!

But now I'm kinda grossed out by what the white specks could be.

Thanks for the Discount

Dave, his two brothers and I went in together to give money to a charity. I paid on my credit card and all but one of those jerks has paid up. Here is a close up of the check for $37.50 that Dave sent me.

Poor Guy Was Just Looking For An Opinion

Well, at least he didn't have to go too far for his booking.

Cody Fucked Up

A girl at work receives the Despair Inc catalog at work. They've got some fun products.

She showed me the back of the catalog today. Big address sticker at the top covering a photo and the usual address area at the bottom had text in it.

Looks like Cody fucked up.

Greg Learned How to Write

You might remember my "Stay Out Daddy" post where I tricked Greg into turning his requested door sign into something else.

Well, Greg has learned to spell. Here is his newest sign:

And a scan...

The gist of the sign is that you have to pay to get into his room. There are varied charges based on some level of Evil scale which I still have not figured out.

Smart kid.

My Beef with Van de Kamp's Fish

We bought this box of 10 Van de Kamp's Crispy Fish Fillets.

What's nice about this package of frozen fish parts is that they come individually wrapped in pairs so that you do not throw 2/5th of the box back in the freezer and have to deal with freezer burn and malicious odors.

Except they do not come in pairs. All the frozen fish corpses were stuck in the same plastic bag with no high tech way of sealing back up. The package clearly shows a pair in a bag. I assumed there would be five bags of two.

So I cooked the whole fucking box.

And I almost fell prey to the oldest cooking instructions trick in the book...

Remember to always read all the instructions before cooking. I usually go step by step which would be to bake uncovered for 28 - 30 minutes. Then I would see the "flip" instruction. These instructions should read "Cook 14 minutes. Turn. Cook for 14 - 20 more minutes, dumbass."

Sophie's Choice Dumplings

I'm not sure how to cook these, but I assume gas oven is not recommended.

This Is My Suitcase’s “The Keys To Cat Heaven”

Once again I find myself reviewing music when I have no cognitive capacitance to do such things. Here I go:

I downloaded This Is My Suitcase’s “The Keys To Cat Heaven” and it pretty much rocks. I love this stuff. It is an extremely light album with no heavy bullshit. Interesting lyrics. Musically complex with simplistic instruments.

I’m sure they will kick my ass when I suggest that their music stylings are like bit like an angsty Tiny Tim meets a pre-pubescent Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s with a cat on a Möbius strip leash. Of course, I’ve seen the lead singer at a few shows and he isn’t going to kick anyone’s ass though the guitarist is a big dude and might pummel the likes of me for kicks.

All I know is that when I listen to the album it makes me happy. Dead fish and all.

Check ‘um out at http://www.myspace.com/thisismysuitcase

Buy an album here

@suitcaseband

Facebook

Vampire Test T-shirt

Are you a vampire? Curious? This helpful t-shirt can determine whether you are a vampire or not!

Click on the photo to buy it from Skreened.com!

Ignore this post

Sorry. I am trying one last time to get Technorati to work. VVQXBJGF6WB4

Google Wave for an Ask HolyJuan

Are you interested in a Google Wave invite?

Send me a good "Ask HolyJuan" questions and I will send one off to you.

I've got five invites, so the first five questions I accept will get the invites.

Thanks for playing.

holyjuan@gmail.com

Local Church to Hand out Hams

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) – For a few of central Ohio’s needy, the holidays will be a little bit less hungry. Pastor Art Phelps of the “Our Peoples of God’s Church” will be handing out over 200 hams to those who are in need. Food hand outs started back in 2005 when Pastor Phelps took over for the ailing Pastor Riffic. Pastor Phelps recalled, “We had about 50 people come to the church when we were handing out turkeys. Since then, the demand has grown and we are pleased to serve our Christian community.”

The church does not force people to be part of their congregation to receive the free ham. Pastor Phelps explains, “While we do not discriminate against non-church goers, we did switch from giving away turkeys to giving away hams in 2008 so that we would not get any hungry Muslims or Jews. We want to help as many Christians as possible, so the ham seems to keep the others away.” When asked if needy atheists would be turned away, Pastor Phelps laughed, “We’ll feed the Godless, too. Maybe when they see how generous and kind we are, they will change their ways.”

Ham handouts will continue through the end of the year.

Pathetic Attempt at Political Graffiti

The message might be dead on, but I do not know what the message is supposed to be.

The Last Supper Check

Stitches

Stitches or no?

Large Hadron Collider Warning Sign Translation

In Boston.com there was a beautiful photo spread of the Large Hadron Collider.

One of the photos looked like this:

In the article they say, "The sign at top warns of the presence of helium, argon and/or nitrogen in nearby pipes - gases that (if they leaked out) could displace oxygen and cause unconsciousness."

But I think it means the following:

Twitter takes care of that pesky Jesus question

I was trying to be funny when I wrote the following on Twitter concerning @Allah and @Jesus.

I then thought that maybe I should check to see if @Jesus even exists. When you click on his name, this is what you get:

I guess that answers that!

What to do with $15,000 stolen tax dollars

1. Buy a $15,000 car.
2. Pay lawyer to fight my case against IRS
3. $14,950 worth of ones and use the left over $50 to buy a one dollar bill folding machine
4. $7,500 of vinegar and $7,500 worth of baking soda
5. Buy 517 copies of Sarah Palin's book and use the leftover $12.17 for gasoline and matches
6. Buy a 60 ton Swedish Fish
7. Get 15,000 40oz-ers and make 5000 bums happy for the night
8. Invest in a better website designer. Possibly hire a real writer.
9. Get someone to do P-Dub's homework
10. Pay off credit card, pay off mini van, and use the left over $50 to buy TurboTax 2009.

Board Game Conundrums

No one is really sorry in Sorry!

You can't use the word Scrabble in Scrabble

There are really no monopolies in Monopoly

The Game of Life lacks any death

All the checkers are separated in Connect Four

There is no real candy in Candy Land

Brainstorm is actually well planned out

No one gets in trouble in Trouble

The whole concept behind Don’t Break the Ice is to break the ice

Risk is one army vs twenty; no one ever risks in Risk

Can you think of any more? (Sorry, I had to turn off comments due to spamming.)

Palin Waves Off Presidential Bid in 2012, Instead Aims at Running for Vice President

COLUMBUS OH (HJ) - Sarah Palin announced today from her book signing tour that she will not be seeking the Presidential bid in 2012. “Instead I will be refocused on the path that Americans if they will allow me to run for the office of the Vice President.” Upon hearing the statement, the wall to wall Columbus, Ohio crowd erupted, chanting, “Veep! Veep! Veep! Veep!”

Palin’s logic was very interesting, “I plan on hitting all those Primaries states, but in the opposite order of the Presidential Primaries so as not to be in the Primaries with the others who are in the Primaries for the occupation that is the Presidential Primary.” When asked about a preference as to which possible President she would like to serve under, she laughed, “We all know that doesn’t matter as long as I can accomplish that of which the American people hire me for; to get the job done!”

When it was mentioned that the President and Vice-President are elected together and not separately, Palin gave us a smile and said, “You know, those career politicians in Washington DC might want to trick the American people into voting how they want them to vote. That sounds a lot like Hitler’s Germany to me.”

Palin’s supporters rallied behind her decision. Don Beardee of Columbus was pleased, “I know Sarah will make a great American Vice-President no matter what President she serves under. What she lacks in debating, she make up for in character.” We played along and asked Sarah about the possibility of Obama getting re-elected in 2012 and Palin getting elected as Vice-President and having to serve under him. She smiled and said, “That possibility is a possibility and I have to take it under consideration as to my words with him and actions when international laws are broken and my feelings about dithering in Afghanistan and our brave soldiers needing patriotic support with the gotcha media and policy of really wanting to get those jobs so it is a possible possibility as I mentioned before. GO AMERICA!”