Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca

Dear HolyJuan,

Just what the heck is tapioca?

Sincerely,

Puddin'


Dear Puddin’,

I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”

I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”

This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.

The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.

Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!

I hope this answers your question!

Signed,

HolyJuan

{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}