How to Tell if a Woman is Crazy

Despite what you may believe, most women are not crazy. In fact, they probably have their shit together more than you. But for those of you who do find yourself in a situation with a woman who you think might be a whack job, here's how you can tell.

1. Hair past her ass
Super long hair is a dead giveaway. Either she's a religious nut or just has WAY too much time to wash and dry it. No woman should spend that much time on her hair just to straighten out the split ends. And nothing says stay away like a six foot long, fat-ass braid. Here’s a good rule of thumb: if she can strangle you with it, it's too long.

2. Wants sex all the time
Every guy dreams about it, but you never hear about anyone surviving it. 98% of sex is convincing a woman to sleep with your unhealthy, hairy ass. If she wants it all the time, it's no longer a challenge, and you stop wanting it. Then she starts to accuse you of cheating, shortly after which comes the Phil Hartman afternoon dirt nap.

3. Crazy Eyes or never blinks
If you can see the entire pupil plus a good bit of white around it, she's crazy. If she doesn't ever blink, that's not right. If she blinks all the time, that's just as screwed up. It’s sexy if one eye is a different color, but if she has a glass eye with no pupil, check her for a knife and duck out the back door.

4. Talks about husband in the past tense
It's a good idea to stay away from married women. It's a really good idea to get as far away as possible from soon-to-be widows.

5. Doesn't talk
You may think it is sexy for a woman at a party to stare you down across the room, walk over and grab your hand, lead you to an empty bedroom and blow you. I guarantee the reason she is not talking is because she doesn't have any teeth or she doesn't have any vagina. Trust me, most transgender dudes don't have much to say... on the first date.

6. Smokes Capris
Trust me. Crazy.

7. She's Conservative
No woman should be Conservative. It just ain't right. Conservative woman have to be subservient to their husbands, and no woman should have to do that. Let's face it, you'd have to be completely fucking crazy to let a man run your life.

8. Has kids, but never mentions them
Every non-crazy woman is in love with her kids. A cheating woman will still lie in bed with her cheat and talk about her kids. If a woman is silent about her kids, it's because her brakes are about to fail near a river. Avoid.

9. Drinks vodka tonic without tonic
I like a woman that drinks. I don't like a woman that can drink more than me. If she's drinking straight from a bottle, you'd best stay away. Also be on the lookout for any woman who has a whole box of wine in the fridge and is brewing beer in a bag in the basement.

10. Laughs. All the time.
Most funny women are at least half-crazy. Women shouldn't have to tell jokes to get attention because they have boobs for that. If a woman tells jokes to get laughs, she's mostly crazy. If all she does is laugh and especially in a barking laugh, she's just plain crazy. But now that I think about it, I'd rather deal with a crazy woman than a half crazy one. At least with a crazy woman, you know what you're getting into. There's something to be said for predictability.

11. She looks like this: