The Most Awesome Ice Scraper Ever

I live in a house with a garage in Ohio. I think I am cool because I do not have to scrape my windows on the average winter morning. But someday I will become that homeowner who fills his garage with worthless crap and squeezes his car out onto the driveway.

When that day comes, I will be prepared to face the frost filled mornings because I own the Ultimate Ice Scraper.

About 15 years ago, I purchased a state of the art ice scraper. It was a new twist on an old technology. A strip of brass was inserted into a plastic handle. Because brass is softer than glass, it cannot scratch it. The creators of this miracle device even guaranteed that it would not scratch glass or they would pay for your windshield.



This ice scraper worked like the dickens. It would plow through the toughest ice and scrape right to the glass. Never a scratch! I loved my ice scraper.

Some idiots tried to break up ice on their windshields by pounding the windshield with the edge of the brass. Needless to say, windshields cracked. The manufacturer shrugged. People sued. And they stopped making the ice scraper.

Suckers! I still had mine. It still worked like a champ and except for an unusually thin handle, mine would last forever.

So, forever expired one cold day after work. As I was scraping thick ice off my windshield, the handle snapped and the brass end went flying into the snow. I madly dug through the snow and found the end of the scraper. There was a little bit of handle left, but not enough to hold on to for that quality scraping leverage.



As my tears froze to the windshield, a co-worker gave me her spare Hoppy brand plastic shitty ice scraper and told me to keep it. Thanks.



I spent 15 minutes scraping my tears off the windshield and I think it was actually my hot, cursing breath that finally melted the ice. The Hoppy brand plastic shitty ice scraper wasn’t set correctly in its handle and I couldn’t tear into the ice.

In the car I examined my brass scraper. There was no way I’d be able to glue it. It was done for. I also looked at the Hoppy brand ice scraper. Its two part construction was laughable. The plastic scraper wasn’t setting right in the handle and I was able to pop it right out.



And in a rare moment of genius.. I slipped the brass blade into the Hoppy handle.



It fit! It held! By some impossible chance they nested together as if they were meant to be! I suddenly realized that the original brass handle was flawed. It wasn’wasn't long enough and it wasn’t thick enough. My creation was The Ultimate Scraper. I was so happy you might have thought that I just pulled it out of a stone and become king. I jumped out of the car and scraped the windows again. Great leverage. Curved handle to fit in my hand. The power of brass slicing through the ice. The perfect ice scraper.

The garage isn’t full of crap yet so I haven’t had the chance to use my scraper. But maybe I’ll leave it out next week, just to let the kid stretch his legs.

You can still purchase the original brass scraper. But it's not going to be the same.