The Container and The Contents
There are two parts of this story: The Container and The Contents.
The Container
Eric went to school at Miami of Ohio’s Western campus. Or as it’s know to those who really care, The School of Interdisciplinary Studies/Western College Program at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. We knew it as the hippy side of Miami U. It’s a very liberal college where everyone seemed to have long hair (back when it wasn’t fashionable) and hairy armpits (which is never fashionable.) Notwithstanding my mocking, it was a wonderful school and Eric loved it.
During Eric’s tenure at Western, Folgers Coffee had a marketing campaign aimed at getting college kids addicted to coffee again. (This was back when Starbucks only had 125 stores. They were all within three blocks of each other, but you get my drift.) To get the kids addiction rolling, they strategically placed 5 gallon, insulated, coffee dispensers all around the Miami and Western campuses. In the mornings, a truck would drive around with full containers. A dude would climb out of the truck, unchain the hopefully empty 5 gallon container, replace it with a full container, refill the cups and toss the empty container back in the truck. It would take the guy about ninety seconds to complete the transaction.
You may not know this, but Eric has the unique ability to borrow a 5 gallon, insulated, coffee dispenser off the back of a truck in about thirty seconds. Though it was not in his plans, the one he borrowed was full of hot coffee. For you that are unfamiliar, five gallons of hot coffee weighs about 41.8 lbs. With the container at a slim 16 pounds, he was lugging a total hot load of 57.8 lbs. If you did not check out the link above, you will not know that the container was tall and thin with handles at the top. One would have to lug the container with arms hanging down and legs spread apart in a sort of half crab walk.
Eighty seconds into his delivery, the coffee dude turned around to see a long haired asshole, half crab walking across the green carrying off one of his containers of coffee. Eric had a fifty second lead and all the guy could do was yell and take a few worthless steps in Eric’s direction.
I’m sure this container, God knows where it is today, could tell a number of stories of the original coffee that was drank from it and the dozens of other liquids that filled it during it’s time in Eric’s dorm room, then law school and perhaps all the way to Chicago. Since the container is not here, I will tell the one story that I know.
The Contents
I think the whole reason we decided to take Hairy Buffalo was based on the fear of getting busted for speeding on the way down to Myrtle Beach and having the cops search our car and take away any bottles of liquor. Somehow, a huge five gallon container of red liquor fortified punch would slip by the eye of Deputy Dawg in his search for contraband.
Somehow, Eric had acquired an insulated, five gallon container that would be perfect for transporting hairy buffalo. It had a locking lid and a spigot at the bottom for easy dispensing. We were divided up into two groups: those finding the required alcohol and those buying the fruit and mixers. I can’t remember what group I was in. What I do remember is that Russ was in the latter group and arrived at Eric’s house with rhubarb. Rhubarb? What the fuck is rhubarb? Rhubarb is basically a weed that you find next to okra in the Natural Foods section of the supermarket. See, Russ had been eating Rhubarb for years in his mom’s cherry-rhubarb pie. As a pie, it was like tasty celery swimming with cherries in a crust. Why wouldn’t it taste good in a hairy buff? For one thing, you have to drown rhubarb in sugar to make it palatable. It’s also a good idea to bake it as well. Russ wouldn’t have any of that and chopped it up along with the watermelon and strawberries.
The dudes who were in charge of alcohol did well and came back with various bottles of alcohol as well as sugary liquors like DeKuypers. A fine mix of alcohol to mix with the juices and the other fruit and the fucking rhubarb which I’m sure is a vegetable.
So we placed the 5 gallon container in the middle of Eric’s mom’s priceless, hand-woven Turkish carpet and began to pour the bottle of liquor in it. We had dumped about four bottles in when someone noticed that the container was not filling up. That statement made everyone shut up just long enough for us to hear the noise of liquid pouring out on to a priceless, hand-woven Turkish carpet. We had cleaned and rinsed the container out and in doing so the convenient spigot at the bottom of the container was open and the liquor was pouring out and on to the thirsty carpet.
This was a problem for two reasons: First, almost a third of the alcohol was not going to be leaving Ohio. Second, we just figured out how to turn priceless rug into a less-price rug. Eric was a little pissed off, but shit, it was his container. He should have checked the integrity of the tap before handing it over.
We closed the tap and pulled the container away from the spillage area. There was a growing two foot diameter stain. Towels were brought in and we scrubbed and cleaned as best we could. I’m unsure if Zud is the best stain remover for Turkish carpets, but that’s what we found under the kitchen sink.
We cleaned the top as best we could and then rolled back the carpet to see what had happened to the underside. The padding under the carpet was unlike anything I had ever seen. It was like a natural mesh of unwoven reeds or weeds or jute. Whatever it was, it was soaked in liquor. The natural material had taken a liking to the liquor and wasn’t about to let go of the red coloration. We soaked up what we could and laid the carpet back down.
There was still a red stain on the carpet at the point of impact. It was about the size of the bottom of a vacuum cleaner. As luck would have it, Eric had a vacuum cleaner and we placed it directly over the stain. No one would ever suspect a thing. At least until we were out of state. Three hours later we were out of state with a 5 gallon, insulated coffee container that was not full enough of hairy buffalo.
There is much more to tell about this Myrtle Beach Trip: Tony’s sunburn, the MMS, the pummeling on the beach, Shag, Vertical Smile, Papa’s Pasta Palace, and the Oil Leak. But let me leave you with this: After two days the slices of rhubarb grew fuzzy and with the addition of alcohol still tasted like shit. Who the f puts rhubarb in a f’ing hairy buffalo?
**** *******
Editor's Update
I found a photo of the dudes from the Spring Break trip.
From left to right: Eric, Brett, Russ, Greg and Tony. Kit is smack dab in the middle. (I'm taking the photo. I might have been wearing a t-shirt that said "Nothing phases a ceramic engineer.")
Brett reminded me that it was the bananas in the Hairy Buff that went fuzzy. The rhubarb just absorbed the alcohol and converted it to starch.
REAL College Essentials
Shampoo Bottle Pee Detector
This device is embedded in your shampoo and/or conditioner cap and beeps to let you know when someone has peed in your shampoo bottle. It happens more than you think and your shiny locks aren’t always because of rinsing and repeating.
Condom Wrapper Gum
These innocent pieces of gum come in packaging that look like condom wrappers. If you are not getting any, you can leave them laying around and act like you are. If you parents are visiting and find real condom wrappers, you can say they are gum. If you are banging a chick and smell wintergreen, you might want to pull out before you "blow your bubble."
Marijuana/Daisy Hybrid Plants
This plant looks like daisies, but smokes like marijuana. Grow weed without getting caught. Give your boyfriend/girlfriend a gift that keeps on giving. Comes with Baby’s Breath rolling papers.
Stall Saver
A necessity for the dorms. Fake boots and pant legs that sit in the bathroom stall so you can save a spot for yourself for the cafeteria food induced ass explosion. Those other schmucks will see the boots under the stall and wait for the "person" to finish as they listen to the pre-recorded grunts and groans that emanate from the hidden mp3 player. After lunch, just walk by those suckers waiting in line and pass the time with the rolled up playboy in the boot.
"Walk-of-Shame" Survival Kit
Kit includes: change of clothes, sunglasses, aspirin, map of campus, list of pillow talk conversation starters and fake phone number. (See Sorority Girl Initiation Kit for pregnancy tests.)
Practice Sheep Genitalia
Great for hopeful Fraternity rushees. Don’t look foolish when confronted with a sheep for the first time during rush week. Use these ultra realistic sheep parts to work on your grip and trust technique.
Cumstain Sheets
These sheets make dorm sleeping tranquil. 300 thread count, Egyptian sheets are pre-printed with cumstains to ward off agile roommates looking to hook up in every nook and cranny of the dorm room.
Sorority Girl Initiation Kit
Comes with "Freshman 15" weight scale that automatically deducts fifteen pounds, 'Idiot's Guide to Bulimia' handbook with extra long tongue depressor and twelve pack pregnancy tests.
Your Birthday and the Date Nine Months Before It
CAUTION: The following charts show dates and what the date was nine months (40 weeks) before that date. If you look up your birthday, you will see a date that is very close to when you were conceived i.e. when your parents were getting it on. This information can be startling to some as they see they were conceived on New Years Eve, Christmas, Father's Day, or on your Mom's birthday (gross, Dad, that's not what she wanted.)
You have been warned.
This is a Testing Situation: Interviews with my classmates
I've been interviewing my classmates in preparation for our 35th reunion. Check them out here:
https://anchor.fm/doug-powhida
I had a vasectomy today
- Woke up screaming.
- While getting the kids ready for school, I read the “Pre-Surgery” instructions. I learned that I was supposed to be scrubbing my loins for the past five days. I’m sure my cursory “soap across the balls” does not meet their definition of scrubbing.
- Kissed Miss Sally goodbye and confirmed that she would be picking me up at noon thirty.
- Got in the shower and gave myself a good 2 ½ days worth of scrubbing action. By 1867 standards, I would be blind now.
- I shaved my balls.
- I got out of the… hold on, what? You SHAVED YOUR BALLS? That’s right. The instructions said to shave them and they got shaved. I pulled out my grooming kit. Knocked the shrubbery down as short as the guard on the electric trimmer would let me and then I jumped in the shower. Balls are not a good medium to be dragging a sharp blade across. And the reason I know this is because I spent a full 30 minutes bent over and staring at my ugly, wrinkly, bigger than average, dropped melon shaped nutsack. Men, don’t ever examine your balls with your eyes. Check for cancer, but do so with your eyes closed. Women, kudos to you for even getting within three feet of that withered fruit, change purse. Shaving balls is like trying to wrap a coat hanger around a whipped cream covered balloon. As soon as pressure is applied, skin around the man grapes distorts and deflects away from the blade. I found it best to stretch the loose skin in a tennis racquet stringer to create the proper tension on the surface. Let's just say I pulled things taut and did the best I could. Thirty minutes later, I was done.
- I got out of the shower, got dressed and went to Target to buy
tidytighty-whities like the instructions suggested. I also bought two bags of frozen peas. And Swedish Fish (Comfort food, not for a dissolving stitches replacement). - Back at home, I put on tidy-whities for the first time in 25 years. At least now
tidytighty-whities come in different colors. - Sally picked me up and we drove to the MD office. Checked in and only waited 2 minutes before being called back. The MD assistant was very, very cute. We went to room #7. She told me to remove my clothes below the waist and hang them up. It was then that I realized that she would be seeing my shaved balls and cold, shriveled penis. Usually, I bone up very easily and would be concerned/embarrassed about that, but I was nervous and cold and more concerned that the cute chick would have trouble deciding which was balls and which was penis.
- I got undressed and sat on the table. She came back in and gave me a sheet to cover my shame. I laid back and she got everything in the room ready for the surgery. From this point on, I did not look down and instead counted the holes in the ceiling tiles.
- Doc came in and we had some chit chat about the music on the radio and that he was going to feel me up like he did at the previous examination. He then gave me a good scrubbing with some soapy something. I haven’t had that kind of action from a guy in months.
- Surgical pads were placed around my loins so that only my balls were showing. The pads had adhesive on them, but I didn’t find that out until the end.
- There was a shot, some numbing, a little pressure, a little more pressure some chit chat. Then another shot, more pressure, a lot of talk about my work and then it was done.
- Stitch, stitch. That quick.
Oversimplified Holyboard Rules
Installation Underwear
In December of 2012, Keegan and I were in Las Vegas for an
exhibit installation at the Discovery Children's Museum. We were wrapping up
the installation, but had to extend our stay due to some delays and city
inspections that, oddly enough, took place over the weekend.
Saturday night after a successful inspection. |
Underwear purchased, we headed to Hoover Dam for a day of tourist fun and then traveled home a few days later.
Keegan on the bypass bridge overlooking Hoover Dam |
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas |
After returning to work for a week, Keegan and I were summoned to the front desk. We had turned in our trip expenses and the Finance Woman in charge of going through the receipts had some questions for us. She had clearly been interrogating Keegan already, because he looked physically and mentally spent.
Keegan had tried to explain to Finance Woman that it was not
his fault that the trip was extended, and we didn’t have any other alternatives.
She said that she didn’t care what the circumstances were, but he couldn’t
expense underwear. I quickly understood that Keegan had put his underwear on his
expenses for reimbursement. I had not. I believe Keegan had purchased a few other things at Target
that were normal expense items and, shit, why not get the underwear paid for as
well. Our company would normally pay for clothes washing services, but it seems
they had a real problem with paying $9.99 for three pairs of underwear.
Keegan tried to argue that, if he had used the hotel washing
services, it would have cost $30 and he was actually saving the company money. She
didn’t buy that. She said the company would not pay for clothes the employees kept.
That’s when Keegan came up with a brilliant idea: he would give the underwear
back to the company. They would become Installation Underwear. We would keep
them in the job box, and if an employee out on an installation ever needed a pair, due to an extended
install or pants soiling event, they could use a loaner pair of Installation
Underwear.
It was a game changing innovation.
She said no.
Keegan was not reimbursed for his underwear, but I think
him paying $9.99 for story that will last a lifetime is completely worth it.
Christian Group Plans to Change the Names of the Days of the Week
The group decided to create a new set of Christian friendly names for the days of the week and then petition their state and federal representatives to force the government to make it official. The team of representatives from 37 churches gathered at Our Peoples of God’s Church in Columbus, Ohio to decide upon the new, Christian friendly names.
Debate started immediately when someone suggested changing Sunday to "God's Day." It seemed like an obvious change, until one member shouted out that every day is God’s day and they should not narrow it down to one single day. For an hour, debate raged between going with the assumption that everyone would understand that everyday is God’s day and the opposite end of the spectrum of calling Sunday, "God's Day 1" and going through the week in order "God's Day 2", "God's Day 3" and so on. In the end it was decided to call Sunday “Church Day” with the understanding that everyone knows that every day is God's Day.
For the next several hours, the rest of the days of the week were pounded out. Monday would become "Work Day." Tuesday would become "Spirit Day." There was a difference of opinion if Wednesday or Thursday should be called "Wash Day" as different people bathe and do laundry on different days of the week. As many members attend their individual churches on Wednesday as well, they decided to replace Wednesday with “Wash Up Day” to play upon the words sounding like “worship day.” Thursday is to become known as "Love Day" and everyone agreed to call Friday "Pizza Night Day." Saturday, of course, will be known as "The Day Before Church Day."
The Christian Guardians of His Word have put together a statement of suggestion and will begin petitioning their representatives in the new year on Love Day the 4th in God’s Month 2.
How to Download Your Playlist from Grooveshark (for Chrome)
2007 Honda Accord strange electrical issue with solution
What has become of HolyJuan.com when I am posting automotive repair?
We have a 2007 Honda Accord. One day it had the following issues:
headlights not working
blinkers not working
rear passenger side window not working
remote entry not working
Intermittent windshield
(could have been more issue but this was the lot of them)
The engine still started, the hazard lights worked, and the regular windshield wipers worked.
In questioning my son, he said he had left the driver's window open when it rained and the issues started the next day.
In researching on the internet, it seemed there were several people that had slightly similar issues with various Honda make and models. Dissimilar electrical systems all having issues. Solutions given were to check fuses, replacing bulbs, and even to replace the whole fuse units under the hood and at the driver's side dash underside (yikes!)
My solution was to pop out the power window controller and unplug both sets of wires. With the wires disconnected, everything not associated with that control panel worked again. I plugged the wires back in and everything worked again. Thinking I randomly fixed the issue with a loose wire, I popped the power window controller back in and everything stopped working. I removed it again. Removed the wires. Most everything worked. This time I left the turn signal, plugged in both sets of wires, and popped it back in. This time, the blinker stayed on and everything worked.
I assume that I knocked the water out or rubbed the corrosion off or something in my plugging and unplugging. I left a tool in the glove compartment so that if it happens again, my son can temporarily fix it. If you remove the wires from the power window controller, the windows won't work, but he can get home with headlights and blinkers.
I will continue to monitor this and update if needed.
I hope this helps you!
Why I like Thunderheist's "Jerk It" video By that-go
I like this video. I have watched it several times and have come to understand myself a little bit better because of this video. I can only hope that you learn a little bit about yourself or that you learn that I am creepy. More creepy.
Please absorb and remember to play this loud and alone:
Wow.
So here is my list of reasons for liking this, kind of in order as they appear in the video:
Great beat
Dancing girl
Pretty girl
No make up
Freckles
Clenched fist
Handjob suggestion
Eyes closed
Boob shake
Slow motion
Sweat
Awesome framing
Detail to the twisting leg
Hair stuck on lip
Crinkled nose
In the end, it's the crinkled nose that did it for me. I don't know why, but when a girl gives you the crinkled nose, it's pretty much on.
Belts and Babysitters
Dynamo
You Suck, Joe Show
Twitter's updated zombie-user policy
Please contact us with the following information:
1. Your full name, email address, and your relationship to the Zombie.
2. The username of the Twitter account, or a link to the last Tweet they made suggesting that they were bit and feeling ill.
3. A link to a news article or video of the Zombie eating brains.
You can contact us at privacy@twitter.com, or by mail or fax:
Twitter Inc.,
c/o: Zombified
795 Folsom Street, Suite 600
San Francisco, CA 94107
Fax: 415-222-9958
Please note that Twitter cannot fix the formatting for long Zombie words like Mmmmmmhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggggggg, Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgunh, or Rwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Please note that we cannot do anything about loved ones who turn into vampires. We don’t deal with that shit.
I Love Me. Who Do You Love? – The Not-So Audio Book
Compare and Consternation
We did a test the first week to see if my content was what they were looking for. I sent them three extended Fake Dispatch posts. Their response was that they were not looking for me to write fake news but to comment on real news. I said I would make an attempt.
For me, it is difficult to write funny commentary on real, local topics, because at some point, someone's feelings are going to get hurt. When I write something made up, there is a buffer of lies between my jokes and others' emotions. But I gave it my best. That next week, I sent them a new set of Fake Dispatch "hot takes" with real, humorous commentary.
Between that first week and the second week, something unexpected happened at this local publication where they reconsidered publishing political commentary. It was an unfortunate coincidence, but Boy was I Proud of the opportunity to try this writing challenge. They said, "thanks, but no thanks" and my work was never to see the light of day.
So here it is in the light of day! Here's what I would like to do: I'm going to post the first "fake" article and its complimentary "real" piece. The last two don't align on topic, but you get the idea. Let me know what you think.
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Teh Ohio State University
If It Works, It Works (Updated)
There is the right way to do things, the wrong way to do things, and then the wrong way that is the best right way you have. My favorite type of wrong/best-right is the one that comes through getting cornered and fighting one’s way out of the problem.
Metin and Keegan at the hardware store. |
- apply various metric fittings (failed without even turning the water on)
- shove the smaller tube inside the larger tube (it fits tightly, but the water pressure pops it out, with water shooting out like a rouge fire-hose)
- shove the smaller tube inside the larger tube and use a hose clamp to compress (still pops out, water less everywhere as we were prepared this time)
- all the above and use two hose clamps (STILL POPS OUT)
Court and Chris working on a boiling water fountain |
UPDATE:
Since writing this article in March, I've taken a new position with another company. Last night, we had a going away party at a bar and many of my co-workers showed up to say goodbye. AJ was one of those folks and he said he had a gift for me.
The day after I told people I was leaving our company, AJ secretly came by my desk, took the "If it works, it works" hose assembly and replaced it with a decoy. You can see from the image below that the decoy was so close the the original that I didn't notice and brought it home in a box with my other desk crap.
The decoy - damn good! |
Just in case I did notice, AJ slipped a note in his decoy.
So last night at the going away party, AJ presented me with this:
And like I said above, "If it were mounted to a walnut plaque with a little bronze plate, I think the inscription would say, “If It Works, It Works – September 2015”.
Quite possibly the most thoughtful gift I have ever received. Thanks, AJ. And goodbye. I will miss you.