Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog

Dear HolyJuan,

I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.

After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.

On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.

This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.

This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.

Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.

So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.

Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott

P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.

Dear Sleepy Scott,

I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.

First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.

Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.

Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.

Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!

Signed,

HolyJuan

PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.