Goodbye Dave

Hello Friends and Debtors of Dave,

As many of you may already know, Dave will be leaving Ohio and traveling north and east to warmer and morally relaxed environs of Maine.

We invite you to join us in the celebration of Dave's friendship through a various combination of friendly conversation, drinks and dance. We will be gathering Thursday, December 4th at 7:00pm at Skully's Music Diner.

Thursday is Ladies 80's Night at Skully’s starting around 9:00pm, and they play 80's music that most of you can actually remember listening to on mix tapes. Any males showing up after 9:00pm will be required to pay Skully's $4 cover charge. Ladies are free on Thursdays. Somehow, Acton gets in for $2.00. Go figure.

Directions and Skully's menu can be found here: http://www.skullys.org/index.htm

On a similar note, Bobby's Heigel's band, The Hot Damn, will be performing at Skully's on Wednesday December 3rd at 9:00pm sharp. If you cannot make the Thursday event, please think about seeing Dave at the Wednesday concert.

Vote for Nag on the Lake

Nag on the Lake (I assume that is her first and last name) is up for some award. I'd like you to vote for her.

http://cdnba.wordpress.com/vote-2008/best-culturalentertainment-blog/

Look down the list until you see Nag on the Lake and click the dot thingy next to her name.

She has suggested, though not actually said via word, thought or e-mail, that she will give me one official Canadian Blow Job if I can get her in first place. I assume that once elected, she will drive down here to deliver, all though now that I think about it, I'll probably have to drive up there as it is a Canadian BJ and not the typical USA BJ which usually included the exchange of money.

Does anyone know what a Canadian Blow Job is?

Vote!

They didn’t get the joke

I recently got an e-mail from a startup blogger website requesting that I take the time to add a blogging term to their on-line blog reference guide or blogohpedia.

So I did. Here is my suggested word submission, “Weak-a-pedia”, for their on-line reference site:


I thought that I would not hear back anything from them or that I’d get a snide reply. Instead I got this:


And here it is on their site:


I don't think they got the joke.

I’m not advertising their site, but if you want to see a whole lot of very lame blog references, check them out here.

Things to do at Skully's UPDATE with photos

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s. I’ve got part of the list below and I wanted to share with you how we did that night.

A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

How’d we do? We only played once and it took about 45 minutes for me to win. I think I guessed New Order.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)

Damon was not there that night.

- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)

Here he is:


- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)

Here is the Old Man


- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)

These two were dressed more 80's punk, but I think the judges will let this one slide.


- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)

Here they are! I don't think they are full time, only part time. Didn’t get the photo of them making out, but believe me! Smoochie smoochie!



- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)

This guy was pretty close. Two beers and a headband? He did a pretty classy job of being "That Guy."


- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)

Did not see him/her. Sorry.

- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

Hello Kitty Girl


C. Where’s is Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

Here is “Doug in ten five years.” (He's the one on the left, asshole.)



D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

I called Acton at some point, but I didn’t hold the phone up in the air.

BONUS! Here was another part of the article about how to prepare/what to do at Skully’s:

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

Stick Empty Beer in Back Pocket



Stick Empty Beer under the Stage


Empty Beer Other


I like Other better

BONUS PHOTOS

Terminator Guy and Old Man in the same photo!


Dave standing next to the main stage make out couple


Old man dancing with Goth Girl (look for her at the bottom of the photo) with Dave and other dude giving the thumbs up.


Here is my boss Erik dancing with Michelle.


And here, my friends, is a heart-breaking photo of Jenn, Dave, Doug and Meshell. Dave is moving to Maine next month. Meshell is heading to New York City. Skully's will never, ever be the same.


Last call.

The Kramer Triplets do the O-H-I-O

Triplets? Yeah, I know, there's four of them. I had to take Jenn and shop her in as that fourth letter.

Time Travel Photo Fix

I got this e-mail from a reader:

Hello HolyJuan,

I am hoping you can help me out. A few weeks ago, I took this photo at my daughter's seventh birthday. To my embarrassment, the 7 is backwards in the photo.

Anyway you can fix this for me?

Thanks,

Tina

Here is the photo in question.


Dear Tina,

I think I can help you. Sadly, my pirated version of CorelDRAW is locked up and I cannot shop it for you.

BUT! My time machine is working. I'll just go back in time to a right before the photo is taken and turn it for you. Hold on just a minute...

OK, I'm back! Sorry that took so long. I stuck a round a few extra days and took a little vacation in the past. While there, I went all the way back to June to fix a little drunken incident at a party in Chicago. I'm sure no one will mind. Here is the photo!



Take care!

HolyJuan

Margot and the Nuclear So and So's on Conan O'Brien

Love this band. I also love the Back Piano.

Ask HolyJuan: Itch that Needs a Scratch

Dear HolyJuan,

I’m hoping you can help me out with a relationship issue.

I just recently got out of a long term relationship and am playing the field. I have recently started to date a guy, but it is not serious yet. I do not think I am ready to jump back into a heavy relationship, but I also have an itch that needs a scratch.

Is it OK to have sex with this new guy I’m dating or would you suggest something else?

Thanks,

Cindy

PS And no, the itch is not an STD… it means I want to get laid.


Dear Cindy,

Hey, is that itch you have crabs? (I know, but I had to say it anyways.)

Listen Cindy, you sound like a nice girl, especially when you say you want to get laid. But I think you are heading down the same path of your previous relationship. If you are dating a guy and then work into sex, you form a bond and that leads to exclusive dating and next thing you know you are picking out flowers and a photographer.

You want sexual relief without the relationship? Here are a few options:

1. Go Gay
Maybe what you need is an experimental weekend to curb your enthusiasm. I suggest getting all dressed up, hitting a club you do not often frequent, picking out a girl that is just slightly hotter than you and buying her a drink. This doesn’t work for guys, but somehow works for girls. Dance with her. Make the first move. Make out a bit to “tease the boys.” Then whisper those oh so lovely words, “Let’s go back to your place.” Jump, chomp and the deed is done. Do not take her back to your place, because if she is a true lesbian, she might try to move in the next day.

2. Go Old
Find a nice, older guy (say 38 years old) and let him buy you stuff and bang you. Old guys are good at that. They also last forever in the sack, due to the medicine they take to get it up. By banging a geezer, you get free stuff, you get laid and the guy will probably die of old age before you fall in love with him. If he starts pawing on you and wanting to have a deeper relationship, threaten to tell his wife and boil his kids’ rabbit.

3. Find a Friend
Nothing is better than friends who have non-committal sex. This way, you all ready have the relationship thing out of the way. You pretty much know your friend and can predict the outcomes. And also your friend probably all ready wants to nail you because guys cannot be friends with girls without wanting to have sex with them. So look around and if you see a guy that is a friend, I highly suggest you have sex with him.

Some people are born into their careers

I'm guessing his middle name is Ken.

Jesus Takes a Shower

Please scroll down to see all three panels.

Obama Withdraws Clinton Secretary of State Offer

CHICAGO, IL – Speaking to a crowd of reporters this evening near President Elect Barack Obama’s office, Robert Gibbs announced that Obama was recanting his appointment of the Secretary of State position to Hillary Clinton. “We are disappointed to announce that due to a clerical error we must withdraw the offer of the position.”

All this week, Washington has been abuzz with the prospect of once opponent Clinton becoming one of the highest regarded positions in the new administration. Obama has repeatedly waved off speculation about the appointment by saying, “I do not believe this to be a very big deal.”

But earlier today during a Q&A session with the President Elect, it seemed that reporters pressing for more information about the Secretary of State appointment caused Obama a bit of pause and he called Robert Gibbs over for a private meeting. Hours after the meeting, Gibbs made the announcement that the position is still open. “It seems that when President Elect Obama was asked to think about what role he wanted Hillary to take on in his administration, he wrote down the position on a piece of paper and handed it off to an aide. The aide misunderstood what was written on the paper and we apologize for the confusion it might have caused.”

Our sources were able to dig the discarded piece of paper from the Presidential Elect Official Recycling Bin. The contents of the note are shown below.

Reddit Thumbnail Photo Fail

The Reddit thumbnail photo system needs some massaging.

Bedroom Political Systems

Morning Math

A Clintonista Apologizes

A few months ago, I had an internet tussle with a Clintonista. (If you are not aware, a Clintonista is like a pitbull without lipstick.) You can see the comments here: http://clintonista.wordpress.com/2008/04/23/what-hillary-clintons-impressive-pennsylvania-win-means/#comments

During our little debate, this Clintonista said that she would offer up an apology if Obama won the election.

Well, as you can guess, I have not heard from her.

So instead, I've written the apology letter for her:

Dear HolyJuan,

As I promised, here is my apology.

I am sorry for criticizing you when it turned out that you were right and I was wrong.

I am sorry for turning my back on the Democratic Party.

I am sorry for any hurt feelings I may have caused any Obama supporters by blindly supporting McCain when Hillary was defeated in the primaries.

I am sorry that I doubted Barack Obama. My love for Hillary Clinton was absolute and I had to blame someone for her loss.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Obama for throwing Clinton a bone and making Hillary Secretary of State.

HolyJuan, you might not be the most handsome man in the world, but I respect you and your opinion and maybe someday I will earn your respect.

Your (hopefully someday) friend,

A Clintonista


Wow! Very nice.

Here is my reply:

Dear A Clintonista,

You can take your stinking apology and shove it. The election is over and I could care less about you and your horrific opinions.

Good Day,

HolyJuan

PS I will still read your site everyday!! I love it!

True Confession

I sometimes listen to Radio Disney when the kids are not in the car.

X is for X-Ray - M is for Mutation

Greg and I were going over a reading worksheet from his kindergarten class. I noticed that the hand in the x-ray photo looked odd.


Luckily they are only teaching him to read and not about biology.

(Hint: Count the fingers.)

Things to do at Skully’s on Ladies’ 80’s

It is not very hard to believe that Skully's Music Diner has been hosting the ghost of Mean Mr. Mustards in the form of Ladies 80's Night since 2001. We started going to Ladies 80’s night on Thursdays in the 2nd year and have been pretty faithful ever since. It used to be that we’d go twice a month. Then once a month. Then once every two months. Now it's twice a year. But we still go.

Dave and Freckled Jenn and I always try to go together. Sometimes other friends will go. Sometimes it’s just Dave and I. Sometime I go alone, but that is another tale.

Here is our Thursday night routine:

0. Dress
I wrote all the stuff below first and realized I left out “dress” so I stuffed it up here as “0.” I hope you don’t mind. Skully’s is for dancing and that means comfortable shoes. I suggest Converse or a pair of sneakers that you don’t mind have spilled beer on the top and unknown sticky stuff on the bottom. You don’t have to wear 80’s clothes, but it doesn’t hurt. I usually wear something Homestar Runner.

1. Pre-drinks
Meet somewhere else and have some warm up beers. Sometimes we play darts. Sometimes we eat a snack. Sometimes we just vent and drink. Usually we try to find a bar that is close to the Short North so that we can convince our friends to join us once the short venture over.

2. Hem and Haw
Sometimes we aren’t exactly sure if we are going to go to Skully’s. We attempt to trick ourselves into thinking that we have families and jobs and that we shouldn't be out until early morning. Then we give in. We usually wait until about 11:00pm to head over. Midnight can come creeping up pretty quickly and we’ll stare across the table / down the bar from each other and ask, “Well? Do you want to go?” Sometimes one of us will just say, “Let’s go,” and we do. Sadly, sometimes we do just go home. But not this Thursday.

3. Park
There are several very close and secret places to park, but I’m not about to give those away. I suggest having Two-sack drive you so that you don’t have to drive yourself home.

4. Meet
Wait for everyone to arrive by the front bar. First one in buys a round of Miller Lite, the Skully’s beer of choice. When you get a tab, you need to give them your credit card and license. Don't act like a chump and question them on this.  They give you a number that you show them every time you order a drink (which better be a lot.)

5. Scout
Check out the lay of the land in the front. See anyone you know? No you don’t, because they are at home with their spouses and kids. Walk to the back and see what kind of a night it is going to be. If it is 10:00pm and not crowded, do not fret.

6. Location Location Location
We have a spot on the dance floor. Our spot is to the left of the stage, five feet back and ten feet in from the wall. It’s close to a trash can and near to the patio exit. We also have an excellent view of the stage area where the magic happens.

7. Dance
I have two dances: hands up and hands down. I also spin a lot, especially during “If You Leave" by OMD or “Just Like Heaven” by The Cure.

8. Drink More
I dance better and you look prettier when I drink more. When you are done with your beer, stick it in your back pocket or under the stage. Don't be an asshole and set your half finished drink on the edge of the stage. Jerks.

9. Dance More and if not, Smoke
Keep dancing. When a crappy song comes on, walk out back and take a breather on the patio. The patio is good for smoking and people watching. I do a little of both.

10. Rinse and Repeat
Keep going until they kick you out around 2:15am. If you have a meeting the next day, it’s best to leave early at 2:10am so you can get some sleep. I have learned, to my utter sorrow, that I can no longer function the next day after a Skully’s night.

While you are at Skully’s on 80’s ladies night, there are several things that we do to pass the time. Some are obnoxious. Some are just plain stupid. We love them all.

A. Guess the song
There are a limited set of 80’s songs that the DJs at Skully’s play. Initiate the game by leaning forward and yelling the name of the band you think will be played next. Your friend will nod approvingly and name their own band. If you are on that night, guess name of band and song title. You are not allowed to say B-52’s “Love Shack” or you will be escorted out of the bar.

B. Find the meme
Skully’s has it own memes. Look for the following people and check them off as you locate them:
- Damon Zex (local celeb)
- Terminator Guy (check for the fingerless gloves and sunglasses)
- Old Man (dude is old and scouting for 21 year olds. I’m guessing he was 70 in the 80’s.)
- 80’s chicks (20 somethings who are decked out in 80’s garb)
- First time lesbians (the dance close, they grind, they make out, tomorrow they will laugh.)
- Really desperate drunk guy (tries to dance with every girl in the place, spills his beer on the top of your shoe, makes his way to the stage and foolishly dances with the girl that is really a guy.)
- Girl that is a Guy (Look closely. (S)he’s there.)
- Outlanders (The local Goth bar is closed (again) and they need a place to hang

C. Where’s the Doug?
In this game, find the fat older guy that looks like me and point him out to the team. Now that I am older, we look for a fat young guy that looked like me. Dave made this game famous one night when I found an old, fat “Doug” and said, “Hey, that’s me in ten years.” Dave looked at the “Doug” and then back at me and said, “Five.”

D. Call your friend and leave a message
When one of us can’t be there, the others will wait for a good song to come one and call the left out friend. Hold the phone up and sway. The next morning, left out friend gets a three minute long static bundle with a slurred voice saying, “You missed out.”

Don’t miss out. See you at Skully’s, this Thursday night around 11 or midnight. We’ll be in our spot.

Palin Preparing to Run for President in 2009

PROLIFIA, ALASKA- On an unusually warm day in Alaska, Governor Sarah Palin announced that she will be running for the office of the President of the United States. In 2009. Governor Palin thanked the crowd of over 350 and also thanked God for the pleasant weather, “It’s good to see the Lord is with us today. I’m not sure where He was last Tuesday, but who am I to question His ways?”

Governor Palin spoke very briefly about the failed McCain campaign and that there was not a lot of time to “mess around” which is why she is seeking the office for 2009. “We cannot waste any time while Barack Hussein Obama shoves these United States of America down the crapper. This is why I will be running for President of the United States in 2009.”

Attempts to share with Governor Palin that the election will not be held until 2012 were met with mild amusement from the Governor, “The McCain people tried to tell me the same thing, but we are gonna push on forward and never wave the white flag of surrender.”

The Ex-Vice Presidential candidate shook hands with the crowd and signed autographs. Governor Palin then descended upon a thrift shop where she purchased $15.25 worth of clothes. “Enough for the whole campaign!” The thrifty Governor Palin requested that her fans re-use the 2008 campaign signs, “Just cross out McCain and turn the 8 into a 9. We use that trick when filling our travel vouchers at the Governor’s mansion.”

When asked about a running partner and she quickly replied, “You media types can’t trick me this time! We’ve decided not to reveal my running mate until three days before the election so that we can ride the surge in the polls through the voting day stuff.”

How to Fake an Orgasm

Faking an orgasm is a necessity in any relationship. Sometimes you need to get to sleep, get to work or get the babysitter home. Most people are used to the "Yes, yes yes!!" fake orgasm and can see right through it. You need something a little more creative. In the midst of inconclusive passion, use one of these tactics to wrap things up and get on with watching the Daily Show.

1. The Silent Stop
Whatever sex moves and noises you are making, just stop for six seconds. Most people expect a lot of noise and head tossing about during an orgasm. Doing exactly the opposite will really throw them off. Follow it up with a quick, “Wow. I’ve never had that happen like that before.”

2. Hairball
This requires you to work yourself up into a hacking frenzy and cutting off the cough/grunts in mid-hack. Not only will it sound like you are having an epileptic orgasm, but it will gross out your partner and they’ll want you done as quick as possible.

3. Mom and Dad
Start screaming out “Mom” or “Dad” repeatedly during some heavy thrusting. Use both in combination to really wrap things up. Throw in an Uncle Bob or two there at the end.

4. Gettysburg Address
Scream out the first sound or syllable of each word in the Gettysburg Address. “F! Sc! N! Sev! Y! A! O! For! M! and so forth. See if you can fake it through the whole speech! Nail it at the end with whispering, “Lincoln’s beard,” in your lover’s ear.

5. The Bait and Switch
In this one, you admit to your partner that things aren’t working out and that you are done, but just as you are pulling away, grab your groin and yell, “Right there! That was it!!” Roll off the bed/couch/dryer and fake a pulled calf muscle. Limp off into the bathroom exclaiming that you’re going to need some tomato juice.

McCain's an underdog to the end

GOP confident in scheme to dupe Dems with election day switch

COLUMBUS, OH – There were rounds of high fives and chest bumps at an undisclosed Republican office this Monday night. They were celebrating a successful viral attack on local Democrats. Mr. R (not his real name) was beaming with pride, “We got word from the HQ that we were to do everything possible to get McCain elected. We think we pretty much nailed it.”

Mr. R reported that his next door neighbor, Mr. C (not his real name) heard about a subversive act in other cities to trick Democrats into voting on the wrong day. They decided to try it and in Mr. C’s words, “It worked like a charm!” The two posted signs all over the neighborhood stating that there were too many people voting and that the voting would be split up over two days. We found hundreds of these signs over the Columbus area.



Monday morning had Mr. R and Mr. C wearing camouflage and hiding in the bushes, counting hundreds of Obama supporters heading to the polls. They laughed as they passed the binoculars back and forth all morning. “We don’t feel bad for anyone that is stupid enough not actually vote on Election Day. We’ll be laughing it up tomorrow night when the polls close at midnight.”

I skiped school to see Sarah

George Bush's updated list of Presidential Pardons

Porn Star Parking (SFW)

We saw this handicapped parking space at a local restaurant yesterday.

Thanks to Conny, we now know what it is for.

Thanks to Keegan for the photo.