Tips for Meeting Your Future Self

At some point, time travel will be invented and your future self will come back to warn you about something. Be prepared by following these tips.

1. Have a secret question
Be wary of evil future selves or clones. If it is actually your future self, they will know the answer to the secret question; something only you would know. Like where you masturbated for the first time (in a bedroom closet.) Don’t make up a secret word (this can be figured out with future technology and “ditto” has been taken.) If your future self doesn’t remember the secret question, kill them with the really sharp knife in your boot.

2. Always carry a sharp knife in your boot.
See #1

3. Immediately ask for the winner of the 20XX Super Bowl.
Time travel will not be cheap and the only way you are going to make enough money to travel back in time is to make a shit load of money betting on sports. That will only happen if you know the actual results of the future games. Your future self will know this and they will have a prepared list of sporting events from the future (their past.) If your future self gives you some bullshit excuse like that it is against the “Laws of Time Travel” or that they are coming back in time to keep you from winning all that money and becoming a rich prick, kill them and analyze their blood to siphon off some futuristic antibiotic or cure-all medicines.

4. Cross your arms and give your future self a disapproving look.
It worked for my friend Erik.


5. Kill your future self
Your future self is nothing but trouble. They’re all full of “doom and gloom” and “don’t do this” and “don’t eradicate that race of peoples.” As soon as your future self answers the secret question, get the future sports questions from them and then kill them with the gun in your other boot (they will know that you keep a knife in your boot and have some sort of futuristic knife protection on.) Collect their blood for testing and then dispose of the body.

6. Always carry a gun in your boot, but forget about it so your future self won’t know you have it.
(See #5.)

7. Get a shit load of insurance on yourself.
Once your future self arrives and before you kill them with the boot gun that you have forgotten about, have them over to your crappy apartment/house and while they are asleep, get a whole lot of insurance out on yourself. Get an ungodly amount of coverage and name yourself as the beneficiary (most insurance companies will completely go for this as they will think it is impossible for you to collect on your own death.) Go back and complete step #5 (except for the dispose of the body) and collect the money for your own death. And don’t let the insurance company claim that it was suicide because you killed yourself.

8. On second thought, kill your future self immediately
Your future self is older and cannot get the level of chick/guy you are dating/married to. In their future, they are having sex with an older, uglier, fatter version of your current lover. They will feel inclined to have sex with your current significant lover because banging your lover in the past is not cheating. Kill them before they have a chance to kill you and get their hands on your younger, hotter, less fat suitor. Use the grenade you have in your back pocket that you must forget about because you can’t seem to forget the gun and the knife and your future self is wearing a bullet proof vest with futuristic knife proof clothing.

9. (I was kidding about the grenade… make it a crossbow)
See #8. Your future self will plan for the grenade and you can surprise them with the crossbow. REALLY...FORGET ABOUT THE CROSSBOW NOW to trick your future self!

10. Plan ahead
The fact that your future self does appear means that at some time in your future you will travel back in time. BE PREPARED! Wear knife proof clothing (available in the future) and a bullet proof vest as well as a nano grenade shield. Take condoms so you can bang your past lover when they were younger and hotter and thinner. Ensure that you send a clone first to make sure your past self is not going to kill you. Before you travel back in time, ingest a boat load of gingko biloba so that if you do die, people in the past will analyze your blood and think it is a cure-all. Write down the past ten years of Super Bowl scores and then change them to fuck with your past self. Lastly, remember that your past self has some kind of medieval weapon strapped to his/her back… I can’t remember which one for some reason, but be prepared for anything.